Holding grudges is one skill that Karina is unquestionably good at. Forgiveness is a foreign word, and moving on is an uphill battle.

 

She shouldn't be so impressed with herself for it, she knows that—everybody does, but still. She's a natural .

 

Wrong her once, and you're getting yourself a free lifelong subscription of unsolicited hatred from Karina Yu herself.

 

And as was previously mentioned, she's a natural. She's good at it. She vehemently mastered the art of Band-Aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes, But A Loaded Machine Gone Does , so from an outsider's perspective, it is therefore (beyond) shocking that she's here in this place right now, facing the person who had the nerve to break her heart as if what happened months prior was simply a figment of her imagination.

 

Winter Kim. 

 

Certainly not a figment of her imagination. 

 

Just an ex.

 

Well, actually, Winter is not just an ex—Karina was pretty sure that she was her soulmate (still is , and probably, always will be), because she knows that no matter what happens, Winter is always going to be that person for her. That someone she can lean and hold on to, someone she can talk to, just— someone. Someone to be with.

 

Maybe that's why she's here. 

 

Because Winter is more than a person who maimed her. 

 

Or maybe, it's the fact that for Karina, Winter has always been an exception.

 

She could never hate her. Not even for a second.

 

She doesn't know anymore. 

 

Perhaps, it's just her memories talking. She's holding on to Winter's non-existent thread because they have been through hell together. Because Winter was there when she lost a tooth for the first time and cried when the tooth fairy didn't come, when she went to prom and got suspended when she boozed the drinks, and when she confidently stood behind the podium as she gave out her speech as the valedictorian when they were in college.

 

She was there when Karina had her first real heartbreak. 

 

Their first real heartbreak.

 

And now, she's the reason behind the second.

 

The irony.

 

“How are you?” 

 

“Are you really asking me that?” Karina scoffs, clenching her jaw as she casts Winter a pointed look.

 

If Winter was taken aback by her tone, she didn't show it. “Yeah. I just– I genuinely wanted to know.”

 

Her voice is so small and calm– so comforting and yet harmful enough for Karina to feel like going back to square one. 

 

It makes her so angry . 

 

At Winter, at herself—it's pathetic . Pathetic how it could take her a moment to try and start building up her walls again, guard it with all her pride and shield it from everything that could hurt her, but a gentle brush from Winter, a subtle nudge, a feathery poke— and it'll come crashing back down again.

 

Maybe Winter is her kryptonite. 

 

She used to hate how most people would refer to their significant other in that way, their kryptonite , simply because she finds it cheesy, annoying, absurd– but now it's the only word she knows how to describe Winter.

 

Kryptonite. 

 

The only thing that could hurt Superman. The thing he needs to stay away from the most– only because it could be enough to kill him.

 

“You broke up with me, Winter. For no apparent reason, and now– now you wanna know how I am?” Karina didn't give the other girl a chance to reply before talking once more. “Why did you even ask me to come here?”

 

“Because I wanted to see you.” Winter sighs, as if voicing that out is much harder looking at Karina straight in the eye.

 

Now that's ridiculous. 

 

Karina never doubted every little thing that came out of Winter's mouth, hell, that's why she let her go in the first place. So now… she hates how after all this time, she still trusts her. She hates the fact that she still has enough familiarity with Winter to understand that what she just said is true.

 

Winter texted her in the middle of the night and asked her to come to what used to be their favorite place, merely because she wanted to see Karina.

 

It's so ing stupid and unfair.

 

“See me? What the hell?” 

 

“One last time.”

 

And that statement alone made Karina feel uneasy.

 

She's heard that before.

 

“What?” Karina asks, her heart now starting to beat in a bit quicker pace–afraid of the assumptions that her mind has come up to.

 

She knows that tone. It's the same one Winter had used when they were in this same place, when she had that pale skin, chapped lips, trembling hands, and tired eyes from all the energy that it had drained away from her.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Winter, what is it?”

