Illusion

Illusion

I tried to block all the noise and only focus on what you've been trying to tell me. Those words are stinging. It does a lot. After 2 years, what have I done to get this kind of treatment?

"You are kidding, right? Tell me this is just one of your jokes, hyung?"

You looked at me, pity is showing in your kind eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Bammie. But.. I can't lie to myself anymore. My feelings towards you, it's not there anymore. Now I'm just feeling numb and cold. Trust me, I've tried! I've tried to get that spark again, I've tried to remember how happy we used to be..."

"We.. used to be? Past tense.. really hyung? After all these years?"

"Bammie, I'm so sorry but.. this relationship should end here. I can't look at you the same anymore. I'm starting to get annoyed by whatever you've done. If we continued like this, I'm afraid that I would hate you so much."

Kibum understands. Oh, he does.

How doesn't he, if recently Jinki started to avoid his phone calls and didn't even spend the night in his apartment anymore.

"Okay," Kibum muttered those word with such a heavy heart.

Jinki's eyes lit up hearing the word come from Kibum.

"Look Bammie, we could stay as friends right? I am still your hyung, call me when things get pretty rough okay?"

Kibum only nodded before letting tears come down from his beautiful eyes.

*****************

It's been a year. One depressing year for Kibum after the break up. This past year, Kibum tried really hard to move on and erase all the memories. Leaving behind those sweet and sour moments he had spent with Jinki. It's not an easy journey, sometimes Kibum would break down in the middle of his class and usually Jonghyun or Minho would be ready to give some excuses to their teacher regarding his condition.

The first month is the hardest time for Kibum. He can't eat well, can't sleep and can't even focus on his studies. Neglecting his class, he sometimes only curls up in his bed until Jonghyun or Minho comes and forces him to eat something or take a bath.

Then, the second month comes. It's still not getting easier, but Kibum no longer spends his time locking himself in the dorm. He goes out with his friend, takes some evening walks, and visits an art class that recently opened near his dorm. In other words, he tried to busied himself to forget one particular person.

The third and fourth month, things are getting pretty smooth. Kibum is behaving like his previous self, with his diva-ish yet very caring attitude. Even though sometime he can't help but remembering all the sweet moment with Jinki, but it doesn't hurt him anymore. Not as much as it did before.

"So Kibummie, say, you would attend our Gala right? There's no way you skip those event!" Jonghyun said excitedly on one fine day.

The Gala that Jonghyun refers to is some sort of yearly event held by their campus that allows all the students and alumni to mingle together. It kinda like prom night but with a more formal set up.

Kibum looks hesitant. He bites his lower lip trying to make some excuses not to attend the event.

"Come on, Bummie! We would always stick with you all evening! Besides, Jinki hyung is overseas! He won't come!" Minho chimed in, trying to encourage Kibum.

It's not that Kibum won't attend the Gala because he is afraid to meet Jinki. He just doesn't have energy to meet that much people. But he didn't want to disappoint his best friends so he just nodded his head in agreement.

"Great! It will be fun, bum!"

*********************

Kim Kibum is no quitter. No he is not. But dear God how fate is so mean to him tonight. Right when he stepped in the gala event, his eyes landed directly on one particular person, the person he tried hard to forget this past year. Kibum just wants to get back home and spend his night crawling on his bed, doing nothing. But he is not a quitter, he said to himself.

Kibum bravely walked in and greeted his fellow classmates, trying to sound cheerful. From the corner of his eyes, he can feel that Jinki is eyeing his every movement.

"Oh you come, Kibummie? It's nice to finally see you this happy!" It's one of his classmates, Dongwoon. 

"Well, it's nice to see you too Dongwoon-nie. Now, did you see Jonghyun and Minho?"

"Oh, I just saw them there, mingling with Minho's soccer team."

"Great! I'll go find them! Thanks!"

Before Kibum can walk away from Dongwoon, his wrist is caught by someone.

"We need to talk." Kibum knows this voice. Oh how familiar he is with this voice.

Taking a deep breath, Kibum wears his façade and looks straight into Jinki's eyes. Trying not to crumble.

"Oh? Fancy meeting you here, sunbae-nim. But I'm afraid I can't talk right now, I need to find my friends."

Jinki's eyes flashes with hurt and disappointment but his hand is still gripping Kibum's wrist.

"Let's just... talk, okay?"

"No" with that word, Kibum pulled his hand and set them free. "There's nothing to talk about, sunbae-nim. Have a nice evening!"

And when Kibum found Jonghyun and Minho, he couldn't help but burst into tears. For a moment there, he really wants to relented and have a talk with the love of his life but he knows that nothing will ease the pain he feels this one year. He needs to be strong for himself.

"There... there... We are sorry, bum. We should text you when we see him here! We are sorry."

"No, it's okay Minho-ya. It's just, it's quite hard you know? When he said he wanted to talk to me, I really hoped that he would ask me to start over again. Pathetic, isn't it?"

"No, it's normal, bum. You've been hurt so much and you've loved him for so long. I'm proud of you." Jonghyun gives his friend a pat on his shoulder while Minho gives water to Kibum.

Kibum felt safe with their friends' presence until a deep voice called him, making blood drawn from his face. He knows this voice too well, even without looking at the source of the voice. He can feel that Jonghyun and Minho become tense and defensive.

"Jonghyun-a, Minho-ya, could you... could you please let me have some words with Bammie?"

Kibum can see how his friends hesitated to leave him before he himself nodded to give them assurance. I will be okay, he mouthed to both of them.

After both Jonghyun and Minho leave, they are sitting in silence. Kibum fidgets in his seat, wondering what Jinki wants to say after this past year.

"I'm so sorry, Bam.." Kibum was imagining any kind of sentences, any words that would come from Jinki but this is unexpected.

"I'm sorry for leaving you like that last year. It's... I regretted my decision to end things with you. I thought that I would do better without you, I could live freely and finally I can do everything that I couldn't do when I'm still with you. I thought that I would be happy. But no...

Every ing day, I came back to my apartment hoping to see your smile, wishing you were there with me. I tried to live my life, Bam. But... it's just not the same. Then today, looking at you, I realized that I need you in my life. I need your smile, I need your nagging, I need your love, Bam.

So please, could we... could we start over again?"

Kibum lets out a dry laugh, it's not humoring at all, if any it's hollow and desperate.

"After a ing year, Lee Jinki? Are you kidding me?"

"Bammie... please?"

"Did you know how this past year went for me, Jinki? I took summer course just because I can't operate, heck I can't even wake up from my bed the first three months after you broke up with me! Now I am getting better without you, you strutted into my life and asked me what? To start over again? No, Lee Jinki. I wouldn't let you ruin my life for the second time."

"Bammie, please... I don't mean to hurt you. It's just, it's a rushed decision I took and I regretted it every single day. Please Bam... just, this time... give me another chance? Please?"

Kibum thought that this is what he wanted all along. Having Jinki begging for another chance with him, knowing that Kibum has the upper hand for once in their relationship.

But seeing Jinki's pleading eyes, Kibum just feels empty. He remembers the same eyes, giving him a cold stare and breaking his heart.

With the last resolution in his mind, he takes a deep breath and cupping Jinki's cheek. Jinki immediately leaned into his hand and unknowingly, Kibum his hair.

"I'm sorry Jinki, but we are over."

And when Kibum looks into Jinki's eyes, he knows that he gives Jinki the same feeling as Jinki did to him a year ago. And he thought that maybe he will regret his decision later.

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