Review: The Messenger From the Past
Author: ShineBFIsland501
Reviewed on: 120429 by Marie

Character Development [/15]

There are only two chapters in this story, so it is hard for me to analyze the characters so soon. What I can say is that your characters are very predictable. Onew loving chicken is one of the most overused things in a fanfic that I have read. And Key as the “umma”, again, is overused. Try to be creative with your characters. There’s more to them than what you think. Try to convince the reader that each member of SHINee is more than just being the ‘umma’ or the ‘maknae’.

[5/15]

Plot [/25]

Again, there are only two chapters so this will be difficult. Maybe request once you’re finished so I can do a more thorough review. So far, the plot is obvious. It’s good to develop your plot early on, but I think you overemphasize some things. For example, when Seul Ki got a text, and the members were contemplating what it could be about, the reader can tell that the text message is going to be important later. Instead, try to make it more mysterious, so the reader doesn’t expect things.

Some things are highly unlikely in your story. For example, if the lead actress even had her phone on set during a filming, she would probably be fired. Much less, if it went off. Time while filming costs money, so it is unrealistic that she would just leave, and that no one would be against it.

There isn’t much else I can say about the plot.

[16/25]

Conventions [/15]

If you are going to change point of views, do it with a purpose. Do it because there are things that the person whose point of view you are telling it from is thinking that are important to the story. When you switched to Key’s POV, it seemed unnecessary. Also, when you switch back, don’t say “No one’s POV”. This is unprofessional. You can say “Narrator POV” or “3^rdPerson POV” instead. Still, this is slightly amateur, and I advise against it. If you can, maintain the same point of view throughout the entire story. It will make it much more effective. If you can’t, make sure you are constant with who’s points of view you use. Don’t tell it mostly from Key and Minho’s point of view, and then suddenly change to Taemin.

Your vocabulary is average. There isn’t anything great about your choice of words, and it doesn’t sound very mature. But, your grammar is not bad. Again, it’s nothing exceptional, but you have a clear understanding of English.

I noticed one mistake, though. In Chapter 2:

"Here's some chips," Onew said, handing Taemin a bag of chips.

“Here’s” translates as “Here is”, which suggests that there is one thing, because “is” is a singular word. But you follow it with “some chips”. This should be “Here are some chips” or “Here is a bag of chips”.

[10/15]

Originality [/15]

The storyline seems very unique. I haven’t read a mystery on AFF. Most stories are simply love stories, so it is refreshing to see a new genre. However, many ideas you present in your story are overused, like I mentioned earlier. Try to come up with your own creative personalities for the characters, as well as events that occur. You used a music video as the basis of your story, which is perfectly fine, if you are creative with it. Many stories get inspiration from music videos, but you shouldn’t describe what happens in the video. Dig further into the video and come up with your own ideas using the video as basis. To me, it seems like your story is following the video closely. I have yet to see SHINee as detectives in your story, but that is also a very original idea, so I will commend you on that.

[12/15]

Extras [/10]

Title: The title is definitely intriguing and mysterious. “The Messenger From the Past” sounds like a title for a mystery novel. It also isn’t something cliché or overused that readers will skip over. Good job.

Background/Poster: I really like your background and poster. But I am wondering why you have so many? Most shops don’t like when you request from more than one place at once, so I am sort of confused as to why you have multiple character charts, and why you changed your poster. Having three character charts is quite redundant, especially considering that they don’t match well together. It makes the foreword look choppy and unprofessional. I would suggest requesting from one single shop next time.

Cleanliness: Many links at the bottom are unnecessary. Instead, add a hyperlink to a word. For example instead of saying this: 

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/122454/sweet-witches-graphic-cafe-open-hiring-graphics-poster-request-shop Thank you to xXxKakusa-na-BaraxXx from Sweet Witches Cafe for the wonderful poster and background.

Say this:

Thank you to xXxKakusa-na-BaraxXx from Sweet Witches Café for the wonderful poster and background.

