A/N: sorry, long chapter ahead

 

 

The course of true love never did run smooth.

A midsummer night’s dream, Shakespeare

 

There are some emotions that are very hard to detect. And then there are some that are crystal clear. Like pining.

Sunggyu stands by the window in his office, watching white flakes swirling in the air. The first snow of this year. The snowflakes seem like they’re falling to a tune, gentle but complicated.

His window overlooks the park behind their building. On other days, at this time, the park would be empty. But today, the first snow has drawn out couples and families with young children in hats and mittens. The children look gleeful as they run around, letting out delighted squeals as the snow lands on them. The couples are holding hands shyly, as if the snow has made them bashful, transporting them to the time when they first met, or fell in love. They probably all remember the moment.

Sunggyu’s problem is he doesn’t know when he fell in love. Or if he ever did.

The calmness is rudely disrupted by his door being thrown open loudly.

Woohyun barges in through the door, shutting it loudly in Seungkwan’s face. The poor secretary had looked like he may have attempted to halt Woohyun’s progress. But he looks like he is on a warpath, there are very few things, if any, that could stop him right now. Sunggyu smiles at him, which seems to make him even more angry.

“Give it back,” he snaps, his eyes dark and throbbing. “Myungsoo had no business bringing it to you. And both you and your spy can stay out of my property, forever.”

“Have a seat,” Sunggyu tells him, getting back to the desk and sitting down.

Woohyun looks shocked by his gall. “Did you not hear me?”

“You don’t have to shout to get what you want,” Sunggyu states calmly, pointing again to the seat across from him.

Glaring at him, the younger pulls out the chair viciously and plops himself on it. “Myungsoo told me everything, that he gave it to you. That you read it. I can’t believe you’d make him do it,” he says through gritted teeth, as if he is forcing himself to quieten.

“Do you think I told him to steal it?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t care,” he glances away. The way his lips tremble tell him that he doesn’t truly believe it but he is too angry, too accusatory. “Give it back now.”

Sighing, Sunggyu grabs the manuscript from his drawer and hands it to him, colourful post-it notes sticking out from various pages.

Woohyun frowns at the familiar handwriting. “You’ve edited it?” he asks, staring at it intently, so surprised that he forgets to be mad.

Instead of answering the question, Sunggyu says as evenly as he can, “Not your best work.”

“Oh yeah?” he sneers, looking up at him. The raw fury returns to his eyes, as well as a hint of embarrassment.  “Well, it’s none of your business. I didn’t want it edited, or scrutinized, or read, for that matter.” He flips through the manuscript to ensure it was all intact, biting his lips as if he is anxious about what he would find. Or lose.

There are lots of notes, here and there, curt, to-the-point.

‘Overexplaining.’

‘Too many words.’

‘Roundabout way of saying the same thing.’

The anger within him starts to rise – Sunggyu has been harsh for no reason, he hadn’t even wanted this edited.

“Oh look at that,” he scoffs, stopping on a page. There are obvious mistakes with no notations on them. “You didn’t catch the mix-up in description here,” he smirks victoriously. “You’re slipping.”

“Am I?” Sunggyu is staring at him with piercing eyes, hands clasped together in front of him.  

He feels less self-assured under that gaze.

“Yeah,” the words come out a bit panicked, despite his best attempt. “Look, this is supposed to be Haru’s description but midway it switches to Joseph…”

Sunggyu is not phased at all; in fact, he had half expected, half hoped for the younger to pick it up. Because he would, in fact, like to speak to him about it. “That’s not Joseph’s description. Joseph is short with soft cheekbones and wide eyes.”

Woohyun’s glares at him, embarrassment softening the edge. “Yeah whatever, but this is definitely a man’s description.”

Leaning forward, Sunggyu asks, “And what’s wrong with that?”

There is an obvious change in his breathing pattern; he starts to take shallow breaths. His heart starts to pound slightly. “Haru is a girl.”

“Is she?”

“Of course she is! Did you edit this while high on something?” he snaps in annoyance. For a moment, he had thought Sunggyu had actually paid attention. But he probably hasn’t cared enough to read through the whole thing.

