Reacting is our failure to accept the consequences of our actions and the ones of others.

Friday 27 December 2019

30 minutes. 30 minutes before I got to that damn beach house. Something was wrong. I could feel it. Everyone had had this morbid feeling tonight. Or was it just me? No. Hoya's frantic phone call was still echoing in my head.

“Did Sungjong call you? Sunggyu-hyung told me you just left. Are you going to his beach house? Are you almost there? How much longer? L, I am worried. He’s not answering my calls. He always answers my calls. He’s been ignoring Woohyun-hyung’s calls also. Please help him. He has been keeping his head just above water for a while but he is sinking. I know it. He isolated himself from all of us to deal with his depression but everything just got worst every year."

The rest of his babbles were drawn out by his sniffles. It’s a rare thing for Hoya-hyung to be like this but sensing that he is near his breakdown, I have a feeling that everything won’t turn out good. By the time I hung up, Dongwoo-hyung was trying to sooth Hoya-hyung while Woohyun-hyung urged me to hurry. Me? The ex-boyfriend who talked to him once a year at best? The one who got dumped, on TV no less, for the world to see? The cold hearted bastard who cared about no one? … Except him.

They said 'time heals everything.' What they forgot to mention was that we all have scars, invisible scars marking us for life, shaping us, influencing our decisions, guiding our choices. They are here for us to carry as a tragic trophy. If ignored, they could silently hurt us and lead us to self-destruction. That was where I was travelling nine years ago until Jongie blocked my destination with his unconditional love for life. When he, himself, started on that road, I was not there. And now… I did not want to think about it now. I just needed to see him, alive.

15 minutes. 15 minutes and a huge burden would lift from my shoulders. My phone rang once more. Sunggyu. No, it was our CEO "Myungsoo-shii, are you there?" Skipping all of his habitual polite chit-chats, I was on the phone with the business man.

"Not yet."

"I contacted a doctor. He is on his way." My mind went on a full panic mode. Our CEO recognized something was wrong and calculated his move to soften the blow: a doctor. Jongie was hurt.

Quenching my fears, I kept my response at a minimum. "Ok."

"He is 20 minutes behind you." Not a chance. I was driving close to 200km/hour or did our CEO also take that into account? I always quietly marveled at his ability to plot and his proactive moves, but he was getting old. He did not foresee Jongie's problems and he was not ready to catch him before he fell. He was reacting.

"Ok."

"Where did you leave Sungyeollie?" It was Sunggyu-hyung. Our CEO has given him back his phone. After giving him Sungyeol's exact location, I hung up and pushed on the accelerator.

5 minutes. 5 minutes and I would get to see Sungjong again. Our picture lodged in between the car seats begged me to go faster, to not let panic paralyze my every thought and action. Grabbing my phone, I made a last attempt at getting in touch with the diva. But, he would not let me rest in peace and refused to answer. I did not have this problem with Sungyeol. The choding always waited for me to accept him. Scrutinizing my every move and analyzing my every word, he hoped that someday I would give in and welcome him into my life. Deep down, he knew there was no room for him as the space had already been taken long ago. This hope, however, was what kept him afloat. What was Sungjong hoping for? What made him get up in the morning? The answers frightened me.

Screeching to a halt, I jumped out of my car and raced to the front door. Locked. Damn it! Circling the house, I saw his patio and climbing the wooden stairs four steps at a time, I barged inside his house without a second thought, screaming on the top of my lungs the name of the diva. The eeriness of the silent house made my skin crawl. After a quick check of all the rooms, I had to face the fact he was not here. In the dark solitude of these four walls, I, Kim Myungsoo, did not know what I needed to do next.

I knew he had to be in the vicinity because his shoes were still in the hallway and his car was parked in the driveway. Walking in the living room, I started looking for a note, anything that could put me on the right track. Then I saw it … The ring I gave to him, hooked to a key chain, haphazardly left behind on the dinner table. An uneasy feeling suddenly overpowered me. Regardless of how Sungjong came to have this ring into his possession again, he had left it behind as his final note to me, planning to join Riku to a better place.

Mirroring my internal turmoil, the wind outside was picking up, battling with the waves furiously crashing down on the beach. I was missing something, making me lose precious time that our maknae did not have. "Where the are you?" I shouted, frustration building up. Then, in one moment of distinct clarity, it finally made sense. Sungjong may have changed these past six years and I may not have understood he had indeed been on a quest to self destruction, but he still remained blissfully obvious on how to achieve his goals. As a twisted honor to the child he thought he carelessly led to his ultimate demise, he wanted to drown.

Backtracking to the patio, I ran on the beach like a wild animal, with a tunnel vision, focused on its prey. Knee high in the freezing water, looking left and right and dodging the brutality of the oncoming waves, I knew it was a lost cause. The darkness was heavy and I was straining to just see five meters away. Doubt clouded my mind and I started questioning my course of action. What if he just went for a walk to cool his head? What if my fears for Sungjongie's life were in reality a projection of my personal needs? Confused, I was trapped by my incertitude. I turned around and landed my eyes on a body lying lifelessly where the waves died and the beach started. "Sung-jong-ie” I murmured in disbelief. My obsession to protect and fix what I consider mine took over and forced me to act.

In no time, I was pulling him away from the water and placed him in the recovery position. I was powerless, again. His pale, cold skin and blue lips terrified me. His bloated abdomen told me he had swallowed a great amount of water. As cool and as collected I could be under the circumstances and with all the control I could muster, I started CPR.

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After Riku's death and Sungjong's departure, I discreetly enrolled in a first aid training class. While the initial motives for my new endeavor were not clear to me at the time, I reasoned that it could come in handy sometime in the future. Deep down, I knew it was a desperate attempt to prove I had done everything I could to revive Riku and to exonerate myself of my guilt. Who would have known that these skills would be put to use once again?

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Last year, I ran into Sungjong at Woollim. Me on my way to our CEO’s office with Sungyeol-hyung. Him on his way to the temporary recording studio we was using while he stays here in Korea. I caught his hesitation entering the elevator when he saw me and my current lover, but true to the mature man he had become, he did not let our history deter him from entering the elevator to avoid potential confrontation. I knew that Sungyeol-hyung was trying to provoke our maknae, as he reached out for my hand and locked it with his own hand.

"Good morning, Myungsoo-shii, Sungyeol-shii."

"Sungjong-shii." Was it the sound of my voice that made him flinch or was it my over polite greeting?

"How have you been?" He deflected my cold demeanor or maybe embraced it, finally realizing his full masochistic potential.

"I have been doing great for five years to be exact." The starching difference of my attitude towards him between the wedding last year and now must have made him tremble. In reality, I had wanted to apologize for the carelessness of my tactless words, but the sadist in me was in control that morning. I’ve sense that Sungyeol-hyung wanted to answer on my behalf but I’ve silenced him by tightening my grip on his hands. Sungjong saw it and I knew, with the look that was directed on our connected hands he received a wrong impression in our actions.

"I see." When we reached his floor, he stepped out of the elevator and turned around to give me a final smile. His expression made my stomach turn as I detected a note of bittersweet victory. Was he waiting for a sign from me that I had finally turned the page on our past relationship and that I had abandoned the hope of us being together?

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Putting my ear close to his heart checking his vital signs, I wanted to connect to something tangible and not let him disappear from our lives. Tears streamed down my cheeks but I would not allow emotions overtake me. Somebody needed to fight for Sungjong. Somebody needed to be strong. "Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me." This mantra was meant to give me strength but with every push on his chest and with every breath I gave him, I was dying a little bit more inside.

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