Blinking didn’t dispel the daze, nor did it disconnect for most of the conversation.

She hoped they wouldn’t notice. Perhaps they wouldn’t, because the news Yeji had just given them was sudden, unexpected and, for Choi Jisu, painful.

Ryujin and Yuna were dating.

Jisu was sure that Chaeryeong would only be shocked by the newly discovered fact, but Jisu, in addition to being surprised, was hurt.

“Wow,” she said, hoping no one noticed her lack of effusiveness. “It’s not a joke, is it?”

The last sentence was not said out of inertia. It was serious. Very serious. They can’t be dating, she thought. I don’t believe it.

“Let them confirm it for you,” Yeji said.

Ryujin looked Jisu in the eyes, and she wished with all her might that Ryujin didn’t notice anything weird. She did not, for after looking at her she looked at Chaeryeong and bit her lip, a gesture that drew Jisu’s attention to her lips. Lips she would never touch with her own.

They engaged in a conversation that passed in the background for Jisu. She said a couple of things to keep anyone suspicious, trying to sort out her chaotic emotions.

Why do they talk like they mean it? she thought. She kept refusing to believe.

She continued to deny the news even when she saw Ryujin intertwine her hand with Yuna’s. She didn’t deny the faint ache she felt in her chest as she looked at them—it was impossible not to point it out.

Jisu left the room as soon as they finished talking. She didn’t want to go to her room, as there was a chance that Yuna would enter shortly after her, so she decided to go to the rooftop of the building.

Once there, she walked over to the edge of the roof and rested her arms on the railing. A bear-shaped cloud floated in the sky. Quite a detail to notice.

“Now what I do?” Jisu asked the city. The typical bustle of the city answered her.

She bit her lip, hoping it would help her calm down. She would not cry. She would soon be able to go home, away from her companions. It wasn’t because Jisu didn’t appreciate them; Jisu loved her ITZY member friends dearly, but she had grown to love one of them too much. She wanted to spend more time with her, and hope one day to gather the courage to confess to her how she felt. Now it was impossible.

It was impossible because Shin Ryujin already had a partner.

 

~~~

 

How she hadn’t suspected anything before Yeji brought them together was something Jisu wondered. Yuna often went out training with Ryujin in the practice room, and it never crossed Jisu’s mind that it could be because the two of them had something going on.

Or between their hearts. The poetic thought caused her to grimace. Her mind was uncooperative and just went about stirring her emotions over and over again.

Soon after Yeji gave them the news, the five of them met again, this time in the practice room. They had lingered chatting after practicing for the holiday performances.

Chaeryeong wanted to know how Ryujin and Yuna had managed to confess that they liked each other.

“It was the day we recorded the hanbok version of Not Shy,” Ryujin said.

“I ran into Ryujinie in the evening, she told me to go to the rooftop to talk for a while and—”

Shut up, Jisu requested in her mind, restraining a groan. She remembered that Yuna had gone out that day and had come back all smiles. Jisu attributed it to the fact that Yuna had managed to find her favorite dessert in the building’s cafeteria. She hadn’t expected it to be because she had kissed Ryujin for the first time.

Was Yuna privileged to be the first person to feel Ryujin’s lips, how soft they looked? Would they have smiled at each other after kissing?

Jisu was choking on the mortifying questions she was asking herself. She didn’t want to know the answer to any of them and yet she did.

I’m going home soon, she repeated to herself over and over again. At home she hoped she would be able to face things at ease, something that was impossible for her at JYP. The flirtations between Ryujin and her in front of the cameras, a situation that used to make Jisu’s heart flutter, now seemed like torture to her. Seeing Ryujin’s playful smile at her made Jisu want to run away from the place.

Out of everything, Jisu decided that the worst thing was watching Ryujin and Yuna interact in front of the cameras. Now that she knew the truth, Jisu couldn’t unsee the signs. The way Ryujin smiled for Yuna… It was a smile different from the others, a smile that Jisu herself directed at Ryujin many times.

They all fell on deaf ears.

 

~~~

 

Yuna left the facility a few days before her birthday. Jisu was grateful for the loneliness resulting from her departure.

She still loved Yuna. How could she not? She hadn’t done anything wrong, and she adored Jisu. However, Jisu couldn’t stand her presence anymore. It was a constant reminder that Ryujin was set apart for someone else.

Soon I’ll stop being crushed, Jisu told herself.

She had to start thinking like that. Ryujin would leave her head at some point. Jisu would get home, spend as much time as she could with her hobbies, and clear her mind. With any luck, their comeback would be long in coming, and Jisu wouldn’t have to go back to JYP soon, which meant not having to be around Ryujin any longer than necessary. Maybe Ryujin wouldn’t notice anything strange.

“She’ll be too busy making eyes at Yuna,” she mumbled, in a bitter, unintentional way.

She felt a faint tightening in . She slapped her forehead several times to stop the damned urge to cry. She hadn’t cried so far and she wanted to keep it that way.

I could go home today, she thought. Her father said he would come for her after the tenth of December, but Jisu could grab her things and take off for home right now. She would take the subway or a cab. Yes, that’s what she would do.

