Music: Can't I Love You - Kim Nam Gil

 

 

You were fully clad in a white top underside an animal printed sweater, dressed in hot pink fitting denim which hugged your trim stature and a baby pink sling bag slung around your left shoulder.

 

Your lengthy, coiled and light-colored hair was tied into cute high pigtails with your bangs well set aside and pinned using a strawberry hair pin. You didn't wear any make-up, well, except for a pale lip gloss.

 

You were rasping your hands simultaneously to keep your humid in this freezing darkness. You were walking as you made your way to your destination, the park.

 

You're going to meet Dongho, your best friend. Your phone beeped, signaling that a message was sent to you. You clicked your phone open and saw Dongho's name in the sender ID.

 

"I'm in the park already."

 

You inaudibly read the message from him. You kept back your phone to your pocket and walked more rapidly. When you reached the park, you ran to the bench you've settled to meet.

 

This bench was under a tree, planted in the core of the park. You went to the bench, but it was unoccupied. Dongho wasn't there.

 

All of a sudden, every single one of the lamp posts in the park went off. You spun around in apprehension, but you felt something warm catch her.

 

Lanterns hanging from the tree gradually lighted the bench. When you looked ahead, Dongho was in front of you.

 

Your hands were on his chest, feeling his thumping heart. And your blushing faces were so close up to each other. Dongho pulled out a posy of red roses from behind his back. He handed it to you.

 

"Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl."

 

You took it from his arms and held the bouquet close to your chest, feeling the petals tickling your skin. You appreciatively beamed at him.

 

"Thank you for the flowers, Dongho."

 

Out of the blue, Dongho knelt in one knee in front of you. He held your hand securely and whispered the sweetest words ever.

 

"I have been in love with you since forever. Would you be my girlfriend?"

 

You felt that any second your tears will fall down from your eyes. The neglected tears you had kept since you entered the park. So, you looked up to the twinkling stars and blinked back the tears.

 

Before a single word could come out of your mouth to answer the question you so longed to hear for years, Dongho stood up from the ground.

 

"So best friend, how was it? How about me? Do you think Hyeri will say 'yes' to me? What do you think? Would Hyeri accept my feelings for her tomorrow night, huh?"

 

You wiped your tears away wordlessly and looked up to him. You felt grateful because of the dark surroundings so that he will never noticed your tears.

 

"Everything is so idealistic. You were also excellent. Of course, I think she'll say 'yes' to you. She'll accept you. I think you are the ideal boy for her, Dongho."

 

Dongho took one stop as he advanced forward, and you took two steps back. You were afraid that if moves closer, he will see you crying. Unexpectedly, Dongho hugged you.

 

"Thank you very much! You’re the best best friend anyone could ever have!”

 

You broke the hug and pulled out something from your carrier. You handed it over to him as you took another step back, afraid of all the possibilities that will happen once he holds you close.

 

"Here is the love letter for Hyeri. You called me last night to make one for you, so here is it."

 

Dongho received it from you and he hi-fived you. Without opening the letter, he carefully placed it inside his bag and looked up at you again.

 

"Thank you! I don't know what to do if not for you. Thanks for everything. I'm so happy to have you."

 

You plastered a fake smile on your face. The way you smiled at him was so fake that it makes your mind and heart ache. Your insides melted as he returned your smile.

 

"Anything for my best friend."

 

Your eyes roamed the surroundings, not meeting his eyes that were smiling at you. You need to avoid his presence before you fall to your knees, confessing your love to him. You checked your watch.

 

"It's time for me to go. Goodbye."

 

Dongho waved at you earnestly with too much happiness. He can't even wipe that silly smile on his stupid face that makes you fall for him more.

 

"Goodbye! Be careful, okay?"

 

You nodded and walked away from the park, as you cried your heart out. When you reached your house, you chose to lock yourself within your room.

 

You grabbed your bag to read the letter you've written for Dongho. The letter you can't even have the bravery to bestow to him. You held the envelope on your hands and opened it leisurely.

 

When you started to read the letter, your eyes widened in distress. Mistakenly, you gave the wrong letter to Dongho! What the hell.

 

The letter with you was the letter for Hyeri. There's no way he will be able to read your letter for him. It will rupture your friendship. And that's what you dread the most.

 

 

Falling in love is hard. It breaks your heart, messes up your mind and makes you cry.

 

How much more if it is a one-sided love?

 

It is a kind of love which will never be given back. It's hard to know that you will never have the one you love from the start, but you can't stop building a small light of hope in your heart that one day you can have him.

 

But when you are in love with your best friend, it's painful to think that you are always together, but will never end up together.

 

 

The night which Dongho chose to confess to Hyeri came. Everything was so superb, and he expected it to be a good sign for him. But not until when he gave her the love letter you made.

 

Dongho received the most unpredicted reply, a slap on the face. She even threw the letter on his face before she ran away.

 

Dongho was so puzzled and clueless with Hyeri's dealings. And to answer the questions that were bugging him, he read the letter.

 

 

April 14, 2013

 

Dear Dongho,

 

I am so dim-witted for loving you, because I am just your best friend.

 

Especially when you are in love, not with me, but with someone else.

