The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

     The white coffin grinned at me in muted mockery. With no words needed, it seemed to boast about having taken another one from the living to the other side. Even though the room was only lit by a few candles, one could easily see the corpse’s pale appearance behind the transparent glass; you can tell he died only a few hours earlier. It was only after my busy schedule wherein I was told about the news. Before that, this day couldn’t have gone any better. Everything started out right, and smoothly carried out to plan. It was abruptly halted, however, when the grim news arrived on my doorstep. I remembered rushing to the hospital, only to arrive in time to see him die. The machine showed a straight line, and I remembered breaking down on the spot. I bit my lip; the intoxicating scent of incense seemed to cloud my thoughts and I was getting delusional, but I was to overwhelmed with the idea that of somebody I love has died, while I was still here on earth, patiently awaiting for my turn to come.

He wasn’t just any person you loved, you know, my head told me. You know you loved him more than that. Hearing those words come from my very own skull made me want to detach my head from its place and throw it to the next continent – I had to stop myself from even trying. The reason why it hurts in the first place was because it was true and I hated it; I hated the fact that my heart still beats for a person who isn’t among the living anymore. Our paths crossed, and he decided to go ahead. Yet here I was, crying over death’s unfair plans, while fighting the thought that I was still in love with the person inside the coffin.

     I approached the container of the damned and gaped at the unseeing face he now has. Even death didn’t seem to flaw his appearances. Although pale and unmoving, he still has that angelic face and that masculine profile. His hands remained buff and rigid, while his hands still had that gentle look. I still remember how those hands feel wrapped around mine. I looked away, on the verge of tears. Even his dead body brought back too many memories; memories I know that I will forever cherish and engrave in my life. I sighed, it was true to say that my heart still beats for him, but I had to swallow the fact that his heart stopped beating a long time ago. He was now just an empty body without a soul.

     I went out of the chapel with a heavy heart and a throbbing headache. All those hours in that incense-filled place inebriated me, and I had to expend a lot of energy just so I could walk on both feet without falling. It was nearing midnight and the cold breeze was proof of that. Outside, I bought a few candles from a vendor, lit them, and dedicated prayers for his soul. I prayed that he will have a safe journey in the afterlife, that God will guide him in the path towards heaven. Tired and emotionally-drained, I set out on the side walk, hailing the first bus that passed my way. Climbing up took extra effort, but nevertheless I got inside without making a fool of myself. I found an empty seat beside a sleeping person, and I took it without any hesitation. I gave another sigh, and then closed my eyes to give my head a break. The person beside me seemed to notice that his seatmate had arrived, so he took the labor of moving a bit to his left to give me more room.

“Thanks,” I said, occupying the space he provided without opening my eyes.

“No problem – Moon Min Seul?” he said in a surprised tone.

My eyes snapped open the moment he said my name. Glancing to my left, I finally got a clear look of his face. It was Kim Myungsoo, one of the workers in the company I was employed in. I tried to give him a smile, but failed miserably. Even plasticity didn’t seem to work right now. The pain in my heart was just too strong.

Even Myungsoo noticed this. “Are you okay, Min Seul? You don’t look too good.”

“No, I’m not,” I replied, not bothering to lie. I was such a bad liar anyway. I might as well keep the lies to myself and face the facts that screamed reality.

“Mind if I ask why?” he pressed, obvious curiosity in his face.

I hesitated. I was not sure how I could tell me without crying. I was pretty bad in holding emotions in, and this occasion was too emotional for me. Even by just thinking about it, I couldn’t control the one tear that just escaped from my eye.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, eyeing the tear which rolled down to my cheeks.

Everything, I wanted to tell him. Everything in this world is wrong. Life is so unfair! Death is so damn cruel! But instead of saying that, I encapsulated all my grief and unstable emotions and uttered out the terrible statement, “Nam Woohyun is dead.”

It was hard to read the lines that creased his features. I didn’t know whether it was from shock, sadness or empathy. He slowly nodded, judging my expression carefully as if he knew that I would break down at any second. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

I nodded in return, unknowing what else to reply to him. Besides, uttering out another word would surely open the floodgates in my eyes.

He sighed. “Death is a cruel thing.”

I looked at him as if he took the words right out of my mouth, and nodded slowly in agreement.

“How are you dealing with it?” he asked.

“Badly, I’m afraid.”

“Since when did you know this?”

