omg i wrote too much. forgive me.

Review: My Thai Prince
Author: maeanneda123
Reviewed on: 120428 by Marie

Character Development; [/15]

After reading the first 5 chapters, I felt like I had a clear understanding of the characters’ personalities. However, at times you overstress them by describing too much about their relationships. Instead of telling the reader numerous times that they are close friends, show the reader through their emotions, and how they react to each other. You do this more later on. Still, you do a good job of keeping their characters continuous, instead of having them everchanging. I know what kind of person each one is, and I am definitely not confused about any of the characters, because there aren’t too many, and the ones that you have are so present.

In some instances, the characters’ actions don’t really match their personalities, though. For example, in chapter 9, Yoona and Nichkhun suddenly change the way they view each other. Neither are stubborn anymore, and it makes it sort of awkward to read. Yoona is suddenly okay with the fact that she and Nichkhun aren’t meant to be, whereas in the beginning, she fought so hard against Yuri. If you make the change more subtle and not so ‘all of a sudden’, it will make more sense to the reader.

The characters’ reactions to some things are also kind of dull. Minho barely has any reaction to the knowledge that Yuri and Nichkhun are dating, and Yuri doesn’t find it all that strange that Nichkhun suddenly announces it. Again, just make it more subtle, and possibly describe more about how they feel.

Again in chapter 12, the characters of Yuri and Yoona become friends too quickly. Before, they were rivals, and then just by being her nurse, Yoona accepts Yuri as a friend. The switch is just slightly awkward.

In chapter 17:

Asides from her brother and Nichkhun, Yuri didn’t have many friends at school. No matter how hard she tried to befriend other girls, they all seemed to hate her with a passion because of her close relationship with the Thai Prince. On the other hand, guys adored her. They admired her pretty face, her hot body and her kindhearted yet tough personality. However, Yuri avoided boys; they were a waste of her precious time. Because of these reasons, she was often on her own for that matter.

This is redundant, because you have already mentioned plenty of times that Yuri did not have many girl friends. I understand why you included it in this flashback, but the flashback itself felt unnecessary.

Sometimes, you stress information about the characters in the past more than you do them in the present. Try to balance it out.

One last thing about the characters: At first, the story revolved around the love triangle between Yoona, Yuri, and Khun. But it switched to Victoria, Yuri and Khun very abruptly.

I almost confused the characters because of this. Make sure you don’t change things like this so quickly, and fit the changes in to the story slowly. 

But even still, I liked the characters, especially Taecyeon, and you adhere to their personalities quite well. 

[10/15]

Plot; [/25]

At first, it was hard to tell where your story was going. I knew in the end there would be some sort of final decision regarding whether or not Nichkhun and Yuri would end up together, but that was all that was clear. However, the plot moved quickly and involved so many events that having a clear plot didn’t matter. The events went smoothly, and although at times it was slightly unorganized, the plot was developed nicely. Nichkhun moved back and forth from Thailand to Korea so many times that it was also kind of redundant and confusing but everything seemed to work out so it doesn’t matter much. A lot of events were very unrealisitc, though. For example, in Chapter 28, if someone had tried to kill me twice, I would not sit there and forgive them right away, even if I was Kwon Yuri.

As a whole the plot was mesmerizing and interesting and I enjoyed reading Khunri, even though it is a couple I have never heard of! 

[19/25]

Conventions; [/15]

Your writing style isn’t bad. The mistakes you make don’t detract from the story’s overall effectiveness. I won’t point out every single mistake, but I will mention some of the recurring things I noticed. Okay, it seems like a lot but bear with me, it was a long story so I’ll be including many things.

The use of semicolon:

You use semicolons often in your story, and most of the time they are used correctly. However there were a few instances that they were not. For example in Chapter 1:

She stared at him attentively; studying every inch of his body.

Just in case- A semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses. Each side needs to be able to stand on its own. “Studying every inch of his body” does not. Instead of a ; here, you would use a simple comma.

The word haven’t:

I noticed this happen a few times in your fic. For example, in Chapter 4:

They haven’t seen each other in a while.

Your story is written in past tense, while “Haven’t” is a present tense. It suggests that they, at the present time, have not seen each other for a while. In the midst of past tense, this is awkward. It should be “hadn’t”. This is a minor detail, but since it happened often, I thought I should mention it.

Awkward wordings:

You sometimes use sentences that make sense only if you read it in a certain way. They aren’t necessarily incorrect, but I found myself rereading certain parts to make sure I understood it. A good example in Chapter 5: "You again?" she whispered her scream.

Always be sure to reread what you have written before publishing it. If it sounds awkward to you, it will definitely be for the reader, considering the reader has only your words in front of them, not your thoughts as well.

