It was yet another busy morning at Seoul traffic on my way to work. The cars seemed to exceed the permitted speed more and more, with a speed I had never seen before, although it is common that traffic rules were not taken so seriously in the capital. But the problem was not that people seemed more backward than usual, the problem was quite another. The problem was the figure of a boy who was standing in the middle of the pedestrian lane on the main avenue, as if no one could reach him. It was peculiar, to say the least, that all the cars deviated from the place where he was, as if it were impossible to pass through that imaginary barrier.

Every day I took the same bus to work, and every day he was standing there. Just looking ahead, unreachable, as if he were a ghost. In fact, for a long time I came to believe that he was a ghost. Today, I think the dark-haired boy in the denim jacket is just a mere illusion of my head.

While I’m standing watching him from a distance, he’s still standing in the crosswalk. I have an urge to get up and pull him away from there, like any normal person would; but I think that would be crazy. Because I'm not sure if he exists, and I'm also not sure if I wouldn't die trying to find out.

The bus I need to get on finally stops by the bus top and I immediately get up so I don't miss it. I greet the driver, pass the ticket through the machine and choose the back window to sit down. I want to watch the boy in the denim jacket one more time before I follow my destination, so I choose the same window from every day. From here, I can see him looking at me. I know it's weird, but I feel like every day he follows me with his eyes as I leave the avenue. And every day I watch him watching me, in silence, without acting.

When the bus leaves, I can breathe again. I look ahead, finally leaving the boy's image behind. I must focus on what matters to me now, and that is, my destiny to the antiques store where I have been working for almost three years.

My iPod is playing another of Cho Seung-woo's ballads, “As flowers bloom and fall”. One of my favorites since I first heard it. Every time I listened, I felt the same way: melancholy. I'm not sure why, but this song made me feel sad. Which was a tremendous irony, because the song talked about leaving worries and sorrows behind. And that was exactly what I was trying to focus on now.

I felt sad lately, without knowing why. Some friends worried that I might be sick, but I knew it wasn't that. It was something I couldn't explain, because, really? I didn't even understand. I hadn't understood myself for a while and this was bothered me. It felt like my mind was forgetting something that I didn't even know what it was. Maybe it was my own essence, or maybe it was just a feeling of becoming an adult for the first time alone in the world; whatever it was, I was different. And I couldn't say what that difference meant to me.

The time I spent on the bus to the antiques store was not much, but it was enough to make me think about the things that were going on in my life. Being one of them, this strange need to change me. It was not like moving home, or country, it was just a journey that I felt it was calling me out of the comfort zone. I was supposed to act, but I wasn't sure where to start.

On my journey through the city, focused on thoughts, I even forgot to pay attention to my destination. When I found out, the bus was already close to where I was supposed to get off. So I got up, and did the signal to stop, feeling a little disoriented. I somehow knew that I was not supposed to be there at that moment. As if the whole place were the same, but at the same time, everything was completely different. It could be some sort of teasing from me due to the scene of the boy I had seen this morning, but I felt that something was wrong.

I checked the cell phone time, and realized that the clock was stopped. This caused me curiosity. Why would he be stopped? How was it possible? If there was a problem with the battery, then the phone was not supposed to be working either. So what was that? I unlocked the cell phone and it seemed to be working again. It struck me as strange.

The bus stopped, and I got off the stairs, stopping right in front of Mr. Park's antiques store. It wasn't a store with many customers, but I enjoyed working there. What mattered to me, as always, was not the fact that people increased my commission by the amount of sales, but rather to learn more about the history behind those artifacts. I loved to know more about things, because I wanted to become an archaeologist. And for that, it was justifiable that I was in love with antique dealers in the same way that Mr. Park was also. We understood each other very well.

I felt a little melancholy when I headed for the store. When I opened it, I could hear the familiar bell that always rang right on top of me when I passed the door every day. Even today, when the day seemed to have that feeling of the past. As if the timeline was strange and nothing looked new, but it didn't look old either.

It felt strange to be walking in unknown terrain, even though I knew every inch of that block completely. I knew this family store, as all the other stores on the block were. With the difference that this one had a whole world of stories to be told inside at the touch of your fingers.

Working in a place that contained so many old things made me philosophical. Because they were not only memories that people deposited there, but also part of the history of the world itself. Things that have already impacted someone's life, things that people wanted to forget, bury at the bottom of existence and never be found again. Things that one day would be worth so much to someone, or even several people, the moment the antiquity left the store for the possession of someone else.

To write another story, another page should be drawn on the timeline. Again and again and again. Every day. I felt it, I felt that history could bend in time, without explanation, and go around until everything was on the same axis again. And it was precisely because of this mystery of the course of my life that I loved working there. For it seemed that at all times I was holding time with my own hands.

Today, it would seem, it would be no different. For there were several boxes packed in the corner of the door, one on top of the other, on the floor, or leaning against the back surface on the counter.

Mr. Park smiled at me when he saw me enter. He lifted his glasses from the tip of his nose to his eyes again, and came out from behind the counter to greet me. He did this every day, but even though it was already a custom, I was still flattered by his enthusiasm.

“Good morning, Baekhyun. How is today?” He asked, with a deep voice.

I gave him a half smile, because I was amused by his cheerful way of being. He was the kind of contagious person you could count on to improve your day when you saw her, just like your son Chanyeol. I liked them both very much, because I felt exactly like that every time I saw him there, behind the counter, just waiting for the next customer curious about ancient artifacts; or even when I met Chanyeol on the weekends.

“I'm fine, sir. And that you?”

Mr. Park smiled kindly at me, before pointing to the boxes on the floor.

“I'm fine, son. But I need you to do me a favor. These boxes ... they can't stay here. I need you to take them there to the attic before the customers start arriving. These are new pieces that still need evaluation to be put up for sale.”

I glanced at the number of boxes, already feeling my back burn in advance.

“I think... it will take some time for me to load them all.”

“Yes, Yes. Take your time, son. I just need every one of them to be up there.”

I nodded, like the good employee I was. I left my bag on the main counter, and bent down to pick up two boxes at once even though the amount was beyond my capacity to carry alone. They were really heavy. I had no idea what was in there, but I didn't want to ask. Whatever it was, I knew it should be an important piece for the store, so every care would be too little, to take care of an old piece like that.

Slowly and carefully, I went up the stairs, and went to the dump room where most of the antiques that arrived at the store were. There was everything there, like a real Room of Hidden Things. From childish nonsense to artifacts that are worth some money, everything was very easy to find there.

I left the boxes on the dusty floor very carefully, while I sighed and took a breath. I should start exercising better if I was going to continue to work harder this way. The problem was that, with the routine I had and the whole school study, it was very difficult to follow a healthy life. In fact, in the modern world, this was a luxury.

Looking around, I realized that there were a lot of messy things in the room. I didn’t remember why new things still haven’t been organized, since I usually always did the job. That confused me. Walking among the objects, I could see that there were many of them that I had already arranged for last week.

Weird.

I frowned, looking at a rag doll lying on the floor. was sewn with thread, in the shape of a big smile. It could be a smile, but for me it was still pretty bizarre. I took the doll in my hand, noticing the thick dust on top of the cloth. I wrinkled my nose and a sneeze came. And one more. And one more.

“Ah, you're going to kill me with rhinitis!” I said to her, feeling pretty ridiculous afterwards for giving a doll a lecture.

I went to the mirror cabinet to put her in there, since it was usually where we put things that didn't have space to be displayed in the store. The same second I looked at the reflection in the closet, I was amazed. Because the boy in the denim jacket was right there, looking at me from behind the mirror.

“Aah!” I startled.

He opened his eyes wide but said nothing. He just kept looking at me as if it were a mirage, but also very real. I didn't know if it was a trick of my mind, much less did I know if I was going crazy. All I could see is that he was there looking at me as if he knew me.

I ran away from the attic in the same second, my legs shaking as I hurried down the stairs. Mr. Park was already holding a baseball bat in his hand and coming out from behind the counter when he saw me at the bottom of the stairs in despair, probably white as a ghost.

“What happened, son? I heard you screaming from up there.”

I didn't know what to say. What could I say? That I finally saw the boy in the denim jacket somewhere other than the crosswalk? It would be ridiculous. Lunatic. No one would believe me. It was also likely that I would be admitted to the mental hospital like crazy. That, if I really wasn't one.

“I-I ... I saw a rat, sir. That's it.”

Mr Park sighed, laughing slowly.

“Ah, my boy. A poor, harmless rat? Did it scare you that much?” he laughed again, “I see, I see.”

I was feeling ridiculous lying to Mr. Park, even though I knew it was necessary. The lie was something I despised. But I had no choice, and I doubted he would understand if I explained the situation to him. Even though I myself did not understand my situation. Not even a little.

Mr. Park returned to the counter, and ended up serving some customers who had just entered the store. I didn't want to go back up there because I didn't know how to deal with a situation like that. I should go to a hospital, or maybe I just needed food to stop my delusional sighs. Food, yes! Maybe that was it!

I remembered that I have left my bag above the counter, so I waited for Mr. Park to take one of the customers to the back of the store before I touch it. I opened the bag and took out a cereal bar and my Iphone. On the cell phone, I could see again that the schedule was still completely broken.

I went into the device settings, and tried to edit the numbers. But even with the cursor blinking on the screen, I couldn't type. The date was still the same as always: July 15, 2015. My eyes widened, because I knew what that date meant. It was the same day as the Chanyeol band's debut show, the same day that I had been anticipating for months.

I held the cell phone in disbelief. Today was the 12th, so what was going on? Why was the cell phone going ahead alone? How could all these weird things be happening at the same time?

I was about to call Chanyeol and ask him about these things, when for some reason, I received a message notification on Kakao Talk.

 

MESSAGE

Do Kyungsoo: Hey, I had a lot of fun today!

Do Kyungsoo: Thank you for entertaining me at this party, I wouldn't have persisted in staying there if it weren't for you ^^ ~

Do Kyungsoo: Can we see each other tomorrow? In fact… are you okay? Chanyeol told me that you fell drunk at the crosswalk. Haha. Should I worry about that?

 

What the…? I opened the confused application. I didn't remember meeting any Do Kyungsoo. I was about to type “Who are you?”, When the screen suddenly lit up with an answer:

 

Byun Baekhyyn: Forget about Chanyeol, for God's sake ㅠㅠ

Byun Baekhyun: Of course, we can see each other tomorrow! I'll be waiting for you!

 

And then nothing more.

The answers were at a different time, twelve hours ahead of the time it really was at that time, besides the day being scheduled for July 15th. My stomach suddenly turned over, and I wanted to throw up.

I ran to the staff bathroom, which was in a room behind the counter, which Mr. Park called an office. It was basically a paperwork room, but it also had a small bathroom for emergencies. That is for a moment like now.

I opened the door and ran to the toilet, and poured a good part of my breakfast on the toilet. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I flushed and walked over to the sink, washing my mouth and face as if it were possible to wake up from that nightmare.

I should be dreaming, or delirious; it was the only explanation. Did I get in such a bad state as to hallucinate distortions of reality? Was it the problem that was me? It felt like I wasn't living in the real world at all times. I was afraid that I was developing some kind of mental illness, because it was the only possible explanation for the events surrounding me.

