“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?” Sunggyu doesn’t look up from his phone. He is playing this football game Woohyun has introduced him to. He has no interest in football, but Woohyun plays it regularly and once he learned to play it, he got addicted.

“Jongwan oppa said you had been distracted at work.”

He finally looks up. “When did you talk to him?”

“He called me.” Saerom sits down beside him on the sofa, placing her hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

He laughs, shaking his head. “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just taking things easy.”

“You missed two deadlines.” It may seem a big deal to Saerom because she is a workaholic, but journalists miss deadlines all the time. He has never missed two before, but it’s all part of the process.

“I’ve been helping one of the rookies with her report…it’s not a big deal…”

He hopes she will drop it but the grip of her hand on his shoulder becomes stronger. “Jongwan oppa sounded worried.”

He tries to wave it off. “It’s not a big deal, he won’t fire me, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“Of course not,” she says emphatically. “I’m concerned about you.”

He tries to focus on his game again, but she takes his phone out of his hand. “Sunggyu, what’s going on? I get the feeling you’re not…here, you know? I mean I have been busy myself but, even when we’re together we barely talk.”

Running his hand through his hair, he tries to reason with her. “Saerom-ah, I just need some time to myself, okay? To do the things I like. We don’t have to do everything together-”

“We don’t do anything together anymore.” Her voice suddenly turns cold. Sunggyu wonders if this is a joke but when he looks at her, he sees that her facial features are hardened and she is gazing at him intensely.

“Saerom…are you serious here?”

“Tell me something we did together in the last month.”

Throwing his hands up, he says, “We watched a movie only last week-”

“With Woohyun-ssi and Haewon-ssi,” she corrects him. “I-they’re lovely but-when is the last time we did something romantic, just the two of us?”

Sunggyu is rendered speechless. They have never had a fight like this before. The reason they work is because they are accepting of the fact that they have their individual lives where they can be busy. But at the end of the day, they come home to each other, and it’s all well and good. Haewon has never been the type to complain about these things – about Sunggyu not being very romantic, about not going on vacation, or anniversary presents.

“You can’t, can you? Okay, fine, tell me when was the last time you looked at my face, like really looked at my face?”

He takes in a deep breath. “Did I say anything when you were busy working for your promotion?”

She startles. “I thought you were okay with that.”

“I am,” he quickly says. “But that’s what I’m saying, I’m okay with whatever you need to do. And I expect you to be okay with my thing too.”

“What is your thing?” she asks, her eyes moist. Sunggyu has seen her cry probably a handful of times and it has always been for something work related. “I’d understand if you were working on something but…is it payback for when I was busy?”

Sighing, he says, “No, no, it’s nothing like that. Saerom, you’re trying to make this into something, but it isn’t, I promise.”

“So you’re saying we’re okay?”

“Yes, we are.” It’s not strictly a lie. They are okay. He would never leave her. They would get married, have kids. And their kids will play with Woohyun and Haewon’s kids…Just like he has pictured. Maybe they will get a house in the suburbs and Woohyun will be their neighbour. The white picket fence will be the line they never cross. “We were never not okay.”

She doesn’t look like she believes him. “Fine.”

--

Even though she had said fine, Sunggyu could feel that it wasn’t, on her part, at least. Saerom’s work hours increased considerably and she goes on several business trips. It’s fine; his story is starting to pan out and in order to stop everyone’s nagging, he has decided to turn it in as soon as possible.

He also had words with Jongwan for involving Saerom. It was the first time he was upset with the older. Just because they are close, it doesn’t give him the right to go talk to Saerom about these things without telling him beforehand.

“I was worried about you,” he had said.

“Yeah, well, if I decide to form an addiction to an illegal substance, I will let you know.”

“That’s not what-”

“It’s okay, hyung. Let’s just put this to bed.”

Interestingly, he wonders if Woohyun has had a similar talking-to from Haewon. Because his texts become noticeably infrequent, to the point where he doesn’t reply to his messages for days. He says no to a couple of plans. There is a chance that he is busy. But anxiety grips him.

He doesn’t want this – whatever this is they have going on – to end. He doesn’t want to lose Woohyun, again.

--

Sunggyu couldn’t fall asleep. He didn’t want to move around in bed too much lest he woke Saerom. His mind is restless, jumping from one thought to another, emotions changing so rapidly that he could barely recognize them. Sighing, he checks his phone. It’s 3 am. He’s about to put his phone down when he notices a text message notification, from Woohyun.

“Can’t sleep?” Saerom asks. She doesn’t sound sleepy at all, so she’s probably been awake the entire time too.

“Yeah.”

Her hand wraps around him, finding its way under his shirt. Her hand is cold as ice; it burns on his skin.

“I’m sorry to have woken you.”

“It’s not you, I can’t sleep either,” she says. “Shall we-”

He pulls the blanket off of him and sits up.

