****

I sat on my bed as I thought about what I had to do.

I never expected these unwanted feelings to develop... never wanted to do this to my two best friends... but now that it's happened, I can't seem to turn back to the way things were.

His face flashes before my closed eyelids and I bring my hands up to pressure them until dots appear instead of his face.

"I can't believe he said it!!! He said it! Yunnie! I'm so happy! He actually LOVES me back!!!"

His sweet excited voice filters through my thoughts, unwanted, and I find my eyes tearing up as I remember his happiness when Changmin first confessed.

The news had hit me like a ton of bricks.

The irony behind it all was that I hadn't realized my feelings back then. Hadn't known that what dampened my happiness for them was my own hidden feelings... why didn't I realize it sooner?

"I don't know what I'd do without Jaejoong, Yunho Hyung... my whole world revolves around him. I hope someday you'll feel the same way, my friend. You'll see that you'll burst at the seams with happiness that the one you love loves you back."

I let out a shout of agony at the words I remembered from my other best friend, Changmin. He told me that a month after he had confessed to Jaejoong.

WHAT HAPPINESS CHANGMIN?! What happiness can I possibly get if my love loves YOU back instead of me!

I never expected to ever feel this anger either. An unjust anger, I know, but I couldn't stop it! Just as I couldn't stop my forbidden love for Jaejoong.

I curl up on my bed as tears slowly slide down my cheeks. I felt the throbbing pain in my heart, the throbbing pain that constantly reminded me of my love for Jaejoong and my hatred for Changmin. An unjust hatred that stemmed from him getting the love that I yearned for myself. Both emotions constantly warred within me, making me bitter and jaded... making someone I wasn't before.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stay by their side and see how their love only grows stronger as the days go by.

Can't see as my hope to ever be loved back dwindles with every caress, every shared look, every... every emotion displayed clearly in their eyes.

The way Jaejoong's eyes shined whenever Changmin met up with us... or the way Changmin's face practically split with a huge smile, a smile he always had for Jaejoong... it was a torture I once thought I could endure but now see that I can't. I'm too weak. Am not strong enough to see any longer.

Even with my misplaced feelings of hatred and love, I couldn't break the ties that we'd developed after years of knowing each other. Loyalty was always a strong character of mine... I never thought it'd be tested this way.

After all, what was childhood friendship against a fleeting feeling of love or misplaced envy?

That's what I had thought at the time. That I was just jealous of their happiness and that it'd eventually lessen the longer I observed their happiness.

How foolish of me to ever have thought that.

That foolishness was brought to light when I began to have dreams of a reality that didn't... could never exist.

Dreams that starred Jaejoong looking at ME with the same love and devotion he stared at Changmin with.

Dreams in which I possessed the body that belonged to Changmin now... because I know that they were both s before they got together. Because they both had wanted to give themselves to the one they love wholeheartedly... body, mind, soul.

And how did I know that? Well, being childhood friends did count for something. I'd laughed when they'd revealed that one slumber party a couple of years ago. They'd both gotten defensive and argued their point while I just laughed at how corny they were. How come I hadn't noticed how they'd looked at each other then? How come I hadn't paid attention to the pink hue of their cheeks or how they'd immediately avoided eye contact after that initial glance.

I laugh caustically at that as tears once more stung my vision. Yeah right. I had a chance in hell to get with Jaejoong. I had always perceived their love in the way they reacted to each other subconsciously. How Jaejoong was able to hug me freely, while he always restricted himself whenever he hugged Changmin. How Changmin would act coldly whenever Jaejoong did that, only to defrost with just a single look from Jaejoong.

I can't do this anymore. I have to get away from them and hope that someday these feelings will go away. That someday they'll stop tearing my heart apart with the warring feelings of love and hate.

Losing their friendship will be hard, but it'll hurt less than seeing them together. These months have proved that.

I wipe my tears and head towards the shower. Today I have arranged to meet with them to inform them that I'm leaving the country. I won't be telling them the truth, since they're both oblivious to my feelings for Jaejoong. I don't blame them. I've always been a master at disguising my emotions... even from myself, it seems.

Tomorrow's a new day and it'll start in a new place. I ignore the painful throb my heart makes when I remember that I'll never see Jaejoong again unless I successfully eradicate these feelings. I ignore the many years of friendship that will be missed.

'It's time to begin anew Yunho.'

I tell myself as the pressure that had been building through the years eased and I could finally breathe a little easier, at least I'd like to believe it is so.

I smile sadly, somehow I doubt I'll ever forget Jaejoong.