I closed my eyes and tried to mentalize myself in the moment again to see if anything could change. But when I opened them, I realized that it was just me there. It was the same view, the same bathroom as the antiques store, and my own eyes staring back at me.

The whole thing was already making me scared, but nothing seemed to really help me. Everything I did, everything that appeared to me — from my cell phone, my delusions, and, above all, this feeling of lack that I did not understand — everything seemed in some way to be interconnected. I just couldn't understand where, in fact, these facts were intertwined.

I sighed and held my breath, while still staring at the mirror. If I mentalized enough, maybe I could block out all the sound of the place and focus on myself. Perhaps so, despair would not take over my senses. Or maybe that way I could find some explanation within me for what was going on.

My pressure gradually eased, along with my heartbeat. I counted to ten in a decreasing manner, and by the time I got to number one, I was able to breathe normally.

I realized that I was still holding the cereal bar, and I ended up eating a piece. Which was useless, because the taste was horrible. I ended up throwing it in the trash, and I rinsed my mouth with the sink water again.

This time I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket, and I picked it up again, realizing that there was a message from Chanyeol, this time, on the 12th of July, which I knew to be today. I opened the app as soon as possible to see what it was saying:

 

MESSAGE

 

Park Chanyeol: Hey Baek, can you come with me to choose an outfit for Saturday's show?

Park Chanyeol: Sehun and the other guys are going to wear anything, but I want something cool to wear. You know me, I have good taste ;)

 

 

I was looking at the phone without knowing what to answer. What if that was a virus? If it was a simulation? I was so afraid to do anything in this reality that I knew it was false, that I decided to take actions that I rarely did. I decided to call him. It only took a few seconds for him to actually answer me.

 

“Hey man...” he said by the other side, in a clear voice of surprise “Um ... I'm sorry if I made you worry, you didn't need to call.”

“Chanyeol, I need you to answer a serious question. I need you to be honest with me, and don't judge the things that I'm going to ask you.”

“OK…?” he coughed, stammering a little “Aah… Baek, I really didn't want to disturb you, man.”

“Who's Do Kyungsoo?”

“W-what?”

He looked pretty confused on the other end of the phone. But I wanted to make that story clear, I needed to know what was happening to me.

“Do Kyungsoo. Who is Do Kyungsoo?”

“I never heard that name in my life.”

His words, as much as they were expected, shocked me. The problem was me, then. It was really me who was going crazy not the world around me.

“Chanyeol, listen ... someone called Do Kyungsoo texted me as if he knew you. Are you sure you don't know this guy?”

“Baek, you know who my friends are. I only have you, Sehun, Jongin and Minseok. You and the guys in the band, and that's it.”

As soon as he said those words, it was like a breath of air got stuck in my lung. He was telling the truth, although it was very different from mine. I should be stuck in this situation, alone, while the rest of the world continued to function normally. The problem was me. I was the equation outside the curve.

“I am feeling weird today, it seems that I am living a very bad dream. I'm sorry for worrying you about…” It wouldn't do to explain to him what was happening to me, so I decided to continue “Listen, what time do you want to see it for the clothes? I leave your father's store around 6 pm.”

“Ah cool! 6 pm is great! I think we can have a pizza before, since you’ll be hungry!”

I laughed, because it was true.

“Okay, so I see you...”

I couldn't even finish talking to him, because my eyes suddenly locked with the image forming in the mirror. It was him again, he was there. Looking at me intensely with those big brown eyes as if he could see part of my soul.

“Baekhyun…? Are you there?”

I could hear Chanyeol's voice calling me over the phone, but nothing held my attention more than he finally appearing to me. The mirror was wide, and it took up much of the wall. It seemed that we were looking at each other this time, and that the mirror was the only barrier. He came over, and I did the same. The boy in the denim jacket had very black hair, but straight and well cut. He was well dressed, as if he had left a private office in the city center. He breathed as anxiously as I did, but unlike me, he didn't look scared. He seemed to know what was going on.

He raised his left hand, showing his little finger to me. He was showing it, because he also wanted me to do the same. And when I finally did, in the same second, the world seemed to collapse. The lights of the bathroom started to blink and exploded, the floor was shaking and the mirrors suddenly break all at once.

All I could see was him. All the forces in the world seemed to come from him, or make me go to him. But I couldn't. I couldn't take a step beyond the mirror that separated us. It was as if all that feeling of strangeness, incongruity and pain, was now explaining to me that they existed in my heart because of him. It was he who made me feel all that.

The phone fell out of my hand when I started to cry. I didn't understand why I was feeling all that intensity. He was still looking at me, and we both had little fingers parallel to each other, followed by a red thread. The boy was crying too, as if he couldn't bear to be there on the other side of the mirror. Unreachable.

I also couldn't stand it, even though I didn't know the reasons for it. I just felt that he was the one I needed. But he seemed to be walking away, getting farther and farther away, taking steps backwards towards the bathroom door in the other side of the mirror. With every step he took, I felt the need to take one step forward. And when he finally left my sight, something broke inside me.

All the feelings came as fragments of memories, but they were not there to be saved. I felt love, anger, desire, lack, pain, grief. I felt everything I never felt in my life. My heart was about to explode, like a star, when it is about to lose its own light.

I closed my eyes wishing it would all stop. Wishing that the lack of him would leave me, that the despair of the pain could not reach me so deeply. May the waves not take from me everything that looked good, that seemed to be genuinely mine. But it was in vain. When I closed my eyes, I could only see the darkness, feeling my tears overflow from me.

The world seemed to go round, but I was standing in the same place. I still had my eyes closed and my whole body was bending over me, on the floor, on my knees. I cried because I felt lost. I felt myself losing something that I didn't remember what it was. Not even the taste, the texture, the sounds, none of that was possible to remember in the back of my mind.

It only took a few seconds of silence for me to compose myself. Gradually, I felt myself again, and I opened my eyes hesitantly. The scene had magically changed, and the entire bathroom at the antiques store was gone. Now, I was kneeling in the middle of the wooden floor of my room in the half light of my orange lamp.

I looked around, and I could see everything with familiarity: I had the wooden wardrobe in the left corner, the mirror right on top of the study table, and my entire manga collection was there too. On the wall, however, I could see some square marks, which I suspected were posters that were removed from there.

I approached the table strangely. I was sure that some things were missing, be it the posters that disappeared from the wall, or even some pictures from the bulletin board. It looked like there was too much space that was waiting to be filled again. Or maybe, it all fragmented for good. Every part of that little corner that had always been so special to me, now seemed completely strange. I didn't recognize my own heart anymore.

The radio was on, Cho Choung Woo's song, As Flowers Bloom And Fall playing again. It was familiar, but painful. I didn't feel like dancing when I heard it. In fact, it seemed that that song took a good part of what I still had in me.

I tried to look for my cell phone again, and I felt it vibrate inside my pocket. I didn't have to unlock it to be able to see who was texting me, I could clearly see the name shining in the notification. Which, by no means, made me more calm about that situation.

 

MESSAGE:

Do Kyungsoo: Chanyeol told me that tomorrow you can't go to the band's rehearsal. I'm sorry, Baek. I didn't know that his parents would complain about the picnic.

Do Kyungsoo: I swear I took that wine with good intentions... you know, to relax. But you are weak with alcohol, huh? Haha.

Do Kyungsoo: It's even a little cute;)

 

Picnic? I didn't remember a picnic.

I checked the date of the messages and saw that they were on the 19th of July, four days after the Chanyeol band's concert. Which meant, that somehow, Do Kyungsoo was involved in this story. I didn't know who he was, let alone how he was texting me from the future, as my cell phone still said it was day….

17th.

July 17th.

My heart sped up, and the world seemed to want to spin again. July 17th. God, what was going on? Was Chanyeol's show over yet? Was I stuck somewhere, or was this a dream?

I ran to my computer, opening the laptop in a hurry. I typed in the password that I remembered to be a weird combination of numbers: 120193. And as soon as I typed it in, I stopped in the same second, and pulled out a post-it from my school supplies to write the number there.

12 01 93

The number was familiar to me. It felt more like a birthday, something I never used as a password, because everyone knew how ridiculous it was to guess birthday passwords. And this clearly seemed to be someone's birthday. Someone I didn't remember, or rather, didn't yet know.

With shaking hands, I crumpled up that post-it note and opened the search window on the computer. Researching realistic dreams, I didn't get any results I wanted. The internet was talking about comatose patients, astral projection, and, going to the scientific side, the state of REM.

That one caught my attention, and I ended up clicking on an article that explained everything about the phases of sleep.

“Tsc ... you won't find anything there, Baek.”

I jumped on the chair when I heard a voice behind me. I turned to face him, the dark-haired boy in the denim jacket. He was looking at me intently, while he was sitting on my bed with his hands in his pocket.

I wanted to scream in fear, but that was not the first rational reaction my body had. The reaction I had was to walk over to him, and breathe really fast. He looked back at me with a smirk as if he already knew everything I should have known, at that time.

“You are very determined. You really intend to go to the end of this process” he gave a sad smile “It’s not like I didn’t expected. You were always like that.”

“What ... who are you?”

He shrugged, walking around my room as if he already knew every point of that place. He smiled when he saw the radio, and the music he was playing.

“I thought you hated Korean ballads” he smiled wide at me, amused.

I looked at the red radio playing the song on repeat. I didn't remember not liking that song. In fact, I remember that I spent hours studying and listening to it for many days when I went to take the entrance exam for college. I did that because most of the time it calmed me to think about this song. I just didn't know why.

“I don't hate Korean ballads. I just…”

“I just hadn't found the right one before, and this one is incredible!” the boy said, completing my thoughts.

I was speechless, because he got it right. It was exactly what I was going to say.

“How did you know I was about to say this?”

“Because is what you told me when I first introduced you to this song.”

He was serious. I realized this because the expression on his face was one of pain, as if he had also felt everything I had just been through.

“Who are you?”

He shook his head.

“I can not say. This can complicate things even more” he moved around my room, letting his gaze pass directly over the wall without posters.

He stared there, arms crossed. He analyzed all the other areas that I had just checked: the missing photos, some papers that had been torn from the bulletin board, and even the post-it notes that I had left crumpled on the floor. He bent down, picking up the neon pink paper the second he saw it, and smirked when he read the numbers. 12 01 93. he had some lonely tears in his eyes when he crumpled the paper again himself, stuffing it in his jeans jacket pocket.

He looked at me, and I could see his feelings overflowing as if they were too much to be contained within himself. I didn't know what to feel there, looking at those brown eyes. Part of me felt something about his presence, as strong as a supernova, as hot as a summer afternoon, but as cold as Mount Everest. Confused feelings made me hesitate in that situation, and confused me.

He looked at me as if he had lost the war to death.

“I have a million things I could say now, because I don't know when I'll see you again until all this is over” he started to speak, but swallowed hard as if he was fighting not to cry, “But I won't say it, because you have to make up your mind about us.”

“Us?”

“Don't be late, Baekhyun. Time is running out, and things can get more complicated than they already are.”

“What are you talking about?” I said, by the same second that he disappeared again.

Right before my eyes: he just disappeared. I was shocked, not knowing how to react. It didn't seem like a dream, but it wasn't real either. So what could it be?

