Have you ever wondered what could have happened if chose the other path? If you followed her? If you fought for her?

Those were the question that kept on running on my mind. Questions that kept on hunting me years after being in that crossroad with her. Being caught between her and my career.  Choosing my career, letting her go, leaving her, not really knowing what could have happen if I stayed and probably balanced everything. Her and my career.

TOP nearly gave up everything, our friendship and brotherhood, because of what I did to his bestfriend. It wasn’t easy to  be back in good term with hyung again, but eventually it all went back to normal. Probably because he saw that I was also hurting because of the loss… and that his besfriend is already happy with someone else.

I met Hanee accidentally when I came home earlier than expected from practice. Hyung never wanted to show her to any of us, knowing our reputation with women.

Flashback

“Jiyong!” hyung exclaimed as soon as I stepped in the living room and he just got out of his room, followed by a petite girl. “Why are you home so early?” he asked, pushing the girl back to his room.

“Practice ended earlier than expected.” I answered him and peeked through his shoulder. “Who was that? I didn’t know you’re into little girls hyung.” I .

“Shut up.” He retaliated and shoved me to my room. “She’s my bestfriend. A kid sister.”

A smile creep up my face which caught hyung’s attention.

“Oh hell no, Jiyong. Don’t you even dare.” He warned.

“What? I didn’t say or do anything.” I innocently answered and smile.

“I know you Ji. But really, back off. Plus she likes JaeJoong more that she likes the whole of Big Bang.” He said.

But that wasn’t enough to actually keep my interest far from her.

Despite the fact that hyung nearly ripped my head off when he learned that I’m trying to get his bestfriend, I still went on and dated her. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It was like fitting a thread through a needle. Hanee was a younger, meaner and smaller version of TOP hyung. As if they were separated at birth.

We went out secretly, more of as when I was free. It was technically all about me, now that I look back to what we shared. She had to comply with whatever schedule I have and whatever things I like. Somehow, it felt like I was manhandling the whole relationship. In a very bad way.

In addition, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be. For the whole 2 years that we’ve been together, I’ve missed several important dates in her life. Her birthday, our first anniversary, her planned birthday celebration for me and valentine’s day. All because of my different crazy schedules. But I never heard anything from her. She didn’t say anything to TOP hyung either.

Flashback

“Hey babe, why?” I said as I finally got hold of my phone again, just in time for her call.

“Nothing… odi?” she asked so calmly. Just being as sweet as ever. She always asks where am I once a day.

“Missed me already?” I chuckled as I wiped the sweat off my face. “I’m still in practice. We had to finalize everything tonight so we can practice with hyung and the others tomorrow.”

“Oh… have fun then… don’t tire yourself that much…” the only words that went out of before I heard Jaewook hyung calling me back to the floor once again.

“I’ll just drop by tonight so you wont miss me that much. Love you.” I told her and hang up without even waiting for her answer.

I wasn’t able to drop by later that night, as the boys dragged me to eat dinner with them.

And only two days after, just because of TOP hyung, I realized that, that was her birthday.

+++

The greatest test that came was when a picture of us leaked through the internet. I don’t know how people tie things up, but the picture was actually a group picture.  Hanee was with us, the whole YG Family crew and their partners. I wasn’t even sitting beside her.

Rumors started coming up on TVs, internet portals, even SNS. Worst things started happening. My own SNS account was hacked, Bigbang’s and the YG official website too, just to find evidence that I’m dating someone.

Flashback

“Jiyong-ah.” YG hyung called as I waited for him outside his main office.”Sit down. This is going to be a long talk.” He stated as he himself sat down on the couch opposite to mine.

I obeyed his orders, looked straight at his eyes, trying to get a clue on why he called me.

“How’s Hanee?” he asked.

I don’t know. We haven’t seen each other since the rumors went out. I wasn’t able to reach her phone since people have calling and texting her.

“Good. But not good, good.” I told him. “You know.”

He sighed.

And that meant lots of problems. Serious things to be talked about.

“Do you love her?” he asked, looking at me straight to my eyes.

“Of course!” I immediately answered.

“What are you willing to do for her?” he inquired once again that I can feel like im talking to Hanee’s father.

“Anything.”