“What’s wrong?” She sits up too, looking at him with a worried expression.

“Nothing,” he says. “I’m going to warm up some milk.”

Snuggling closer to him, she kisses him. But it barely registers as his mind is oppressively wondering what the text from Woohyun is about. He hasn’t messaged for 5 days straight; he was actually planning to go and see him at the university tomorrow.

“Not in the mood,” he says, pulling her off him and stepping out of the bed. He doesn’t look back to see her face.

In the kitchen, he finally opens the message.

I can’t do the 18th.

He is confused but then he checks the last message he had sent Woohyun and it was asking him if he wants to go and see a musical on the 18th. It’s anti-climactic.

That’s fine. What about the Sunday? He types back.

Woohyun’s message was sent 4 hours ago; surely, he wouldn’t be awake to answer it now. He’ll have to wait till the morning. Or 5 more days, who knows. He will really have to go and check on him at work. He needs to know if something is wrong.

To his surprise, he notices the 3 dots come to life almost immediately - Woohyun’s typing.

Why are you up at this time?

He breathes out slowly.

Working. Have a deadline corning up. You?

Grading papers. I have a deadline too.

Sunggyu wonders if Woohyun’s excuse is a lie too, just like his. He is considering if he should push him about his reticence when another message lights up his screen.

You want to grab a coffee?

His heart jumps and he stifles a curse.

Yah suure. His fingers feel numb as he types. I’llll pick ou up.

No need, I can get there on my own.

Don be silly i can get there in 5 minutes

Running back to his bedroom, he grabs his car keys and a hoodie.

“I’m going out for a bit,” he says to the darkness.

The drive to Woohyun’s place takes him 15 minutes on the empty Seoul roads. He may have been speeding a bit. Woohyun is already waiting in front of his house, bundled in a long coat, scarf, hat, and a pair of mittens. It’s cold and a thin layer of sleet is falling steadily. He’s obviously dressed more sensibly.

“Where do you want to go?” he asks once he gets in.

Woohyun just shrugs his shoulders. Sunggyu doesn’t dare look at his face. Even in the semi-darkness of the car, he senses that something isn’t right. Woohyun isn’t the type to ask to have coffee in the middle of the night. Besides, all their plans so far have been initiated by Sunggyu. This is…something new.

Sunggyu drives to a nearby coffee shop that stays open 24 hours. He orders two iced americanos and they sit down by the window, watching the rain pelting down on the glass. There are a couple of other people nursing their coffees but they are further away. A morose jazz tune plays softly.

Woohyun doesn’t speak and Sunggyu isn’t sure he wants to be the one to break the silence. He watches Woohyun watching the rain. He has a feeling that his current thoughts are complicated.

“How’s your article coming along?” he finally asks.

“Umm…” he is so thrown by the question that he completely blanks.

“You don’t have a deadline, do you?”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I know you. If you had a deadline, you wouldn’t be here.”

Taking a long sip from his drink, he says, “Maybe my priorities have changed.”

The younger looks away again. Sunggyu wishes he could take his glasses off; they shield his eyes, making him have to guess the emotions he is going through. Woohyun has one of the most expressive faces; if you know how to read it, he is an open book.

After a while, he gets up and Sunggyu follows suit. He doesn’t say anything as he walks across the road in the opposite direction to where the car is parked. The rain has slowed down to a lazy dribble. Sunggyu just follows him silently. He can feel something in his gut, he knows something is bothering Woohyun. But he doesn’t know what it is, and he doesn’t know what it’s going to come out as.

There is a small cart bar by the roadside. Woohyun takes a seat and orders a bottle of soju. Sunggyu is now starting to get worried. Taking a seat beside him, he pours him a small drink, but Woohyun starts throwing the shots down his throat like water. He tries to slow him down once or twice, but It’s clear that he wouldn’t be stopped.

After downing a couple of bottles, he says, in a voice barely above a whisper, “I never told you this but I hate you.”

Sunggyu freezes. Woohyun’s voice is surprisingly level despite the bright flush on his cheeks. He is not looking at him, but his words are spoken with intent.

When he recovers a bit, he replies, “I figured you’d feel that way since-”

“Not for the reason that you think,” Woohyun cuts across him, signalling the owner for another bottle. “I don’t hate you because you broke it up, or you couldn’t see a future with the two of us in it. I got over it.” His words have started to slur. “I erased you. I was sure that I was over it all and I wouldn’t feel a thing even if we slept together again. I was that confident.”

Sunggyu is sitting very still in his plastic chair, staring at Woohyun, who is steadily getting drunk. His eyes are starting to get bloodshot.

He doesn’t know what’s chillier, the harsh wind or the younger’s words.

