Once a upon a time, in far far away land called SM Town, there lived an evil queen named Queen Victoria...  that’s it. And everyday, she would ask her magic mirror the same thing. “SM, SM on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” And the old gold ornate framed mirror would reply the same thing.

“You are, Queen Victoria.”

And Queen Victoria was pleased.

She had a step-daughter whom she forced into slavery from fear her step-daughter surpassing her own beauty. The evil queen would make her scrub the terrace, sweep the floors, clean the chimneys, and wash the tapestries in hopes of making her ugly. But as her step-daughter grew, she did not become angry or resentful towards her step mother. Instead, she grew up prettier her step-mother can be…

Her name was Jung Juri, but let’s just call her Snow White… please.

One day, when she was scrubbing the terrace and talking to birds, she felt a song springing from her heart.

“I’m wishing~ I’m wishing for the one I love to find me *echo*today *echo*.”

While she was singing gleefully, Prince Onew of the Dubu District happened to stroll upon the high walls of SM Town Castle and heard that lovely lilting voice.

“Aaah~ who does this beautiful voice belong to? Surely she must look as lovely as her voice sounds!” And Prince Onew, on his mighty white steed named Jonghyun, rode the castle gates to find this lovely maiden. But the walls were high and there were no gates for him glance upon this mysterious maid, and he continued to listen to her singing.

“I’m hoping *echo* and I’m dreaming of the nice things *echo* he’ll say. Hahahahahaaaa~ Hahahahahaaa~ HaHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

“Someday, someday, I will find you!” Prince Onew declared, with a fist pump.

And one day, as Queen Victoria did her routine putting of make-up (layers upon layers of foundation as white as snow, lipstick as red as blood, and eyeshadow as yellow as… corn, and extra long and thick false lashes as dark as night), she asked her magic mirror once again.

“SM, SM on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

And the magic mirror swirled in a grey smoke before answering gravely, “Snow White”.

“WTF? WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?!?!”

“You can’t talk to me like that. You’re still under my contract.”

And out of envy and spite, Queen Victoria called upon her trusty hunter named Key.

“Key, I command you to kill Snow White and deliver her heart to me!”

“Whyyyyyyy?” Hunter Key whined.

Queen Victoria raised her perfectly trimmed eyebrow and stomped her six-inch heel clad foot and aegyo-ed, “because I command you to!”

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Pfffft.” Hunter Key reluctantly obeyed, and he set out to drag Snow White by her hair towards the JYP Forest to cut out her heart.

As they enter the forest, they suddenly heard a beating of a heart in the background.

“Can you feel my heartbeat?” Said an ominous forest voice.

“What was that?!” Snow White asked.

Hunter Key ignored her and continued to drag her deeper into the woods. As he was about to strike the dagger into her heart, he paused for a moment to consider the consequences.

“What if I get blood on my silver suit? Coordi’s gonna kill me! And I don’t want to get blood on my hands. Sooooo eeeeeeeeew.” He cringed.

And so he left.

The ominous forest voice continued to rap and the frightened Snow White picked her feet and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran… and ran and ran some more until she found a cottage in the middle of the woods.

As she approached the cottage, she heard singing from the distance, and she wondered who would sing in the middle of the forest. Tired and confused, she entered the cottage to find seven little beds and chose the nearest one to sleep in.

Meanwhile, in the other side of the JYP Forest, the alleged ominous forest voice continued to sing. “Listen to my heartbeat! It’s beating for you!”

…

Some time later, after a good rest, Snow White her eyes to the sound of murmuring and whispering. She stretched her arms as she sat up and gasped. “GASP!”

In front of her were seven little men in polka-dotted suits with various garden tools in their hands. “Oh my, you’re seven little people!” She exclaimed.

“I take offense to that.” Said the littlest one of them all.

“My name is Snow White! And you are?” She asked everyone of them.

Then suddenly, there was music…

“Uh-uhuh… from the JYP Forest… introducing, 2Pe-e-e-e-M!”

And the first… rapped. He had puffy cheeks and twinkling eyes. “That girl, so pretty, oh my god, unbelievable. This is beauty I’ve never seen before even if I explain it in words, you won’t understand. Someone you see in a book *ahem* or meet in a dream. Hi! My name is Poison Cheeks!”

Ehem… your name should end with an –y.

“Uuh… then my name is Poison… y Cheeks… y.”

Much better.

The second one introduced himself. He was tall, dark and handsome and he was currently holding a banana. “Because of her, I’m going crazy. I can’t miss a day without seeing her. Hi! My name is Hungry!”

The next one stepped up front. “Hi! My name is Toothy!” And he rapped.

And they all came together in formation. “Her lips as red as blood, as red as blood, she’s a 10 out of 10! Her hair as black as night, as black as night, she’s a 10 out of 10! Her skin as white as snow, as white as now, she’s a 10 out of 10! Everything from her head to her toes, she’s a 10 out of 10!”