“Just early this afternoon,” I replied. “I received a phone call from his distraught mother saying that he was in critical condition.” By the time I said that, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling while I instantly replayed the recent happenings in my mind. “So there I was: rushing towards the hospital as fast as my car could take me. In the end, I was just in time to see the machine flash out a straight line.”

Myungsoo watched my troubled expression carefully with his unfathomable eyes expressing deep concern. “You liked him, right?” he asked slowly, eyeing my reaction.

Liked him?! My mind screamed in outrage. How could I ONLY like him? I loved him! After all the months we’ve been through, all the times we spent together, all the jokes that we laughed together in harmony, all the hours we’ve used up just saying ‘I love you’ to each other, how could I ONLY like him? I didn’t speak up. Instead, I was downcast, letting the tears fall freely from my eyes, not bothering to restrain them. There was no use suppressing my emotions; all this grief is bound to kill me if I didn’t release them in any outlet that I can.

“I’m sorry,” Myungsoo started, guilty that he brought up such topic. “I only meant to–“

“I didn’t like him, okay?” I cut in, melancholy thick in my voice.

“But why–“

“I loved him!” I exclaimed, covering my eyes with both my hands, trying to block out the abhorrent truth which plagued me. “And I still do,” I whispered softly.

I didn’t mind about the people who are looking at us right now. Let them call it a drama, let them call it a soap-opera, let them call it anything they want! That still didn’t change the fact that Woohyun is dead; it couldn’t turn back the time and prevent the accident from happening; it couldn’t save me from the overwhelming pain and torment that I am feeling right at this moment.

     A hand slowly caressed me in the back – an attempt to make me feel better despite the tragic situation. Sad to say, it didn’t work; which wasn’t a surprise. This kind of feeling surpassed all the sorrowful events that happened so far in my life.

“It’s okay, Min Seul. Everything’s gonna be fine,” Myungsoo crooned.

“It won’t, okay? Nothing, and nothing’s ever gonna be fine from here on now!”

 

     I alighted from the bus, slightly disgruntled with my encounter with Myungsoo. Not only had he managed to bring up the topic about Woohyun, he also had to ask me that touchy question. Sighing in exasperation, I walked up to the front door of my house, inserted the key, and opened it in one quick twist.

Darkness greeted me when I entered my household. Switching on the lights, I hurriedly placed all of my things down and hurried to the bathroom. Maybe a cold shower would calm my nerves, I thought. Setting my clothes aside, I entered the small cubicle and turned the shower on. The water was cold against my skin, but the pain in my heart did not subside. Instead, it seemed to course in my veins, spreading the sting throughout my body. Frustrated, I turned the shower off and dried myself. I took a pair of fresh clothes in my room and set out to comb my hair in front of the mirror. What I saw staring back at me was a girl with a dejected expression. Her lips were the perfect opposite of a smile and her eyes were red and swollen from crying. I turned away from the mirror. Even my own reflection reminded me of what had happened. Keeping my sentiments to myself, I lay down on my bed. This day took a huge toll on me. Who knew it would end badly? Who knew I would be losing someone dear to me today? Who knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again? All the memories we had, all the plans we were going to do, now they meant so much more now that he was gone. The times we kissed, the times we touched, the times we spent talking about our future, now flashed in front of my eyes and was slowly drifting further away. Without knowing it, I cried myself to sleep.

     My work seemed to be affected with the mood I was having even after a month. I was irritable, unpredictable, and unstable. I tried to treat our clients with a smile, but it would almost disappear almost immediately. Thankfully, they didn’t seem to pay heed to my mood. Finally, the day began to end and the number of clients steadily declined. Stressed out from a day’s work, I excused myself and retired to our eating area. I then made coffee for me to pair with the few loaves of bread which I had bought earlier during lunch break. Though they have gone a bit stale, they will do nicely. While I was busy stirring the coffee mixture while staring out the huge glass window overlooking the city, an arm suddenly leaned on the table I was staying on. I looked up, it was him – Myungsoo.

“Hey, Min Seul,” he greeted.

“What do you want?” I replied, yawning.

“Mind if I share this table with you?”

My initial response would’ve been ‘no’, but I was too fatigued to make the slightest argument. In the end, I ended up consenting to his request.

He gave me a warm smile and uttered out his thanks.

I smiled wryly then continued stirring my coffee.

“How are things?” he asked, apparently trying to start a conversation.

“Not much has changed.”

“Still not over him?”

