(a/n: if you want to listen to the song... click)

“Minho hyung, you’re late.”

Minho shrugged as he kicked his shoes off his feet gently and entered the dorm. Taemin pouted at his hyung’s lack of reaction.

“Where did you go?”

“Supper.”

“With who?”

“Donghae hyung.”

“Oh.”

Taemin pouted some more but Minho did not notice – he was casually looking through the refrigerator for something to eat.

“It’s midnight, hyung. You could have at least called to tell us –“

“Taem.” Minho cut him, “It’s late. You should sleep. Why are you still up?”

Taemin’s face fell.

“I was waiting for you.” He mumbled softly.

“I’m sorry?”

“Never mind. Good night.” Taemin turned away and retreated to his shared bedroom with Key and Onew.

So bad…
A person a like you…
Why did you take my heart without my permission?
I’m living with so much difficulty,
but you don’t even know…

“And the winner is, Shinee!”

Taemin’s eyes widened. He looked at Onew, who gaped at Key who stared at Jonghyun who froze with his eyes bulged out. Minho’s mouth formed ‘o’ before turning into a smile. He laughed heartily before hugging BoA – who was standing on the stage together with her Shinee hoobaes. The queen of K-POP beamed at him and congratulated him as she ruffled his hair.

Taemin’s heart ached slightly as he looked away, and he faked a smile at Key who was now pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you everyone, our managers, our Shinee World who always stand by us…”

Onew was speaking into the microphone beside him but the voice seemed distant. Taemin could only smile – he knew he should not look sad at such a happy occasion – he wondered if Jonghyun was okay because he was crying so much – Key was scolding the singer to pull himself together while tears started filling his eyes as well…

But Taemin could only register the image of Minho hugging BoA at the moment with his oh-so-beautiful wide grin on his lips, and how BoA’s arms wrapped around his waist so perfectly it was scandalous. The fans squealed happily at the ‘BoHo’ moment, and Taemin could do nothing but smile on the outside while his heart cried inside.

I know...
That it’s not me–
That I’m not worthy enough for even a blink of your eye…
But sometimes can’t you share your smile with me too?
Even if its not love…

“Yah, Minho, eat some more! You are too skinny!”

“Here, take this piece of meat. You know I seldom share my meat, right!”

“Kamsahamnida, Shindong Hyung!”

Noisy chatters were heard from all over the restaurant but Taemin’s ears were only tuned to Minho’s voice. They were sitting four seats away and yet Taemin wanted so badly to eat his food because his stomach was really hungry, but seeing Minho surrounded by so many hyungdeuls made him uncomfortable. And knowing he couldn’t do anything about it made things worst.

It wasn’t the first time that Super Junior, Shinee and the rest of SM artists had a feast together. It wasn’t the first time that Taemin felt this way either.

“Minho oppa, let’s take picture together!”

“Sure, Krystal.”

“I’m next, I’m next!”

“Sulli, get in the line!”

“Yah, Minho-yah! Noona first!”

“Come on, Sooyoung!”

Jealousy. It was an ugly feeling and Taemin hated it as much as he hated himself for feeling it.

“Taemin-ah.”

The maknae looks up and his eyes met Onew’s worried ones. The leader was sitting right at his opposite.

“Eat up.”

“Neh, hyung.” Taemin obeyed and shoved some rice into his mouth forcefully. He chewed and chewed, but couldn’t swallow.

Onew watched his dongsaeng quietly as Taemin choked on his food. He handed Taemin a glass of water, and Taemin patted his chest as he drank from it, still coughing. Tears filled the young singer’s eyes and Onew wondered if those were due to the choke, or something else.

Please turn back just once sometime
If I wait endlessly like this today
Again its the one word in my heart that I cant keep inside
I love you.

“I have something to tell you guys.”

Taemin’s heart accelerated. Minho was never one to initiate conversation. This could not mean anything good.

“What is it?” Jonghyun yawned. Onew and Key stopped watching the TV and paid attention to the rapper.