She got out of bed and gathered what she would take with her. It wasn’t much: her favorite coat, two pairs of shoes, her laptop and little else. She reached for a small suitcase and set it on her bed.

 Her phone screen lit up. Jisu, packing her coat, leaned over to see who the message was from.

 

Yeji JYP

Hi

Could you stay in the building until 10th? Ryujin is leaving on ninth and I thought I could go to your room

Just for that day, then you can go home

 

 

Jisu stifled a plaintive groan and picked up the phone.

“Why did you leave so soon, Chaeryeongie?” she grumbled.

If Chaeryeong was still in the building, Jisu would have alleged to Yeji that she could stay with Chaeryeong. Heck.

It was wrong to leave Yeji alone. Their leader couldn’t go to Jeonju with her family, unlike Jisu. Besides, Jisu’s parents wouldn’t be home until the fourteenth, so Jisu would be just as lonely back home as she was here. But staying… Bah, a couple more days was no big deal.

 

Jisu

 No problem unnie

 I'll stay

Yeji JYP

Perfect <3

 

Jisu smiled at the sight of the heart. Some said that Yeji gave the impression of being cold, but such a statement couldn’t be more wrong.

 

~~~

 

Jisu JYP

What time are you coming unnie?

 

Yeji

At night

I don’t want to bother you too much

Jisu JYP

Juuu, you aren’t a bother

Ryujin is with you?

Yeji

No, went out to the park

Jisu JYP

You can come over now, then

we can have a movie marathon

 

Yeji liked the idea. She could watch movies alone until the evening and then go to Jisu’s, but it wasn’t funny.

 

Yeji

 Okay, I’ll go in ten

Jisu JYP

Hihihi

 

~~~

 

Yeji knocked on the door. Jisu opened it for her, dressed in her pajamas. Yeji raised an eyebrow and got a chuckle in return.

“Come in,” Jisu said, stepping aside.

There were no televisions in the small bedrooms, so they put the movies on Jisu’s laptop. Yeji sat in a chair and Jisu leaned back on her bed. They chatted as the minutes of the movie ticked by.

“No, not again,” Jisu said in a long-suffering tone. “The slow motion effect again.”

Yeji smiled. “How many times in this one?”

“About twenty or something like that,” Jisu replied. “And the previous ones weren’t much better either. Is it the same director? Because they deserve to have their pay cut for abusing a resource like that.”

Yeji laughed. She had done it a lot since she got to the room. Jisu was funny. They should spend more time together. By the time she realized, it was eleven o’clock at night.

“When it got to be eleven o’clock?” Yeji looked frowningly at the time.

“Why, it’s true,” Jisu said, cheerfully. “Well, let’s go on, it’s still early.”

“Yes, sure,” Yeji said. “I wonder what Ryujin is doing?”

“At home, probably doing the same thing we’re doing,” Jisu said.

Yeji vaguely noticed that Jisu’s light tone had grown fainter. She didn’t think anything of it: she was probably concentrating on the movie, just like her.

“I kind of doubt it, because she’s not even at home.”

A moment of silence.

“So where is she?”

“Didn’t I tell you? She’s at Yuna’s house.”

Jisu didn’t answer. Yeji thought she would just leave the subject there, and had already forgotten about it until a few moments later, when Jisu brought her out of her reverie with the movie, “Ah. Of course Yuna would invite her to her house.” A pause. Her tone was unclassifiable. “I should have figured she’d invite Ryujin. Sleepover, I guess.”

“Huh? Yes, that’s right.”

“They seem happy together.”

Yeji frowned at Jisu’s enigmatic tone.

“Yeah, who knew they liked each other,” Yeji remarked. “Sometimes I think about it and it’s strange.”

“Hum… Can I tell you something? It’s about the two of them…”

Yeji turned her head around. The computer light shone just enough for Yeji to see Jisu’s regretful features. Her lips tightened.

“Jisu? What’s wrong?” Yeji got up from her seat quickly and walked over to the bed.

Jisu pinched the bridge of her nose. She looked close to… crying. But what was going on?

“Ah, almost.” Jisu smiled, a listless action. “But I won’t cry.” She hid her face in her hands.

“But what’s wrong, Jisu?” Yeji was alarmed. “Are you in pain? Shall I call the ambulance?”

Yeji sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the phone, ready to dial the emergency number. Jisu shook her head.

“No, it’s just my stupid mind playing tricks on me,” she said in a nasal voice.

“You’re worrying me.”

“I’m so ashamed that you see me like this.” Jisu looked at her hands. “I can’t, unnie,” she said in despair. “It hurts me to think of her. It hurts me to think that she will never love me like I love her.” Jisu dropped her fist on the mattress. “I don’t like it.”

The pieces began to fit together inside Yeji. She will never love me like I love her.

Oh, no.

“This is what you want to talk about,” Yeji guessed. “Which one?” she asked in a low voice.

Jisu scratched her hair, gaze fixed on the ground.

“Ryujin.”

Yeji raised her eyebrows. What? She hadn’t expected that at all. She felt sorry for Jisu. She didn’t know what else to feel. Surprised, she could only manage to say, “Wow.”

Jisu closed