Thanatophobia, the fear of death. The tragedy, the loss, the emptiness. A lot of people fear death. Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live. A poet once said.

But I’m already past that. I no longer fear death and not in the sense that I want to live my life to the fullest or I already have, it’s just that.. I. Am. Not. Afraid. To. Die.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die. Yet, at least. There’s just a big difference between not fearing death and wanting to die. I’m just really not afraid of death.

One time, I got really sick and thought, “Okay, if this is the end, then let this be the end.”

I saw a figure shaking its head in the corner of the room I was in, “You don’t fear me, eh?”

I looked at it straight in the eye and said, “No.”

“How can you not fear me?” The shadow walked towards my bed where I had been lying for the past weeks. I contracted the flu and my fever hadn't gone down even after several days.

“Death is not such a bad thing.” I whispered in a hoarse voice.

“Oh, but it’s not yet time for my hands to lay upon you. There’s still a lot ahead of you and you will find yourself fearing me.” That was the last thing I heard before waking up. If I was just having some delirious dream or if it did happen, I am not entirely sure. What I’m sure of, is I'm still not afraid of it even after facing it or dreamed of it or whatever.

The next day, my fever miraculously disappeared and I was back on my feet in no time. I was able to come back to Uni and was able to get back to my part-time job in the admission office.

As the school year ends, we were busy cleaning up the applications of the incoming freshmen. I was collecting the 2x2 pictures that I unstapled from the application forms.

“Hey, Karina.” Giselle called.

“Yeah?” I answered, not looking at my friend because I was busy sorting out the pictures.

 

“Are you ready to meet your soulmate?” She asked mischievously.

That picked my attention. “My what?”

Giselle scattered the pictures and mixed them together. My eyes widened, I just finished sorting those!

“Hey!” I protested.

“And…” Giselle continued mixing then stopped, grabbed one, and showed me a picture, “Here! Here’s your soulmate.”

The other girl handed me the picture. I looked at it and well, that can’t be right.. “It’s a girl.” I said.

Giselle feigned shock, “I never took you as a conformist.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. The girl is bored and yet we still have a lot to do! I was ready to put the pictures back to sort them again when Giselle stopped me, “Keep it.”

“Gi, this feels illegal. What ever happened to privacy?” I asked.

“It’s not like you’ll post it somewhere or something! Just keep it, for luck.” She even winked at me.

I was hesitant, but still did keep it. I checked the back of the photo to see the applicant’s name.

Winter Kim.

What an odd name you have. I know people can name their children after the seasons. I just didn’t expect Winter, more like Summer maybe. I chuckled.

-- 

I might have been cursed. That summer, I couldn’t stop thinking about Winter Kim. What spell did Giselle put on me that I can’t stop looking at the photo?

Pale skin, hazel eyes, puffy cheeks, pink lips. Wow! How can I even gather all those from a small piece of paper? I must be going crazy.

Am I really going to fancy Giselle’s foolishness? The university is quite big, how can I even meet this Winter Kim? And what if Winter Kim is not smart enough to pass the university entrance exam?

So, I tried to get Winter Kim out of my system, stop with the delusions, before I think about looking her up. I tucked the photo in one of my books and hid it together with my other freshmen materials in our attic. I can’t believe I let myself daydream about a complete stranger for weeks. That’s just unhealthy to think and dream about strangers you never even met. I seriously need to get some new hobbies this summer break.

I did try some swimming, biking and other sports. See what happens when you actually go outside to do activities? You don’t get crazy ideas. Well, maybe other people really prefer staying in. It’s not that bad. It depends on our preference, I guess.

Before I know it, the break is almost over and tomorrow will be the first day of classes. What a bummer. I went up to our attic to get the reading materials that might be helpful for a subject that I had to retake. A small piece of paper came flying down as I lifted one of the books.

It was the photo. Winter Kim.

Coming back to haunt me, are you? Well, I am over the delusions and I am sure I’ll never get to meet you.

And then I met her. In my second year, first semester, second class. Philosophy, the class I wasn’t able to pass due to several absences because I was hospitalized last year. The class I needed to retake with freshmen.

I sat at the far back of the room. To be honest, I have no intention in mingling with the freshmen class. There is already an abundance of people to meet in the sophomore class, I have no energy for the other class year. I just really want to pass the subject and remove it from my load.

One thing I hate is introduction. Okay, maybe not hate, but I’m just afraid of being in the spotlight. Now I need to face both by introducing myself in front of the class! I thought I’m past that? I am already in my second year and there’s no need to introduce myself in class. But damn, I forgot this is a freshmen class. I started to feel anxious. I was not ready for this! I haven’t prepared myself for this!

“Hello, I’m Winter Kim.” I heard a familiar name and when I looked up, there she was. Winter Kim from the photo, now in flesh. At first, I didn’t really recognize her. Winter got bangs and her hair is shorter than it was in the photo. I’m not sure if it’s really her.

But what are the odds that there are two Winter Kims that applied in our university the same year? Zero, right?

All of a sudden, I seemed to forget about my dilemma and couldn’t stop looking at the freshman who just got back to her seat. The other students introduced themselves but I couldn’t care less. I was only looking at Winter Kim in awe. Is this really happening?

“Miss at the back, it’s your turn. Please introduce yourself.” I got back from my reverie when I heard the professor calling the miss at the back. I was the only one at the back! Shoot! Suddenly, my anxiety came rushing back, but I had no choice but to go in front and just do it.

Right, Karina, just do it!

“Hi, I’m Karina Yu, sophomore. Pleased to meet you all.” I managed to say without stuttering before bowing.

I shut my eyes tightly. Why did I say I am pleased to meet them when I didn’t even get their names? Why did I bow?? Karina, you helpless child!!

I heard a soft giggle coming from the front. I looked at where it’s coming from and saw that it was coming from Winter Kim.

The university is quite big, how can I even meet this Winter Kim? Now that’s crossed out. It seems that the university is not big enough for me not to meet Winter Kim.

Days passed by and I had to see Winter 3 times a week for that subject. As planned, I continued sitting at the back of the class to avoid interactions. However, Winter Kim seemed to have other plans. She’s been sitting with me at the back for 2 weeks now.

I tried to ignore her but Winter likes to talk. Like literally anything under the sun! I get awkward sometimes because of the soulmate thingy and I don't really respond well to her, but it seems like she doesn’t mind.

Winter Kim might not be smart enough to pass the university entrance exam. Another wrong assumption because apparently, Winter Kim is the smartest person in class.

Everyone wants to pair up with her or be in a group with her because she’s just so good in philosophy! And from what I’ve heard, she also does well on other subjects.

“Hey, Rina! You took Algebra 1 last year, right? Can you help me check my