January 2007

                A month had passed, and there is no time that I wouldn’t cry everytime I would remember my sweet sister. I didn’t even celebrated Christmas Eve and New Years Eve happily. I miss her so bad... the way she talks, the way she smiles, the way she laugh, the way she cries, the way she whines, and most of all the way she loves me as her younger sister. No one could ever replace her part in my life.

                My parents told me that what happened was an accident, no one wanted it to happen. I’ve been telling them that it’s my fault for letting her go, but they would always say, there’s no one to blame, everything happens for a purpose. Until now, I can’t find the purpose. I mean, what’s the purpose of losing someone you cherish? It doesn’t make any sense.

                Wait!

No, there’s this one man I can blame of my sister’s death, that indi rockstar. My sister died because of his influence towards her, even though he doesn’t know me, I know one day he’ll repay the painful experience he had let me undergo.

                Our Entertainment Company was really sorry for our loss, but they can’t just postpone the debut of the new girl group because of losing one girl. So they push through the upcoming debut and what’s more surprising is that my parents agreed that I would be the replacement.

                Thinking as mature as I can be, I finally decided to take the opportunity. It is not to forget everything about my sister but it’s the best way to keep myself busy. Juggling my studies and hectic training will be a nice diversion instead of moping inside our house thinking and missing my precious sister.

Living a life full of achievement is what I promise my life would be, even though I would surely miss my sister that much, I will make her an inspiration to pursue all of my dreams including hers, to be a famous entertainer, but with a modest and upright living.

Every once a week I would visit my sister’s tomb. She was buried at the Seo’s Family Ground, a private property for our love ones who passed away.

The practice today was really tiring but that would not stop me from visiting my sister. I went to the washroom and wash up hastily, jump into my oversized tee and skinny jeans. I put on my thick coat and slipped on my gray boots. I was preparing my backpack when Jessica unnie came out of nowhere.

“Visiting  Eun Soo?” she asked.

“Yes unnie,” I answered with a forced smile. I put on my backpack, “I’m going first, unnie.”

“Wait let’s go down together,” she followed me and hang her right arm around my shoulder.  “I want to visit my bestfriend too.”

I then smiled at her.

We went to the elevator and waited for it to open. When it opened, Heechul – sunbaenim was on it. He is one of the famous idols of today, he is a member of the boy group Super Junior which consist of thirteen men. They are one of the successful investments of our company.

“Going down girls?” he asked with a smile.

“Yes,” both of us said and bowed.

The ride on the elevator was silent, and when we reached the ground floor, the bell was heard and the door opened.

“We’re leaving first, sunbaenim,” Jessica unnie bowed and I also followed.

Heechul also bowed but after that he spoke, “Stop calling me sunbaenim and start calling me oppa next time, arrasso?”

“Yes,” Jessica unnie spoke for both of us.

Heechul then went to the reception area where some of his band members are lazing off. I was about to head towards the exit when a dark haired guy caught my attention. He was bringing a bulky object. A hard case for a guitar I supposed. A smile was pasted on his lip when he meets Heechul sunbaenim. They hugged each other and then I heard his name spoken from a girly voice behind me.

“Yonghwa,” Jessica unnie called him.

Why is he even here in our company? Did he audition? Is he a new trainee? Why is the sole reason of my sister’s death here?

The guy turned towards us and the smile on his face got even bigger when he saw us... I mean when he saw Jessica unnie. He then waved at us... I mean waved at Jessica unnie.

 “Joo Hyun –ah,” Jessica held my arm and looked at me. “Can you wait for a minute or two?”

“Sure, unnie” I answered.

She went towards the lobby as Yonghwa walked towards her, bringing his guitar case along with him.

I can’t hear what they are talking but I know from their actions that they are talking about something only both of them knew, me and my imaginations, for real.

They were still talking and started walking towards my direction.

“The others are going to her party so we better go, too,” his manly voice was audible when they were a few meters apart from me.

                “I’ll think about it,” Jessica unnie pouted.

                “You’re going because you’ll be my date,” he declared.

                “A cousin for a date, not bad,” Jessica unnie answered with satisfaction. She signalled me to walk with them and I followed their steps towards the exit.

                They continued talking about random things until we reached the parking area.

                “Where are you going?” He spoke. “I brought my car with me.”

                “Ya! You’re only 17 and you’re bringing a car with you?” Jessica unnie chided him.

                “Underground license,” he spoke wryly.

                “Jeongmal? I should tell appa about it so I can bring a car with me, too.” Jessica unnie excitedly said.

                “Not for you... you’re a careless yeoja. And I know uncle will not agree with you this time. He would not want to put his ice princess in danger.” He spoke raising one of his eyebrows, teasing his cousin.

“Whatever!” Jessica unnie pouted while raising her three middle fingers on Yonghwa’s face’s level.

I just shook my head gradually at this girl’s behaviour. Yeah, she’s called the ice princess, because when she is not in the mood, everything around her turn ice. I mean her aura suddenly turns so cold that everyone around her suddenly gets intimidated.