I couldn't find the answer.

 

君の名は。

 

I left home soon after scheduling a date with Chanyeol at the pizzeria that was downtown. He agreed right away, since it was a lunch break — and Chanyeol was also a bit of a pizza junkie, which made all his efforts to get out of the house a little easier. So it wasn't hard to convince him to go there, whatever the time is was. It wasn't that hard either, because after everything that happened, I urgently needed someone to talk to.

When I arrived at Pizza Place, the place was almost empty. There weren't many people and the tables were all clean, as if no one had used them yet. I was soon seated at a table near the window that was at the very back of the restaurant, by the left side. The table was slightly more vandalized than all the others, but that table over there was my favorite among them all. I couldn't say why. Maybe because the view from the window looked directly onto the street, and you could see people passing by like a movie.

I remember years ago writing my name there on the old wood. I searched around the table and smiled when I realized it was still there. Byun Baekhyun. It was my name, in my own handwriting. The weird thing was, it wasn't alone. Just to the side, there was a blur, as if the wood had been torn off, spaced exactly three blocks of Korean syllables.

I touched it with my fingers like I was seeing it for the first time. I don't remember writing anything other than my name there, much less other people having done the same. Tables were easily vandalized, yes, that was a fact. But they usually respected spaces and names, and nothing went beyond the boundaries of the name itself. So I was surprised to see the name torn off. It made me curious to know what was actually written there.

“Baek?”

I startled when I looked up and saw Chanyeol standing there. He was wearing a perfect winter look, even though it wasn't cold. He had the gray bonnet on his head that someone had given him last Christmas; he had the same oversized sweatshirt that covered most of his body, in addition to the ripped jeans. He looked like the same Chanyeol he always did, with only more tired bags under his eyes.

“Hi,” I said, uselessly disguising my own mental fatigue.

“I came as fast as I could. Are you okay? It made me worried.”

Suddenly looking at him felt like torture, so I just looked away. How could I begin to explain what was happening to me? I felt like there was a part of me that was dying. I felt it with every step I took, with every breath. Every time I tried to hold into what was left of my own story, it seemed to run away from me. Whatever it was, was ruining who I was, becoming someone I didn't recognize, not even when I looked in the mirror.

In fact, I've come to avoid looking in mirrors. Looking at them was dangerous, because I never knew what I might find on the other side. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and that's what I heard during most of my childhood. But when I looked into the mirrors, I noticed there was another window there too. Maybe one that I didn't really understand what it was, but that every time I showed his reflection there.

With all of this going around in my head, I tried to pull myself together. But tears were inevitable. Partly because I felt lost, and partly because Chanyeol might not have been the best person to help me right now. I would have to accept the possibility that maybe I wouldn't have anyone's help to get out of this situation, because that mission was mine alone.

“Baek… talk to me man, you're scaring me.”

“Chanyeol… what would you do if you felt the world was about to end?”

Chanyeol eyed me suspiciously. He looked nervous, like he had a bad feeling.

“Listen, man. I don't know what's going through your head, but we can sort anything out, huh? Do not freak out.”

He hadn't understood. And maybe it wasn't even good for me to explain.

“There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong I can't see.”

“What you mean?”

I looked at him, trying to push away my stormy thoughts. They wouldn't help my investigation. I needed answers.

“Good afternoon, gentlemen, are you going to order?” A waiter interrupted us in the middle of our conversation.

I looked at him, a little lost. I didn't want to order it because I wasn't sure which pizza they served there.

“I want a pepperoni and a garlic, please," Chanyeol said without hesitation.

The waiter looked at me, as if to hurry, but at the same moment, he smiled wide.

“Oh, you around here.”

I stared at him without understanding.

“Do I know you?”

The waiter frowned.

"Hey, weren't you the one who came here with that chipmunk boy? You almost ran out of my stash of pineapple pizza! For God!”

Chanyeol smiled, amused.

“Baekhyun? He barely leaves the house.” he commented, as if it were obvious.

The boy denied it, determined to prove he wasn't lying.

“No. He came here with a talkative boy. They ran out of my stash of pineapple, and then they did it right there on my table.” The waiter pointed to the crossed-out names, and when he saw one of the names was gone, he frowned. “Ah… how weird. I'm sure I saw his name written there days ago.”

Days ago. Days ago, was he counting dates? It was time for Baekhyun to ask questions!

“How many days? If you allows me to ask.”

“Uh…I just got back from vacation. Which means… maybe the 17th of July.”

July 17th.

July 17th, that date again. I picked up his own things, and immediately left the restaurant. I could hear Chanyeol shouting my name in the background, but he didn't even turn to speak to his friend. When I stopped outside the street, I started looking. He should have been there, he was feeling that he was.

“Come on… where are you?" I muttered, already feeling pretty crazy to be there doing it.

But it wasn't while looking at the damn crosswalk that I found him. With the same denim jacket, the same neatly cut hair, and the same scared look. The cars seemed to go by at full speed, but none ever hit him. Just as I always saw him every day, before I went to work, there he was again: invincible among the cars that passed him as if there were no astral boundaries.

I felt goosebumps on my arms as their eyes locked with mine. I felt my body catch fire and freeze at the same time. I felt as if time didn't exist, as if I had an obligation not to let it slip out of my sight. But I didn't do any of that.

“Baekhyun!” Chanyeol yelled, pulling at my wrist, which made me lose eye contact.

I looked at Chanyeol, and realized he was nervous. I had never seen him act like that before, but I couldn't blame him. I was actually acting weird.

“What are you doing? Can you explain it to me?”

“What day did you perform? The day of your show?”

He looked at me with tiredness.

“July 15th. It was the 15th of July, Baek. Dammit, you were there! You know it!”

"And what happened two days later?"

“Well, we're still on it right.”

I stared at him.

“I'm not sure about that.”

“What?” Chanyeol yelled, getting elated. "Dude, stop it! You're driving me crazy.”

“Listen, there's all these messages on my phone that are from someone I don't know. It's called Do Kyungsoo. Some are from the 15th of July, the day of your concert. Others are from today, and also from the 19th. And…” I was about to show Do Kyungsoo's chat, when at the same moment, another message arrived.

 

MESSAGE

 

Do Kyungsoo: Dammit, how you eat!

Do Kyungsoo: Next time, I'll try to order some more pineapples to go. But don't tell me you didn't like my flavor innovation, huh? ;)

Do Kyungsoo: I saw your face well on the first bite hahaha

Do Kyungsoo: You are a figure, Baek.

 

Chanyeol stared at my phone, frowning. He looked just as confused as me.

"Is this… from now?"

“Yes, I believe so.”

“Who is this guy?”

“That's the Chanyeol problem.” I looked at the cell phone screen, noticing now some messages of ‘mine’. “I have no idea.”

 

MESSAGE

 

Byun Baekhyun: Unfortunately I have to admit that pineapple pizza isn't as bad as I remembered.

Byun Baekhyun: Maybe it's because I didn't have you to show me this before, Do.

Byun Baekhyun: Eating pizza without you.

 

君の名は。

 

It was about 8 pm when I got back to the house after my shift at the antique shop was over. Chanyeol had insisted that we eat something for dinner, but I was completely not hungry. So when Mr. Park told me I could leave, I did.

I was waiting for the bus at that moment, looking in vain for the image of the dark boy in the denim jacket in the streets, on crosswalks, and in any kind of mirror or glass that reflected my image. But I didn't find it. Not even on my phone, not even in the bathroom at the antique shop he'd shown up to earlier.

The thing was, I really wanted to know who he was. I already knew that this connection wasn't trivial and that it had a meaning I didn't understand, much less seem to remember. I wandered through life, missing something like forgetting a favorite coat at a party and no longer remembering the address. I knew my coat existed, I just didn't know where exactly it was. And that ended me.

When I noticed the bus stopping near the stop I was at, it started to rain slowly. It was a light rain, the kind that wet your face like a gentle touch. I made my way into the car, and when I went to swipe the card, that's when I saw it. My heart sank, and my eyes didn't seem to know how to look elsewhere. He was there, sitting on the penultimate seat of the bus, looking directly at me.

My body locked up, and I couldn't move. Their dark hazel eyes were the only thing I could see in the silver bus corridor. It was as if the tunnel was naturally calling me to go to it, blinding everything around it, carrying all the light in the room just for him.

I walked slowly to where the boy was. In his presence, I didn't feel the rush of the clock running out of time. It was always as if time decided to stop, and make room just for the two of us. As if every second went backwards while we were together.

He smiled at me when I sat down next to him. He had a cigarette in his fingers, and he took a drag right in front of me as the bus started up again.

“You smoke?” I asked, finding it weird that smoking was allowed on the bus.

He chuckled at me softly, sarcastically, as if it were obvious. He was there beside me, smoking in a forbidden place, and yet I was the one who felt silly asking questions.

“You know, Baek. I am more and more surprised by you.”

I squinted, confused. What was he talking about?

He took a white headphone out of his pocket, and offered me the left side. I thought a little before accepting, because that situation was rather unusual. Part of me felt so comfortable doing this with him, like we'd already done it over and over and over again. I realized that maybe this was something we should do together, for some reason I didn't remember.

“Press play.” he said, glaring at me as he puffed on his cigarette smoke.

I hit play, and I wasn't surprised when As Flowers Bloom and Fall started playing. I stared at him, not understanding what that meant. He kept looking at me, and smoking. That damn cigarette, which I didn't understand why it irritated me so much.

“You're going to die, you know? If you keep smoking like that.”

He smiled wide, inhaling once more.

“Like what?” he said, before erasing the remaining metal edge of the seat in front of us.

I was bothered by that.

“What are we doing here?” I finally asked, trying to get him to talk.

It was important that he speak, because I knew that part of him knew a lot more than I did. And if so, now was the time for him to start talking.

“We do not have much time.” he said, taking something out of his backpack.

Only later did I realize it was a pizza. No, the pizza. He was biting into the pineapple pizza, the same one at the restaurant I went to with Chanyeol earlier. At that point, I just gave up on understanding. I just stared at his profile, chewing the pizza with all the calm in the world as I watched the sun set over the horizon through the bus window.

"Time for what?" I asked, not understanding.

He shrugged, not caring.

“You always hated my cigarettes, but you said this was my special taste.” He started to speak, and then looked at me, sharp in his words. "Maybe that's why we didn't work out. What do you think?”

“You don't make any sense.”

He smiled, shrugging.

“You also do not. Maybe that's where we complete each other.” The boy pointed out the window, and I could see that the trip was already somewhere far from the city. “We're walking, huh?”

“But where…? I was supposed to be going home now!” I protested.

The boy smiled, and bit into his pizza again. He didn't care a bit about my issues. It seemed like he really just wanted to talk about things I didn't understand. I even wondered if this was all a big nightmare, or if there was anything real there.

“Is this here… real?”

“Yes, of course it's real.” He looked at me. "But only in your head."

I was silent, trying to understand what that meant. If it was real in my head, it meant it was a dream. Or maybe… something like that. Would I be dreaming while he invaded my head? If so, then why?

“Why are you here?”

“You're the one who should know, not me.” He shrugged, biting into the last bite of his pineapple pizza. “Maybe I'm here because you don't want me to go. Not really.”

