This Life

(hold my hand through it)

 

 

1. Video Game

 

“You lose, motherer!” Taemin’s character uses a scythe to decapitate Kibum’s super villain. Supposedly super. Pixelized beads of blood are now shooting out like a fountain from the neck.

 

“I did lose, but is it really necessary to cuss at me?” Kibum rolls his eyes and pretends it’s the reason he’s upset. He is actually grateful for the expletive because right now Taemin wouldn’t suspect that Kibum is just a sore loser. Not that s aren’t aware that he is inclined to being one on all gaming occasions, but Taemin is someone who always chooses to believe Kibum. Chooses to believe the best about him.

 

“Sorry! It was out of excitement.” Taemin is busy pressing the controller buttons, keying in his name as top scorer. “Minho-hyung would be so pissed when he sees he dropped to second place.”

 

Kibum cannot help smiling at Taemin’s hiccupy laughter and watching his stubby little fingers abuse the console as he gets started on another game.

 

I will confess to him tonight. I will intertwine those fingers with my own and tell him that I only play these stupid video games with him because I’m in love with him. And if he laughs at me, it’s okay. I love his laugh anyway.

 

 

 

2. Piano

 

“You’ve been playing piano a lot lately, Taemin. Didn’t you notice, Kibum?”

 

Kibum looks at Jonghyun, searches his face for any hint that the question was a joke. After all, every time Taemin played the piano in their dorm, Kibum is sitting right next to him, sometimes even singing along with Taemin because their contrasting timbres blend perfectly together.

 

He was about to mock Jonghyun for his absentmindedness when Kibum gets distracted by Taemin’s fingers picking up speed and gliding over the keys. There are times when Taemin gets too caught in the moment of piano playing that nothing can disrupt him.

 

Kibum thanks his lucky stars that Taemin is a pianist; he uses those deft fingers on Kibum’s body until the thunderous crescendo that leaves Kibum hitting a pitch higher in his moan than last encounter’s. Taemin always compliments his skin when they are in bed, so Kibum is compelled to take better care of it, especially that his rival is the smooth ivory keys of Taemin’s piano. He wants Taemin to enjoy playing him just as much, if not more.

 

He is surprised when Taemin replies to Jonghyun’s inquiry, and also relieved because Taemin’s airy voice suddenly interrupts Kibum’s dangerously wandering mind.

 

“Ah, well…” Taemin is blushing but he looks more overjoyed than shy. “I’m in love, hyung.”

 

Jonghyun’s grin turns into an O and his eyes quickly shift from Taemin to Kibum, whom he is now looking at with unmistakable sadness.

 

Wait. He knows how I feel about Taemin? It’s either I at hiding it or Jonghyun is just as perceptive as ever. But he thinks it’s unrequited, how amusing.

 

“Who is it, Taemin? Did you meet someone?”

 

“I did, Jonghyun-hyung. Fourteen years ago.”

 

With the way he and Taemin are now looking at each other, Kibum would’ve forgotten that Jonghyun is in the same room, but the man shrieks at the sudden realization and frantically calls out to Jinki and demands that he steps outside of the bedroom to congratulate their dongsaengs.

 

 

 

3. Gloves

 

“Taemin?”

 

“Yes, Kibum-hyung?”

 

“Everyone’s talking about your ending fairy earlier. We all think it’s cute and hilarious.”

 

“Well, you set all of us up for funny ending fairies in music shows, hyung. Besides, I’m not really good at deliberately wacky facial expressions, so when I saw the camera panning on me during closing, I decided to just lift my gloved hand. I remembered how you found it funny that my fingers couldn’t fill those things when we were holding hands inside the dressing room.”

 

“Yeah, but that was a private moment. It’s something we could laugh at, just us two. I know you’re conscious about your small hands.”

 

“Is that why you approached me when I did my ending fairy?”

 

“Yes, well, I was just worried that it was an unplanned gesture which you might suddenly find embarrassing. I was riding your choice of humor but also wanted to be there that moment for support.”