She then noticed my figure.

“By the way, my co - trainee Joo Hyun, Eun Soo’s younger sister. We’re visiting Eun Soo, today,” she spoke towards him.

“Nice to meet you,” he looked at me direct to the eyes and offered his hand. “Sorry for your loss. I’m Yonghwa, Jessica’s cousin.”

I suddenly felt heat rise to my face as I fight his mysterious gaze. I bowed to cover my bashfulness, took his hand and shook it. “Ne, thank you.”

He said he’s sorry. No, he isn’t. He doesn’t even know how my sister died. It’s because of his “rockstarness” that pull unnie to go out that night to watch him perform on his showcase.

I am not immature, it’s just that, if my parents are saying that it’s not my fault, and then it would be his. He is the main reason why my sister died. I may not justify myself why I blame him too much, all I can do is hate him until all the hatred in my body burst out.

“Seo Joo Hyun!” Jessica unnie’s voice was rising but not angry.

“Unnie,” I spoke looking towards her.

“It’s like for the hundredth time I called you. Are you okay?” she asked worriedly.

“Ne, unnie,” I answered. I felt a warm thing on my hands when I noticed that I haven’t called off the handshake.

I hurriedly let go of his hand and suddenly felt the coldness. What am I feeling? It’s like I want to hold his hand more.

No, Seo Joo Hyun. Make up your mind, he is the reason of your sister’s death. Don’t fall into his charm. I chided myself.

“So we were saying that he’ll drive us towards the Seo Cemetery. It’s better than taking a cab,” Jessica unnie justified.

I can’t do anything, leaving without any valid reason would make me disrespectful. I really don’t want to be with him. I felt weird around him. So instead of running away from him, I followed their paces.

After a few minutes of silence inside the car, only for me, for the two are having some catching – up talks, we arrived the tomb.

Jessica unnie took a stem of white rose from her large shoulder bag and placed it on Eun Soo unnie’s tomb. So she did prepare for this visit.

We were just silent, reminiscing our past experiences with the one located six feet under the ground, happy and sometimes sad memories.

“I miss you,” it’s enchanting but Jessica unnie and I spoke at the same time. We looked at each and laugh a bit.

A ringing phone interrupted our have off pat.

                “Mine,” Yonghwa spoke. I almost forgot that he was there.

Of course, he doesn’t have any memories with my sister why bother being sentimental.

He walk away from us and was talking as his lips were moving but inaudible to our ears. After a few minutes of talking to the phone, he came back and spoke.

“I need to go, some family thing,” it was directed to Jessica unnie and I was thinking that he sort off put emphasis to the last two words.

“Okay, we’ll just call a cab out,” Jessica unnie spoke and she kissed his cheeks. “Take care.”

“Nice meeting you again, Joo Hyun. Hope to see you later,” he spoke before he turned his back towards us.

“He likes you,” Jessica unnie spoke.

“What?” I was shocked. What is she saying?

“Never mind... it’s just that I know my cousin that much,” she vaguely explained.

I just didn’t mind her babbles.

                “Hope to see you later” his faint voice echoed in my mind.

                Yes we’ll see each other later. For I have already foresee how to make you suffer what I had suffer because of losing someone important to me. You’ll feel the pain Yonghwa. The pain of a sister’s vengeance.

If only Eun Soo unnie haven’t meet You...

If only You do not exist in Seoul...

If only You do not have a famous indi band...

If only Eun Soo unnie does not admire You that much...

If only You did not perform that day...

If only Eun Soo unnie did not go...

If only I did not let her go... Unnie would still be here beside me.

If only... two words but symbolizes a very immense regret and pain.

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January 2007

Oh My Goddess,

                It’s such a pity. I saw you yesterday, spoke to you and also held your hand. It was a surprise that I can finally talk when you’re in front of me. I guess it’s a good development although it was short - timed. You were with my cousin as you were visiting your sister’s grave. I am really sorry for your loss. I found out that she met an accident. But, was it really an accident? No, it wasn’t. The group of people I am with saw the CCTV that captured the accident. There was a foul play. I should know better. I am still studying on it. But I can’t concentrate on one thing for the job that I can’t even write on this journal is really frantic these days.

I was really curious how come you’re family was included in this series?

                I really wanted to stay behind and sent you home with my car, but the call of duty for my job is not cooperating.

                I almost died yesterday.

                I close my eyes, getting ready of the full blow that would suppose to end my life. Then I suddenly thought of you. Your angelic face beaming towards me. That’s the time when I thought that I should never give up until I have a chance to spend my whole life with you, even just by looking at you from afar. Thank you for saving me, goddess.

                You’re really an angel in disguise.

                I really want to talk to you personally and tell these words that I am writing but then, I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t risk myself just as I can’t risk yours. You’re too precious to be included in this circle that I am in. I will just look after you from afar. No matter what happens, I will protect you.

                 Clandestine Chap