“I do not understand.”

“It doesn't surprise me. Your mind was always a little complicated”, he wiped his hands with a cloth he took from the pockets of his jean jacket. He undressed too, leaving only the brown and white plaid shirt he wore underneath. “You'll have to decide, Baekhyun. You can't keep a bond with me if you're trying to tear me away from you.”

Those words shocked me. He was talking, for the first time, about something I didn't know. The music, I ended up realizing, was on repeat on the headphones. It felt like a combo of memories was struggling to stay inside me at that moment. Memories about moments like that on the bus, about the smell of the cigarettes he smoked, and the way he ate his pizza by his exact right thumb. All those details were not strange to me, but they were not common to me either. It was a gray memory. I didn't know if I had made it up, or if I was there, experiencing those moments in the now.

“I feel like my head is going to explode.” I confessed.                

He stared at me, saying nothing. The music played in the background like a distant but constant melody. The bus moved farther and farther away from the city, and the view from the window was changing to a somewhat rural area. I felt a feeling of calm hover in my heart at that moment, as if someone were holding it with their hands.

The boy next to me looked at me again with his deep eyes. He smirked, shaking it with a disbelieving nod. He pointed to the window, biting his upper lip before speaking:

"I didn't expect you to take us here."

I was confused by his words because I didn't know what that place was. Looking out the window, I could see it looked like something seaside. Which didn't make much sense, since the beach was closed that season. So I didn't even know how the bus was allowed to go around there.

“Why are we here?” I asked, trying to understand.

The boy shrugged, as if he didn't know either.

“I honestly thought you'd already erased that part too.”

“What?”

He pointed to the window in the direction of a yellow house, somewhat hidden by the trees. The bus stopped right in front of her, as if that was the very last stop — but I knew it wasn't.

We were both still sitting on the seat of the bus as if no one wanted to finish that moment. He wasn't looking at me at that moment, and even I couldn't face anything that wasn't that yellow house with its orange windows and full of trees in the backyard. It was like looking at a painting of those you always dreamed of seeing in the gallery, but that suddenly didn't look anything like you imagined in real life.

If that really was real.

"That was one of the best times in my life," he said, whispering without looking at me.

I didn't say anything, because the words would be trite at that point. The feeling was unique, and perhaps it had to do with parting. For at the same time as I seemed to be revisiting lost parts of myself, I also felt myself holding onto all of them. Like a paradox, from all that was left of me. And part of that paradox had to do with him.

“What happened here?” I asked, feeling a strange kind of nostalgia wash over me as I looked at the house.

The music was still playing on the headphones we shared, but it was getting farther and farther from being heard. When the boy finally looked at me, with the red eyes of someone holding his heart in his chest, he looked like he was about to burst into tears. He was so sad that I myself could feel sad just by looking at him like that.

Maybe we were both going to explode at any moment. Maybe that's why he took me there, so we could somehow meet again. Maybe he wanted to make sure I didn't linger on that endless search for something I didn't know.

“B-baek…” He let a few tears fall. They had the weight of a thousand broken loves, I could feel them.

"What happened to us?" I questioned him, already imagining that this was what this was about.

He nodded, refusing to say.

“I d-need to ask you something.”

I waited, even though I felt sad about it. In reality, sadness wasn't even close to what I was feeling. I believed that this was bigger, bigger than all the weird things that were happening. Because it was about us. I knew now that somehow this was all about us.

"You can ask me anything you want." I assured him.

He hesitated. He twisted his fingers in his lap, nervousness corrupting his own senses. I could see how the situation affected him. But I couldn't reach him. I couldn't comfort him, or tell him that everything would be okay. Because the truth was, I had no idea how this was all going to end.

I could no longer hear anything other than the sound of his deep whispered voice when he said:

"What part of me did you keep in there?"

The look in his eyes told me that question was important. More important than anything he'd ever told me, since I first saw him, standing at the crosswalk. But unfortunately, I already knew what my answer was.

"None," I replied truthfully. "I don't remember you."

He just stared at me, letting the tears fall. I looked at him, feeling part of my hand tingle. I was finding the feeling weird, but when I looked down, I noticed the red thread there again. It was different from last time. The cord appeared to be a little more faded, and glowing like a television hologram. I was confused, and with a sinking heart. I didn't want this to happen, but there was nothing I could do.

“You…” I said, shifting my gaze to him. “What's your name?

He locked his brown eyes with mine, and moved his hand up to my heart. He laid it on top of my work uniform, and drew the letters with his fingertips. I felt Do being drawn slowly, while my heart also beat faster. Then his fingers made the sign of Kyung, and lastly, Soo.

Do Kyungsoo. That was his name. It was what I had been looking for all this time, what was missing inside me, and what was also fragmenting as the clock ticked.

Looking at me again, he took my hands. Their hands, cold against the warmth of mine, couldn't seem to hold me back. The touch wasn't real, it wasn't that big. I was scared when I realized this. Very scared. Was he there or not? Where was he from?

“Please,” he begged desperately. “Please, please don't forget about me. Don't forget me, Baek.

“I do not want. Remind me, Kyungsoo. Remind me of you.”

He denied it with a nod.

“We made a bad decision, Baek. I regret. I regret it so much that…” he cried, taking his own pains in the loneliness I couldn't reach. “Forgive me. Forgive me for doing this to us. II… I swear I didn't. I'm really sorry.

“Kyungsoo…”

“You won't remember me when you wake up,” he said, looking at me as if I'd lost a war. “You won't remember me even if I try to leave my fragments in you.

“Why?”

“Because that's how we asked.” He sighed, still holding his hand in mine. “I don't know how many of us you still have to erase. But I will try to be in all of them. I will fight for us, Baek. Somehow, if I find a loophole, I'll remind us when we wake up.

"What if it doesn't work out?"

He shook his head, as if he didn't even want to think about that possibility. I, on the other hand, no longer felt it would be so easy. My mind struggled with the idea of losing his fragments, even though, apparently, I was the one who had chosen it that way. I just didn't know why.

“If you still want to give me a chance, Baek. If you still think you can forgive me... then we can still meet.”

“Where?”

“Let the thread guide you, and I promise you will find me.”

I looked at the thread again, already losing the vividness of the red color. I knew by legend, no force in the universe could break it. Be it the weather, the conditions, the distance or the bitterness; nothing could make the cold break when two souls were intertwined. So maybe that would work for us too.

But when my gaze returned to Kyungsoo again, he was gone. He left behind only the headset, which still played the same song he'd shared with me all the way. If that had any meaning, I didn't remember. And for not remembering, it made everything more painful.

I decided to move, and walked from the bank to the bus door, which opened immediately. I took a deep breath before walking down the metal stairs and touching the concrete floor with my shoes. The weather had instantly changed to summer, with hot sun and a breeze that felt warm on the skin.

That made me smile, because I felt the familiarity of the place. The problem was, I didn't really remember what it all had to do with Do Kyungsoo. I didn't even remember his name, or when he'd met us, or if he was someone more important.

All I had from Do Kyungsoo was fragmented memories, mixed feelings, and a summer house. And that should be enough to make me find him again.

I took a step toward the house, determined to get on with this story. Once again, I felt a tingle in my pinky, and I didn't need to check to see if the wire was there; for when I raised my arm I could see that he was passing through the wooden door of the house.

Then I remembered what Kyungsoo had told me earlier about following the red thread. And that's exactly what I did.

 

君の名は。

 

Inside the house, like every other summer house, there was a tower fan right in front the door to scare away the heat. There was also some glass ornaments making noise when the wind blew, and a strong smell of seafood in the air coming from the kitchen. The smell was the first thing that came to me as a memory, because I knew I had eaten something with that spice before. It was a special flavor, different from the food I was used to eat back in the capital.

In the living room, I could see the television playing with some video game. There was a coffee table full of dirty dishes, and crumbs of baked dough that I soon realized were cookies. I flinched with the immediate memory that that image sparked in my mind: it was Kyungsoo in the kitchen, laughing while playing with a bun in his hands. I was smeared with flour and chocolate by his side, as he put the cookies in the baking pan. We both looked happy, even in love.

An involuntary tear fell from my eye, wetting my cheek. It was painful to remember things from the past, because as soon as I had that memory, it was gone. I no longer had the sound of his laughter, and his face was becoming an amorphous image in my mind. There was not much left, I realized.

I took my way from the living room to the kitchen, because the Red Thread was pointing in that direction. As soon as I walked through the portal, I could smell vanilla and baked dough. It must have been the cookies, or some remnants of the mess made in the kitchen earlier. He was there, but he wasn't himself. It was a mirage, a part of him that hadn't yet been erased from me.

"Baekhyun!", he said excitedly, running to show me the cookies, "Look! It's screwdrivers and hats, your favorites."

I approached him, trying to understand what he was talking about. When I saw the dough shapes like a pan, I felt something lighting up in my heart. It was a memory where I told him about how cookies are always boring squares, and how I'd give anything to eat some that were weirdly shaped. And so he did it for me. He'd made so many weird shapes that I couldn't stop crying over it.

“You did it!,” I managed to tell him.

He nodded in agreement, pointing to all the other odd shapes.

"I did my best, I knew it would cheer you up."

I frowned.

Tears came to my eyes, because I knew where I should go to find him. I was not needed for anyone to show the way do Kyungsoo's heart, because I could feel it. I just never had the opportunity to knew him how I would like.

I mentalized the landscape of Verla Beach in Main. The place was empty, it had houses near by the white sand. Kyungsoo liked there because it was peaceful and distant, almost invisible compared to the most famous beaches in the country. But summer being summer, the beach probably wouldn't be so empty, even in my wildest dreams.

With that image very clear in my mind, I opened the back door of the kitchen. I opened my eyes as soon as the ocean's salty scent hitted me. The sun was nowhere to be found, but the music was very clear: there was Chanyeol singing with his guitar while everyone danced around the camp fire. Kyungsoo was there, paciently waiting for me. I frozed, because everything was exactly the way it had happened. 

Instantly, I remembered about everything. I knew that whatever this event means for us, it was happening to make me live my memories all over again. The feeling was as if I had the right to say goodbye to them for the last time.

"It can't be...", I muttered, horrified. “No, that's not right. It can't be."

Kyungsoo waved at me, smiling broadly in his shorts and lime green tank top summer outfit. I felt two thick tears running down my face. He was being erased from me and I couldn't do anything to stop the memories from being forcibly ripped from me. But worst of all, was knowing that we probably choose this to ourselves.

Together.

“No…” I repeated, as if I could change everything that had ever happened or would happen to me.

The Kyungsoo from my memories smiled at me, ignorant of the fact that the future had been cruel to us. In his black eyes I saw hope, love and affection. Inside me, I felt misery and the void Kyungsoo failed to fill. The Red Thread glistened on my finger and forced me to go to him. It forced me to take it all the way to the end, but I didn't want to. I wanted to stop, I wanted to stop, I wanted to stop.

"Stop!" I yelled with everything I had, while tears runned down my face, "Stop! Stop! This is wrong!"

I tried to go for the door, but when I looked back, there was nothing left. The house was gone, and the summer air was all I had. That memory was going to be erased and that's what I was there for.

“No, please don't.” I choked back my own tears, trying in vain to control what was already done.

