Jongwoon stares at the man in his arms lovingly. Yet, underlying anxiety belies the adoration he has towards his sleeping lover. When? When will he leave again? How long will Jongwoon have to wait until he meets Kyuhyun again in his next lifetime?

-

Jongwoon was still a human when he met Kyuhyun for the first time. This Kyuhyun taught him what is love. 

They were just 17, wide-eyed teenagers ready to conquer the world. They had known each other for years, since they lived in the same neighbourhood. The stolen glances, shy smiles, playful banters eventually culminated into a simple yet breathless kiss between the two at a clearing near the forest. Kyuhyun was just a tad bit taller than him, brown hair and sunkissed skin. They said that you'll never forget your first love, and as each century passes, Jongwoon thinks the statement can't be more true. 

Kyuhyun taught him what love feels like, albeit a simple, innocent form of love. To the bright-eyed Jongwoon, love felt so complicated, yet so simple. It was an amalgamation of messy emotions, yet it just made sense. He felt safe, happy, liberated whenever he was with Kyuhyun. 

When they parted, it was not on bad terms. They were just teenagers at first, teenagers who grew to fill in different personas and molds in their journey of self-discovery. They said their goodbyes with a simple kiss, at the same clearing where they had their first one. It felt like they had come full circle, and that was enough for Jongwoon. 

-

The second time he met Kyuhyun, he had already turned into a creature of the night. This Kyuhyun showed him when to love. 

Do you believe that there is such thing as the right person at the wrong time? Kyuhyun had asked softly, out of the blue. It was 2AM, they were huddled together under the sheets after they had just ran in the rain. It felt peaceful. Kyuhyun was shivering down to the bone, but Jongwoon — well, a vampire wouldn't be affected by the temperatures, right? 

They met at a restaurant. He was having dinner alone — yes, he does take pleasure in consuming human sustenance despite it being useless in his system, thank you very much — when he saw him. Jongwoon almost thought the familiar face he saw was simply a fragment of his imagination. Perhaps he had been yearning for a companion for too long, and lonely for even longer, that his mind deluded him with his first love. 

Unlike the previous Kyuhyun, this Kyuhyun looked so timid and shy. A tiny little thing who looked so fragile and sad, sitting alone in the middle of the restaurant, with no dining partner in sight. Every few minute, he would glance nervously at him phone, wringing him hands, then look around the bustling place as if he was looking for someone. 

He looked so sad, that Jongwoon just could not help himself from approaching him, and the rest is history.

The relationship was reminiscent of his first — so sweet, so pleasant, that when the news of Kyuhyun’s illness was uncovered, Jongwoon was completely blindsided. 

I love you a lot, you know? But I don't think I met you at the right time. Kyuhyun choked, tears in him eyes, as he laid in the pristine hospital bed. Jongwoon’s unbeating heart ached so bad but he willed the tears away, he needed to be strong for Kyuhyun. The older dropped a kiss on Kyuhyun’s forehead and pulled him closer. Jongwoon hummed him to sleep, praying that his voice does not falter into a sob. Each second that passes felt like an impending death sentence for both the lover in Jongwoon’s arms and for Jongwoon himself. He almost laughed at the thought. He was already dead, what was he thinking? And yet, it felt like a part of him would die alongside the second Kyuhyun. If it's the right person, it's always the right time. Jongwoon whispered against Kyuhyun’s ear, as he uttered a reverent prayer to the god that he doesn't believe in to express the desperation he didn't know how to contain. In his next lifetime, please let me cross paths with Kyuhyun again.

It's hard, isn't it? To love someone so fragile? Knowing that you have an eternity ahead of you, while your lover fades away in less than a century's time? 

Kyuhyun passed on the following month. 

- 

The third Kyuhyun was Jongwoon’s who to love. 

Decades had passed since Jongwoon was turned against his will, made into the creature of darkness. He missed the sunlight so, so much, that some days, he contemplated stepping into the glow willingly, knowing full well that that will be his demise. He had always appreciated bright sunny weathers when he was human anyway, since he loved travelling and taking photos. Maybe it will be worth it. He thought. What did he even have worth staying on this earth for? This gaping void of perennial loneliness just seemed endless and it was swallowing him whole. His friends and families were merely distant memories from centuries ago. 

He never really knew who his maker was, or why he was turned. He just woke up one day, like this. It didn't even feel like he belonged in the body, this skin. It took him months to get used to the sensation, the surroundings, the thirst. He was a monster now. 

So when his third love — Kyuhyun, him with a silver knife pressing right above his heart, all he could feel was a sense of finality and calmness. Do it. He breathed shakily. He wasn't sure if the lurch in his stomach was caused by his imminent end or the fact that his lover whom he gave his heart did not actually love him at all. It was all a pretence. At least he could perish in the hands of Kyuhyun, the Kyuhyun that had already brought him so much joy in the past two lifetimes. Jongwoon couldn’t think of a better way to die. 

Your kind has taken away so much from me. You're a monster. There was fire and pain in Kyuhyun’s eyes. I know. Jongwoon knows because that's the thought that crossed his mind every night when he stares into the mirror blankly only to see his bedroom staring back at him, no reflection of himself in sight. He thinks he had already forgotten how he looked by now. 