 

“Do you want to know something, hyung?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

“God, for a second I thought you’d tell me I offended you.”

“I am not too self-conscious about my hands anymore. And I think it’s because of you.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Yeah. You’re always holding my hands or playing with my fingers. Sometimes we’re just watching TV or hanging out with the members and you unconsciously fiddle with them. When we make love, your lips always search for my hands, even if the rest of me is already bare.”

 

“What can I do? I adore your hands, sweetheart. Sure, they don’t fit the usual standards of attractive hands--”

 

“Like yours do, hyung? Your hands .”

 

“We are not talking about my hands. Anyway, yes, your hands are small and the shape of your nails is kinda odd, but these things make them special and actually pretty. Your hands are adorable, so they suit you. If you think my judgment is clouded because I’m your boyfriend, you can look up what our fans think of your hands.”

 

“Do you want to know something, hyung?”

 

“You love me?”

 

“Yes. And I love my hands now because you love them.”

 

 

 

4. Quilt

 

“Ouch!” Taemin pricked his finger for what must be the twentieth time.

 

Kibum tried to endure the hissing and exaggerated sighing, but when Taemin starts to actually whine about quilting, he finally puts down the quilting hoop and crosses his arms over his chest.

 

“Taemin, I don’t know why you’re complaining when we’re almost done here and you only worked on one square. A single square in a whole quilt!”

 

“I think I have the right to complain, hyung, because this wasn’t my idea. You didn’t even consult me first. You just decided on giving my mother a quilt as a gift. And not a store-bought one!”

 

“Oh, thank you for the reminder that this is for your mother! You know she loves these things! Don’t you think she’d be happy to receive a quilt that we made specially for her? And she won’t even know that you just put in 5% effort in this!”

 

“You should have just made her your signature pasta dish! I’m sure she’d be happy with that. Why are you so eager to please her?”

 

“You really don’t know? Taemin, the reason we’re visiting them this weekend is to tell them about us! Anyway, just call them to say our visit is canceled. I suppose there’s nothing to tell them now.”

 

“Are you seriously breaking up with me because of a stupid quilt?”

 

“Screw you! I worked hard on this! I didn’t mind the backache because it’s for your mother, but now it really hurts!” Kibum angrily bundles the quilt in his arms and heads towards the door.

 

“Kibum, where are you going? We already told the members we’re spending the night here at the dorm! Jinki-hyung even cleaned up the whole place.”

 

“You spend the night here. I’m going home to my apartment.”

 

Taemin throws himself in front of the door before Kibum could grab the doorknob.

 

“Step aside, Lee Taemin.”

 

There are two occasions reserved for the use of Taemin’s full name in Kibum’s book— first, when he wants to fondly emphasize the respect he has for Taemin in front of others, and second, when he wants to spit out Taemin’s name with bile that comes from a gut full of contempt.

 

Taemin is aware that this moment falls under the second.

 

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I was ing at you for no reason.”

 

“Just tell me if you’ve changed your mind about telling your parents. Maybe now that it’s just a few days away you realized you’re ashamed of our relationship and it’s not worth all the trouble.”

 

“Hey, that isn’t fair. I was the one who suggested that we visit them together. I will never be ashamed of us, hyung. You know me, I just don’t like making a fuss, but I’m really sorry for acting like a jerk. Please forgive me?”

 

Taemin starts poking at the hole made by Kibum’s closed fist and he inserts his pointer finger to loosen the grip. When Kibum’s hand unfurls, Taemin laces their fingers together.

 

“On one condition— we will visit my folks in Daegu after two weeks.”

 

“Sure, hyung. I would like that, too.”

 

“I’m not done. We will make another quilt. For my mother. And you will help me this time. I mean real help.”

 

Taemin studies the sulky look on Kibum’s face and realizes how much he adores it. Nevertheless, he doesn’t want to push his hyung’s buttons further.

