Just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m happy. The word pain do exist in my biography. I’m human, that’s why. I cannot be contented with what I have and I can’t get enough. Like I can’t be your best friend forever. I don’t want, of course. I want more, more than what you can give to me. Those big brown eyes, curvy nose, plump lips I hunger to touch. I want your hands under my skin making me go high with your soft touches. I want your voice my name in the middle of night. I want your body next to mine keeping me warm, taking all of me. I want you so badly I can’t think of words to say.

Yeah I smile, I laugh at your stories. About how good he is, how sweet your relationship are. I even told you I’m happy for you when you started dating him. I lied. Every good words I said about him and you being together is a lie. I hate him. Yeah, that’s the truth. Because you belong to him that’s why. He can freely kiss you, touch you, call you his. When it’s me who first met you, became your best friend for years and yet we cannot go to the next level of our relationship. He makes it worse when bumped in, ruining a small chance I have.

Didn’t you feel my need? My longing for you not as a friend but as a lover? I thought we can get into that level someday. I waited patiently for you to see me in a different way. But everytime I look into your eyes, all I can see is your love for me as a friend, just a friend I am to you. I should have confessed a long time ago, but I’m afraid that if I do I’ll just ruin our friendship and I don’t want that to happen. This is the only connection I have with you. The only reason you come running to me making that beautiful smile on your face when you look at me. I know I should be greedy and should not care of our friendship more than my love for you. But I want assurance first that you will say yes when I confess. Trying hard to be the mr. right when I know I can’t be. You look passed me and search love to person other than me.

My life is a mess right now because you’re doing great, in your career, love and everything. I can see you don’t need me anymore. You’ve grown a lot since I met you. I thought we can grow together, but you left me without recognizing that you did. Screw the him, screw these people and all of those around us that’s separating you from me. I thought you depended on me but now I see you can go on your own. Did you even thought of me on your way to success? Did you also thought of taking me with you in the future? I think not, ‘cause you left me here with nothing to hold on to.

 

***********

You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of

Lee Taemin

and

Choi Minho

Thursday afternoon April 4 at 5pm

@ 15th Avenue East followed by a reception

**********

Here in front of the guests I smile giving my messages to both of you saying I’m happy you found the right man whom you will love forever. But deep in my heart I’m aching, wishing I am the guy beside you toasting that wine you’re holding and giving you soft kisses. After this speech of mine I know I’m done. I’m done with my duty as your best friend. After this day I know I have to let go of my love for you which in your eyes never existed. I see you look at me, and I gave you my soft smile, in my thoughts saying...goodbye.