"Perhaps I should not have learned to adore pleasures that could not last?” 

Intricate patterns of angels, cupids, gods and goddesses carved out of marble decorated the ceiling and walls of the cosy, dark room they were enclosed in. The ancient figures on the walls the only audience of their sensual dance of intimacy. 

The younger breathed into Jongwoon’s slim neck, the neck that was littered with bruises and marks, marks that were not bestowed upon by him onto the older’s soft body. Hidden away in an old motel room, the two pressed close into each other in bed after being apart for weeks.

"Perhaps." Jongwoon murmured in response. His eyes were closed and his face contorted in pleasure. Kyuhyun could never get enough of this image of the man. A soft bite sank into Jongwoon’s collarbone, Kyuhyun’s favourite spot. "But who is to say this would not last?” 

Jongwoon's words struck Kyuhyun. A dark emotion that he had come to be familiar with for the past few months awoke in him again. He pulled away slightly — Kyuhyun’s lips grazing past the smaller man's collar, hot breath warming the tanned skin. How Kyuhyun wished his breath could sear a mark onto the beautiful courtesan in his arms. To mark Jongwoon’s as his. 

"Do not." Kyuhyun found it hard to speak, the emotional turmoil that he had been battling with resurfaced in that moment. "Do not give me hope.”

"Why not?” Jongwoon started mouthing at Kyuhyun’s jaw. Kyuhyun found it hard to think straight. 

"It's cruel.”

"One can dream, can't he? Can't we?”

Dream. Oh, for sure Kyuhyun dreamt. He dreamt about running away, running away with Jongwoon. He dreamt about the death of those filthy men who had laid hands on Jongwoon. Those men who could have him for hours and days. Just because they had the riches and he did not. 

He dreamt about Jongwoon in a beautiful, white satin robe, in bed, waiting for him after he comes home from a hard day of work, his body adorned by the best material that he deserved. His skin would be free of dark marks inflicted by careless, crude men. Kyuhyun dreamt that Jongwoon would say 'yes' — yes to their getaway and they would run off to a small dainty town, ready to start their lives afresh.

But, alas, he can only dream.

Oh, how badly did he want this dream to come true.

"Please." The young singer choked out. It was Jongwoon’s turn to worship Kyuhyun. Just like how he does to those men out there. Kyuhyun thought. But I'm special, aren't I? He has nothing to gain from me. I'm a mere cabaret singer, with no fortunes to squander away. Jongwoon loves me. He does. Does he? Kyuhyun didn't know where to store all his yearning and love for Jongwoon. He had tried and failed so many times, trying to forget the shy, carefree smiles that the older only revealed when they were together. He lost track of the number of times Jongwoon would appear in his mind at the most random times of the day, or in his dreams at night after a long day of singing and performing. 

Jongwoon’s gentle hands came to a halt at the dip of Kyuhyun’s back. "Please what?”

"This is torture, Jongwoon.” Kyuhyun whispered, pained.

"Love is torture.”

Kyuhyun’s breath hitched.

He rasped out, in desperate hope. ”This is love?" Please. 

At this, Jongwoon pulled away from him entirely. No, no, no, no. The empty space in his embrace felt so stark, so cold. 

"What is this, if not love, Kyuhyun?”

"A reprieve for you. A turmoil for me.”

Jongwoon’s face contorted into a display of melancholy and anger.

"You have no idea what I am sacrificing to be with you here, right now, do you?” The older sounded tortured. Kyuhyun wished he could stop the suffering of the older. And he could, if only Jongwoon said ‘yes’. 

"Darling, I wish to know everything about you. But you won't let me in. How can you call this love? Unless you are so cruel to mock my feelings for you?”

Kyuhyun was above Jongwoon, their faces lined up and their breaths intertwining. This was the intimacy he craved, but the intimacy Jongwoon would usually despise. More often than not, right after their lovemaking sessions, Jongwoon would pull away, and revert to his reticent, distant persona that he displayed at the brothel. Kyuhyun’s heart would always ache, mourning the loss of intimacy, the loss of Jongwoon’s soft touches and warmth. 

But he knew. Kyuhyun knew that Jongwoon cared. If Kyuhyun was just another customer, Jongwoon wouldn’t bring little trinkets to gift Kyuhyun whenever he saw something that reminded him of the younger. If Kyuhyun was just another customer, Jongwoon wouldn’t listen to Kyuhyun’s long, frustrated rants about his bully of a boss and the frustrating inflation of the economy. If Kyuhyun was just another customer, Jongwoon wouldn’t kiss and moan so beautifully while gasping Kyuhyun’s name like a fervent prayer. 

"I adore you. I love you, Jongwoon." The words fell out naturally, as if Kyuhyun was born to utter these words of confession and devotion to the other.

"And I, you.”

"No, you do not.”

"You will not decide my feelings for me, Kyuhyun.”

"You really do love me?”

"You're wonderful, how could I not?”

His heart soared. If Jongwoon really loves him, then —

"Run away with me, then?”

Instantly, the gentle warmth that they were basking in, broke. Jongwoon pulled away once again.