“It’s been only a month, Myungsoo. You can’t expect me to move on that fast. To be honest, I don’t think I am ever willing to move on.” My statement came out smoothly, like I have been preparing to say that statement for a long time already.

His eyes drooped after he heard my statement. “Would it care to try, Min Seul? I mean, there’s no point in loving a dead person.”

My eyes widened at his tactless sentence. “How can you say that?” I practically screamed. “My boyfriend just died and you expect me to try to move on? Are you that unfeeling?”

He seemed to cringe upon hearing my heavy statements. “Sorry, I just wanted to show you there’s still a rainbow after the rain. Holding on to the past won’t help you, Min Seul. It’ll only give you false hope.”

“Shut up! Can’t you show the least bit of sympathy for me? Are you seriously forcing me to forget him? What kind of person are you?” I exclaimed. Without further words, I stormed out of the area, leaving an untouched cup of coffee behind me.

     It was raining by the time I arrived home. As cold as the night is during this particular hour, the rain seemed to increase the frigidity of the atmosphere two-fold. I haven’t eaten since I walked out from the building, so I took some leftover food inside the refrigerator and reheated it for dinner. I found leftover chicken and roast beef. Taking the frying pan and a bit of oil, I fried both of them together. I didn’t mind a clash of flavor. All I wanted is to suffice the needs of my hungry stomach. I was chopping some garlic and a few more vegetables when I heard the doorbell ring. I lowered the flame before I opened the door. A familiar voice called out to me, but I wasn’t sure it was. I stepped outside and walked towards the gate to get a clearer look. I gasped when I saw him.

“You,” I said resentfully at Myungsoo.

“Hey, listen I just want to–“

“You got some nerve!” I cut him off brusquely. “You offend me and now you’re following me home? What’s next? You’re going to kidnap me?”

He stared at the ground after he heard the accusing last statement. “I just wanted to apologize, Min Seul. But you’re making it hard for me to do so.”

“Perhaps if you were more careful with your words, you wouldn’t be apologizing in the first place!” I retorted.

He hesitated, as if to reconsider what he was about to say. “Can’t I come inside? It’s hard to talk in this kind of setting.”

I shrugged. “It’s okay; I’m comfortable with it this way.”

“But weren’t you doing something before you came outside?”

My eyes widened, remembering that I was in the middle of cooking my dinner. “Uh-oh, that’s right. Well you better leave. I can’t risk having you in my house.”

“But I just want to explain!” he exclaimed, swallowing my antagonism towards him.

“Not now. I’m not in the mood, thanks to you.”

He was about to say something more before I cut him off rudely. “Look, I don’t have the time right now, okay? You can apologize to me tomorrow, or some other time, just not now. Until then, keep your shallow remarks to yourself.” I then left him there, without any plans of looking back and reconsidering his apology. I returned to my cooking and stared in dismay when I saw the part of the beef and chicken turn black due to being overcooked. Oh great, first he ruins my day and now he ruins my dinner.

 

     I wasn’t looking forward for work the next day after all. I knew it would be the same as yesterday. Plus, that would mean I would meet Myungsoo again. I sighed. I was getting annoyed with him. He was like a stalker; he freaks me out. Sure enough, I met with him again during lunch at the same spot we met yesterday before I stormed off. I didn’t mind him at first nor pay him the slightest bit of notice.

“Hey,” he greeted.

I looked up to him and gave a deliberate frown. “Oh, it’s you.”

He sighed. “Look, I never meant to insult you, okay? I only meant that you need to go out more instead of just keeping to yourself. It’s been a month, and that’s already a long period of time.”

“Then speak up,” I commanded. “I’m all ears.”

We talked for several minutes, and I tried my hardest not to cut in. On the occasion that I did, however, Myungsoo would be very patient and listen to my side of the story. I got to admit, in this short conversation, I got to like him better. After all the bickering we had, he did have a point on what he told me. I was just too one-sided to notice that. But aside from that, he bitterly reminded me of Woohyun, the one who always gives me advice, the one who lifts me up when I am down. Maybe he’s right, after all. Maybe all I need is a friend, a friend for me to pour all my thoughts and share my problems with, a friend whom I can entrust my biggest secrets with and would be there when I needed someone to talk to. But there came out the obvious question, where would I find a person like that? I’m new in this town, and I don’t even know half the names of the people who work here yet.

I shrugged, unsure of how to react. “I guess I’m not that sociable,” I said.