As the fourth dwarf ad-libbed, he introduced himself. “Hi! My name is Smelly! You’re a 10 out of 10!”

“La la la la la la la~ pretty baby~ la la la la la la la~ I’m Khunny babeh~”

And the formation was suddenly opened up, the members stepping aside, to reveal the littlest one crouching in the middle. He stood up and faced front, and started rapping… again.

“Na na na na I have fallen. I tried to live without her but there’s so much she gives… Yo I’m Shawty wazzup?”

After his rap, they repeated the chorus and ended with a display of acrobatic abilities. Snow White found herself clapping in amazed twee. But then something bothered her. Something itched at the back of her mind and it was nagging her very hard. She counted the names on her fingers once again. “Poisony Cheeksy, Hungry, Toothy, Smelly, Khunny, Shawty… but wait! Where is the seventh dwarf?”

They heard a disgruntled groan at the back of the room, and they turned towards the source of the sound. “Here… My name is-“

And that’s everyone! Let’s get on with the story.

They spent the evening in song and in gluttony.

The next day, the seven dwarves had to go back to work at the JYP Nation Mines, leaving behind.

“Yo Snow White, be sure to lock the door. And don’t talk to strangers yo~” Shawty warned, and they left.

Meanwhile, at the SM Town Castle, Queen Victoria currently held the box containing Snow White’s heart delivered by Hunter Key in her hands.

“At last! I am the prettiest of them all!” She turned back to her magic mirror and uttered the same words from before, “SM, SM on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

And the mirror replied, “I said Snow White, yah .”

Queen Victoria gasped in horror. “GASP IN HORROR!” And she started plotting Snow White’s demise… evilly. She called the YG Family Orchard and ordered for G-Dragon’s poisoned apples. She took off her make-up, and dressed up in a black cloak because that’s suspicious in anyway. Seriously, black cloaks do not at all spell ‘I’m an evil person and you should stay away from me especially if you’re an unsuspecting heroine in fairytale land’.

Queen Victoria, after a few movie minutes, already found herself in front of the 2PM house door and knocked. Snow White, being the innocent (read: IDIOT) that she is, opened the door with a wide-eyed smile. “ANYEONG HASE-YOW! SNOW WHITE IN THE HOUSE, YUP!”

Queen Victoria took an apple from her basket, and offered it to Snow White. “These apples taste like G-Dragon and are not poisonous at all, I swear. Have a bite!”

Snow White took the apple in her hands and swallowed the whole apple, and then she fainted.

Queen Victoria laughed maniacally in the background, “MWAHAHAHAHAHA!” and because of the power of narratives, she was already inside the castle, asking the mirror again. “SM, SM on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

And finally, Queen Victoria finally heard the answer that she wanted to hear, “You are. Happy now?”

Meanwhile, in the 2PM house, the dwarves have just discovered Snow White unconscious on the floor. “SNOW WHITE IS UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR!” Poisony Cheeksy cried out.

“What happened to her?” Toothy asked.

“Wait, I know this…” Khunny muttered. “Look for an apple.”

“This apple?” Hungry asked with his mouth full of the apple, and then he fainted.

“Greaaat. Fantaaastic.” Smelly commented, pulling Hungry by the feet towards his bed. “He just had to eat whatever he sees without thinking. Someone will just have to kiss him later at the end of the story.”

Shawty was disappointed, “I told her not to talk to anyone yo. So what happens next?” He asked Khunny.

“Well, we have to build her a crystal casket and wait for her prince charming to arrive.”

“Dude… seriously?” Toothy said.

And so they built a crystal casket, and placed it on top of a hill. The seven dwarves tweeted pictures all over the internet with a caption, ‘PRINCE CHARMING WANTED. PLEASE COME TO THE ADDRESS BELOW.’

Prince Onew opened his mini-hompy, and immediately, he was flooded with pictures of an ahjumma in a crystal casket. He pitied this ahjumma, and decided to visit her since it was on the way towards the SM Town Castle.

When he arrived, he approached the casket to pay his respects to the ahjumma, but Onew-sangtae kicked in, and instead of bowing downward properyly, he tripped on his own feet and accidentally pushed the casket off the hill, and Snow White rolled down the hill, causing the apple stuck in to become… unstuck. And then she woke up.

Her eyes immediately set upon Prince Onew, and she started singing. “Soooooomedaaaaaay my prince will come. Sooooooomedaaaaaaaaay we’ll meet again! And we have finally met!”

Prince Onew was disturbed by her voice realizing that she was the maiden from the SM Town Castle.

“MY PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCE!!!” And she chased Onew towards the sunset, and they lived happily ever after… hopefully.

The End

Junho: I envy your screen time. *sees Chansung unconscious on his bed*

~TSUP~