“I’m perfectly sane, Woohyun.” Sunggyu’s voice is quiet, firm, and somehow riddled with emotions at the same time. It sends a jolt though his body. “And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your description.”

He tears his eyes away from Sunggyu’s magnetic gaze, feeling the beating of his hear becoming more frantic.

“So-so what do you not like about this?” he demands, defensive.

“For starters, you’ve made Haru seem like a monster.”

It knocks the air out of his lungs but he tries his best to remain collected. Controlling his expression, he scoffs, “You think Haru did the right thing?”

Woohyun probably wouldn’t admit it but he can see that he is shaken. The way he holds the armrest with his hand, the way he is sitting in his chair at an angle, half leaning forward, they are all like an open book to him. “I think she’s misunderstood. She’s a bit dense, yes. She’s confused, hesitant. She wants to the right thing and the right thing only but she doesn’t know what it is,” he pauses, watching the way the light dances in Woohyun’s eyes and how the younger is listening to him with rapt attention, hanging onto his every word. Bowing his head, he adds, “And she’s afraid. Terrified of making the wrong move, perhaps because she knows a mistake could cost her a lot.”

“Confused?” Woohyun voice is starting to lose the sharpness, dulled by curiosity and uncertainty. “How has she been confused for ten years?” His voice breaks a little, as he blinks back tears. Why is he so weak? “And if she was so confused, she could have asked Joseph for clarification!”

“Ten years?” Sunggyu smiles softly. “Haru and Joseph have known each other for 5 years.”

Looking down immediately, Woohyun bites his lips, cursing himself for the slip of tongue.

“Anyway, maybe she was scared of the answer.” Sunggyu inhales, trying to even his breathing. It’s not easy to keep his cool when Woohyun is sat in front of him, much more broken than he had imagined him to be, now that he has read his heart in the manuscript. He is trying to pull himself together, more concerned about how to ensure the younger doesn’t shatter. “What’s she supposed to think of Joseph’s drunken confessions?”

Slamming his fist down on the table, he says loudly, “Joseph has never once been drunk while confessing to Haru!”

“Then Joseph is a better man than you, I guess.” The words spill out of his mouth uncontrollably, bitter, hurt.

And at that moment, Woohyun knows. His eyes widen and his frame withers in the chair. He knows that Sunggyu knows. He knows that what he had hoped for and what he was afraid of had both come true.

Chewing the inside of his lips, he says, “What-What’s it got to do with me?”

Sunggyu shakes his head slowly. “Are you asking because you don’t know? Or are you asking because you think I don’t know?”

His jaw tenses. “Joseph…Joseph has spent ten years in a prison and he finally broke.” He feels the words stir his stomach like he’s going to be sick.

“What about Haru? Hasn’t she spent the exact ten years in the same prison?” Sunggyu’s lips curl, like he might cry. “Has she not suffered too?”

“Why would Haru suffer? She got what she wanted, a successful career, a place to call home. She didn’t care about Joseph’s feelings. She didn’t love him like he did her…” he says bitterly, feeling a sickening acidity at the back of his throat.

The words slam into him, like a physical blow to his chest, squeezing his trachea until he is gasping for air. “Stop-I can’t, Woohyun I can’t.”

The younger stares at him, his nostrils flaring, a look of confused hurt in his eyes as the tears finally start making their way down his cheeks.  

