KEVIN’s POV

I don’t know what happened.

It was just yesterday that we were talking online.

You seemed fine. Posting new pictures of yourself. Having that huge smile fooled me.

Yet why didn’t tell me? All those feelings you were really feeling? Then again maybe it was because we drifted apart a bit. We used to be really close.

We were chatting online. We had nothing better to do. The last time I saw you was Christmas and that day was January 31. I missed seeing you but since we went to different schools, it was hard. So there you were posting new pictures. How cute. You and your smiling face just got my heart racing. I never got to admit but I like you. I really do. I’ve tried confessing my feelings millions of times but it was a fail. You were always kind to me. Thinking back to all those times you would give me presents. I know you knew that I didn’t want you wasting your money on me especial since I had no money to buy you a gift. You still went on and bought me things. Each day though, I felt butterflies when I saw you. I wanted to run and jump into your arms. I wanted to inhale your scent. I wanted to claim you mine and tell all the guys to back off. That couldn’t happen though. We were in the friend zone. I would watch you from afar (NO I’M NOT A STALKER, everyone does that to who they like.) I remember those times when you asked me to help me with your homework; those times when we just hang out at the park and watched the sunset. I was busy reminiscing the times we spent together and finally noticed the time. I had to go and I said bye to you.

The next morning I had school. HOORAY! not. Stupid school. I’m pretty sure that if school was a real person there would be a huge hunt to kill and murder it. I woke up a bit early though. I was wondering why is my alarm going off so early? It wasn’t my alarm but my phone.

“What?” I said kind of slurring my words. Hey I just woke up what do you expect?

“Did you hear about Jihye?” I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was my dad calling.

“No what happened to her?”

“She’s dead”

“Dead? You’re joking right? She’s not dead.”

I was fully awake. He must have been joking right?

“No really check facebook.”

After that I did check facebook. My homepage was filled with RIP and all that stuff. Tears flowed down my face. I covered my mouth in hopes of not making a sound. I felt my whole world crashing down. I didn’t want this to be true, she can’t be gone. She couldn’t have committed suicide. How would my life continue without her.

 I went to school with sadness taking over. My school who barely knew her started taking her. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. My close friends comforted me while people around gave me sympathy. I didn’t want that. I just wanted Jihye, the one who left me.

Hours passed and it was time to go home. Word on her death spread and I got to know what happened. I didn’t want to believe them because I wasn’t sure if their information was right. I spent my day just sitting in my room. Of course I did my homework. I needed something to get my mind of it. I spent my nights crying and crying. I barely slept. I had my tear stained face, my puffy eyes, and the bags under them every time. I spent days eating my troubles away. I know most people would starve themselves but no I ate. I ate like there was no tomorrow. I’m still surprised that I didn’t get fat,

I eventually went to the student counselor to talk things out. I didn’t want to go. Why burden people with my problems. I ended up crying there. It helped a bit though. I was able to say my feelings about this whole thing; the weirdness of it all. Especially since my parents were no help. They acted like nothing happened and continued with their day. Didn’t they know their son was hurting?  They would also bluntly ask for updates on her death. I didn’t want to speak about it especially in public. One time we were at a restaurant and they straight up asked so how did Jihye commit suicide?

A week passed and it was time for the wake. I didn’t want to go. I need some kind of closure though so I went. The place was filled with sad eyes and tears. All you could hear was the music coming from the slide show they had. All the pictures they had was her smiling face. I knew what they were trying to do. They were trying to remind people of the times she was happy. I couldn’t help to think was she really happy during all this? Was she just putting on a mask to hide it all away?

Looking at her body, she looked different. She looked darker and swollen. She didn’t look like she was asleep. You could tell she was dead. She was a bit blue. Blue like she was holding her breath. It would make sense though. She wasn’t breathing; she was dead. Long gone. I saw her parents and they hugged me. Hugged me like there was no tomorrow. They cried and people asked them who I was. They said I was her best friend………Best fried. Some friend I was. I was coward in love with a promise to protect her from anything. Some protection I did.

Sitting with her parents in the family section felt so wrong. Sure we were family friends but I felt I felt like I shouldn’t be there. I couldn’t leave her mom though. Not in her state. They told me the story how it happened.

She was with her uncle. He was downstairs looking for jobs while she was upstairs. The uncle was to busy to noticing anything going on upstairs. He needed to charge his phone so he went looking for the charger. He called her to help him but he got no answer. He went upstairs to look for her; wondering if she left with her friends without telling him. Maybe she was sleeping? He couldn’t find her in her room so he kept looking. He checked the bathroom. There she was, in the bathtub with a scarf around her neck. He tried to revive her but it was too late. He called their cousins who were a block away. They called police and the rest is well you know. She was gone.

It was time for speeches. Some things said about her annoyed me. They said she wanted to be a doctor. Such a lie she didn’t want to be a doctor as much as they thought. She mostly wanted to be a singer like me. I remember all those times we spent writing songs. Secretly I wrote love songs just for her. I sang one to her. She loved it and asked who it was for. I wish I told her that it was for her. Her father’s speech was nice. One line still lingers in my head. “You are supposed to take me to the grave not me taking you”

The next day was the funeral. I wore little purple since it was her favorite color. Her parents told me to do so. While lowering the casket, my head screamed no. Endless tears streamed down my face. I didn’t expect to scream no in my head. I didn’t want her to go. I guess it symbolized that it was time to let go. I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to be here, in my arms, telling me that everything is fine and that she’ll be with me forever.

 I didn’t want to look but I couldn’t help it. Her mother was devastated. She kept crying out no as if her daughter would come back to her. I was hoping for some crazy miracle. Like she’ll appear out of nowhere claiming she’s not dead. That only happened in my head. Eventually her mom fainted right in front of me. Actually I was the one who caught her. I felt so bad. At times I wished I was a magical fairy who could bring people back to life.

It’s been 2 months now. I’m still crying. Words cannot describe the pain I feel. Things have not been better. I still can’t bare with the fact that you’re gone and you’ll never come back. I know we will reunite one day but it’s just too far away. I wanna meet with you now. Maybe just maybe……..

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and END!

did i make you cry? no? well i did since i was opening up memories.

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