Dialogue:

Many, many times, you have one person talking, and you follow up the dialogue with another person’s actions. This is completely fine, but make sure to start a new paragraph so it doesn’t get confusing. Let me explain with an example. This is from Chapter 2:

“I spend time with you everyday too!” Yuri bit her lip and held herself from provoking a tantrum. The last time he spent time with them was more than a month ago, before Yoona started whining about not getting enough attention from her beloved boyfriend.

Nichkhun is speaking here, but then it says “Yuri bit her lip”. While I was reading, I had to look back to make sure I was clear on who it was who said this. Since sometimes follow dialogue with something like “he said” or “she yelled”, following it with a name of someone who did not do the speaking can be confusing.

I would reword it as this:

“I spend time with you everyday too!” Nichkhun yelled. Yuri bit her lip….

or:

“I spend time with you everyday too!”

*new paragraph* Yuri bit her lip….

Again, this is a minor detail, but if you fix things like this, your story will be much more effective as a whole, and clearer for the reader to understand.

Following Dialogue with an explanation:

Sometimes, too much description is…well…too much. You often have two characters talking, and after each one says something you describe why they’re saying it, or how they’re feeling. This is fine, but it gets sort of redundant, because a lot of those things are implied. In Chapter 2:

“Don’t you dare insult Yoona ever again! You’re not worthy of calling her anything because you’re nothing compare to her.” Those words were the most hurtful ones he ever said knowing how much they’ve been through together. Yuri was always by his side whenever he’d have any sort of problem.

    She was his regular comforter in the midst of fights with Yoona. She was also his sister when troubled by his parents.

    What surprised her most was that Khun was normally the most gentlest man anyone could possibly meet. But his temper could turn quite bad and she knew it.

Following Nichkhun’s words, I understand why you included all of the backstory about Yoona and Yuri. However, almost all of it had already been mentioned. I know you wanted to stress those points, but it can make the reader feel belittled, like everything needs to be explained to them. Instead of simply talking about their actions, try describing their feelings. Often in your fic, I find you simply telling the story, like a summary of what went on. If you want the reader to feel the characters’ feelings, you have to make them known.

“Don’t you dare insult Yoona ever again! You’re not worthy of calling her anything because you’re nothing compared to her.”

Yuri stepped back, her eyes blinking wide. She swallowed, her heart falling. It was as if the time they had spent together meant nothing to him. She looked up into his eyes, feeling his rage in their intensity.

I know that sounds mediocre, but I’m just trying to give you an example. A story will have a bigger emotional impact if you can portray their emotions, instead of just telling what happened.

Misused words:

More than once, I saw you write “check” instead of “cheek”. “He touched her check” is incorrect, because it should be “He touched her cheek”.

In Chapter 23, you say this:

Giving that the apartment was quite small,

When it should be this:

Given that the apartment was quite small,

This is a minor mistake but I just thought I would point it out.

In Chapter 26, you say “tones of fun”. I would ignore this as a spelling error but it happens more than once. This should be “tons of fun”.

For some reason I noticed numerous mistakes in the final chapter. You say “chocked” instead of “choked”, “loose” instead of “lose”, and “He’s human being” instead of “He’s a human being”. I'm aloso not sure that "hypothesizes" works in that context. It sould be "hypotheses", which is the plural of hypothesis. This might have been because you were rushed, but make sure to proofread before publishing.

Overall, I was surprised to see that your first language is French. It makes sense considering your writing style though. For someone whose primary language is not English, you have a broad understanding of the language. Keep reading and writing and you will definitely develop a wider vocabulary and new grammar skills. Despite your mistakes, you did a great job.

[8/15]

Originality; [/15]

I have never read a Khunri fic, so this was new for me. I like the way that you included real life events, but still made it your own. I really like how creative you were with that. Instead of just describing what you think happens in real life, you were able to come up with a fictional story about it.

However, cancer is not original. When I found out that Yuri was sick, I was not surprised or moved when she got better, simply because it is overused. I’m glad you used it, because it took up the bulk of your story, but I’m just saying that it wasn’t anything new.

Also, some of the things that happened were predictable. For example, when Nichkhun saved her from the flower pot. I knew that was going to happen from the way that you set it up. Maybe try and make things happen more mysteriously, so they’ll be unexpected.

All in all though, I felt that this story was original and I can tell you put a lot of thought into it. Great job! I loved it. 

[10/15]

Extras; [/10]

Poster / Background: Yours fit your story perfectly. Great job to the artist. The only thing I would suggest is making the background less busy. Since it’s so small, it distracts the eyes from the poster, which should be the focus. Maybe a mellow, solid color would do? That is just a personal preference though, don’t do it if you don’t want. Some chapters had posters, and others didn't...you should really pick one or the other. The Chapter 11 poster did not fit with the chapter at all, either.