I felt my legs giving way to the ground, and my body hit the beach in the same second. A pain started to rip my chest in two, as if I might die right there. It was my soul, I felt it. My soulmate who was now being forcefully ripped away from me. It was the worst feeling in the universe.

"No!" I howled in pain, both physical and emotional, "Stop! I do not want this anymore! Stop! Stop!"

But everything I said, was useless. Because what was done, was done. Kyungsoo disappeared like magic while I was still kneeling on the beach sand feeling his soul being erased from mine. My chest was crying, my lungs were short of breath and my soul was burning alone in the darkness of the universe.

"Parting me from you will be forever one of the worst pains you can ever give me", Kyungsoo told me one day, when we were lying in bed just after discovering we were meant for each other. It was on the same day that I understood that being in love with him would felt in a way that we could barely understood, but enough to feel. It was a love so great, and so intense, that it felt like one split in two. As if we were spawned by it.

So why was it over? What equation did we miss?

My eyes were still crying, as everything disappeared right in front of me. I no longer had many of the memories of our times together, but the most important ones were finally leaving. As if they were crucial to getting all the work done at once. But I didn't want that. I didn't want to continue this pain. Nothing that Kyungsoo could do to me would be worse than feeling my soul tearing apart from his. That pain was worse, because it was permanent. I knew that if I let him go, I would never find him again. There would be no more choice, it would be eternal. And I didn't want to live an eternity where he didn't exist.

Gathering all the courage I possessed, I got up from the sand-filled floor. I knocked my knees and walked quickly to the sea, running as if it were the only portal that would release me from all those confused dreams. I ran against the salty tide, pulling my heavy jeans into the sea. I was crying, but I wanted to find a way to make it stop immediately. I thought if I forced myself to wake up, somehow things might work out. If I could only make myself wake up, then everything would stop.

I dived into the sea even though I didn't know how to swim. It took me seven , eight, and two more, and then I felt myself losing control of my own body in the midst of the waves. But I didn't lose my breath while I was underwater. It was a dream, so most likely it was impossible to force myself to wake up to save my own life.

"Wake up!" I screamed in my own mind, "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"

I continued screaming mentally in the middle of the ocean, while the waves threw me back to the sea without me feeling anything. Nature took my body back to the beach without me having to ask. The feeling of desolation hitted me, and I thought the world was about to end. I cried as I looked at the sky above me, reflecting all the darkness I felt. I thought that, at that exact moment, it might start to rain, but it didn't. What happened was something I couldn't even imagine: I heard Kyungsoo's voice screaming next to me.

"Have you gone crazy?" he yelled, sounding desperate.

I opened my eyes and found his dark orbes starring back to mines, right next to me. I must've be doing something really bad, if he was scolding me so vehemently.

"Kyungsoo?"

"God dammnit, Baekhyun! You can't drown in a simulation. This here, right now, is the edge of dimensions, and if you die, it could be fatal. Not everything you dream is just a dream."

"What are you talking about? I wasn't killing mysel, I was trying to wake me up."

He took a deep breath, looking away from me. He seemed convinced that I wasn't screwing up. Kyungsoo was a mystery to me, because now, with part of the memories erased and the other part trying to say goodbye, I could have a vague idea of who he was. Certain attitudes seemed predictable, while others seemed completely off-kilter.

“I don't understand you,” I confessed, still staring at the sky above us.

“You never did,” he replied. “And I'm sorry about that. If I were more honest, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place."

I nodded, even though I didn't know what he was talking about. I felt that, deep down, it was this huge gap between the two of us that would make the distance real. And infinite. It was almost as if nothing mattered beyond what was really lost. There was no going back, and we both knew it.

“Our time is up,” he said, looking at me with sadness. “You only have one more step to go, but I'm leaving. Forever."

“That can't be right. I don't feel like I can really let this happen, I feel like it's all a big mistake.” I cried, wishing things could turn around at the last minute.

“Baekhyun, babe, please. There's no other way. We'll have to go through with it."

"But why?"

"You know why…"

"No, I don't." I said, honestly, "I do not know why I would ever want to be away from my soulmate." I confessed, because it was true.

None of that made any sense to me. I looked at him, trying to make him understand what I had in me.

"Kyungsoo... I love you. I know that, I feel so. Please do not leave me. Don't leave me without letting me anything from you."

He cried with my words. I saw some tears falling from his eyes to his cheeks. There was still love there, you could feel it. The problem was: maybe that wasn't enough anymore, somehow.

"I can not. But I can give you my last trace, so you'll see. You will understand everything at once."

"Will I be able to keep you for myself?"

He sadly agreed.

“It's the only one you will, Baekhyun. The only thing that you will remember, will be our breakup. That's how it is with soulmates after they're burned."

"After what?"

“It's impossible to break the Red Thread that binds us, but we still manage to burn each other out. And even if the Legend doesn't allow us to be disconnected, we can still deny ourselves some memories, but not all. We can choose which memory will stay, but the only memory you chose to leave, was the one of our breakup."

And as soon as he said those words, I ended up remembering everything. From all the pain, the impulsive decisions, the bravery and conflicting hearts... we were like a hurricane in the middle of the storm. But after chaos, there is always a destruction. And that's where we were now: amidst our own wreckage.

“That's not fair,” I complained, even if it was in vain, “Damn it, why did you let me go through with it? Why, Kyungsoo? Why didn't you put any sense in my head?"

“Because I agreed with you, Baekhyun,” he simply said. “You're too good for me and you deserve more than I failed to give you. I was selfish, mean, and a big idiot to you. As much as I'm sorry about that, I would never let you be tied to someone you hated so much, even if that someone is me. Even if you are my soulmate."

Those words were hard to hear, but I knew they were starkly true. So, forgiveness was about that, in the end. He asked me for forgiveness for all his faults, for all the times he made me bleed. Could I forgive him for that? Would I have the ability to find a piece of me that still wanted to forgive him? How far could a relationship be saved from a beautiful disaster?

So many doubts, and no light to illuminate me.

“I still want to know if I can forgive you,” I whispered, drawing his attention to me. “I need to find out if I can forgive you, or if I should move on without you. Can you give me this? Can you remind me of how we got here?"

Kyungsoo nodded cautiously. Maybe, he was nervous. But he loved me enough to let me choose whichever path I wanted. Whether away from him or for my own happiness.

“Come closer,” he whispered, as his lips sought mine.

He hesitated, trying to memorize every feature of my face as if it was the last time we would see each other (which, in a way, it was true). I did as he asked. First, I felt his fingers invade my skin with a touch. It was so real, so hot, compared to other times he'd touched me. The feeling was new, or maybe I felt that way because I knew it was really new. Because we were no longer the Kyungsoo and Baekhyun of three years ago. Nor the ones from last month.

We were Kyungsoo and Baekhyun from now.

“I'm invading your simulation, Baekhyun. I don't know if I can implant my traits in you, but I'll try. Maybe…” he bites his lower lip, “I'll have to use something more… powerful. Do you understand?"

I didn't understand, but I agreed anyway. Kyungsoo sighed, and brought his lips closer to mine just before leaving an affectionate seal there. He smiled and pulled my body towards him,

“It worked, I think,” he said. “Close your eyes, focus on me."

Again, I did as he asked. This time, I felt his mouth kissing my bottom lip, and opening the way with his tongue, as he tried to bring me back to whatever memories he still had of the two of us.

But deep down, it felt like it was just the last one left...

 

君の名は。

 

PAST 

 

It was a rainy night. Both of us were locked in my room while I was staring at the window. Deep down, I wished the rain would fall over me and wash me like brand new. I wished things do not happen, but it seemed useless to even think that. I could not simply erase Kyungsoo from myself as other soulmates do. We promise each other that we wouldn't reach this level, that we were better than that. So, why did I feel that that was inevitable? "Please, say something." He whispered, "Anything." I denied, whipping a few tears as they fell. My heart was deeply pulverized. I did not have any strength left in me to make any of this mess resolve itself, like magic. "I can't." I murmured, "I have nothing to say to you." 

"Baek... I did not want to go there, but—"

"But what?" I yelled, getting mad at his lack of honesty, "You always hide things from me, don't give me reasons to trust you. And now, you were going to leave without saying anything? What kind of relationship do you think we have, Kyungsoo?"

He stared at me, a bit shocked. His plump lips were parted, searching for air and comprehension. Which was ridiculous, because, if he ever knew me, he would know exactly what to say in this situation. But, he never even bothered.

"I love you." He said, getting all wrong once again.

 I love you is not an apology. It was selfish, possessive and the focus is more on the "I' than "you". I, I, I, it seemed that everything that had to do with him was like that.

"Shut up, I don't want to hear about that now." I whipped away more tears with the help of my black sweater. The rain was so strong that I thought it was raining hail from the sky. "You lied to me. You lied one more time, and you are lying again. When do you ever say something to me that isn't a lie? Do you realize how much it hurts me to know absolutely nothing about your life? For me, having to hear from strangers that you joined the army without telling me? I feel like I don't even know who you are, Kyungsoo. I fell in love with a ghost.

"Please, don't say that, babe."

His eyes were begging me for something that I didn't know if I could give to him: comprehension. It's been a long time since we were in this dance, and things between us had changed drastically. I did not recognize my own half anymore.

"I hate you for hiding things from me. You don't love me, and just want someone to deal with all your , while you don't have the guts to do that yourself. You never listen. I have to yell every time I want to reach you. It's ing exhausting!!

"But I'm right here, dammit, what else do you want from me?"

He shouts at me, staring with his mad spirit vibrating dark energy. I could feel that, the anger. It was all over me too.

"You! I want you! I want you and not your wall. Kyungsoo, I can't get to know anything about your feelings about us. You do not say what you think about our future, don't tell me your hopes about me. I'm tired of this. I'm tired to foretell everything because you simply left me alone in the dark.

He denied. I was being absurd in his eyes. 

"You are acting crazy."

"No, I'm not. Your problem with booze was kept secret for months. The first time that I heard about it, it was because you were lying in a ing hospital! You said you were with money issues and asked for help from an ex. Do you realize how much it hurt me to realize you don't trust me enough to share your life with me? It seems like I'm a ghost in your life when I'm literally your only other half in the entire world."

He cried. The first tear was waiting to jump from his eyes, just like the bullet words he was about to shoot at me.

"I just don't want to get you involved in my , Baekhyun, god dammit! Don't you understand? I want to give you only my best. Don't you think that I get sad to know my other half is better than I am? I'd rather we were two ed up guys, and maybe this was all a lot easier to cope."

Tears fell off my eyes with those words. I suddenly understood everything he wanted, which did not involve me. He wanted someone he could identify with. I wasn't that anymore.

"So, that's it, isn't it? You want someone different. Someone I'm not."

He denied, passionately. He stood up from the bed he was sitting on. The bed where we once consumed ourselves in love, so pure, this mess would never be able to touch it. As he walked toward me, I could feel. I could feel his despair reaching for me. He ran his hand through his hair, nervously.

"This is ing frustrating."

"And you don't think that I know that?"

"No! You don't, Baekhyun! You have no ing idea! Because I'm screaming for hours in your ears that I love you, but you insist on getting dirty in my ing mess. it, Baekhyun! I'd rather die before you see that side of me.