 

And being the unintelligent person that I am, I am writing a letter for you.

 

A letter which you can never read because I won't have the nerve to give it to you.

 

Dongho, I didn't know when I started to fall in love with you.

 

I just woke up one day, realizing that I have fallen for you.

 

I don't know where to start since I have many things to tell you.

 

Can I just tell you anything that comes to my mind?

 

Everything between the two of us seems to be so agonizing for me.

 

But my heart chose not to feel the pain since love overpowers it.

 

Do you remember the time when I was in school late, waiting for you?

 

You didn't come to fetch me because you walked Hyeri home.

 

But it's okay.

 

It's okay even though I was robbed while walking on my way home.

 

Do you remember the time when I was ill in bed and unaccompanied at home?

 

You didn't take care of me because you attended Hyeri's party.

 

But it's okay.

 

It's okay even though I walked to the pharmacy to buy medicine and collapsed on the road.

 

Since the day I positioned your heart here in my mind, I can't stop thinking of you.

 

And since the day I offered my heart to you, I can't put it anywhere else.

 

I won't shut my heart, even though you've damage and broke it apart.

 

You are the only one who brings a smile in my miserable and forlorn world.

 

You are always here beside me and always here for me, but I can't have you.

 

Even though you will eliminate my love and toss my heart away, I will still love you.

 

Why can't you love me back?

 

Please come to me and tell me the truth.

 

Just for once, can't you grant me the opportunity to seize you in my arms?

 

You are the only one I love, my first love and my last love too.

 

And you are the reason behind my existence, I'm alive because of you.

 

Why won't you accept my heart?

 

Even though you won't give me your heart, it's okay.

 

I will always be here for you.

 

I won't be beside you, but I'll be behind you always.

 

I can only love you distantly from now on.

 

I can only watch you from afar now.

 

I may not be able to protect you and your heart, but protecting your shadow is okay.

 

Even though I love you and you don't feel the same for me, it's okay for me.

 

I am so sorry for loving you.

 

Love, your best friend.

 

PS: How about I write Love, your best friend without a comma?

 

 

You desperately ran and made your way towards the park where Dongho and Hyeri are. You saw Dongho, but Hyeri was nowhere in sight. Dongho was sitting on the bench.

 

He had his head down and his face buried on his arms, with the letter on his hand. You leisurely walked towards him, and you could clearly hear his muffled cries.

 

As if sensing your presence, Dongho promptly stood up from his seat and hugged you. Dongho asked tearfully as ran his fingers along your hair.

 

"Why didn't you tell me about your feelings for me?"

 

You glanced up to his face. He looked so sad and there were dried tears in the corner of his eyes. He looked down at you and there was no hint of a smile lingering on his face.

 

"I’m afraid to fall in love with you. I’m afraid to go out on dates with you. I’m afraid to hold your hand in public. I’m afraid to kiss you under the rain. I’m afraid of telling you how much I love you. I’m afraid of losing you. Do you know the reason behind all these fears? It’s because you’re my best friend.”

 

He buried his face on your neck as he breathed in your scent. You smelled like home. The way his tears roll down and the way he bites his lip didn't escape your vision.

 

“Sorry.”

 

You looked down on the ground. Sorry? Is that all he can say after breaking your heart into pieces and crashing those little pieces with his hand until they turn into dust?

 

“And no matter how much I tell you that I love you, will it change the fact that you still don’t love me?”

 

You broke the hug you shared and backed away. You have to let him go before everything becomes worse. You have to accept the fact that he will never love you.

 

“I need to go. Goodbye.”

 

The way you said goodbye was different. You were not saying goodbye for leaving him that night. What you meant was forever when those words escaped your mouth. 

 

He wanted to tell you to stay with him but he just can’t. No matter how hard he tries to open his mouth, he has no strength and his hand can't even reach you.

 

So Dongho just mutely waved a hand at you as you walked away from him. Placing his hands inside his pockets, he raised his head as he looked up to the moon. He whispered, talking to himself in particular.

 

“My best friend, you were always there with me since the beginning. I consider you as the most treasured person in my life, but now I’m making you cry. Why can't I accept you in my heart? Why can’t I love you?”

 

He wants to listen to everything you say, but will never hear the confession behind your words. He wants to talk to you all day, but you will never hear the words you’ve so longed to hear from him.

 

He wants to be your guide, but he can never show you the way towards his heart. He wants to protect you, but he’s the one who’s breaking your heart. He wants to comfort you when you’re sad, but he makes you cry.

 

He wants to make you happy, but he could never give you your happy ending with him. He wants you to believe in fairytales, but he could never spend forever with you. He wants you to be on his side always, but you can never have him.

 

He wants to fall in love with you, but he just can’t.

 

 

 

a/n: you better listen to can’t i love you by kim nam gil. this song is an ost for queen seon deok. it is a korean historical drama. my favorite of all time. it made me cry buckets of tears and i even had colds after. i salute the writers and directors of that series since they are really good. the actors and actresses also portrayed their roles well. you better watch it. and i want to thank everyone for reading! here's something to express my gratitude to the people who read, commented and subscribed. gif is not mine. credits to the owner.