That way, there isn’t as much going on at once, so the reader doesn’t get annoyed by how many links are there.

Character descriptions: The purpose of including a character chart is so that your reader can know which characters will be present in your story. However, in addition to a chart, you included a paragraph and photo about each character. This makes it so repetitive. If you are going to do one, do not do the other. I only need to be told once that Key is the ‘umma’ before it starts to get annoying.

Description: It seems to me like you have two different descriptions. You can take out the first paragraph or the second paragraph and it would still be a nice description. Again, you are redundant when you mention over and over that they are detectives. Try combining those two paragraphs:

SHINee, a boyband in South Korea, is constantly working to live up to their expectations as amazing dancers and singers. But, what do they do when they aren’t busy? When Park Seul Ki is chosen to be their lead actress in an upcoming music video, she discovers the truth about SHINee’s secret life, and even aids them in their adventures.

Do you see how this leaves a lot up for the reader to find out later? You don’t have to tell the reader everything that will happen in the story from the beginning. You can leave out that they are detectives, because it should be obvious once they start reading.

Also, don’t say “Who are the stars of the story? Well let’s find out!”

That hurts your credibility as a writer a lot. From just reading the description, the reader will not have a high opinion of your writing. Try to be more professional. You can still be fun with it.

Font: For some reason, the size of font in your story changes. It is distracting. Make sure you keep it constant throughout the fic.

[4/10]

Pace [/10]

Your story goes very quickly. Not much has happened so far, but it has already been two chapters. The first chapters to a story should be the basis of the story, but it feels like your story hasn’t even begun yet. The chapters are also very short, which is also okay, but barely anything happens in them.

Also, the second chapter ends very abruptly. I understand you wanted to provoke mystery and wonder at what she will respond, but the way it was written was poor. You could add more to the scene to strengthen this. For example:

"Don't run away like you did yesterday okay, dongsaeng?" Taemin joked, while messing up Seul Ki's hair.

  "Neh," Seul Ki answered, while looking towards the floor.

   "Why did you run away?" Jonghyun asked.

You could change this to say this:

The next morning on the set, Taemin caught up with Seul Ki as soon as she entered the building. “Don’t run away like you did yesterday, okay dongsaeng?” he joked while messing with her hair.

Seul Ki faked a smile, looking toward the floor as she nodded her head.

“Why did you run away anyway?” Jonghyun asked, his eyes raised in curiosity.

The rest of the members by now had gathered around them, listening attentively, also wondering what her reasons were.

Seul Ki bit her lip, her eyes shifting away from them. She swallowed, then opened to reply...

This isn’t perfect by all means, and I know it sounds strange, but even adding a little bit can make the ending of the chapter more effective. Try describing their feelings more, and their actions, instead of just listing dialogue throughout the entire story.

[5/10]

Meaning [/10]

Since this story isn’t finished, it is hard to tell the purpose of it. It is also hard for me to see why you wrote it, or how it makes the reader feel. But there is one thing I will say. The title, poster, and background all suggest a very serious fic. But the way you write makes it sound more fun, and not as mysterious as one would think when first finding your story. Try to make them correlate. Do you want a mysterious fic? Or do you want a fun, silly fic? You can combine them, but make sure your writing exhibits both. The tone in your story is very light. Try to make it more perplexing, and include things that will puzzle the reader, while still keeping the characters in good feeling. I think that might help. If that doesn’t make sense, I am truly sorry. I gave you a neutral score because I don’t know much about the meaning yet.

[5/10]

Overall [/100]

Overall this story seems very interesting, and with more chapters, I am sure that it will become more clear what the purpose is. You should continue it so that someone can review it more fully. Obviously, your score isn’t a true representation of your story, because it is barely just starting. Thank you for requesting! Please do not be offended by anything I have said. I enjoyed reading, and I am interested to see what will happen next. I hope you will update soon for your readers.

[57/100]