 

Suddenly, Winter backtracks. “It's nothing. You should go home.”

 

“Now, you want me to leave?” Karina says incredulously. 

 

“I'm sorry, okay? I didn't expect you'd actually come.” Winter retorts, and Karina can see how her frustration is gradually building up.

 

Karina shakes her head indignantly and stares off in the distance, but immediately averts her gaze when she sees a familiar tree, standing tall just a few feet away from the bench where she's currently sitting.

 

This is all so ing stupid.

 

“I'm leaving in three days.” Winter finally blurts out.

 

Karina frowns and turns abruptly to look at Winter. “Three days? Where are you going?”

 

With her shoulders rounded and fingers fidgeting, Winter exhales nervously as she glances at Karina. “Boston. For… for my medication.”

 

“For your medication?” Karina makes no attempt to mask her disbelief. She doesn't give a about hiding it anymore. She just wants to know why Winter is suddenly saying this.

 

Did she hear that right?

 

“Doctor Choi knows this perfect doctor in Boston, and– and they're doing an experimental clinical trial for my case. She advised me to go, and… I agreed.” 

 

Karina just stares at Winter as she speaks, trying to digest what she has heard.

 

“It's—it's back.” And at last, Winter utters those words that Karina has been dreading to hear. 

 

Her heart drops.

 

It's back .

 

It's back.

 

It's back— it just keeps ringing in her ears like a broken record that even the reality that Winter is still her ex– the person she shouldn't be seeing like this in the first place—is simply overshadowed by the possibility of losing her at any moment.

 

.

 

“S-since when?” Karina stammers. Her frustration earlier dissipates and morphs into nothing but fear.

 

Sighing, Winter stops playing with her fingers and looks down on her lap. “We found out two months ago.”

 

“Two months ago… is that why you–” 

 

You broke up with me.

 

So Karina was right. 

 

Winter was hiding something that night.

 

ing hell . Karina wants to scream. She wants to cry, she wants to yell at Winter— she wants to let something out. But she can't. She needs to hold it back because otherwise she won't be able to stop. 

 

Letting it out—crying, or simply breaking down her armor in front of the sole reason why she had to protect her heart from the first place, it's something that she firmly compelled herself to refrain from doing, but goddammit, Winter. Why does she have to love her this much?

 

“It's fine now, alright? I'll be okay. I just really want to— to do this with you one last time.” Winter assures her, her hands hesitating to even graze Karina's. 

 

It hurts .

 

“Are you— is this for real?” Karina stutters, gritting her teeth as she struggles to stop her eyes from watering. Winter nods, and it's only then that it begins to actually dawn on her. “No– you can't. You can't . You were okay! I was there. I was there , Winter. You were fine. You were healthy again for years!”

 

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Karina.” Winter apologizes, probably thinking it's the only thing she can do right now. Apologize.

 

For something that she has no control over.

 

Karina buries her head in her hands, and when Winter continues– lip quivering as she says, “I don't want to go through this again.”

 

And all hell breaks loose. Karina knows that Winter is scared, and a part of her— maybe just her— wants nothing else but to wrap the girl in her arms right now and whisper sweet nothings in her ear in an attempt to ease her worries like she'd always do when they were still together, fighting this exact same thing, but she can't. 

 

Because she's also scared. And if Winter finds out…it's just going to break her. Karina has to be strong—she's always been the strong one between the two of them—even before.

 

It's funny how she went to this place, all angry and frustrated, annoyed at Winter for even thinking about inviting her, and now, now she doesn't know. 

 

She's still angry and frustrated, but for a different reason. 

 

Winter is sick.

 

Again.

 

And the mere thought of going through the same terrifying thing, repeating the same exhausting routine, the same sleepless nights, and the same excruciating fights— it's tiring.  

 

But it's Winter. 

 

Karina is never tired when it comes to Winter—but she's always scared. Scared to hurt her, to break her, to lose her—she's scared. Scared of what she's willing to do for Winter.

