It must have been the exchange I had with Erid before falling asleep, but I had a dream about him—that he actually pushed through with his words, and was already knocking on my front door. I swung it open and saw him in the flesh: snow on his thick, raven hair, trembling cherry-red lips, sharp eyes which reminded me of molten amber. That image of him caused me to wake up and sit up straight. My heart was beating wildly against my chest; its thudding traveled to my temples, causing my head to throb dully.

   I checked the time. It was already a few minutes past 8 a.m. I unlocked my phone and went to Instagram. No follow-up from Erid. I didn’t know him deeply, but I knew he was someone who kept his word. Him saying he would go to Korea was not an empty statement.

   Just then, my phone rang. The banner displayed ‘Erid Chavez’. My fingertips grew cold, and a chill ran up my spine. Why was I nervous?

   I cleared my throat, and pressed the blue icon before placing my phone against my right ear.

   “Oh.”

   That was his opening statement, and it gave away nothing. His voice sounded deeper over the phone. There was a faint humming noise in the background, and I assumed it was his PC.

   “Oh.” I parroted.

   “I didn’t think you’d answer,” he began.

   “You said if I don’t, you’ll come here.”

   “You hate the thought that much?”

   My brows furrowed, but I decided not to respond to that. Instead, I asked why he called.

   “I wanted to be sure it was actually you,” Erid said. “You left all of a sudden. I only found out because I couldn’t find your name in the directory anymore.”

   I scoffed. “Were you supposed to invite me out to lunch again?”

   “Yeah. A movie, too.”

   His swift and transparent response caught me off-guard.

   “Well,” I sighed. “I’m not there anymore, so…” my voice trailed off.

   “Why Korea, of all places?” he asked.

   “I don’t know, either,” I admitted, but I was smiling a little when I said that. “I made sure I have a job and a place to live in before coming here, though, so I’m all good.”

   “Does your mom know?”

   I didn’t respond. We basked in silence for a few minutes, and he let out a sigh. “Okay.”

   Okay, what?

   “Erid, isn’t it late over there?” I said, breaking the tension between us. “It’s a weekday, too.”

   “I’m all right,” he replied. “Are you going somewhere today?”

   “Yeah.”

   He smirked. “Your answers are always terse.”

   “So why bother talking to me?” I blurted out, and I quickly covered my mouth, but I knew it was too late. I had already said those words, and there was no way for me to undo that.

   There was a long pause between us, and just when I was about to say something, I heard Erid stir on the other end of the line.

   “Think about it, Lia,” he said. “Think about it, long and hard. Then at least, I’ll be on your mind.”

   “If you have something to say, just say it here,” I replied.

   “There is something I’ve been dying to say,” he admitted. “But I won’t do it. Not until you look at me and point it out. You can accuse me of it. I would like that, actually.”
   “And why is that?”

   “Because if I say it, you’ll run away.”

   I couldn’t counter his statement.

   “Like you always do,” he finished off.

   A lump formed in my throat. I hated Erid. I hated him. I hated him because he could see right through me, and it made me feel . I hated him for staying. For making me feel hopeful. That maybe, just maybe, someone wouldn’t leave.

   “Still,” he continued, and his voice carried this certain warmth and gentleness. “Do what you must. You have your reasons, and I won’t tell your mom, either. But you have to answer my calls.”

   I kept quiet.

   “Please,” he added.

   “Okay,” I choked out. “Okay.”

   “Thank you.”

   I got added to a group chat where Joon and all of INFINITE were the members. Joon helped me set up my phone when I got my sim card working, telling me to download specific apps that would be more useful simply because I was in Korea. Google Maps, for instance, wasn’t that credible, so I had to get NAVER Map and Kakao Map. It seemed trivial, but that was what made my reality more concrete. I was living in another country, and was about to create a new life. I was still very much Julia, but in Seoul, nobody knew me. In Seoul, I could restart.

   A notification then popped up on my phone: Meeting at the company. 13:00. Make sure you’re hungry!

   I told Joon he didn’t have to pick me up. I wanted to try going to the office alone—not that it was far away in the first place. It was bright when I stepped outside. Blindingly so. The white sunlight failed to penetrate my coat. It felt artificial, and it reminded me of Belfast. The pavement was salted, and frost formed on the metal rails. Many people gathered in the streets, and I presumed it was because of the time. It was lunch, after all.

   I caught a whiff of meat the moment I entered the office. Sure enough, there was a variety of food on the table, and everyone was gathered around, removing the lids and preparing the utensils.

   “Lia, you’re just in time,” Woohyun said with a grin. “My brother delivered this for us.”

   “It’s from their restaurant,” Sungyeol winked. “But you should taste Woohyun’s cooking as well.”

   The rest of them nodded in unison.

   I grinned, and asked if there was anything I could do to help.

   “We have cups at the back,” Myungsoo said. “Let’s go get them.”

   It was a loud meal altogether, with everyone laughing and talking. Truth be told, it was an atmosphere I wasn’t used to. I only knew of moments when I would eat alone, not necessarily caring whether the food was hot enough or not. My main focus was not to starve, and to let my body know it was getting fed. I was familiar with unscheduled meals that consisted of stuffing my mouth with one hand as I scrolled through my phone with the other.

   But at that time, something stirred within me as I watched everyone gather around the table, eating with gusto and letting the conversation pour down with no filter whatsoever. Electricity ran through my fingertips, and everything was soaked in vivid colors. The coffee machine. Dongwoo’s blue hair. The pale sunlight streaming through the windows. The clear, winter sky.

   Suffering feels religious if you do it right.

   No. This. This was religious to me. Being surrounded by people and laughter and colors felt holy. Not suffering. Not forced solitude.

   Do you feel much better now? I heard a child ask at the back of my mind.

   My eyes felt warm. I gently placed my hand over my chest.

   Well, I replied. Do you?

   She giggled, reminding me of tinkling bells on a spring day.

   I love you, Lia.

   I didn’t know if I was the one who said that, or the child. Nevertheless, it was true. I loved that version of me at that time. And for the first time, I wanted to get to know myself more. Consciously. Willingly.