“But…I hate you because none of that is true. I hate you because ever since I saw you, I’ve felt a multitude of things, and not all of it is hatred. I hate you because…” he turns sideways, placing his hands on either side of his face. The rough surface of the mittens brushes his cheeks. Woohyun is staring straight into his eyes, even though his gaze is a bit unfocused. “I hate you because I had my entire life planned out with not an inch of space for you and now, all of a sudden, you’re all consuming, infiltrating, invading. Kim Sunggyu,” he moves his face closer and Sunggyu wonders if he will kiss him. But he stops an inch away, biting down on his chapped lips. “Kim Sunggyu, I hate you for ruining my life. Again.”

--

Getting a drunk Woohyun into his car was much harder than he had anticipated. He is practically dead weight. By the time he manages, he breaks out in a sweat.

Once he reaches Woohyun’s place, he struggles again, half carrying, half dragging him down the driveway, before knocking on his door.

He had expected to wait since Haewon must be sleeping but she throws the door open immediately, looking flustered.

“Um, sorry, he-”

“Is he okay?” she asks in a high voice.

“He’s fine, I promise. Just drunk.”

“Oh God.” She steps aside, letting Sunggyu bring him in. “This way.” She leads them to the bedroom, where after a little struggle, he gets Woohyun into the bed.  “He never drinks. How much did he drink?”

“A lot,” Sunggyu replies, taking Woohyun’s shoes off. Woohyun makes a gurgling noise and throws his hands into the air before rolling onto his side. He carefully takes his glasses off and puts them on the bedside table. “He was out in the rain,” he says. “Probably should dry his hair…if you have a towel.”

She nods.

It wouldn’t be very practical to take his clothes off right now so he just turns the heater in the room up. Haewon returns with two towels, giving one to Sunggyu.

“You’re wet too.”

“Oh, yeah…”

He watches her drying his hair with the towel and suddenly realizes that he is probably invading their privacy. Stepping out of the room, he dries his hair in the hallway and wipes his face. He doesn’t know what Woohyun had told her before going out and it’s probably best if he doesn’t wait for her to ask for an explanation.

“It’s late, I’m going to leave,” he says, placing the towel on the back of a chair.

“Wait, Sunggyu-ssi.” He pauses, waiting for her to come out of the room. “Thank you,” she says. “I was worried. He left his phone at home too…he suddenly said he needed to clear his head and headed out.”

“Ah yes, he is err stressed about…work, I guess.”

“Work?”

He gulps. “Yeah, I mean I guess the investigation into the admissions scandal, it’s stressful for everyone, even if they are not involved.”

There is absolutely no way Woohyun would want Haewon to know the real reason. He just hopes he would have the sense to corroborate his story when he wakes up tomorrow.

“I see.” Her eyelids flutter and all of a sudden, he thinks she doesn’t believe him.

“Anyway, I’ll…see you later, I guess.”

“Sunggyu-ssi?” The tone of her voice has shifted slightly. There is hesitancy in her voice; whatever she is going to ask, she is probably debating the appropriateness of it. He can see it, in her eyes, the way her fingers are scratching the back of the chair she is holding onto. Even her toes are flinching. He knows he won’t like the question, because he will have to lie. “Oppa told me about his first love. He said that they got along very well, but then they broke up.” Her grip on the chairs tightens, her knuckles are white. “Are you his first love?”

Sunggyu could have lied. It is a white lie; he doesn’t want to create problems between them. But saying no would be refuting how hard and how far they had fallen for each other. Saying no would be denying every single moment they were madly in love. And that felt wrong.

“I think you should ask Woohyun about it.”

“Wait, I-”

“Haewon-ssi, I’m really sorry I have to go-”

“I-” trembles. “I don’t know what to do.” She breaks down in tears. This puts Sunggyu in a very awkward position. He himself doesn’t cry a lot so he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Woohyun cried a lot too but that was easy to deal with – he would just hold him in his chest and let him soak his T-shirt, transferring all the heaviness onto him.

Walking over to her, he awkwardly pats her on the shoulder.

“Haewon-ssi, I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m sure everything will be okay.”

He offers her his handkerchief, which she takes gratefully. Stemming the flow of her tears, she says, “I’m sorry, this is so silly. I er-I just,” she looks up at him. “Do you still love him?”

Sunggyu tries his best to manage his expressions.

“Haewon-ssi, I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

“Because,” she smiles a little through her tears. “You know he still sometimes gets me strawberry milkshake by mistake even though I don’t like it? I saw you drinking it, when we were out together.” She wipes her tears. “And sometimes he thinks I like certain songs that I’ve never heard in my life. Songs from musicals.”  With a shaking hand, she returns the handkerchief. “He takes me to beaches because he thinks I like the sea.”

“Old habits die hard,” he shrugs. “It’s not a big deal, Haewon-ssi. You’ve been together for five years, it just doesn’t happen.”

“That’s what I’m telling myself.”

“Woohyun would never hurt you.”

Nodding, she says. “