“Hyung, remember the night we met?” Hyukjae whispers on the phone. “I remember. I had seen you before, watched you even, but I consider it the night we met because for the first time you saw me too. I used to come every week just to see you play. You’re the prettiest when you play. Every time I would gather my courage to go up to you and offer you a drink but after each set I grew cold feet. Do you know how intimidating your eyes are? When you laid your eyes on me that night, I swear I stopped breathing. I’ve been buying Donghae a drink every time we go out since that night. He teases me all the time ‘ah Hyukie, all this time thirsting after your piano man when he’s been my friend all along’?” 

 

Hyukjae chuckles, everyone knows he prides himself on having the best Donghae impression. 

 

“I guess I owe him because you probably wouldn’t have spared me a look if he hadn’t been there with me that night, just like all the others before. I could listen to you speak about music forever the way you did that first night. I love how passionate you are, the fire that burns inside you that no one knows about. I know it’s there, I saw it, I felt it. It’s the same fire that burns inside me. We’re the same, so, so different but the same. But we’ve been too stubborn to see it. Hyung I… I really miss you…”

 

A beep sound echoes in Hyukjae’s ear and an electronic voice says “You have exceeded the time allowed-”

 

Hyukjae hangs up before he can hear the rest.

 

~

 

Every weekend, Henry Lau gathered his friends in his Beverly Hills villa. Keywords were music and alcohol. Hyukjae had been coming with different dates each weekend for the last two months. Some with which he left the party with, or others that left the party without him. But this time, the lovely dancer he brought as his date had been captivated by whatever bull was coming out of his best friend’s mouth since the moment they had been introduced. So Hyukjae had to entertain himself.

 

He was currently downing shots on his own when he felt people sitting on each side of him. He looked up to see Kyuhyun and Victoria. 

 

“Why are you partying on your own? Where’s your date?” Victoria asked, knowing full well where his date was.

 

“Being friends with Lee Donghae is the worst decision of my life. Choose your best friend carefully, Kyu. Make sure you’re better than them at everything.”

 

“Are you actually complaining because your date has gone off to flirt with Donghae?” Kyuhyun asked unimpressed. “He’s the most handsome person in every room, of course people are going to dump you for him.”

 

“Whatever. Jongwoon wouldn’t.” Hyukjae downed another shot. He could feel the silent conversation his two friends were having above his head. Those tall ers.

 

“Hyukjae… all these dates, are you sure that’s what you need?” The worried tone in Victoria’s voice did not go unnoticed by Hyukjae. “You’ve been acting like you’re fine but…”

 

“But I’m back to my old habits. Hyukjae, the man , catching STDs left and right from God knows who, doing God knows what.”

 

“This is a health hazard, if you want my opinion.” Kyuhyun muttered.

 

“Well I don’t want your opinion. Thank you. I’m fine.”

 

“Look, we’ve all been through a bad breakup.” Victoria said, a comforting hand on Hyukjae’s forearm. “We know what it’s like to think that seeing a hundred other people will make us forget. But it doesn’t, Hyuk, it really doesn’t.”

 

“I don’t see how this is comforting.” Kyuhyun commented.

 

“Well you aren’t trying very hard, are you?” Victoria told him off.

 

“I don’t want to forget. I just want to feel numb for a little while.” Hyukjae whispered, in a sad voice.

 

Kyuhyun, ever the good friend, downed the next ten shots with him.

 

The weekend that followed, Hyukjae and his date were welcomed at the door by Henry.

 

“Hyuk! So glad you came.” Henry turnt to the woman standing next to Hyukjae. “I’m Henry, nice to meet you.”

 

Henry took the girl’s hand and pretended to kiss it. Irene did not blush or giggle like Henry would like. She smiled politely, she shuffled on her high heels. She looked really pretty, long hair tightly knotted on the base of her neck, elegant little black dress. Both Henry and Hyukjae knew she was too good for him.

 

“Irene, glad to meet you too.”

 

Irene put her hand in the crook of Hyukjae’s elbow and they walked into Henry's villa. He liked Irene, better than the girl he had brought to Henry’s house last weekend. They had met in a dance workshop in San Diego, they had been partnered and there was just electricity between them. So he got her number, and insisted for her to come to his friend’s weekly party at his very fancy house in Beverly Hills.

 

As soon as they entered the living room, Hyukjae’s gaze crossed Donghae’s. After years of knowing each other, living together and sharing everything, Hyukjae had practically mastered telepathy with his best friend. And Donghae’s eyes said that he had been waiting for Hyukjae to arrive because something unexpected had happened. Donghae stood up from his armchair and walked to Hyukjae and Irene. But before he got to them, Hyukjae saw the unexpected “something”. Kim Jongwoon was sitting at the piano, charming everyone with his light fingers on the keys. 