 

“Okay, hyung. Now can we go back to the couch and make out before the others get here? Let’s just finish the quilt later tonight.”

 

Kibum squeezes Taemin’s hand. He will never get over how wonderfully small it is that it fits inside his hand like the smooth, shiny pebble he picked up near a beautiful lake in his hometown and kept in his room for luck.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

 

 

5. Ring

 

There is residue from the thunderstorm in the form of dew and mist on the window of Kibum’s bedroom.

 

It was an out of the blue downpour but it hardly bothered Kibum and Taemin because they had their own bolts of passion going, having just reunited after a difficult period of separation.

 

Taemin was officially discharged from military service in the morning and headed straight to the Lee family home for a lunch celebration. It seemed to Taemin that his mother prepared every dish he had ever loved since the day he was born. They are a small family, so the addition of SHINee, their managers, and Taemin’s closest friends is a relief to him because one practice he imbibed during his time in military camp is ensuring there is no food wasted.

 

At the end of it, there was no food wasted and no time wasted either, for everyone was able to catch up with everyone. Although it was only Taemin who went away, it is only now that the rest of SHINee were able to visit the Lees again.

 

It was already late in the afternoon when he and Kibum stumbled inside the latter’s apartment, fumbling over their shoes and pants and assaulting each other with needy kisses.

 

They were on their second round when heavy rain started beating over the roof, but this usually unnerving noise seemed to egg them on further. It is the perfect weather because they could be very loud and mindless of control. They could rain on each other torrentially and the skies will applaud them.

 

The rain stopped when they themselves were already calm, wrapped in each other’s arms and cocooned inside a cotton duvet. After minutes of silence, Kibum turns to rest on his side and sees Taemin staring at the ceiling, obviously deep in thought.

 

“Babe?”

 

The sound of human voice amid the soft murmurs of the wind outside startles Taemin.

 

“Hyung?”

 

“You’re here now. With me. You don’t have to go back there.”

 

“What makes you think I would ever go back?”

 

“What I mean is you never have to think about it. I know how agonizing it was for you, but you pulled through. You returned to us. To me. So just stay here, okay?”

 

Taemin turns to his side, too, so he is now face to face with Kibum.

 

“Hyung, I know your tendency to behave like you’re tough or unaffected whenever you’re scared. I appreciate that you make that kind of effort for my sake. But I’d like you to trust me more. My faith in you gave me strength when I had none left in me. I want you to trust my strength from now on.”

 

What Kibum had anticipated when he initiated this conversation was for Taemin to unburden his anxieties and he will comfort his boy best he can. He didn’t expect to be the one to break down. Kibum is bawling so hard and clutching the duvet like he has the power to pulverize it.

 

Taemin pulls him into his arms, shushing lovingly into Kibum’s ear.

 

“I was so afraid I’d lose you.”

 

“Hush, hyung. I’m here now. You just told me I don’t have to go back there, but here you are replaying your own agony.”

 

Kibum carelessly wipes his tears away like a little child. “You’re right. I’m sorry. No going back there. Ever.”

 

They decide to move to the couch since they are both sore and staying in bed would make them go at it again and ignore the pain completely. Besides, Commedes and Garcons have been whining outside the bedroom door.

 

They are watching a documentary on Pablo Picasso on National Geographic Channel when Taemin realizes his arm is cramping because Kibum has his hand captive for the whole first segment of the show. Kibum has been holding, fondling, and kissing Taemin’s hand like a prized possession.

 

“You really missed my hands, didn’t you?”

 

“I missed all of you. I just know how much work and chores these hands did the last couple of years, so I’m giving them special attention.”

 

Kibum smiles; Taemin recognizes it as a bashful one because his dimples are showing.

 

“I missed you too, Kibum.”

 

“Do you remember our photoshoot for the Day and Night photobooks? You fell from a bicycle during our break.”

 

“I remember, hyung. We were so young then.”