“I can’t sit here listen to you accuse me of not loving you.” Sunggyu forces his voice to even, so that he is not shouting to the air, to the world, to the stratosphere, to anyone who would listen. He wants them to understand, but even more importantly, he wants Woohyun to understand. “Please. You insult every single feeling I’ve had for you in the last ten years. Just because I haven’t confessed doesn’t mean my heart broke less. Just because I didn’t know it was love, just because I didn’t have a name for what I was feeling, doesn’t mean I hurt any less.” His grips the edges of the table to steady himself; even though he is sitting down, he feels the ground beneath him sway. “It hurts, so much,” his knuckles are white, “to watch you become the person I didn’t want you to become but unable to stop you because I didn’t know what you’d want from me in return…” Swallowing down the tears, he raises his head to meet Woohyun’s tearful gaze, which is fragile with emotions but hardened with resentment. Despite him having every right to accuse him, he doesn’t want to be indicted. “I’ve been unfair to you, I’ve been weak, I’ve been a coward, and I’ve resented you for moving on, or what I thought was moving on…” he says like a prayer, a confession, “but I’ve always, always loved you. Perhaps I didn’t know what love is, and that’s on me…” Woohyun’s mouth opens slightly, like he would say something, like he would stop him, scold him or scorn him, call him a liar, but no sound comes out. Instead he looks at him like his life depends on it. “But I’ve never ever not loved you.”

Truth is, Sunggyu was scared to fix him. He worried that he would break Woohyun in the process. And he would break himself too.

Woohyun is like glass; once moulded, he never changes shape. And he worries that he is to blame, that he had moulded him in a way that would mean that he would go onto hurt forever.

Woohyun was 23 when he had first met him; he was hopeless, he was vulnerable, trying to make his way in a world that has only been cruel to him. And Sunggyu had given him everything. He had given him hope, he had given him a home, and he had believed in him. That, to a 23-year-old man, no, a 23-year-old boy, meant the world. And unwittingly, he may have turned himself into his world.

From there on, he couldn’t have backpedaled even if he had tried.

He didn’t know what was real, what was infatuation, what was gratefulness. And he didn’t want to think about any of it; he was content with scribbling on post-in notes rather than drawing lines, painting borders.

Looking back, he may have started out helping an extremely talented young writer, but at some point, everything blurred into a Cumulonimbus of affection, respect, a desire to nurture, and…love.

He thought he was a calculating man but he never separated out the different emotions so it went undetected.

Because Woohyun would always be drunk when he confessed, he took it as an affirmation of blind infatuation with no substance in it. Even back then, perhaps deep down inside he knew the truth. But it was his mantlepiece, so he arranged the pictures the way he liked, to tell the story the way he wanted it to be.

Woohyun is like glass. Once moulded, he could only crack or shatter. Perhaps it was the strength of his conviction or hope that he didn’t smash into a thousand pieces immediately. But cracks appeared and he could see it; because Woohyun let him see it. And for years he has seen him become the person he didn’t want to be. But at least, he wasn’t lonely. That was a good thing.

That relief turned to disgust, seeing Woohyun’s twisted sense of love. He is spoiled, happens to every young writer who earns a living. That must be it. A spoiled brat with loose morals.

If he had only known that he was trying to pack a hole. That his actions were meaningless and if he listened closely, he could have heard his heart break.

Could he have been braver then? Would he have jumped in to save him? Or would he have been just as selfish as now? Hoping to avoid complications, for them to carry on having a relationship where he could still be by his side.

 

--

 

Woohyun has had recurring dreams of where Sunggyu would confess his love to him. Or at least say he loves him back. At some point, the dreams always ended in some kind of horrific disaster that would wake him up, drenched in cold sweat.

Exactly why had he chosen to fall in love with Sunggyu?

Someone who’s next to him, but way out of his reach.

He wondered at first, how long could one-sided love last. Turns out, longer than he had imagined. Because every person he met, everyone who spoke to him, who tried to get to know him, they all had one thing in common – they were not Sunggyu. A door just automatically shut, one he had no control over.

It’s not like he didn’t try to move on. He earned himself quite a bit of a reputation. But nothing was…right.

He doesn’t know about soulmates but his heart is unique; it was made for one person and one person only.

Now, sitting here in his office, where they had so many casual conversations, he is hearing Sunggyu say the words he always wanted to hear for the first time.

There is no way he would know how to react, how to feel.

His heart is calcified with the years, the toxicity of his feelings.

Today, it beats like it doesn’t want to live for tomorrow. It drums, like it’s gone mad, with the intensity of a midsummer sun.