 

The whole room went dark except Jongwoon in Hyukjae’s eyes. Everything shutdowned, he did not hear Donghae making small talk with Irene, even though he knew Donghae hated small talk, he did not see the panicked look in his friend’s eyes and Irene’s unfazed one. 

 

“I thought he went back to Seoul?” Hyukjae asked out of the blue, cutting into Donghae and Irene’s conversation, turning to his best friend.

 

“He’s here for a few weeks at most.” Donghae whispered and he had that guilty look like he already knew Jongwoon was in town.

 

“And you’ve known about it for how long?” Hyukjae’s tone was tight and harsh.

 

“He wasn’t supposed to come tonight. I swear I would’ve told you, Hyuk.” 

 

Donghae loved being loved and cherished and adored, he hated disappointing people. Hyukjae knew that and he wanted to hurt Donghae like he hurt right now being in the same room as Jongwoon.

 

“Whatever…” He turnt to Irene. “Let’s get something to drink?”

 

Hyukjae spent the night avoiding going near the piano. He was getting to know Irene, and she really was too good for him. He felt bad having asked her out in a place full of strangers when she was clearly shy around new faces. He called a cab for her when she mentioned having rehearsals early in the morning. He kissed her on the cheek and closed the car door. As the car drove away and turned the corner, Hyukjae realised his main distraction of the night was now gone. He should probably go back inside and apologise to Donghae for being an . 

 

The door of the house opened behind Hyukjae, making him turn around. He would recognise this figure anywhere, even in the darkest nights. The man lit up a cigarette, unaware Hyukjae was watching him. His hair was longer than before, permed up and curly. His tattooed arms were and Hyukjae could guess there were probably more additions to his canvas.

 

“I thought you quit smoking for aesthetics.”

 

Jongwoon looked up, eyes wide behind his curly fringe, smoke dissipating around him.

 

“I thought you were avoiding me.” He talked back. 

 

“I was. I am.” Hyukjae walked past him and went to find Donghae inside the house. He did not miss the familiar fragrance and the ache going through his body to touch the older man.

 

~

 

Hyukjae loved Jongwoon’s tattoos. The lilies on his chest, the moon crescent on his triceps, the smoking coffee pot on his left side. He loved them all. They had not said it to each other yet. Love. But they both knew. They felt it in each other’s eyes, in each other’s touches. Kim Jongwoon was a quiet man, but he poured his words and passion into his music. Hyukjae had never heard someone’s feelings that clearly. 

 

Jongwoon was lying shirtless on the ratty hotel bedspread, and Hyukjae caught the words before they came out of his mouth. Instead, he took the Polaroid camera Donghae left in his room back home and took a picture. Jongwoon lifted his head up at the sound. Jongwoon’s hair was blond and straight, he had packed four different shampoos for their weekend away. This was the secret of its softness. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Making memories. Donghae said I should decorate now that he moved out and took everything with him.”

 

“So you’re gonna put a shirtless picture of me on your fridge or something?” Jongwoon snorted.

 

“Or next to my bed. You’ll have to come and check.” Hyukjae walked to the bed and let himself be caught by the arms of his lover. 

 

“I’ll gladly accept this invitation in disguise.” 

 

Jongwoon’s body looked frail and fragile but his embrace was the strongest one Hyukjae had ever known. Even Donghae and his deathlike grip were a feather touch in comparison. 

 

Blond hair, shirtless, tattoos and black skinny jeans, he looked like every poster on 14-year-old-Hyukjae’s bedroom walls. He told Jongwoon so. Hyukjae felt the laughter bubbling in the other man’s chest before he burst out laughing.

 

“I’m glad you get to make your teenage dream come true.”

 

“You’re my walking wet dream, Kim Jongwoon.” Hyukjae pecked his lips. 

 

“Are you going to introduce me to your parents?” Jongwoon teased.

 

“Worse, to Lee Donghae. The heart of a mother, and the right hook of a father.”

 

“How could I not believe you two were a thing? You both speak about each other 24/7.” Jongwoon rolled his eyes. Jongwoon had been convinced that the two best friends were dating in the first few weeks after he met Hyukjae. He could not believe he would flirt in front of his boyfriend so shamelessly.

 

“You don’t have to be jealous of Donghae. We wouldn’t work.” 

 

“But you tried?”