"You just made your choice, then." I say, crossing my arms, "We're done. You can leave by the door, and chase someone that deserves your trust."

He looks at me as if I shot him. And, maybe, I did. Maybe I was happy with that reaction. Maybe I wanted to see he was bleeding for me at least one time. 

"Baekhyun, please. This is not what this is about, and you are not thinking straight."

"No, you are wrong. This is the very first time I ever see things so clear since I met you. Go away. I do not want to see your face ever again."

"Babe, please. Please, don't say that to me."

I denied it, holding every beat of my heart that I didn't want to share with him.

"I want to fragment you from me. I don't want all this intensity anymore. I want to feel like I deserve the love and trust o whoever it is by my side. Not only that, but I certainly do not want a compulsive liar."

He walked toward me, willing to touch my skin, but I did not let that happen. I did not want his touch at that very moment, it would be too much for me to deal with. I wanted him to be the farthest possible. I didn't want to hurt anymore.

"Don't do this to us, Baek. Please, please, try to understand. I love you so much, I'm crazy for you..." he started to cry between his words, but still kept his distance, "Baekhyun, I'm so sorry for being so ed up. I want to get better for you. I want to be someone you deserve, your good heart..."

"How can I trust anything you are saying to me right now?" I whisper.

The Red Thread starts to flicker around us as a reminder of what we truly represent to each other. He whips away his own tears but stays in silence. He can't promise anything, because he knows that he cannot change in a way his words were promising. The booze would come, and the medication may be off the scene. Still, he will be locked with the ex that holds him for money. And me? I will always be the second, third, or fourth option on his list. 

"I want you to go, now. I will let you know the clinic's address when the time is right. We're done."

"Baekhyun... please, I'm begging you, do not do this to us."

"It's already done." I say, staring into his deep honey eyes, "I want to forget that I ever met you."

 

君の名は。

 

 

Kyungsoo parted the kiss between our tears and followed a path up to my forehead. He laid the lips there, sighing as he waited for me to come back to myself. My eyes were still closed because I was feeling the pain of the truth weighing on my shoulders. We'd broken up for a plausible reason, but that left me wondering what to do from there.

 

Silent was the only thing between us at that moment. Our bodies were still stuck together, but our minds were ready to wake up. The world we were trying to build was about to be deleted by the time we woke up. I wouldn't remember anything besides the last time we saw each other.

 

"I know that apologies will never be enough, Baekhyun. But I would like to say that I do feel sorry." He whispered to me.

 

I acknowledge his words with a nod. I too felt sorry and even more sorry for our immaturity. Everything was bright as the sun now, and it seemed to me that another life was being left behind.

 

Suddenly, the sun came out from the sea. On that beach of our memories, we were both sitting there to watch the system being shut down. We were at the limit of both worlds, a place where the simulation found a way to let Kyungsoo invade my head. I did have any idea that soulmates could cross each other minds, but now everything made sense. If Do Kyungsoo had my heart, it was only natural that he could own my mind as well.

 

"I want to say something..." Kyungsoo starts to talk, staring at the horizon, "You were the best person that I've ever met, Baekhyun. And I feel sad that things between us parted ways like that. But I... I believe that, maybe in another life, we can make this work."

 

I saw sincerity shining for the first time in his eyes. There was so much resentment between us magically erased, that it was hard for me to remember the reasons why we went through this. But I have already seen enough to understand that your soulmate will not always be the best for you. Sometimes, we need to choose between what is good for us and what we can't change.

 

"In another life, who knows..." I stutter, realizing the scenario is already fading, "We don't have much time, now."

 

Kyungsoo stared at me. He was wearing the same denim jacket and his usual office clothes. He stood his hand for me, and I just looked at him, doubting if I should give him my last heartbeat. And looking at him, it was easy enough to see another person in front of me. It was easy wanting things would go back as they were. It was natural to feel that that connection would always exist between us because it was true. But not every love lives enough to burn for an eternity.

Out time had come.

I intertwined my fingers with his and held tight to his hand. Kyungsoo sighed, and I saw some tears escaping his eyes. The same eyes I'd grown to love so intensely just for their magnitude, and the ability he had to close them like a smokescreen. But not now. Now they were as clear as the sky above us. "I see you on the other side," he said, as his voice started to fade in my head.

"I see you on the other side." I agreed, even though I knew deep down that was a lie.

We closed our eyes simultaneously as we met the unknown darkness together. While I felt my body waking up, I saw the image of a red thread burning alive. And then, nothing else.

 

 

 

 

 

I opened my eyes and took all the breaths that my lungs were asking me. My body was wet and I could feel myself being out of breath like I'd just drowned. I realized I was in a hospital-like room, full of computers by the wall in front of me.

 

Someone next to me started giving instructions that I didn't understand. The person was wearing a white coat, and I could read the embroidery on the pocket saying "Red Thread of Delusion". Right away, I understood where I was: it was one of those memory erasure clinics.

 

"Hurry! Check Do Kyungsoo immediately! Something very wrong is happening here." They shouted.

 

Something wrong? My heart beat out of my chest, and someone put an air inhaler under my face.

 

"Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?"

 

I nod with my eyes wide open. The fear in me was abysmal. I did not know where I was, not even why those people were shouting at each other like orders.

 

"What happened? Where am I?" I asked for a guy in white.

 

He looked at me seriously. It seemed to me that they would tell me about my death, that I was a ghost or something similar.

 

"The procedure has failed. There was a data breach that came from your other half, which made it very difficult for the software to work. Unfortunately, we weren't able to erase much from your memory and it would be quite dangerous to try to do so again." He paused like he was still trying to understand what was going on, "I believe that this never happened before, not even between soulmates. Something really did not want to be erased between you two."

 

Between... Us?

 

"Me and who? Who's 'us'?"

 

The doctor stared at me, this time returning the gleam in his eyes with some kind of hope.

 

"You don't remember the name? Great, great. Ah, this is perfect! One of the main traces was successfully erased! Maybe that will be enough to erase a good amount of memories."

 

I manage to stare at him, even though my whole body was aching. Memories? What was the meaning of that?

 

"What are you talking about? Should I worry?"

 

He denied.

"No, you don't need to worry. If you do not remember, it means that it worked! So, we should not get in the way of the process."

 

The doctor walked to the computer next to my bed and typed into the machine. He printed some sort of report and seemed to analyze what the sheet was showing him.

 

"Hum… this is really, really interesting, very interesting..." He looked at me with a funny smile, "You have quite a soulmate, uh? You are practically glued together. Pain doesn't usually happen in normal procedures, but I see here that none of the wires has broken. That was one of my concerns, since erasing soulmates is always more dangerous than normal couples."

 

"Did you… just told me you erased my soulmate?"

 

He denied.

 

“No, that wasn't possible. The procedure did not work, as I told you. I believe that separating soulmates so in love could be a fatal mistake for both of them.” He hesitated, looking a little confused at me, “Did you ever see the red thread in your dreams? Have you had any contact with your other half, even the slightest?"

 

I agreed with a nod.

 

“Yes, I've seen a lot of red threads. Even now before waking up."

 

The doctor nodded in agreement, writing it down on the paperwork.

 

“Okay… yeah, that's unusual. Maybe… if you really want to separate yourself from that person, you're going to have to look for a spiritual guide. There's nothing science can do for you, I'm sorry."

 

I startled.

 

"B-but why? Why do you think we can't move forward from this?"

 

He shrugged.

 

“Soulmates don't work in a simple way. Some bonds are weak, and others are as strong as one erupting volcano. It takes everything from us. Sometimes the strength of Love is greater than the things we comprehend, maybe that's the case.

 

"You mean... we're stuck together forever?"

 

“I wouldn't say 'stuck'… just, you know, isolated. Somehow you two are very close to each other. So close, that you can feel one next to the other when you are trying to erase." He laughed, as if it was the funniest thing, "Is funny because this is the first time I see something like this. A connection so rare wants to erase itself? Wow… it's really not every day you see this here."

 

Rare? I had a "rare" soulmate? I wasn't even aware of it. I knew that soulmates existed because that was very common. But less common were those connections that came from other lifetimes, or those who keep lifetimes with one person. Apparently, mine was like that. We were connected since my first breath on this Earth.

 

"This is so absurd!" I said, trying to understand this mess "I only remember bad things about him, but I don't even know his name. How can I get stuck with someone so miserable?" "You both are not "stuck", no. Just connected. These are very different things..."

 

The doctor pointed at the computer, showing a series of codes — as if I would understand any of that.

 

“Here, we can see the similarities between you two and there are many of them. Some paths of life you have to go through with your soulmate, to evolve in the astral plane. But whether you end up together or not, is your choice. Spirituality never forces anyone to do anything. It is action and reaction, cause and consequence. Everything tends to balance."

 

Everything tends to balance. But was it true? I didn't feel like my other half balanced me, quite the opposite. If I was trying to erase him from myself, it was because we were better off alone. Something had to go. I needed to release all of that once and for all.

 

"Thank you, doctor, for everything. I will go forward as best I can, and look for an expert on the spiritual plane."

 

The doctor nodded in agreement. He walked over to the same desk as before and signed the paperwork with a stamp or three. He packed everything in an envelope and gave me a copy of the entire lobotomy procedure. It was the last trace I would have of my soulmate with me. That realization made me a little sad.

 

I jumped out of bed and picked up the papers with my weak hands. I needed to eat, but the emptiness inside me made me want to throw up just for the simple thought of feeding myself. Would it be like this from now on?

 

“I'll let you get dressed. If you have more questions or any symptoms within a few hours, call the clinic. We can run some tests and prescribe something to alleviate the impact of the procedure. I'm so sorry, Baekhyun. I really am."

 

I nodded in agreement because I understood he meant well. I was sorry too. I was sorry that whoever was on the other end of the wire stuck with me for the rest of our lives. But I was even more sorry to know that meeting him again, would not only be inevitable but be premeditated.

 

Because we were meant for each other somehow.

 

 

 

 

When I stepped out of the clinic, I didn't feel the same as before. Inside me, everything made sense. The emptiness that haunted me during hours of lobotomy was no longer accompanying me. It was as if I had finally found myself again.

 

I breathed in the air of Seoul, letting my lungs get used to this new reality. I checked my phone and realized that nothing was out of the ordinary. The dates were the same, the wallpaper with Mongryong's photo was the same, and there was no weird message popping up. I fumbled through the messaging app, and all my soulmate's messages had also been deleted. That should make me happy, but it didn't. In fact, it only made me more confused, wondering why things had turned out the way they did.

 

The deal would be to go on with my life as if nothing had happened, but that would be impossible. The curiosity inside me was much greater, and I would be lying if I said I didn't have the curiosity to see him one more time. Just to confirm, even for a second, that he felt the same way I did. It was crazy, but for some reason, I worried if he was okay.

 

I tried to ignore my instincts and made my way to Pizza Place downtown to feed my body. My stomach was growling with hunger, so it wouldn't hurt to grab a slice or two of pizza before heading home.

 

I walked into the pizzeria and the wonderful smell hit me straight in the stomach. I smiled because I loved pizza. Especially the one with pineapples. Looking for a place to sit, I headed straight for the table by the window at the back of the restaurant, on the left side. It was a great place to sit as you could see people walking down the street and a lot of movement in the restaurant. It was just like an urban landscape.