I hate you so much. Kyuhyun spat, voice laced with vehemence and sadness. Jongwoon closed his eyes to anticipate the pain in his chest, but none came. Instead, he felt a breathy gasp against his lips. 

He opened his eyes. No, no, no. The sight of Kyuhyun’s bloody torso filled him with dread. No! Kyuhyun collapsed onto his knees in front of Jongwoon, as if he was kneeling for the deities above. His face pained and awfully pale, knife sticking out of his abdomen. Why, why, why — it should be me. Why? 

Seems like being a vampire wasn't enough to stop me from loving you, Kim Jongwoon... It doesn't matter what you are, I love you for who you are. Kyuhyun rasped out in him last breath. No, no, no. Jongwoon clawed at the cold body desperately, a erse, masochistic part of his mind chimed in that he should be overjoyed at the blood oozing out of him system right now. That's what he is, isn't it? A literal blood-thirsty monster who has a penchant for bringing demise to his lovers? 

Jongwoon wailed at the top of his lungs when he felt Kyuhyun’s heart stop. 

- 

By the time it was his fourth time he met Kyuhyun, Jongwoon was terrified. Yet, he fell, and pondered where is love. 

For certain, he must have learnt his mistakes by now. To save himself from more heartaches, he ought to build walls around his heart, keep to himself, practise self-restraints, and stop giving into the ever-present desire to find love — to find Kyuhyun. Who does he think he is? For a horror like him to indulge in love? 

Even then, when the lanky man tripped over the pavement and fell into Jongwoon’s unassuming arms, he felt that familiar sensation in his heart again. 

They went on a few dates before making things official. He felt complete once more, but an undercurrent of fear and anxiety always existed — it felt like he was sinking in a quicksand of desire. When will Kyuhyun leave? When will Kyuhyun pass on? When will Kyuhyun turn against him? The four months of relationship was both a torture and reprieve for the vampire. 

Until one night, Jongwoon was at the door ready to surprise his boyfriend with dark roses knowing that Kyuhyun had a rough day at work. His steps were light, and he was so excited to see his lover’s sweet smile. But when he pushed the door open, the image of Kyuhyun in another man's arms paralysed him. 

He felt the air leave his lungs, and he couldn't breathe. The masochistic side of him forced him to stand and watched as clothes fell to the ground and the urge to throw up rose in him. 

He left quietly, stepping into the pouring rain, and once again wondered, is there even a place for him on earth where he can find love at all? 

- 

Jongwoon learnt how to love with his fifth Kyuhyun. 

This time, Kyuhyun was a vampire, just like him. Jongwoon didn't really come across many of his kind, interestingly. Vampires typically relished in solitude, after all. And when Jongwoon saw the guarded look on the familiar, pretty face across the bookstore, he wondered if this Kyuhyun could be the different one — the one that finally understands him since they are made of the same pain (and perhaps the same loneliness?). Jongwoon had been alone and lonely for almost seven decades now, and the self-punishing part of him just couldn't seem to tame the hope blooming in his chest. 

Jongwoon approached him bashfully, very ill-fitting of a creature whose birth predates the invention of bottled beers, in all honesty. Needless to say, this Kyuhyun was skeptical of Jongwoon’s advances and told him to off with an air of chagrin. Jongwoon was so charmed. 

It took almost a year of acquaintance and midnight rendezvous for them to finally get together. At that point, Jongwoon was already contented with whatever he had with Kyuhyun. He was fine with the ambiguity, so long as Kyuhyun would stay in his life (life?). The comfort and familiarity between them was not something he wanted to lose — for once, he didn't feel the shrill of anxiety of plunging into a relationship hard and fast. 

Yet, when Kyuhyun responded positively to Jongwoon’s usual jesting proposition of a relationship one day, Jongwoon was over the moon. Surely, this Kyuhyun would be the one. His existence didn't have an expiry date, he was definitely not a hunter out for Jongwoon’s blood, and with how cautious he was with protecting himself, he clearly would not betray Jongwoon for another person. Once again, the vampire was consumed with love. 

Jongwoon was so, so happy. He hadn't felt so alive since eons ago. Ah, ah, but does he not know that being so madly in love is a symptom of a lack of self-love? Idolatry automatically lowers one's relation to the other after all — he gave and gave, and expected nothing in return. He thought he was doing it right, he had so much pent-up love that previously had no outlet to direct to, so he gave his all to Kyuhyun, unbeknownst to Kyuhyun’s increasing burden as the receiving end of Jongwoon’s devotion. 

It all ended with Jongwoon on his knees, crimson tears staining his pale cheeks, hoping against hope and begging for Kyuhyun to take back what he had just uttered. Let's end this, please — I can't take it anymore, it's pulling me down, it's burdening me so much, it's too much for me, I feel suffocated, please leave. 

This is it, Jongwoon thought, as he curled up in his bed after the harrowing ordeal of making his way home after leaving Kyuhyun’s. It felt like he left his heart there too. Does loving not equate to giving, to self-sacrificing, to worship? Maybe not, he figured. 