 

“You seem really interested in this topic?” Hyukjae raised an eyebrow.

 

“I knew about you through Donghae before we even met, Hyuk.” Jongwoon explained, looking down at their hands now intertwined. “You have no idea about the gentle voice he uses when he talks about you. It’s always ‘Hyukkie’ and he thinks about you first for everything. You clearly adore each other. I know you have a past, I just… I need reassurance, I guess.” Jongwoon smiled sheepishly.

 

“He’s my first kiss, my first ‘I love you’ not directed to my mother, he’s my family in this foreign land. Donghae’s gentle voice and wandering hands are both a blessing and a curse in this friendship. But I swear you have nothing to worry about. Reassured?”

 

“No but you look cute when you pout your lips so I have to trust you.” Jongwoon said against Hyukjae’s lips. 

 

“Come to my next showcase. I’ll introduce you to everyone, not just Donghae.”

 

Jongwoon hid his face in the crook of the younger’s neck.

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Don’t be shy, hyung. I know I’m not shy to introduce you as my boyfriend to the world.” Hyukjae lifted Jongwoon’s face to his. 

 

“Send me the info, I’ll make my studio schedule work around it.”

 

Hyukjae smiled, all gums out, the way Jongwoon had confessed he loved the most. 

 

Their getaway weekend was coming to an end. Hyukjae was watching Jongwoon behind the steering wheel, sunglasses perched on the end of his nose, bleached-blond hair in the wind, brows slightly frowned. Jongwoon had reached for his hand when they took the highway and had not let go since. Their intertwined hands sat in between them, only moving to change the radio station. Mostly Jongwoon when he heard one of his songs playing. 

 

He played guitar and keyboard for an independent rock band that gathered some attention some years ago. They were well aware that their golden age had passed and gone. Hearing their song on the radio being played during off-peak hours was just a reminder of it. Nowadays, Jongwoon mostly wrote and composed for other people. He went back and played with the band once in a while when the others could make time in their family schedule. 

 

They made a quick stop at a gas station. They parked the car on the side of the road and had snacks in the grass. Jongwoon nibbled on a stick of red liquorice, painting his lips a lovely pink. Hyukjae leaned in and his boyfriend’s lips. Jongwoon’s lazy gaze went wide, before accepting both lips and tongue from the other man. His hands went straight to Hyukjae’s waist, sticky hands from the candy on burning skin. 

 

Jongwoon leaned above Hyukjae and whispered wetly against his lips. “I’m falling for you, Lee Hyukjae. I really am.”

 

~

 

Donghae opened the door to his old shared flat with Hyukjae. He had not heard from him for a few days and naturally got worried. The flat was dark and quiet. He went straight to the living room window to open the curtains. A groan escapd a half-asleep Hyukjae on the sofa. His hair had probably not been washed in days, dark bags coloured his under eyes and his clothes - boxers and a blanket - smelled like alcohol.

 

“Hyukie…” Donghae sighed.

 

He went to the kitchen to fetch his friend a glass of water and some pills. Back in the living room, Hyukjae accepted the glass and spoke in groans. Donghae looked around the messy room. Pictures were scattered on the coffee table and on the floor, one caught his attention. It was a Polaroid picture of a shirtless man on a bed, ‘Fallin’ for you, 140612’ was scribbled underneath it. He easily recognised Hyukjae’s handwriting but had to squint to recognise the man in the picture. Blond hair, small body, tattoos. Kim Jongwoon. He had never seen this picture before. Donghae looked at the rest of the pictures on the table, all of Jongwoon or Hyukjae and Jongwoon.

 

He looked back at his best friend, breathing heavily on the sofa next to him, blanket up to his chin, sweat dripping down his face. 

 

“He left 2 years ago today.” Hyukjae’s tired voice croaked out. “2 years ago he walked through this door.”

 

Donghae kept quiet. 

 

“Back at Henry’s house, I thought he was coming back for good. I was so mad at you for not telling me he was back. But he left again. I thought I wouldn’t care this time. Hae, why does it still feel like this?” Hyukjae’s big round eyes filled up with tears.

 

Hyukjae had been playing tough since Jongwoon’s last visit, he had stopped sleeping around, but started travelling and dancing more. Donghae has almost believed he had his friend back, but this proved him wrong. 

 

“I doubt drinking yourself to oblivion will help.”

 

“If you came to give me a lesson you can leave already.”

 

“I came because you’ve been playing dead for days.” Donghae sighed, head between his hands. “Talk to me?”

 

“He used to be jealous of you.” Hyukjae chuckled dryly. “That we’re too close, that you are in love with me or some . But in the end, he left and you stay, you’re the only one who always stays.”