 

As I placed my order, I noticed that the waiter was looking at me strangely. It was like he was waiting for some reaction, for a reason I couldn't understand. The whole place was kind of weird, actually. It looked like something was out of place there.

 

When the order finally arrived, I didn't even wait to eat. I felt the flavors exploding in my mouth like New Year's fireworks. Bright lights explode in a million pieces. Suddenly, a flash of memory lasted about seconds in my mind, like an image of fireworks on the beach. I blinked.

 

"What was that?" I murmured.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have left the clinic so suddenly. Did I have to go back? Had I just done irreversible damage to my own mind? Ah, suddenly my appetite wasn't the same anymore. I set the pizza aside, feeling the urge to cry.

 

What had we done? Why didn't I think more carefully? This was all very complicated. I didn't want to feel all these emotions anymore, but the problem was… I didn't even know what his name was. All I had were smudges on his face.

The window shining with the sun's rays on my face drew my attention to the outside. Buses sped past, and the rosy sky looked like an immaculate painting. The day was so beautiful for such a miserable feeling. I felt sorry for myself. And I was also quite surprised when I saw a dark-haired young man in a denim jacket walking directly to Pizza Place.

My wide eyes couldn't make out. Was it… him? It looked like him. But I couldn't say, because, well, it was all very dark. Except for my racing heart and that well-guarded feeling of anxiety, nothing was indicating to me that this boy was my soulmate.

He entered the restaurant and went directly to the counter. The easy smile, the way he moved so comfortably in his skin, it all felt so familiar. I stared at everything like I was watching a show. He was waiting for pizza at the counter and didn't make a point of sitting at the tables. Which probably meant he was on his way out.

 

Even with all that information and doubts, even though my heart seemed to scream inside my chest, I couldn't move. All I could do was watch him from afar as if he were untouchable. And maybe for me, he was.

 

When everything was finally ready, the boy took his pizza, smiled, and started talking to the pizza guy. However, the only thing I could hear were the exact words: "Pineapple… and it's still the best in the house."

 

Pineapple.

 

That ingredient, so important, is once again being exalted. I was just looking at the whole scene as if I wasn't part of the context. He left with a smile on his face and walked down the street without looking back. He stood at the curb, waiting for traffic to stop until he could cross. I didn't look away, because I couldn't even.

 

As soon as the traffic stopped, he continued walking. But before he took the first step, he hesitated in place. He turned his gaze to the window, where I was watching him. The wide, black eyes were locked on mine like a magnetic magnet. In the same second, I felt butterflies in my stomach at the same time I saw a red flash pass before my own eyes.

 

I closed my eyes immediately, touching them with my fingers as if to make sure I wasn't going blind. The headache the doctor had mentioned finally arrived, as if my head would split in two, such was the pain. I bent my entire body over the table, praying that nothing inside me was sick or anything.

 

“Sir… is everything okay?

 

I heard a voice say, but I couldn't even respond. I was a little weak in energy, and my body didn't seem to want to react to any other stimuli. Maybe it was all that lobotomy that had made me so tired. It was even funny, because for one more time that day, I didn't know if I was delusional or not.

 

"Just a minute…" I murmured.

 

"Do you want me to call someone? You are pale."

 

"It's the... lobotomy."

 

"Oh," the boy said, surprised. "I'll leave your order here, then. Any other help, just call for me."

 

I nodded, still with my face under the wooden table. I opened my eyes slowly, at the same speed as the pain left my body. With every millimeter my eyes opened, I could see a little blurry. Slowly the colors were forming, and suddenly, I was looking at the darkened wood of the table. I frowned, realizing that in the midst of the various phrases of romantic songs, it had a peculiar thing. It was my name, and right next to it, it read: Do Kyungsoo.

 

I stared at that name with a single question running through my head at that moment: was this a coincidence, or a clue? I could never know.

 

Turning my gaze to the window again, I noticed that the boy was already gone. Of course, I didn't even know if that had actually happened or if it was still the effects of the lobotomy. On second thought to myself, I decided to go straight home and rest at once. The next day, who knows, I might not be able to go back to the clinic to find more answers.

 

Or, at least, I hoped so.

 

 

 

 君の名は。

 

 

The next day, I took the same bus in front of my house. I'd have to go to the antique shop to start my shift before Mr. Park got annoyed and replaced me for good. Well, I didn't really believe he could do something like that, but, Chanyeol couldn't be there for me every time his dad gets mad. So I did my best not to push his buttons.

Seeing that the bus was already on its way, I got up from the bench I was sitting on. Of course, I also had to put the backpack strap back on my back to carry it, but the same moment I did, I saw him. He was passing through the crosswalk, oblivious to everything around him as he fiddled with his cell phone. This time, he wore a black jacket like a blazer, and he looked a lot more dressed up than usual. It was him, and I knew it because my eyes didn't seem to want to stray to anything else.

He crossed the street and simply disappeared into the crowd. He didn't stop at the crosswalk, let alone look back, as he went about his normal life. I froze as I felt this distance rippling through my chest. It was like everything was in slow motion, and more and more, pieces of me were getting more and more lost. But wasn't that what we asked for? For total separation, for oblivion? So why did this process hurt so much?

That wasn't right.

As soon as the bus stopped in front of me, I got on. I sat in the usual place where I sat every day and analyzed what I should do. Something was telling me to go back to the clinic for answers, or else, I'd run the risk of him crossing my path for most of the day. And I couldn't take this risk anymore.

I wanted answers.

I let the vehicle cross the city at a speed that didn't match the longing stirring inside me. All that mess from before, all the hurt I'd tried to erase in the despair of my pain, had gotten worse. Because, in addition to the reasons confusing me, I also felt I needed an explanation from him. The person I didn't even have a name for.

As soon as I saw the “Red Thread of Delusion” sign glowing bright red, I pressed the button. Step after step, I walked quickly to the clinic as if the world was ending. The automatic doors opened, and in desperation, I practically flew to reception. The blue-haired girl looked at me a little scared.

"Can I help you?" she said, somewhat impressed.

"Yes! I need a doctor?" I said doubtfully.

I mean, yes, I needed a doctor. But is that the correct term? Or were those people just scientists?

"Right. What is your name? Have you scheduled here before?"

"Yes. My name is Byun Baekhyun, I did a soulmate erasure process."

"Ooh. Byun Baekhyun… so it's you? Oh. I'll call Doctor Kim immediately."

Ah, so the doctor had a name. I nodded in agreement and waited in a white coach. The entire clinic was white, in fact. In the face of my desperation, I hadn't noticed how much that place looked like a modern center. The smell of alcohol was everywhere, indicating that cleaning was also taken seriously.

It didn't take long for the doctor to appear from behind the reception in the testing rooms. He smiled at me, his mouth full of teeth. Damn, he was handsome. His face was so beautiful that it was hard to believe that this guy was a scientist and not a model. How did I not notice this before?

“Good to have you back, Byun Baekhyun."

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. Because it really that I was there again.

"I need your help. Can we talk?"

Dr. Kim nodded, grinning at me.

“Please follow me,” he said.

We both headed down the white hallway to one of the testing rooms. There were as many machines as possible, I was even surprised by the sheer number. All that was not new to me, but I had never seen any of it with my own eyes. The first time I came, my whole focus was on my soulmate's erasure. I didn't even realize how expensive the clinic looked. Which made a big question pop into my head: was it my soulmate who had paid for the lobotomies?

“Now, come on, Byun Baekhyun… Tell me what's going on with you."

I swallowed hard, looking away from the doctor in front of me. How could I begin to explain? It was a little complex. Maybe… just throwing in the first information would be enough.

“I-I think I'm seeing him again."

The doctor looked at me, somewhat surprised.

"Again? That's pretty weird. Did you try to consult your spiritual guide as I told you?"

Oh. The spirit guide… yes, I had completely forgotten about that.

"I did not. Because I thought I should see you first, no?"

“Oh, yes,” he agreed with a nod, clearing his throat with a confused expression. 

Doctor Kim took two sheets with red stamps and one gold. He analyzed it, reading the report carefully. 

"Well… the simulation, at first, didn't work out. That's what is written here." He hesitates and looks at me, "Did you see him during the simulation? From the start?"

"What... do you mean?"

Kim sighed, gathering the sheets and walking over to the table that faced a large window. The sun lit up the room everywhere, so it was easy to see him there. He gestured for me to sit down, and I did. The papers were now on the table, right next to me. Number one had a picture of me from a few years ago. And the other was turned against the table, showing only the white back of the paper.

Ah, was that private data?

“Well, we put the patients in simulations while we erase the other memories. It would be as if you were in another day of your routine, without even realizing that it wasn't real. That happened?"

I tried to remember. It was a day in my routine, but my soulmate was present at all times. Well, not every moment, just the moment I left the house and walked to the bus. So how could I classify the simulation?

"Yes and no. It was a really weird dream, but I don't remember everything."

"That's a shame. We do not keep this type of file for privacy reasons. You know… sometimes some memories are "hotter" if you know what I mean..." He cleared his throat, annoyed, "Hmm… some memories can be compromising. So we don't keep any of the simulations with us. But if you've seen it throughout the entire process, it could mean that the just tangled up on their own."

That took me by surprise.

“Like… a knot?"

"Yes, maybe." He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes, "There's this theory that the red thread never breaks, you must know that by now."

I agreed with a nod. It was a very old legend, very old indeed. It was about the world's first soulmates, something the ancients called Akai Ito. I knew about the story, but not how it worked in practice.

Doctor Kim seemed to sense my hesitation, so he continued:

"Well... It is very difficult for the thread of fate to undergo any change. He connects the hearts of soulmates, making them always find their way to each other. Always, under any circumstances. This means it's very easy for one soul to invade or switch bodies with the other when they're connected. If the boundary is open, then this can happen. Maybe your soulmate was trying to get in touch with you during the lobotomy. Maybe… they still had something to tell you."

Would he have something to say to me? That looked pathetic. If we could resolve ourselves in conversation, then we wouldn't have come to a clinic to resolve our issues in the first place. No, he probably wouldn't have done anything I said if he still had something to say to me. I had other conclusions about that problem.

"Do you know what the legend is, Doctor?" I asked, not having the strength to speak louder than a breath of voice.

“Baekhyun… I know your story is complicated. But you cannot cling to it. There's a lot we don't know about the origin of the legend."

“No, you don't understand. The legend says the boy didn't want to get married, so Xiao Lao Yue ties him to someone by a red thread. He gets angry, and when he first meets the girl, he throws a rock in her face. It leaves a scar. Does it feel like love to you?

The doctor stares at him, uncomfortable.

“What does that look like to you?"

“That there is a pain in this process. The pain I'm feeling."

Doctor Kim nods.

“Soulmates aren't said to be weak connections, because they've been through massive pain before finally finding each other in love. It has scars that will never be overcome. That's what the legend says. Now, the question is: what is bigger between you and your soulmate, Baekhyun?"

What was the biggest thing between me and the person whose name I didn't even know? What was greater between us, my pride? My pain? Could I forgive him for all the suffering he caused and still caused me? I couldn't tell. Maybe… maybe we'd have to meet to find out.

