Trigger Warning: This chapter contains mentions of suicide and traumas. 

Winter’s POV

If one would visit our home and makikita ang mga nakadisplay na awards at medals na may pangalan ko, they might assume na I’m the brightest one, the overachiever, the talented, the most successful. 

I think there was a time when I was. 

Graduate ako sa isang science high school na kilala for its academic excellence. Among the students, I was one of the brightest stars. Sa dedikasyon kong matuto at mag-aral, plus ang track records ko ng consistent highest grades at mga napanalunang competitions, I was not just a student; I was the embodiment of success in my school. 

Nakapasa rin ako sa pinakamahirap na college entrance exam ng top university sa bansa. I was accepted din sa preferred kong course, which is Film. Noong mga panahong yun, kaya kong balansehin ang academics, extracurricular activities, friendships, and family.

But then, something happened in my 2nd year - 2nd sem as a Film student. My world took a sharp and unexpected turn. Hindi dahil sa pressure ng family or expectations sa akin ng mga nasa paligid ko kundi dahil sa isang traumatic experience that shattered the foundation of my once-stable life. Isang pangyayaring hanggang ngayon ay dalwang tao lang ang nakakaalam. Ako at ang may sala. 

From that moment, nagsimula akong magspiral down. The weight of my trauma hung over me like a dark cloud. Gabi gabi kong napapanaginipan ang nangyari sakin at sa araw naman ay puro stress at anxiety lang ang aking kalaban.

Nawalan ako ng gana sa pag-aaral. Yung dating study routine ko ay nasira. Kahit yung mga pinakamadadaling assignments ay di ko maintindihan. Alam kong madali yun dahil halos lahat ng mga kaklase ko ay nakakapagcomply maliban sa akin. Lahat ng lakas ko na dati ay sa acads ko binubuhos, ginamit ko lang para magsurvive. And believe me, it took a lot of energy to stay alive just for another second after what happened. 

Nasira pati ang mga relationships ko. I withdrew from my friends and family. I was unable to convey the torment I was enduring. Yung dating vibrant and outgoing na ako ay nawala, napalitan ng isang cold, distant and withdrawn person na nagpapakalunod sa sarili kong paghihirap.

Kahit ang health ko ay nagdeteriorate. Sleep became a stranger and nawalan ako ng apetite. Dark circles surrounded my eyes. Feeling ko anino na lang ako ng dati kong sarili. 

Dahil sa patuloy na pagcrumble ng aking emotional state, ganun din ang nangyari sa aking academic performance. My grades plummeted nung 2nd year sa university. Nawalan akong gana na pumasok totally. I didn’t know how to face my family. The weight was too much. I even tried to end it there. 

Nang malaman ng family ko ang nangyayari sakin, they tried to help me. I couldn’t tell them what happened to me. It was too much. Kahit ako, ayokong maniwala na nangyari sakin yun. 

My family asked me what I wanted. 

My traumatic experience happened at the university. And every time na papasok ako, I was reliving it over and over. That’s why, I thought, siguro kung lilipat ako, magiging okay na. And so sinuportahan ng family ko ang paglipat ko ng school. They did kahit hindi ko sinabi sa kanila ang dahilan. 

My first semester on the university kung san ako lumipat went smoothly. I changed my course to Engineering. Bagong surrounding. Bagong friends. Akala ko okay na talaga ako. Nagtop pa nga ako sa 1st semester. I even ghosted everyone from my previous school. I felt bad pero kailangan ko syang gawin para magheal. 

However, I was wrong. Hindi sapat ang paglipat lang. Everyone and everything na may association sa previous school ko gave me severe anxiety. In fact, lahat ng bagay na makakapagpaalala sakin ng gabing yun could send me into panic attacks: the sound, the smell, the dimmed lights, the feeling of being a little intoxicated, yung itsura ng taong nagcause ng lahat ng ito sakin. It was so severe I remember having a panic attack in a mall dahil I saw someone who wore the same shirt as that person and I thought it was him, haunting me, watching my every move. Next thing I know, I was in a hospital. My family was called to be there for me. I assured them it was just fatigue.

However, nagsimula ulit ang mga bangungot ko. My grades, for the 2nd time, plummeted again during the 2nd sem. 

I felt hopeless. My trauma was