- 

Fast forward another century, a couple could be seen huddled together in bed. Their legs tangled, smiles bright and full of love. The soft moonlight filtering through the window illuminating each other’s faces. Jongwoon giggled as Kyuhyun whispered another I love you playfully into his ear. It tickled. 

It was Kyuhyun’s 25th birthday. The two had spent the whole day together celebrating the day — from picnic to wine tasting, to a visit to the latest contemporary art museum, and lastly, many rounds of making love in Kyuhyun’s apartment. Jongwoon thought the day could not be anymore perfect. 

I love you more, Jongwoon whispered back huskily, and subsequently melted at the loving gaze Kyuhyun bestowed upon him. He looks at me like I’m his everything, the older thought. Kyuhyun dropped a kiss on Jongwoon’s nose and pulled back, eyes serious. 

Hyung. 

Yes, Kyu-ah. 

Hyung, do you miss being a human?

Jongwoon frowned. What’s wrong, Kyu-ah? 

Answer me, hyung! 

I… I don’t think I even remember how it feels like to be a human. 

Kyuhyun pondered his reply with a pout. Hyung. 

Yes, Kyu-ah.

You will die for me, right? 

Jongwoon was startled. The familiar feeling of fear started to seep into his bones. Was this it again? The end of his relationship with this Kyuhyun? He thought this time round it would be different! This Kyuhyun… just felt different. And they were just having such a good time together, and Kyuhyun smiled so much, and —

Hyung! 

Jongwoon broke from the reverie. Yes, Kyu-ah.

Are you having dumb thoughts of me leaving again? 

No. 

Stupid hyung. 

Why the question, Kyu? 

I asked you first, Jongwoon hyung. Will you die for me? 

Of course I will, Kyuhyun. I love you. 

Kyuhyun looked contented with his answer. The unsettling feeling in Jongwoon’s stomach did not dissipate. 

Jongwoon hyung. I love you. 

I love you too, Kyuhyun. Where is this going? 

Kyuhyun bit his lip unsurely. Jongwoon could hear the other’s fast beating heart. It was a familiar sound when the two were engulfed in throes of pleasure and Jongwoon adored that sound. Now, he wasn’t sure what to make out of the racing heartbeat anymore. 

Jongwoon. I love you so much. I still can’t believe that you’re a vampire and I fell in love with you. I mean, you’re so old! Like sooooo old. But, you make me feel so warm and safe. I don’t ever want to leave your arms. Aren’t vampires supposed to be cold anyway? You’re just different, huh? Did you know that you made me the happiest man when you agreed to be my boyfriend? You taught me so much about love, and I just can’t imagine my life without you, hyung. 

Jongwoon felt like he was bursting at the seams with emotions. But before he could say anything, Kyuhyun continued. 

Sometimes when I think about the fact that I will die eventually while you carry on living for another millennium, I get so sad. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to grow old with wrinkles while you continue to look as handsome as ever and everyone is going to throw themselves at you. I'm very possessive, you know? I don’t want to leave you behind alone, after all that you have been through with your previous relationships too. I know that you will mourn for me when I die, because you’re a big softie vampire. 

There were tears in his eyes. Jongwoon wished he could stop the tears from falling lest he spoilt the mood with blood all over his face. 

You said you’re willing to die for me, Jongwoon hyung. And what I’m trying to say is — me too. I’m willing to die for you too, hyung. I want you to turn me. 

Jongwoon stared at his lover like a deer in headlights. 

What? 

I want to be a vampire, hyung. Turn me into a vampire so that I can be with you forever. You won’t ever have to look for another Kyuhyun. I’ll be your last and only Kyuhyun. 

Kyuhyun wiped the blood away from Jongwoon’s pale face gently, and landed a soft kiss on the vampire’s lips. Jongwoon was at a loss for words. Was this Kyuhyun in front of him just a mirage of his mind? There was no way…

K-Kyuhyun-ah… you have no idea what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I deserve so much of your devotion, Kyu. A-Are you sure about this? Have you thought this through? This sounds too good to be true to me, you know? 

Kyuhyun pouted. Hyung. You’re the worst man of the century! I just poured my heart out to you and you are doubting my love right now?!

No, no. I meant —

Hyung. You better start getting used to my annoying love declarations. Because you’re going to have to put up with them forever! I want to turn into a vampire for you. I’ve thought through everything, I’m a genius, remember? And as much as I say this is for you, it is very much for me too. I want to selfishly keep you with me for eternity. I want you to spoil me forever. Will you give me that, Jongwoon? It will be the best birthday present ever for me.

A deep-sated sense of happiness filled Jongwoon, and he realised— this is his why. This is why he love, this is why he keeps loving despite all the heartbreaks and grief. He loves because he was made to love again and again, to find his way back to Kyuhyun again and again. He loves because love is beautiful. He loves because love transcends time, species and space. 

Jongwoon leaned in and kissed Kyuhyun softly. He pulled back with a smile. 

I don’t think I can ever say no to you, Kyuhyun-ah.