 

Because right now, as Winter balances herself up and offers to walk her back home, Karina just impulsively decides to lay her armor down—contrary to what she's been convincing herself just earlier.

 

What's the point anyway? Is it really that worth it to be prideful—when the person you love the most can be taken away at any moment by cancer?

 

Holding grudges is a skill that Karina has always been good at. 

 

But not with Winter.

 

Never with Winter.

 

 

 

 

Three days later, Karina arrives at the airport unannounced, taking everybody (sans Mr. and Mrs. Kim) by surprise— including Winter herself.

 

The night Winter told her everything, before she went to bed, her first thought was to book for the earliest flight to Boston. It was a spontaneous idea, so sudden and impulsive, but Karina was desperate. She has to be there for Winter. She needs to. Luckily, Winter's mother called her soon after to see how she was processing the 'news' (Winter may have already mentioned it with her), and when Karina finally caved into the woman's oh-so-familiar motherly tone and began to sob uncontrollably about her fears—her worries, Mrs Kim offered to book her a ticket herself so she can fly together with Winter.

 

(“My daughter needs you, Karina. I know she'd never say it out loud, but she'd want you to be there. Trust me.”)

 

That's why she's here.

 

“Rina?” 

 

It's Giselle. Winter's best friend. 

 

Karina gives her a tight-lipped smile, “Gi,.”

 

“You're…” Giselle trails off, dumbfounded.

 

“...here.” Winter finishes, and then shoots a puzzled look at her parents. “What— I don't understand—”

 

“Karina is coming with us to Boston.” Mrs. Kim finally speaks up, leaving her daughter by surprise.

 

“She's coming? ” With the way Winter is currently studying Karina, it's perfectly clear that she's still in utter shock. 

 

Which Karina can't really blame her for, considering the place they're in right now. 

 

Exes. 

 

“It's only for a week.” Karina assures the girl. 

 

“Why?” Winter frowns.

 

Karina has yet to explain why when a monotonous female voice booms throughout the airport, signaling that it is time for them to board the plane.

 

During their walk to the plane straight to their respective seats, the two of them kept to themselves. Nobody even bothered to speak—which might have been really uncomfortable if they weren't exes, but they are.  

 

“Win, just call my name if you need anything, okay? Your mom and I are right behind you,” Giselle whispers after Winter and Karina have taken their seats. Mrs. Kim apparently insisted that they sit close to one another for reasons that Karina is really not keen on knowing.

 

“I will. Thank you, Gi.” 

 

Giselle nods, reluctantly smiles at Karina, then she goes to take the space next to Winter's mom just behind them.

 

After that, only Winter's sporadic coughs can be heard between them. 

 

It's basically a reminder of why Karina is boarding this plane in the first place.

 

Winter is sick.

 

Her cancer is back.

 

She's going to Boston for a clinical trial that could either save her or kill her.

 

Winter could die.

 

Winter might—

 

“Karina?” Winter calls her name, voice hoarse. “Hey, it's okay.” 

 

Karina springs up, and is pulled out of her own thoughts. She glances at Winter in ambiguity, unsure of what she is referring to, but then she remembers.

 

She's scared of flying.

 

When it comes to these things, flying, that is, Winter is the only one who truly knows how to distract her. 

 

So she decides to take the opportunity.

 

“Tell me everything.”

 

“Everything?” Winter retracts her hand and blinks at Karina.

 

“Yes. From the moment you found out.”

 

“Karina—”

 

“Please, just… I wanna know.” Karina almost begs. She doesn't care. She wants to know—she needs to. Why did Winter leave her in the dark?

 

And so Winter told her everything . Starting from that night. That she found out a week before she made the decision to end her relationship with Karina, believing that it was the only way she knew to protect her from the pain she may cause because she knows how badly it drained Karina before. How terrifying it was for her, thinking that at any day, at any moment, your lover could be taking their last breath. She didn't want her to go through that again.