“What?”

Kyuhyun’s heart was in his throat. Please, please give me this.

"You know I can’t.”

"Why not? Please. I love you so much." Begging, Kyuhyun was begging.

"I do too. I love you. But, that, I can't give.”

"But, why? Jongwoon, I'm on my knees.”

A moment passed where neither of them said a word.

He knew that he should not have pushed. Jongwoon was the most stubborn and elusive person he ever knew. It was too easy to have him slip out of your grasp.

And in that moment, Kyuhyun knew he should have kept quiet. Jongwoon’s face was void of emotions. The tenderness, the warmth, they were gone. Can you blame a man for wanting to love?

"I'm sorry, Kyuhyun. This was a mistake.”

What?

“What?”

Jongwoon pushed Kyuhyun away and gathered himself up from the bed and started putting on his clothes that were scattered around the room, his expression closed off. Cold, he was so cold. "This was a mistake." He repeated, and it felt like someone was choking Kyuhyun. He could not breathe. His heart pounded.

"Love is not a mistake.”

“It is for me.” 

“Jongwoon, why? Why won’t you let me take care of you?” 

“Love is a luxury, Kyuhyun. I’m a courtesan, a call boy. I can’t love.” 

“You said you love me, Jongwoon.” 

“I know what I —”

“Jongwoon.” Kyuhyun interrupted. “My love. Don’t you realise that you look at me so dearly every time we meet?” 

“You —”

“Don’t you realise that every time we make love, you touch and kiss me with so much tenderness that I feel like I might cry?” 

“Kyuhyun, please —”

“Jongwoon. Hyung, please. I love you so much. It pains me so much to see those ugly bruises tainting your beautiful body. It hurts to see you being escorted into different rooms each night — you would look so broken and tired, that I always had to fight the urge to throw all my life savings at the brothel keeper just to keep you away from them for one night.”

“Kyuhyun, you— you were watching?!” 

“Yes. Because I miss you everyday, Jongwoon. I don’t see you often enough to satiate the yearning I have for you.” 

Jongwoon looked torn. Kyuhyun suppressed the rising hope in him that maybe, just maybe, his words were finally getting to Jongwoon. 

“You don’t understand, Kyuhyun-ah.”

“Then, tell me? Let me in, Jongwoon. Tell me your pains and I’ll chase them away. We can run away, Jongwoon-ah. I don’t have as much money as those men, but I will work hard, I’ll work hard to give you everything you deserve.”

There were a pregnant pause. Please, please, please. 

“I don’t care about your money, Kyuhyun.” 

Finally, Jongwoon shifted closer to Kyuhyun, who was still on his knees, sitting on his heels on the bed. The younger watched Jongwoon with a bated breath. Jongwoon reached up to caress Kyuhyun's cheek gently. 

“I love you too, Kyuhyun. And that’s why, you should forget about me, okay? You shouldn’t be with a e like me, Kyuhyun-ah. You deserve better, so much better. You're so genuine, so hardworking, so talented, and so handsome. I can’t make you happy — I can barely love myself right, how can I possibly give you the love you deserve?” 

God, Kyuhyun had never felt so much pain in his heart until that exact moment. 

“My god, Jongwoon. How silly can you be to think that you don’t make me happy? I feel so alive when I’m with you, hyung. Even if I just have you for an hour, it’s the happiest hour of my day. I love you so much — please, be with me. I will show you how you can love yourself, I will love you so much that you will learn how to love yourself. Let me be selfish, and steal you away from the riches, please?”

“Kyuhyun, I don’t deserve —”

Kyuhyun reeled the older in for a deep kiss. Jongwoon tumbled down onto the bed and the younger flipped them around so that he was propped above the older, their positions reminiscent of their dance of intimacy just minutes ago. Except now, they were melting into each other more, there was more desperation, more love. 

When they parted, Kyuhyun had his eyes closed. He wished he could savour this moment forever. Jongwoon looked at the man above him, and wondered just what did he do to deserve such devotion from the younger. 

“Kyu.” 

Kyuhyun’s heart skipped a beat happily at the pet name. “Hmm?” 

“Let’s run away.” 

Kyuhyun jerked, his eyes shot open. “Jongwoon?” 

“It’s always hard to say ‘no’ to you, Kyuhyun-ah. So let’s run away. I’ll follow you wherever you take me. I'll love you the best I can, I’ll give you my everything, Kyu. Let’s be together.” 

“Hyung…” Kyuhyun breathed out in reverence. 

“Thank you for loving me, Kyuhyun. I’m sorry for causing you pain all this while. We’ll work hard together, and build our home together, yeah?”

Kyuhyun dropped his weight onto Jongwoon entirely, his face nuzzling Jongwoon’s neck. The weight that he didn't know existed lifted from his shoulders. His grip on Jongwoon tightened as he tried to get a hold of himself, lest he start crying there and then. 

“Thank you, hyung. Thank you.” Kyuhyun murmured into the smooth skin, his voice wobbling.

Jongwoon pulled the satin sheets up to cover their joined bodies. They were not going to part anytime soon. 

Not now, not in the future.