"I think just by looking into his eyes I'll find out," I said sincerely.

“If you feel that way, then it's valid. But know that the whole process is a mutual agreement. Pain happens on the other side too when it's all over". Doctor Kim looks at me hesitantly "They were here just minutes ago. I believe that if you really want to end it, you'll know where to go to find them again."

I widened my eyes, not believing what I was hearing.

"W-what?"

“I'm not lying to you. As I said, the pain is reciprocal. If you run, you'll know where to find them. But that will be your choice."

I agreed with a nod. I got up from my chair, already having an idea of what he was saying to me. Of course, the place had already appeared to me in the simulation itself, not least because it had our brand there. And possibly also our names. That could only be the truth I would find.

I thanked Doctor Kim, and headed over to Pizza Place for what felt like the twentieth time that week. I went, hoping that I would find the only person in the world who was also looking for me there.

I went there expecting to find Do Kyungsoo.

 

 

 

君の名は。

 

 

The bus took less time than I thought. Maybe the universe was conspiring for the two of us to meet as soon as possible. It was a traffic-free day, and it was already near lunchtime. So it was somewhat abnormal that there was no traffic to the city center by that time of the morning.

When I arrived at the pizzeria, I walked in with my heart pounding in my mouth. My breathing was uneven, and every step I took didn't seem to be enough. I was lucky that the place was open, and there were few people inside. I was even luckier because I had it right. My soulmate was there, at the same table and in the same place where I had sat the other day.

My feet magnetically went to him. I didn't need to check that I was right, because he seemed to be waiting for me. His eyes followed every step I took. They followed all the way from the restaurant door to the reserved seat in front of him. We stared at each other, in silence.

He was wearing a dark gray sweatshirt with a funny print. It wasn't the jacket I'd seen earlier, it was like he was wearing a casual, laid-back outfit. Something I didn't understand. Did he live nearby?

"I was waiting for you. But even so, I'm very surprised that you actually came."

His voice was thick, and it took me by surprise. I didn't remember the tone of his voice, nor the smell of the sweet perfume I was smelling right now. I didn't remember the way his eyes were as deep and amazing as hot chocolate in the winter. But the beauty of all details that marked his face, the rosy color of his full mouth, and the way his smile always drooped downwards, were unmistakable.

It was him. I had found him.

"You… what's your name?"

He looked at me hesitantly. He looked a little confused by my question.

“Did you forget that part? Do you really want to remember?"

"I just wanted to confirm, Do Kyungsoo."

"Oh", he looked at me "So you do remember?"

I declined with a wave.

“It was written here, on this table. That's why I assumed it was you.” 

I pointed to the place where our names were next to each other. He shared a small smile.

“I didn't remember that."

Well, of course not. And that was part of the big problem here: neither of us remembered why we should be mad at each other.

"Why are you here?" I asked, with no intention of an elaborate answer.

He smiled at me and shrugged as if he hadn't thought so much. I knew how he felt because it was a reflection of my thoughts there. Maybe we were both there because of our impulsiveness.

“I felt like I should come here. And so I came. And now I've found you. And I still don't know your name."

"It's Byun Baekhyun."

"Oh, how loud. It explodes in the mouth."

I frowned at the funny comment.

"How is it possible for a name to explode in your mouth?" 

I never heard something like this before, but Kyungsoo smiled at me.

“It means it's nice to say it, 'Byun Baekhyun."

"You are weird. That must be why you are my soulmate."

He laughed this time, a low sound like a shy teenager. It was weird because it didn't really suit his personality. But it wasn't as weird as me knowing that information without even remembering who he was.

“Maybe you're right,” he said, tracing the names we carved into the wood with his fingers. “Maybe fate brought us together through our weirdness. Or was it the pineapple flavor?"

This time, he took me by surprise.

"How do you know?"

“The other day, I saw you here. I thought I was the only person in the world who craved that flavor of pizza, but you were sitting here eating my favorite pizza. Somehow, I just felt it. I do not know how to explain it."

"You felt?"

"Yeah. Even now, I'm feeling something. I just don't know what it is that pulls me to you so much."

It was the thread. I knew it was the red wire, and even then, I couldn't talk about it. It was painful. The legend hovered like a curse in my head, and I didn't know if it was reciprocal or not. If Do Kyungsoo knew we were soulmates, then the whole lobotomy thing must have gone wrong with him too.

"Do you remember… anything from the past?"

Kyungsoo immediately shook his head.

“I didn't even remember your face."

Those words… I don't know why, but they destroyed me instantly. I held back my expression because I didn't want to show my weakness.

"You do not know who I am?"

“Well, I was told I had an ex-boyfriend. But that was all. I don't remember anything about the two of us."

No. It couldn't be, no. Did he not remember? Had the lobotomy just gone wrong with me? Doctor Kim lied to me, or was it Do Kyungsoo who was lying to me right now?

" Are you kidding?"

Kyungsoo's eyes widened, noticing the seriousness in my tone.

“No… should I remember? Did something happen that I don't know about?"

, it was true. He had no idea.

“No, it's all under control. I believe this is really a chance for both of us to put an end to this."

He nodded in agreement.

“If that's how you want it, that's fine with me."

I don't believe it. Was that it? After all that suffering, would I be the only one to remember our entire history, even if fragmented? That wasn't fair at all. I felt the tears involuntarily run down my face, beyond my control. If possible, I hated him even more now. No, I hated myself in the first place for suggesting the lobotomy. Kyungsoo had nothing to do with it.

"You are crying. Oh God, is there something serious I don't know about? Are you ok, Byun Baekhyun?"

"Why are you calling me that? It's Baek. You always called me Baek. Damn it!”

I wiped the tears away with my sleeve, feeling an ache build up in the side of my head. This was wrong, it was identical to the legend. The pain was one-sided. I was made of pain as he threw stones at me.

"I'm sorry…" He murmured.

"It's not your fault. You know what, forget it. That was a bad idea. Look, thanks for waiting for me. I'm glad you made yourself available for a final conversation, b-but I-I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't."

I said, getting up from the bench to leave. But he held my wrist against the table, almost immediately.

“Wait, Baekhyun, wait a minute. I want to know the reason. I want to understand how we got here."

I stared at him, surprised.

“Why is this important to you?"

"Because I loved you one day, didn't I?" he said, his black eyes locked on mine.

I stared at him perplexed. A simple, direct, and true answer. He loved me one day. He loved me. He had loved me, and that, he remembered. Everything was able to be erased from his mind. All the fights, all details, all the nightly text exchanges, all sighs of passion, all the dates, all the trips, all our first times, and all the stolen kisses in the bus seat… all of that was gone. Still, he kept the memory of my love inside his chest. And I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about it.

"Do you still feel it? Can you feel me?" I asked, pathetically waiting for his answer.

Kyungsoo nodded slowly.

"Every day."

That made me cry even more. Every tear that fell, left with a piece of me. They were tears I would never forget because they belonged to my heart's grief. The grief of knowing that nothing is eternal and that I had lost myself while I was also losing him.

Kyungsoo got up from the table and hugged me. Even though he was a little smaller than me, he managed to engulf me in that hug.

“I… I'm terribly sorry. You seem like a great person, Byun Baekhyun, and I'm sorry that my past came between us. I feel like I made you suffer, and that is something I will never forgive myself for. But I really hope you find a place in your heart where you have the space to do what I can't. I hope that one day, you can give me what I don't deserve."

I let the tears say everything I couldn't. Kyungsoo hugged me the whole time I cried in his arms. He didn't say a word and let me vent for as long as it took.

He felt a searing heat rushing through my body. It was as if the thread was squeezing us, curling and tangling that awkward hug to transform into something else. I had no idea why he acted in such an abnormal way, but it was possible to feel that it was no accident. Something that had been corrupted before was now healed.

We stayed like that for many minutes until I accepted my own fate. I had never imagined that a breakup would bring me so much pain and regret, but when the crying finally stopped, I felt lighter. I felt his lips brush under my forehead, and I slowly opened my eyes to look at him.

There was sadness there, I could see it. But there was also a sense of relief. In addition to all the care that was familiar to me. Kyungsoo always tried very hard for both of us, but at that moment, I didn't feel better or worse about it. I just felt that things were getting better from there. I felt like I could start to be happy.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, still maintaining an emotional distance.

A distance from an ex-boyfriend.

"Now I am."

Kyungsoo shared a shy smile.

“That's good, then. Forgive me, Byun Baekhyun. I didn't want to cause you any trouble."

There it was. What a great choice of words…

"Don't worry. It's okay, I… I'm just going home now."

"Are you sure you can go alone?"

I held back the urge to roll my eyes. He might not remember a thing, but his protective maniac self was still as alive as ever.

"Do not worry about it."

Kyungsoo agreed.

"Right. So… is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"I don't know."

"It could be anything," he said, while we were both still standing in front of "our table."

We both stared at each other as the world around us seemed insignificant.

“I sincerely hope you can live well, wherever you are."

"Oh." He sounded shy. "Th-thank you. That's very kind of you."

I nodded in agreement because it was true. It was kind of me to override my own principles to forgive him. But I also knew that was what the yarn wanted. It was our destiny to be bigger than our own Ghana. I had to remain humble in the face of love.

"So, this is goodbye…?"

The sentence wasn't meant to be said as a question, but that's how it ended up coming out. Kyungsoo looked at me sadly, with a defeated smile on his lips. I thought that carrying the burden of the truth would make me the most miserable person between the two of us, but I was terribly wrong. The burden was spiritual, and no soul could escape that weight.

“It's probably a 'see you soon', Byun Baekhyun."

I smiled sadly at those words. I gathered my belongings, all my shards, and my weaknesses to get out of there with the least of what I had left. I refused to be a slave to pain anymore, and I refused to let karma plague me for the rest of my life. That whole situation could repeat itself if I didn't put a stop to it here and now.

"In that case… I beg you not to look for me."

Kyungsoo was surprised by my comment.

"What?"

“When you find me again… let me go. Can you promise that?"

He continued to stare at me, wary. He wouldn't be able to get the words out. Kyungsoo was always the weaker of us two. The big problem was always measuring our strength, that's what was between us. His lack of strength against my lack of understanding.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

I agreed with a nod. I didn't have to say anything else, because I already knew it wouldn't end there. Time and space were the limit for both of us. The thread didn't break, after all. It just prolonged the inevitable.

"Maybe then in another life, I'll see you there" 

He smiles this time, while I turn my back to leave. 

"Goodbye, Do Kyungsoo."

He didn't utter a single word in response. He just got mesmerized, staring at me as I got further and further away. The thread was stretching between the two of us, and each time I walked away from it, the more I felt my finger burn.

As time passed, everything got better. I could feel the connection much weaker and sometimes even almost invisible. It was rare that I felt the need to go to random places without planning because I knew it was the wire pulling me into it. But none of that was enough.

According to the spirit guide Doctor Kim had recommended for me, the thread was still intact between the two of us. It was weakened because it was as if we hadn't met yet again. He said that it would be impossible to premeditate when and where this connection would come back, but he made it very clear that Do Kyungsoo would come back to me one day.

The big question was whether we could start over again, with a simple handshake in the street. Because, now, I finally had his name.

And I would never forget ever again.