 

Winter doesn't want Karina to love in uncertainty.

 

She wants her to love freely. She wants her to be able to fall in love without having Winter's sickness masked as a safety rope to constantly hold her back up.

 

Of course, Karina protested. 

 

You're not holding me back, she argued. 

 

And when Winter sighed in defeat, murmured maybe , she added that the way Karina loved her is just scary. Not for Winter, but for Karina herself.

 

That it's scary because it's unconditional.

 

Unconditional love.

 

The cruelest type of love that a dying person could ever leave for their soulmate to bear.

 

That's when Karina decided to keep mum.

 

Because Winter is right.

 

Karina loves her more than unconditionally. 

 

And when Winter started coughing continuously, stains of blood on her handkerchief, with her mom and Giselle just right behind her, unable to do anything but worry because they know that this is going to be her normal anyway, Karina was finally able to grasp it.

 

Unconditional love is scary.

 

 

 

 

Karina and Giselle remained by the hospital hallways while Winter and her parents headed inside the doctor's office to further discuss the exploratory clinical trial that she will be participating in. 

 

To say that Karina is anxious would be an understatement. It's an experimental trial, after all. Nothing is set in stone yet—and she doesn't want to live in regret if they ever all soon realize that chemo would have been the safer choice instead.

 

“I'm guessing she already told you everything?” Giselle breaks the silence, gaze boring on the strangers walking past them.

 

“Giselle…” Karina sighs.

 

“She's the strongest person we know. She already beat it once, she can do it again. I'm sure of that.”

 

She nods dejectedly and begins playing with her fingers. “It's just— it's the second time. You know how much it broke her the first time. You were there too,”

 

“I know. But we can't do anything about it, can we? We just have to be strong. For her.” Giselle closes her eyes and leans back against the wall, “Again.”

 

Karina was about to reply when a middle-aged man and a wheelchair-bound girl around their age suddenly stopped in front of them.

 

“Uh, excuse me? Is this… Doctor Tiffany Young's office?” the man asks.

 

“Oh. Yes,” answers Karina.

 

The man nods gratefully and goes behind the girl's wheelchair—“Thank you,”

 

“Are you a patient too?” the still unnamed girl questions. 

 

“No, we're just waiting for our friend.” Giselle is the one who answered this time.

 

The girl smiles, almost as bright as her obnoxious neon green shirt. “I see. I'm Ningning, by the way. And this is my dad.” she points at the man behind her, “We're here for the trial as well. Is your friend a test subject too?”

 

“Um…” Karina trails off unsurely. The girl, Ningning, is too chatty and friendly for her liking, so she's still doubtful of how to reply.

 

“Yeah,” again, Giselle is the one who answered. “Mesothelioma.”

 

“Cool!” Ningning's eyes then widened in shock and realization, “I mean— obviously, not cool. I just… I'm sorry, I have no explanation. Saying ‘cool’ is just my initial reaction towards everything, so I tend to… do that . I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to sound insensitive—nevermind. I'm rambling, aren't I? Anyway, mine is pancreatic cancer.”

 

“Yizhuo…” her dad scolds behind her. 

 

“Sorry. Again. Anyway, it's nice seeing you, people! Good luck on your friend's journey.” Ningning salutes before letting herself be led away by her father, on her way to Doctor Young's office.

 

 

 

 

The first week of Winter's medication was hell . 

 

Every time she entered that terrifyingly quiet room where they would conduct the treatment, Winter would usually return worn out and fatigued—occasionally even crying in pain. With each passing time, her body gradually weakens and frail from the drain caused by that trial.

 

So Karina's supposed one week stay becomes two, then soon after—turns three, and eventually, a month.  

 

The only people still with Winter at the hospital are her and Mrs. Kim. Giselle and Mr. Kim had already taken a flight back home to take care of their pastry shop.