“I’m…” Minho his lips. “I’m dating Luna.”

“Luna?” Key’s brow rose. “As in, Luna our hoobae. From F(x)?”

“Neh.”

The living room seemed to be black and white all of a sudden and his throat felt tight. Taemin held back the already threatening to fall tears as he crept back into his bedroom. The hyungdeuls were far too busy asking Minho for details, they did not notice the maknae was not present.

Taemin cried for almost a full hour before he wiped his tears and calmed his breaths. He decided to write his diary to pour all his feelings out.

He already knew it was impossible for him and Minho to be together. Gay relationship… Who was he kidding? Minho would never look at him that way.

He let his train of thoughts ran free as his cheeks became wet once more. He fell asleep with his head on the desk, tears dripping down his diary book, smudging every record of his feelings towards Minho.

Yesterday, I laid my head on my desk
And I think I fell asleep grieving for you
When I opened my eyes, the tears had smudged
Your name and hopeless doodles

When he woke up the following morning, his neck and back ached badly. Key and Onew were already up since they were not around, and Taemin felt something slipped as he stood up – Onew’s jacket. He smiled slightly. The leader must have used it to cover him, prevent him from freezing in his sleep.

Taemin sighed at the sight of his diary. His tears had ruined the pages, but he closed the book and kept it anyway. Even if he could no longer re-reads the entire diary’s content, the diary was his best friend… The only one who knew the pain he was going through.

Taemin took a shower to clean his track of dried tears and to ease the aching from sleeping in weird position. When he finished dressing up and was about to go to the kitchen, a knock was heard on the door.

“Taemin?”

His heart jolted slightly, the painful pang came back in an instant. Grimacing a little, Taemin opened the door.

“Neh, Minho hyung?”

“I want to talk to you.”

“Neh.”

An awkward silence followed. Minho cleared his throat.

“You know I’m together with Luna now, right.”

“Neh.” Ouch.

“Well… I thought it’s okay for me to say it now that I’m together with her.” Minho continued. “Don’t get me wrong, okay. It’s not that I didn’t want to… I mean my intention is not wrong, I just think I should tell you even though it’s too late now.”

“What is it, hyung?” Taemin asked.

“Well.” Minho scratched his head – Taemin knew the older was feeling uncomfortable. “I loved you, Taemin-ah.”

What?

Taemin didn’t realize his jaws were agape. Minho gave a small chuckle before ruffling Taemin’s hair.

“Yeah. I used to have feelings for you. I didn’t dare to tell you because I was afraid to lose you. That’s why I acted cold towards you. But yeah.”

“I have moved on now, but I thought I should tell you. Be happy always, okay?”

Giving Taemin’s shoulder one last pat, Minho exited the bedroom, leaving Taemin alone.

Taemin didn’t know how long passed, but he found his knees giving away as he fell sitting down onto the floor. The tears welcomed themselves back, flowing out from his eyes unstoppably. By now he was tired of crying, tired of feeling stupid, tired of everything.

As I look at your back image
that I got so used to
I say those silent tear-like words,
I love you.

“I love you, Minho hyung.” Taemin croaked softly. “Always have… Always do… If only you told me earlier, if only I had the courage to confess…”

Taemin gasped, and after some time he was so lost in his heartbreak he didn’t hear the door creaked open. He didn’t know whom it was who was holding him – soothing him.

But he fell asleep smelling Onew’s shampoo, and he woke up that afternoon feeling Onew’s arms sneaked around his waist.

Onew’s calm breathing was comfortable to his ears and Taemin found himself caressing Onew’s cheek gently as the leader’s lips parted (mumbling, “Hmm, Taeminie…”).

Surprisingly, Taemin’s chest was lighter than in the morning. The misery that lingered in his heart disappeared slightly along with the sadness as he observed Onew’s facial features.

He felt his lips curled into a small smile as Onew winced at his touch.

Maybe. Taemin thought as he shifted himself a little to hug Onew back, may be this time, I will be happy.