For once, you didn’t ask me what time I was coming home, you didn’t ask me what I would like to have for dinner, you didn’t tell me to come home safely. You didn’t text or call either, leaving me clueless, but not bothered. Truthfully, I had expected it. We were strong, very strong, but we were not strong enough to live through this.

We were dying from the start. I knew it. You did too, and we had tried everything in our power to keep us from falling apart. But we couldn’t argue with Fate, not when Fate had already decided for us to part ways here. In the end, every relationship comes down to one single question; do I love her enough to let go?

The cigarette dangled from my fingers and I leaned against the railing, carefully avoiding the bird droppings splattered all over the cold metal. The view was beautiful here and the breeze that came occasionally was great. It smelt so much of fresh air here, nowhere near the contaminated and polluted air below. I raised the stick to my lips and inhaled deeply, feeling slightly regretful at the fumes that were released into the clean air as I exhaled. I almost felt sorry.

It didn’t matter anymore, what I did, what you did, what we tried to say, what we tried to do to make everything alright. In the end, we were just here, just hanging onto the words we had heard each other say last. What we do now didn’t feel right, because we know it’s wrong. I didn’t feel particularly relieved when I felt your breath on my skin. I would think that you didn’t feel particularly satisfied in my arms either. Face it, our love for each other wasn’t going to make it in the end. It wasn’t going to survive in this world, not in this world. Maybe in a world where everyone was happy and there were double rainbows highlighting the sky, could we love without restraint.

You are probably in bed now, not even bothering to turn off the night lamp, turning over to my side a few times and murmuring a few names. It didn’t surprise me that my name wasn’t one of them. You are probably dreaming of a good future, of the happy life you are about to have with someone who would love you effortlessly. I couldn’t do that.

“I couldn’t do that,” I repeated softly.

I can’t love you effortlessly because it took too much effort to love. I can’t love you effortlessly because I wasn’t strong enough for you. I can’t love you effortlessly because where I had been, what I had seen, shaped me into someone who couldn’t give love away too easily.

“We can’t stop now,” I said, pleaded almost.

“There is nothing to stop anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

I waited for that moment, for that single line, for those words that would shatter everything, every single dream we dreamed, every single kiss we had, every confession we made to each other.

“I’ve lost it.”

That was when I had completely lost her. I have tried and we did try to correct everything, but you can’t fix something that wasn’t broken in the first place, you can’t continue something that wasn’t there in the first place.

But something had been broken at the start.

I stood at the foot of your bed, vulnerable, lost. I was empty, just waiting to be filled. No one came. My salvation had chosen to hide and let me suffer instead. We were human, but yet here we were, trying to be humane. I broke something that night, your fragile heart. I lost something as well, my struggle for humanity, my struggle to be humane.

I didn’t see your tears when you cried. I didn’t hear your yelps and whimpers. I didn’t see the hurt in your eyes. I didn’t deserve you.

I am a monster. I would curse Fate for doing this to you. I would curse Fate for making me love you. When you held me to sleep that night, holding what was left of your clothes to yourself, I had cried. I refused to be comforted and you knew that. Maybe that was why you kept on whispering words of comfort to me, so that I would acknowledge that I was to blame for all this, that I am a monster.

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter,” you kept on saying.

I was shivering, curling into a ball and just wanting to die right then. I wanted you to slap me, to beat me to the point of unconsciousness, to take a butcher’s knife and—

“What are you doing here?”

I didn’t turn around.

“Hey,” I felt your fingertips at my shoulder, but I was silent.

“You know what; I think I’ve lost it too.”

You joined me and watched the view together. A quiet, bitter laugh escaped your lips.

“This is pathetic,” you said.

“Please don’t point at the stars. I don’t want to stargaze now,” my voice was dry.

“There aren’t any stars to begin with,” you r eyes travelled to the cigarette in between my fingers. “I never knew you smoked.”

“I didn’t know either.”

You didn’t say anything, probably because you had nothing to say. So, I kept quiet, realising how distant the silence between us had become. It saddened me, but not completely.

“This is it, then,” I could only say.

You nodded, agreeing. “This is it.”

It doesn’t matter, whatever we did, whichever road we took from here onwards, because this was it.

—Here, take a shot. Make a guess whose POV this is. Actually, it works in both contexts, depending on who is dominant for you, I guess. I realise that I needed to write some TaeNy one-shots as well, even if it wasn’t the happy ending you readers want. I’ll apologise on that behalf. But, thank you for having read this far. (Danggeun)