He smiled, “I’ll tell you what, why don’t we become girlfriend and boyfriend for a week and see what happens.”

My eyes widened at the outrageous idea. “Are you daft? How are you supposed to talk me into that idea?”

“You don’t have to. It’s nothing romantic really. Just consider it an experiment. Besides, you’re not the type of person who looks good keeping to herself,” he teased.

I smiled unknowingly and gave him a playful punch. “Is there any reason you want me to agree?”

“Simple. It’s because I want it to happen.”

      I didn’t know what kind of sorcery he used to convince me, but I somehow ended up agreeing to his suggestion. After giving it much thought, I realized I needed the company. I missed the idea of having an arm I could lean on after one month of being a loner. Too bad I haven’t realized that until now.

     Kim Myungsoo reminded me of Woohyun with his soft, playful, and somewhat childish character. I didn’t know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, but nevertheless, I played along with his game. Hanging out with him, I realized he was a very congenial person. He joked a lot, laughed a lot, and whenever I didn’t laugh to one of his jokes, he would make this ridiculous face and wouldn’t stop until I laughed. In a short span of time, we ended up getting close to each other. He took me out in every possible occasion and made me feel wanted. I didn’t know how I felt. I felt like an old fuse igniting into flame. Having been dormant for so long, being exposed once again with people overwhelmed me. I’m not sure how well I took it in, but nonetheless, I felt my old self spurring back to life.

    One night, we decided to have an evening picnic on top of a small hill near his house. We both brought our own share of food which ranged from junkfood to main dishes, and to fruits. After eating, I was satisfied that the hunger in my stomach was tamed for today. Looking up to the sky, a million glowing stars greeted us and formed pictures in the sky.

“It’s beautiful,” I commented.

Myungsoo looked at me with a puzzled expression. “Which one is beautiful? I can’t tell, there are too many of beautiful things right here.”

I laughed. “The sky, silly! Have you seen a clearer night sky like this?”

He stared up in the sky with awe. I giggled; he looked like a baby seeing a toy for the first time. He looked away, grinning and suppressing a laugh. I had to ask why he acted that way. “Nah, I’ve seen prettier things,” he said comically.

“And what’s that?” I challenged.

“Are you blind to your own face Min Seul?” he asked. “You’re more beautiful than the evening sky.”

I flushed, flattered by his statement. I haven’t heard a compliment directed straight to me for a long time now. There was a brief flash of light, and I was fast enough to see the tail of a shooting star before it disappeared in the horizon. “Oh, a shooting start! Make a wish!”

We both fell silent for a moment before we spoke again. “So, what did you wish for?” I asked.

He stuck out his tongue at me. “Once you tell your wish to someone, it won’t come true.”

“You still believe in that superstition?”

“Absolutely.” he smiled.

     The day ended nicely after Myungsoo led me home. I thanked him and entered my house in high-spirits. The first thing I saw when I entered my room was the calendar. Today was the fifth day of the game we were both playing. After those five days, I couldn’t help but feel something stirring inside of me. I didn’t know what it was at first, but I knew it was related to Myungsoo. Now, I could attest to what I felt. I was falling in love with him. I don’t know, but I didn’t like it. It was like I was cheating on Woohyun even though he was already dead, and I didn’t like the feeling of being unfaithful. It’s the second to the last day tomorrow anyway; might as well make the best of it.

 

     Work ended yet once again and I, for once, was expecting a more challenging day than that. There were fewer clients today, and they were the kinds who were easy to get along with; not that I’m complaining, of course. Myungsoo met me up when I was setting my things aside for the day.

“Ready to go?” he asked.

“Just a minute, I’ll just stow these folders away and we’ll be ready to go,” I said, taking a thick pile of folders and stuffing them inside my cabinet.

“Okay,” I said, rubbing my hands. “We’re ready to go.”

“Great,” he said. “I have a special place for us to eat before the last day comes.” He winked.

I stared at his eager face and I couldn’t help but smile back. “Whatever you do, don’t spend too much. I’ll feel guilty for busting your pocket.”

“It’s our last day anyway,” he said, shrugging. “We might as well make the best of it,” he said, quoting the exact words I told myself last night.

     Myungsoo drove me towards the boundaries of the city towards a place with a breathtaking ocean view. He then parked his car and walked me towards the restaurant facing the ocean. He took me towards the second floor and chose a table with the best ocean view. The sea breeze was very inviting. I haven’t felt such cool natural air for so long now. The waiter came and took our orders and he told us to wait for a few minutes while the food was being prepared.