 

Donghae’s heart stopped at those words. Hyukjae had no idea.

 

“Jongwoon hyung wanted you to go with him. You could have left with him. You would be together and you wouldn’t be missing him two years after breaking up. A love like you and hyung… I was so jealous of it.” Donghae was ashamed of this confession. “I wanted a love like that, unconditional and understanding. He thought you wanted to stay because of me, so he begged me to move back too. But I wasn’t the one holding you back. Why didn’t you go, Hyukjae?”

 

Donghae never used Hyukjae to address his friend, so when he did it only rhymes with troubles and hard conversations.

 

“I wasn’t ready to go back. I still had things to do here.”

 

Silence stretched between them. Hyukjae moved to sit next to Donghae, their shoulders and thighs touching. 

 

“Is that why you were considering the job in Ilsan?” 

 

Donghae nods. Hyukjae nudged his arm and laid his head on his friend’s shoulder.

 

“I miss him.” Hyukjae sighed.

 

“I know.” 

 

~

 

The door of the studio opened. Jongwoon did not even lift his head or turn around to greet the newcomer.

 

“You’re late.” He states.

 

“I’m still jet lagged.” Donghae answered, sitting down next to him. “You’re still stuck? Please say yes, I didn’t fly 13 hours for nothing.”

 

Jongwoon finally looked at Donghae. They talked on the phone often but he had not seen his friend in months. Donghae sure looked tired, his hair was longer than before, he could tie it on the top of his head. He had lost some of his tan, probably from staying in New York for weeks.

 

“You grew your hair?”

 

“I did. I lost a bet to Hyukjae.” Donghae spoke the last part quietly.

 

“You don’t have to talk about him like he’s dead.”

 

“You told me you haven’t written anything since you broke up. So yeah I basically have to.”

 

Jongwoon did not answer and played the only melody he had written since he left the States. He opened a file of unfinished lyrics as well. Working with and around Donghae had always helped him in seeing things under new angles. He went to the keyboard and played along with some notes that had been stuck in his head. 

 

“We don’t have the same definition for ‘I’m stuck’. Do you see all the material you have?” Donghae scrolled through the lyrics.

 

“I’m not sure I want to use any of them. They’re too personal.”

 

“Music is personal, hyung.”

 

“I don’t want to give away those lyrics. I need to write new ones to fit the melody.”

 

“Then keep them for yourself. For your songs. I’ll write some for your melody.”

 

Donghae smiled softly. They both knew what the lyrics said and to whom they were addressed. At the end of the day, they had lyrics for his melody and a few melody ideas for songs of his own.

 

~

 

Falling for Jongwoon was as unexpected as their first meeting. Hyukjae moved from South Korea to the United States to dance. He went from crew to crew, learned new styles, and forged his own. Dance had been his only love and passion for as long as he could remember. Nothing and no one had brought him half as much joy as performing did. So, when he got the same feeling looking at Jongwoon as he got on stage, Hyukjae knew he was in trouble. He did nothing to stop it though.

 

He loved going on coffee dates with Jongwoon. The older man brought his notebook everywhere with him and scribbled song lyrics and messy notes whenever inspiration strikes.

 

“You’re writing a lot these days.” Hyukjae noticed Jongwoon had already changed his notebook twice in the last few weeks.

 

“Guess I have a lot of things to write about.” Jongwoon smiled warmly.

 

Hyukjae’s thoughts went straight to a memory of them in the grass next to a gas station, messy kisses and soft confessions. Jongwoon was a quiet man, but never with his emotions. He made Hyukjae feel confident about voicing his feelings.

 

~

 

“What do you mean you’re going back?” Hyukjae stopped dead in the middle of the living room.

 

“My parents are getting older, and not in the healthiest way. I want to be a good son, spend time with them before it’s too late and I grow to regret it. So I’m thinking about going back to Korea.” Jongwoon explained while cutting vegetables.

 

“Why don’t they come here then?” 

 

“Why would they? Their friends and family are in Korea. I’m their only relative in the US.”

 

“Your friends are here. I mean you’d be leaving them…leaving me.” Hyukjae’s voice got smaller as he spoke.

 

“You could come with me.” Jongwoon offered. “The dancing scene has changed a lot back home. You could form your own crew.”

 

“I have my whole life here. I have my crew, my friends. Donghae is here.”

 

“Ah I forgot, Donghae cannot get by by himself.” Jongwoon muttered.

 

“That’s not what I said.”

