It has always been Karina and Winter.

Always been Karina and you.

From 2nd grade, every time the teacher calls out a group activity, you and her eyes find each other. Twinkling. No teacher could stop the two of you from being partners.

From 4th grade, when some sort of puberty was starting to hit the boys in your class and you had to step up and shove them away from Karina. They always fancied her, and you started being protective.

In 6th grade, when Karina sprained her ankle during a school event, you were the first one kneeling beside her, already comforting her and cooing praises at how good she did. She would have won 1st place if she didn't get hurt. 

(She cries to you, saying how she was so disappointed in herself and that you probably were too.

You simply laugh.

Karina could never disappoint you.)

When you two started discovering more about yourselves, likes and dislikes never touched upon as children, you realized that there were so many more to discover. More artists to look forward to, music to listen to, stories to tell!

But when 8th grade came, and the line for your best friend started getting too long, she started apologizing more for forgetting about you.

(You never forgot about her.)

All of a sudden it wasn't Karina and Winter in 8th grade; it was Karina and Jeno. She kept blowing you off during the summer, even during the very seldom times you two do manage to hang out. Jeno would suddenly be there, on his stupid little bicycle and his stupid little boyish grin and then you were alone.

Suddenly, most of the things you and her liked together weren't interesting anymore. Suddenly the inside jokes were too annoying–cringy, childish. Then you had to hold back your tongue in joking around like you always did when you were younger because Karina can suddenly give out terrifying glares if she didn't like what you said.

Your favorite movies and shows were the last set of options even though they were part of the routine. The sleepovers scheduled every other weekend turned to every 3, to once a month, to suddenly never again, and you couldn't even remember when the last time was.

The playlist you made for her was suddenly forgotten; every time you add a song, she never says anything. Never looks at it at all. You tried one time to add a song you knew she hated, just to spike a reaction. There never was one.

(Later that day you would remove the song from the playlist and instead add something different. Something she was humming a lot on the walk back to your house.

You wanted her to know you paid attention. That you still notice.

She never noticed.)

High school was . It wasn't supposed to be. Karina was supposed to be with you, like she promised. But you guess that was before Jeno and before you were highschoolers.

Sometimes you blame everything on puberty. You've read lots about them and a lot of Karina's odd changes were familiar between the words on a random MD website's article about it. Everybody's hanging out with each other, looking at each other in weird ways, and all they talked about were crushes and likes.

You never cared for that– never really had a chance to entertain anyone else that wasn't Karina because… why would you? Your best friend was already there, and she was smart, funny, caring, and so intertwined with your life that there was never really space for anyone else.

Apparently until now, where she found space between the spaces of her fingers, between her ribs and between each breath. Suddenly, space was everything that there was between you two.

Throughout the school year, the whole 9 months of it, Karina only sat by you for lunch 4 times. Most of it was in the beginning of the school year.

You convince yourself it's different with you. 

Karina has other friends now, people who didn't really like your initial meekness or the way you like Pokemon and books. Or how you didn't really like makeup or boys or whatever else they could find reason to just to make sure you get the gist that you weren't welcome in the group.

But you hold on; you and her still walked home together. It is silent, sure, and if there is ever a conversation it is usually never between you and her, sure, but you didn't mind. Walking home next to you almost everyday gave you enough reassurance that it was still the Karina you knew and treasured.

That she was still there, perhaps not in the way you were for her, but there nevertheless.

Sometimes, she would say something, but then you would get shy and embarrassed and your reply wouldn't make sense so she wouldn't answer after that. 

But she said something to you. 

That was enough for your chest to soar and to look forward to the next day.

10th grade was worse, and you didn't even know how it happened.

Your sent messages were suddenly undelivered, and any calls were left unanswered. You try to hang out with her– even Mrs. Yu went out of her way to get Karina outside of her room and hang out with you, but to no avail.

Suddenly, in the summer just right before 10th grade, all you could hear are Karina's words echoing inside your head, bouncing off of old memories and hopeless attempts of rekindling a friendship.

“I'm busy, Winter.”

(She didn't like calling you Winter. Said that everyone calls you that and she would rather be special, dubbing you “Win” and becoming possessive about it that she made sure no one else called you that.)

“I got a preorder for a special Snorlax plush! The one you've always wanted,” you try, trying and trying and trying to keep the conversation going, to keep hearing her voice even if it was through the locked door of her room, your balled fists shaking against the wood. “Saved enough money from doing chores so I can get it for you. It was all you talked about when we were 12, especially after we found out that they weren't going to sell them again.” You try to give a little chuckle, hoping that it will help. That it would raise a more fun memory from the girl on the other side.

“You're weird. Go away.”

“Oh,” was all you could ever really say as you feel your stomach drop to the ground, and you wished your entirety could follow suit. “Yeah… umm, okay. See you tomorrow then…”

Karina never replied. To this you just nodded as the back of your eyes start to sting, feeling the wave of humiliation envelop your body like a second skin. You know you will be replaying this moment again and again, pretending like there was something else you could have said or done to get a different response.

.

You think it was your fault. 

You hang your head down as you slowly go downstairs, turning around every couple steps to give Karina the option to change her mind. To talk to you again. 

To be Karina and Winter again.

