Don’t you know?

I wait here silently for you. Everyday. I long for you here, alone, silently. When you walk up to your locker, I watch from the water cooler here, just outside the janitor’s office. When you leave after grabbing your books, I watch your back turn away from me, walking silently away.

Don’t you know?

I see you laugh and hear those melodious peals of music that came from your mouth. I feel some happiness in me too. Suddenly, birds were chirping and trees were swaying in the wind. Just like that, just by seeing that small but sure smile, I feel as if I was sure as well, I just didn’t know what I was sure of. This must be it, then. This must be the reason why my heart flutters uncontrollably when I see you walking by the corridor and I would stare as you strolled past, as if you have never seen me, as if I wasn’t there at all. I wasn’t an admirer, I was your lover.

Don’t you know?

I slot some notes into your locker, but see them listlessly drift out in the wind. Maybe I didn’t put it in deep enough. I place some flowers by the side of your locker, but I see some people walking past, and their shoes somehow trample over the flowers. Now dying, I picked them up and lay them by the garden, frowning.

Don’t you know?

I could see your anger from a mile away. It was undeniable. You were angry. You had failed a test when your friends had aced it and from that slight lift of the corner of your mouth, I could see that you thought it was unfair, seeing that you had studied just as much as they had. I walk past you at the last moment, hoping that you will walk into me and it will be a scene right out of a Korean drama again. No, I walk past you in vain, just like I have been loving you in vain.

Don’t you know?

I live by some little hope that you will see me standing by that little corner over there, by the stone tables outside the library. I hope you see me standing under that small bus-stop, waiting. I hope you see me walking outside your class just to see your daydreaming face. I hope you do all this, but at the same time, I hope you feel the same way too.

You don’t know.

You don’t know because I never told you. I didn’t tell you because it was impossible. If you hadn’t seen me as I was, you would never feel it. You don’t know anything. You don’t know how much I wish I could be the one to grab your hand and run away to leave everything behind. You don’t know because you can’t hear me. You couldn’t hear my footsteps and the acceleration of my irregular breathing and the harsh pounding of my heart. You don’t know it. You don’t know my heart could only take you. But you aren’t mine for the taking.

My heart can’t speak because of you. My heart can’t beat as usual without you. My heart feels numb now. My heart that used to want you so badly now beats numbly. My heart that belonged to you still was hidden deep in your locker and you were unable to find it. Hidden underneath all those fan letters and flowers, my heart was somewhere in there, if you looked hard enough. Now that you can’t find it, I don’t think I can either.

I don’t know.

I don’t know anymore. I wanted to hate you for leaving my heart out in the cold or for not trying hard enough to find it. Because of you, I don’t know any other love. I don’t know anything because I only remember your name. I don’t know love, even when love comes running to me. I don’t know anything, because I only remember you.

You made me this stupid, you made me this useless. I fell uselessly and desperately for you, but you turned your back against me instead. You made me this way and you cruelly left me to suffer alone in the cold. But that was alright, because, like the dying and slowly wilting flowers that now lay in the garden, I wait silently for you.

You don’t know and I don’t think you ever will.