“I’ll go straight to the point Jiyong.” He started as he crossed his arms over his chest. “This relationship is not doing you and her any good. Especially now that something like this leaked out.”

I gripped my jeans tight as I know where this will be going.

Hyung handed out some papers and I read them carefully.

Pictures, articles and posts from fans that do not approve of any of this.

“And just yesterday, someone spray painted her car.” YG added. Much to my agony that is. “JIyong… that’s not the only reason why I called you over.”

I looked at him with questioning eyes.

“I don’t want to sound like a party pooper, but you’ve been neglecting work too.”

“I don’t understand…” I murmured.

“Its time to choose… Let her get hurt from all these crazy antics from your so-called fans? Not being able to release your solo album?”

+++

That time, I don’t know how I’ll break the news to her. How things will end up between us. How our future is going to be in a few days, weeks, months.

I myself was breaking inside when I knew that I broke her apart.

Flashback

“I told you I can’t come tonight.” I told her over the phone as she called for the nth time. “Why are you being like this? I thought you understand that this is for my work!”

I can feel her fury from the other line. I never raised my voice to her. I never had the power to.

“Where are you then?” she asked.

“I’m in YGE, where else?” I tried my best to act. “Wait. Are you doubting me?” I tried to be pissed.

“Ani!” she immediately replied. “I was just asking… Just text me when you come home, I’ll just have coffee with my friends.”

I am indeed in YGE, but I’m not doing anything. If it permits, I can actually spend the whole night with her now that the rumors have died down.

“Hey man, How about a drink?” Kush, Psy and Teddy hyungs passed by.

I stood up and walked with them. I need that.

+++

Half past 12, I know I’m tipsy and a bit more, I’ll be dragging myself home so I stopped.

As the wild music filled the air, I let my head feel the music, didn’t even notice that my phone was ringing.

“Ji! This is Kiko!” Kush hyung said in between the noise as he sat down with a pretty brunette. “She’s keep you company tonight man! I heard what happened from YG hyung.” He said and left us.

Probably because of the alcohol, I started having conversations with her that it felt like it was normal.

“Can I get your number so maybe we can still keep in touch once you started promoting in japan.” She said.

I fished out my phone from my back pocket. It was flashing Hanee’s name.

I immediately hit the cancel button, and despite the effect of the alcohol, an idea came to mind.

“How about I save my number on yours?” I tried to make my magic work on her.

+++

“So this is the reason why you can’t drop by at the apartment?” her glaring eyes pierced through my body.

“Is it even a big deal?” I asked her, trying to be strong, when all I wanted to do is to crush her in to my arms and tell her that everything is going to be alright. “Look, Kiko’s waiting, we have to go. I just need to get Gaho.” I told her and pointed at the girl in my passenger seat.

“How long?” she asked, almost teary.

“What?” confused. I asked.

“How long have you been fooling me?”

“No need to know.” I told her coldly.

Her grip on Gaho’s leash loosened and I took that opportunity to grab it form her.

“I’ll be going.” I told her, but stopped midway. “I hope this settles everything.” I added and went to the car to get gaho in.

“J-jiyong…!” she called.

I looked up. Tears running on her cheeks tears my heart apart. But I love my work and hyung already gave me a deadline…

She closed the gap between us and took something off her. The ring. The ring I made for her… she’s giving it back.

“I’m sorry…” she said before running back to her apartment building.

+++

I drowned myself in alcohol days after what happened. Weeks after, TOP hyung learned what happened and nearly sent me to the hospital. I didn’t budge. I just left him hit me because I know it’s the right thing to do. We weren’t in speaking terms till I don’t know how long.

If not because of my mom who kicked some senses to my thick skull, I would totally be out of my priorities. I should prove to everyone that I chose the best… and I can still get her back.

+++

“Have you heard?” TOP hyung asked as he sat down with me in front of the TV. He knows the truth. YG told him everything. But he still hates the fact that I use that method to break up with her.

I looked at him, silently questioning him what the heck is he talking about.

“She’s getting married.” He told me ever so flatly as he handed over an envelope that looked like an invitation.

“The stock broker proposed on her birthday. She immediately said yes…” he continued as if I can’t find my tongue. Then he dropped the bomb. “Wedding is on your birthday.”