“So, what do you think?” he asked, his expression hopeful.

I smiled, “It’s perfect. This place seems expensive though.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll manage.”

We continued talking about random matters while waiting for the food. When it did, we stopped our little conversation and moved on to eating the exquisite dishes as soon as they were served. We ate animatedly, commenting how good the food was. After we ate the last drop, Myungsoo paid for the food and we went downstairs and walked towards his car.

Suddenly, Myungsoo slapped himself in the forehead. “Oh yeah! I forgot, I have something here for you.”

“What is it?”

“Nah, maybe not now; I’ll give it to you later. We’re about to go, anyway.”

I nodded, and then heard the merry tune of an ice-cream truck.

“Hey!” Myungsoo’s eyes glittered. “Would you like some ice-cream?” he asked me.

I laughed. He was like a kid when he said that. “Sure, I got enough room for dessert, I think.”

He smiled. “I’ll be right back. What flavor do you want?”

“Strawberry will be fine,” I said.

“Wait here,” he said. “I’ll be back.”

He crossed the street hurriedly and met up with the vendor of the ice-cream truck. I looked at him amusedly as he paid the man while carrying two cones of ice-cream. Smiling at my direction, he started to cross the street.

Then, everything happened so fast. There was blast of a horn, a squeal of tires, the flash of headlights, and a sickening bump. Before I knew it, all I saw were two wasted ice-cream cones flat on the rough asphalt, and a crowd encircling a particular area in the sidewalk. Myungsoo, I thought, horrorstruck. Oh, God, no. I ran towards the crowd and found Myungsoo, barely conscious; a pool of blood starting to form around him. “Myungsoo!” I cried, my eyes tearing up. His eyes met mine for a moment, and then he lethargically took out a white piece of paper, now bloodstained, from his pocket.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHyzxVlOI98

Listen to this, you guys :)

“T-t-take i-it,” he stuttered, blood starting to well in his mouth. Lethargically, I took the paper from his hand, shaking. Myungsoo fell onto to ground, unconscious. Unable to control myself, I ran away from the sight, shaking in disbelief. No way, this is all so wrong! How could this happen? Why did it happen? I’ve seen this before! Should I stick around for the end of it all? I’ve seen this before!

     The medics arrived minutes later, carrying Myungsoo’s limp for into the ambulance and then sped away with its sirens blaring. I couldn’t stand it, this was so unfair. My life was falling apart. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I don’t want to see it end badly, I don’t want to see him suffer. I hailed a bus which took be straight home, leaving the horrendous scene behind me.

     I opened the door to my room, jumped on my bed, crying hysterically. I shouted, I punched and kicked. I didn’t know what else to do. All of this was making me go crazy. I gripped my disheveled hair miserably and took out the letter Myungsoo gave to me before passing out. Even though it was bloodstained, Myungsoo’s handwriting was clear beneath the drops of red.

 

 

Dear Moon Min Seul,

       Everything has changed ever since I met you. These past few days, I came to know you are a really nice girl just needing a shoulder you can lean on when you are down. I know what I’m about to say would sound too sudden for you, but I fell for you the first time I saw you at work, even before we played this game. When you were on the bus, I crossed my fingers and prayed that my chance had come. Sadly, you were too distraught with what happened with Woohyun. I know you love him and you still do, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I love you. Remember the night when we saw a shooting star? I wished that someday, you and I would finally be together. I love the way you smile, I love the way you talk, I love the way you pout when you think my jokes aren’t funny. I’m human too, Min Seul, and I need a girl like you. So I’m planning that before the seventh day, I would like to make it a permanent thing and be your boyfriend for real. Love is a fragile thing, Min Seul, and we’re not its best caretakers. That’s why we must be gentle with it and hope this fragile thing lasts. I love you Min Seul, and I would always be waiting for you no matter how many times you turn me down.

                                                    Love,

                                                                                                                 Kim Myungsoo

 

 

Tears fell from my eyes as I read the last two sentences from the letter. I couldn’t take it. It was too much. The pain in my heart doubled and tripled for all I know but the pain never left my heart. My cellphone vibrated, and I almost dropped it in alarm. 1 new message:

Kim Myungsoo is now dead.

My clock rang as is struck the twelve-o’clock marker. That was the seventh day.