 

Jongwoon just hummed back. Hyukjae was still standing in front of the sofa and Jongwoon in the kitchen. They were less than a few feet away and it already felt like they were on different continents.

 

“You want me to ditch everything I worked for. I’m sorry if I need to think about it.” Hyukjae resumed.

 

“Don’t pretend, Hyukjae. I know you already made your decision the moment I asked you.” Jongwoon turned around to put the vegetables in the pan.

 

“Stop putting words in my mouth!”

 

“Alright then, think about it. My offer will still stand, even if you change your mind. Now come help me with the meat.”

 

Hyukjae was in disbelief, but he still went and helped. Four weeks later, Jongwoon had packed his bags and left for Korea. Without Hyukjae.

 

~

 

Hyukjae and Jongwoon stumbled into the latter’s flat in the early hours of the day. They had spent the night celebrating Hyukjae’s crew's new regional victory. They struggled taking off their shoes and Hyukjae tripped with a groan. Jongwoon let out a fond laugh.

 

“Don’t laugh at me.” Hyukjae pouted, lips still slick and shiny from the kisses they shared on the train on the way back.

 

“I could never.” Jongwoon swore, right hand in the air. He helped his boyfriend back on his feet and led them to the kitchen. “Let’s drink some water and head to bed, okay?”

 

Hyukjae sat on one of the stools around the kitchen counter and shook his head.

 

“I want to dance some more.”

 

“I’m afraid I don’t have your stamina when it comes to dancing.” Jongwoon smiled, pushing a glass of water in Hyukjae’s hand. They both downed their glass in seconds. Hyukjae stood up at lightning speed for someone that drunk and tired, and swirled Jongwoon in his arms.

 

“Let’s dance some more, hyung.” Hyukjae whispered in his boyfriend’s ear.

 

They swayed for a while without music.

 

“Sing for us, hyung?”

 

Jongwoon had no choice but to please the man in his arms. He sang some lines of a romantic pop song he knew Hyukjae loved. Their dancing came to a stop and they stood still in the middle of the kitchen, foreheads against each and all body parts touching. Hyukjae sighed, content, and whispered so softly that Jongwoon’s tired brain barely caught it.

 

“I love you so much. I want us to be forever this way.”

 

~

 

“You have one new message and five saved messages. First new message, today, 6:33 pm.” The electronic voice stops followed by a beep sound.

 

“Hi hyung. It’s Hyukjae. I’m probably the only one flooding your voicemail anyway. Donghae came by earlier today, he thought I was drowning in my puke or something. He told me… he told me you begged him to go back to Korea back then. That you thought I’d follow too if he’d come.” Hyukjae sighs on the other side of the line. “And the bastard actually considered it, he looked for jobs, and talked to me about this awesome job in Ilsan. But me? I didn’t even consider it, I still had so much to do here. I still do. Sometimes I think about what if, what if I came with you. Would I be miserable the way I am now? Probably not, ‘cause I’d have you. Do you have any idea how all I think about for days on end is you? Do you know how much I miss you?” A sniff can be heard, before Hyukjae resumes speaking with a tight throat. “I’m sorry I ruined it for us and blamed it all on you. I’m going to make things right. You’ll see.”

 

The line goes dead. 

 

“If you want to delete this message, please press 3, to save it press 1. You have 6 messages saved. Message, July 23rd. ‘Hyung, remember that night-’”

 

The studio phone rings. No one ever calls on this phone. Jongwoon still answers it in case it is an emergency.

 

“Hello?”

 

“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but someone at the front desk is insisting to see you even though you have no meeting schedule with them.”

 

“Did they give a name?”

 

“Lee Hyukjae, sir.”

 

Jongwoon almost asks her to repeat. “Okay, please him to my studio.”

 

He half hopes it is another Lee Hyukjae and half hopes it is not. The next minutes are the longest in his life. Then there is a knock on the door, he goes to open it. Lee Hyukjae stands in the door frame, Soohyun from the front desk behind him. Hyukjae thanks her for escorting him and walks into the studio. He stands in the middle of the room, looking around. 

 

“That’s fancier than the one you rented in LA, you must be successful here.”

 

“Why are you here Hyukjae?” Jongwoon goes straight to the point, closing the door in case they get messy.

 

Hyukjae’s eyes are shining, he looks like he sounded on his voice messages: sad and exhausted. The room around Jongwoon goes dark with the next words coming out of his ex boyfriend’s mouth.

 

“I am wondering if your offer still stands? Because I changed my mind.”

 

Hyukjae smiles, all gums out, and the world is finally back on its axes after two years.