“You-you’re the most horrible, most disgusting, most-”

“You can curse me out, Woohyun,” he rises from his chair, walking around his desk to stand in front of him, looking down at him. “You can say whatever you want, slander me in any way you want but…but please don’t say you don’t love me.”

Trembling, Woohyun stands up, meeting his eyes.

His insides ripple wildly, like a tsunami. His chest hurts from how hard it’s pounding. 

“I want to hit you so bad right now...”

“Do it,” he says placatingly. There is a flicker of despondency in his eyes. “Hurt me physically, all you want, but don’t say that you don’t feel the same way about me anymore, I beg of you.”

A chord within him rips. He raises his fist, his nails digging into his palms. He sees red, like he wants to punch Sunggyu’s perfect face hard enough to break his jaw. But his fist lands in a gentle thump on Sunggyu’s chest, and he bows his head, feeling fatigue wash over him, like he had been running a marathon. Biting his lips, he tries to stop himself from crying. He has cried himself to sleep for too long, but his tears really have no shame, no self-respect.

“You better punch me, Woohyun, otherwise I might kiss you.” His voice is like velvet.

“Like you would dare,” he whispers against his jacket, feeling lightheaded.

Placing a finger under his chin, Sunggyu lifts his head up. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Their eyes meet and Woohyun feels the same way you do when you find something you’ve been looking for a very long time. Like the moon, the snow, the air, all make sense.

Sunggyu watches his lips for a long time, almost to the point where Woohyun thinks he may just not go any further. But finally, he takes another step forward, angles his face to the side, and gently presses his lips onto his.  It’s a tender pressure, a shy meeting of their lips, but the warmth of it feels so good that this somehow seems like a forbidden kiss.

It’s so soft, so unassuming, so complaisant, that for a while, Woohyun thinks he’s dreaming. It’s a dream and he is floating, and Sunggyu is with him. Sunggyu’s hand rises up his thigh to sit on his waist, and that, is the breaking point. Something snaps within him and he kisses him back fiercely, insistently, crushing his lips against Sunggyu’s. It’s a rough, wet kiss and he bites down on his lips, parting his mouth unceremoniously, and pushes his tongue into his mouth. The force of it causes Sunggyu to knock into the desk behind him. Cupping the back of his head with his hand to keep his face in place, he tilts his face further; he can hear the blood rushing in his ears. Sunggyu grips his waist a bit tighter as his breath turns uneven.

 

--

 

Woohyun’s entire body is trembling against his. He is worried that the younger might break down in tears, but so far, he has only kissed him with fervour, their lips and tongues melded together. It feels like they are but one body, Woohyun’s mouth moving along his own, communicating.

Kissing someone has never made him feel this way before. Of course he has only had a handful of experiences, so far. But kissing Woohyun feels like there is no tomorrow. It feels like a cotton candy dream, like the essence of life itself is being poured into his mouth. The hollowness within his bones soaking up the warmth.

Woohyun is the sun.

He knew he loved him, but only now, he is finding out how much he’s in love with him. So he throws himself into the kiss, heavier, more demanding, because if this was his last kiss on earth, if this was his last breath, he wouldn’t have any regrets.

Sunggyu wonders why he has been so stupid all this time. Or maybe coward is a better word.

Just as he feels Woohyun’s hand cup around his cheek, the door to his office is thrown open and Seungkwan enters. He takes a step, then stops dead, eyes wide, trying to process the scene right in front of him.

Groaning, Sunggyu flicks his hand urgently, a sign for him to leave.

Seungkwan however looks hesitant and instead of leaving immediately, takes another step inside with his hands outstretched, almost as if he’s contemplating grabbing Woohyun and pulling him off of him. Woohyun obviously has a reputation for coming onto Sunggyu and he could understand what his secretary is thinking, that this may not be happening with his complete consent. But it’s a bit hard to talk and explain when Woohyun’s tongue is inside his mouth and he really doesn’t want to break off the kiss. So he waves his hand again, wrapping the other one around Woohyun’s waist, making it abundantly clear that he is a willing participant who wants Seungkwan out of the room.

His secretary seems to finally get the message. His eyebrows rise so much that they disappear into