But the silence was deafening and, really, all you want to do is curl up and cry.

“What did she say about Snorlax? Everyone who's ever known Karina knows about her obsession with that Pokemon.” Mrs. Yu is chopping some vegetables, no doubt for the stew she promised you earlier that you guys will have for dinner. “I'm almost done with the stew, little snowflake.”

You try to smile, but even if you couldn't see your face, you know it's shaky. “Um, I don't think Rina is feeling good right now so I'll just head home.”

The world starts to spin and your vision blurs from the unshed tears you're trying so hard to hold. You hear Mrs. Yu say something, but you can't really understand what she is saying. It's a jumble of words and sounds but really, all you can hear is Karina.

Go away. 

Go away. 

Go away.

You hope it's nothing serious, what the older woman is saying, because you try to nod anyway and mumble your thanks and farewells.

She gives you a brief hug and you have to take a sharp breath to keep yourself from clutching onto her and bawling your eyes out because this may just be the last time you'll see Mrs. Yu too. Instead you hug back and give her cheek a kiss before leaving, promising her that you'll stay for dinner next time.

The air outside is fresh. The sky is pitch black, with very little dots of white across its vastness. It was a quick walk home, though you're not really sure if it was because you kind of just spaced out. Your feet send you in front of your house, bleak and dark. There's probably no one home again tonight.

You look back at the Yu's house and see a shadow by the window of Karina's room. A surge of hope blossoms in your chest, and you wave at her.

But as the curtains move to cover the window, you find yourself grateful that your parents aren't going to be home tonight. You doubt they'll stay quiet when they hear you crying.

Karina didn’t talk to you the entirety of 10th grade. 

Again, you blame yourself for it.

Why didn’t you just give her space? Why couldn’t you just like the same things she now likes, and just drop the old hobbies like she did?

Sometimes you try to reach out, but the words clump in your throat and your arms go heavy by your sides. 

As you watch her from afar, laughing loudly at her friends’ jokes over something you probably wouldn’t know, you try to keep the pain in your chest bearable. 

Even on the last day of school and all the teachers agreed to hold no classes, you continued to linger around the brightness of your best friend. To bask in the rays of her smile and to hear her voice even if neither of them are directed towards you.

Maybe that’s enough. Even just for now.

But a sharp tug somewhere between your chest and stomach leads you in front of Karina–and her friends. They stop talking when they realize you were there, looking at each other with confusion because why would you be there? You aren’t part of the group. There really isn’t anyone there that wants you there–

“Um, hi,” you squeak out. Your bottom lip gets stuck between your teeth when you see them start whispering. “C-can I talk to… you? Karina?”

Every girl turns to look at her at the same time. Karina doesn’t even flinch, and that hollow pit in your stomach grows with the realization that she doesn’t even acknowledge you at all. That perhaps you’re really not Win to her anymore. Just Winter.

“Rina?” You recognize the girl as Giselle. You see her during Biology sometimes, but whenever she does attend the class, she is always beside Karina. She walks with Karina now after school. She’s the one in the sleepovers now.

Hearing your nickname come out of , when she probably doesn’t know a lot about Karina–definitely not more than you, her best friend, someone who has been there with her for so many years—

You look helplessly at Karina, trying to get her to say something along the lines of ‘Hey, don’t call me that. Only Winter can call me that.’ But she doesn’t say anything.

She doesn’t ing say anything. 

That was enough for an answer to every question you never said out loud.

Instead you smile and nod. 

Those years held between your hands, of you and Karina, of the memories shared and the dreams to look forward to… they just slip past your fingers.

They poke and stab your heart until the tiny bit that you hold on your sleeve slips past too.

You walk away.

Mrs. Yu catches you outside when you take out the garbage. She waves at you and beckons you closer. You don’t want to but you trudge towards her anyway.

“How’s my little snowflake?” she asks, hugging you before she keeps you in front of her as she looks over you. “You’re thinner now, sweetheart. Are you eating okay?”

You nod silently, stacking this lie upon the other ones you had to bring out whenever she or your parents ask about Karina. 

“I haven’t seen you in a while, snowflake! Karina’s going through puberty, you know how she is. Keeps mum to herself and expect us to guess what she wants without saying anything,” she rolls her eyes, waving animatedly through her words.

You take a deep breath in preparation. “Sorry, I just got busy. I have a part-time job now so it’s hard to plan even if it’s the summer.” Stacking and stacking.

Mrs. Yu looks at you in confusion, “Oh? Karina never told me about that.”

You shrug. “She might have forgotten.”

The conversation between the two of you continues until you bid her goodbye, making an excuse of something about how you are tired from your shift earlier. She waves with her wide smile, eyes turning to crescents.

You wave back, and when she’s gone, you run back to your room because she looks so much like Karina that it feels like a new wave of pain and exhaustion racking up your bones. For a split second, you selfishly imagine it was Karina smiling and waving at you.

You don’t have a part time job, and you aren’t busy at all. Your summers have been so intertwined with the Yus that now that they’re gone, you just kind of… exist. No picnics to look forward to, or random trips to the beach. No more sneaking out at night to look at the stars or to hang out by the park.

The summer stays just like that. 

However, in the one time you go out alo