Title: It may not be something completely original, but it fits your story well. The only thing is the word “My”. My suggests that it is written in first person. However, your story is not. It would still be fine if it were in the point of view of a main girl character, but again, it isn’t. It is told from numerous people's POVs. At the end, the title made more sense, but while reading, the "My" part didn't make as much sense. As for chapter titles, you did a good job. I really liked how you placed a title with what happened, minus Chapter 12. The title did not have anything to do with the main point of the chapter.

Description: Your description left me confused in the first couple chapters. You say that he was sent to a “high school”, but it seems, judging by chapter 1, that he had been in Korea for quite some time. This led me to wonder which it was, and I am still confused. Also, you describe a lot of the things that happen in the first couple chapters. This almost made me lose interest when reading the first chapters. I don’t have any suggestions of how to change it, I’m just telling you how it felt when reading. If I may, this is how I would rewrite it:

Living in Korea for several years were the best moments of his life. Why? It was simple; he had a chance to stay away from royalty. Nichkhun Horvejkul, also known as the Thai Prince, was someone who wanted a normal life, in a normal home with normal people. When the king of Thailand sent his son to be schooled in Korea, Khun only hoped for peace and quiet. That’s exactly what he got when meeting Yuri and TaecYeon, who soon became his best friends. Despite the two being bottom class in society with a hard life, and Khun being filthy rich, it didn't stop them from loving each other.

   The three became inseparable and knew everything about one another, or at least it was what they thought. Yuri had a hidden secret that she didn’t dare utter to anyone but her brother. On top of that, Nichkhun was spending more and more time with his “perfect” girlfriend Im Yoona, and neglecting his best friends.

Just as things start to get out of hand between them, Nichkhun returns to Thailand to continue his studies.

Will Khun come back and work things out?

Will Yuri follow him instead? Will the awkwardness of their relationship disappear?

What will happen to Nichkhun in Thailand as Prince? 

If Khun leaves, will Yuri be totally different when he comes back?

The question words, though, were great! That is a wonderful way to end the description because it provokes interest and mystery. I would remove the “adopted brother and sister” because that is something as a reader, I would have liked to find out while reading the actual story. I would also leave out what Yuri’s secret was, because if you leave it as just “she had a hidden secret”, the reader will wonder what that is.

Trailer: This is the first story I have read with a trailer. It was kind of confusing but it’s great to have one.

Foreword: I’m not personally a fan of characters being listed in the beginning, because I like to find out things about them while reading. It’s perfectly fine to include that though, just make sure you don’t reveal too much!

Just another note: In chapter 1, you underline “Since then” every time it shows up. Don’t underestimate the reader, because I would probably have caught the connection without you underlining them. Hidden messages like those are the kind of thing you don’t want to point out to the reader, but have them interpret themselves.

 [8/10]

Pace; [/10]

After reading the first 5 chapters, the story felt slightly rushed. This is probably because you’ve included so many different times into those chapters, including flashbacks. If there was any other way you could do this, I would suggest it, but I can’t think of anything. For example in Chapter 4:

Finally, he came to the conclusion that he was going to run away…

“Finally”? To me, it didn’t seem like a decision that took much time, because you jumped to it so quickly. Maybe include a few sentences about wanting to return to Korea like this:

Being apart made him miss her terribly. He missed her smile, her warmth and her comfort. Thinking about all these things created a huge list of reasons why he shouldn’t get married to Victoria. If only there was a way he could return to his old friends, and escape the horrors of marrying someone he barely knew.

That was when he decided to go back to Korea.

I know I sound kind of dumb here, but you get the idea.

Little things like this were what made the story feel rushed, even if it was perfectly paced. It was more your transitions that were awkward. Often, I felt like things jumped back and forth too quickly; instead of something leading into something else, I got something ending and automatically another thing starting.

Still, you managed to keep me interested throughout so good job. 

[5/10]

Meaning; [/10]

I hardly ever read full stories. I was going to pass this one to my other staff, but I decided to check it out first to see if it was something I was interested in. And it was. You managed to keep me interested for a full 30 chapters, which I can assure you never happens. Along with that, you did a good job of making it meaningful not only for the characters, but for the reader, and for yourself. I can tell you put feeling into the words, instead of just writing them. This is a good talent to have, so keep writing!

[7/10]

Bonus; [/5]

Congrats! You are the second person to receive bonus. I am awarding it because I actually want to read more Khunri now, as well as your new story. I may not have time lately, but maybe in the summer I will read it. You don’t get full bonus points, but this is still an accomplishment, so feel proud.

[2/5]

Overall; [/100]

I really enjoyed this story. I hope you will continue to write, and not take anything I have said in offense. I mean everything will love. ^^ Please remember to credit, and come back for another review if you want sometime. Never give up! And don’t say your story has many things condemnable! >< Be confident in what you do.

I hope my review has inspired you in any way, and helped you. I spent a lot of time on this story and review, and I hope you will appreciate it. Thank you so much for requesting. Your score is a high one.

-Marie

[69/100]