 

“We were very young. But I remember seeing you fall and I felt my heart stop. It was only when you looked at me with a smile that I felt it beat again. It may have been beating a different way since then.”

 

“Are you saying you fell in love with me the moment I fell from the bike?” Taemin is snickering but also blushing as he recalls the embarrassment of losing his balance.

 

“No, I think I’ve loved you even before that, but that minor accident confirmed just how intense my feelings are. The fear of losing you hit me like a truck. And I’ve been an injured, brutally mangled man since then, just because I fell in love with Lee Taemin.”

 

“It started out romantic until you implied that loving me damaged you.”

 

Kibum laughs out loud but soon grows quiet as he resumes doting on Taemin’s hand. He kisses the knuckles one by one and lets his lips follow the complex trails of veins. Taemin chuckles and turns his attention back to the documentary they’re watching, trying to focus amid the tolerably ticklish feeling of Kibum’s lips, which are now planting little kisses on his fingers.

 

When soft lips are suddenly replaced by something solid, Taemin looks down at his hand quickly and sees a platinum band being slipped on his ring finger.

 

His mouth opens but no words come out, but Taemin is certain his face bears his question.

 

“Am I proposing to you? Well, proposal is too formal, don’t you think? I don’t want you to be pressured into thinking that turning it down is outright rejection. You can treat it like a simple question, which you don’t have to answer right now. Actually, you can even say no, but as long as you keep this ring on, it’ll be like a signal of hope for me. I didn’t do this in front of our family or friends or anyone because I don’t want to put you on the spot. Nevertheless, I’m sorry that I caught you off guard. This doesn’t have to change things between us. Or better yet, you can forget that--”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Wha-yes?”

 

“Yes. I will marry you, Kim Kibum. I don’t care how or where or when.”

 

It is Kibum’s mouth now that falls open but produces no words.

 

He brings a hand over his mouth, concealing his shock. His eyes are misting. It seems as if he’s the one being proposed to.

 

Taemin is laughing unabashedly now. “You are so funny, hyung! Why are you crying? That should’ve been my reaction.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just too sensitive today. I just got you back. And now you’re telling me I’m never ever going to lose you. Old and wrinkly Lee Taemin still busting his moves, or Move, and married to me, Kim Kibum, who still looks like an idol in his prime.”

 

“How is it possible that you’ll end up looking younger than me?”  Taemin is chuckling through Kibum’s laughter. “But I mean it, hyung. I don’t care how, where or when it happens.”

 

“It’s the when that is the trickiest, but let’s not plan it, okay? I trust we’ll both know when it’s time. But even if we get to that point, everything will be a secret. Except to our parents and members, of course. Will you be okay with that?”

 

“That’s kinda cool, hyung. The rest of the world will just think we’re both not interested in settling down and having children. And later on they’d assume that we’re brothers stuck with each other for companionship.”

 

“Oh, people will keep desiring us because they think we’re single.” They both laugh at the silly remark. Kibum thinks their combined weird laughter always adds to the humor of such moments.

 

Kibum remembers the decorative board his mother got for him as a teenager to hang on his bedroom wall. A thin wooden board painted gray with the words Live Laugh Love in different pastel shades. He had always thought how corny and cliché it was.

 

Now he wonders if it got imprinted in his subconscious as a life mission. How lucky he is, though, that he never even had to go on a quest. All he did was board a train to Seoul one day to go on an audition and pursue his dream.

 

He got his dream and became a musician, an artist. He also got Taemin— a dream he wasn’t aware of until the day they first held hands. It was an accident; their positions were messed up after a flurry of congratulatory hugs from fellow artists. But they had to take center stage to acknowledge their rookie award and to bow to the audience. Amidst the joy of winning, Kibum turns to look at Taemin beside him. The angel-faced boy is nowhere near crying, like what the rest of them are doing, but he looks like he’s about to burst from happiness. It’s the biggest little smile Kibum has ever seen in his life. And the most beautiful. So this is it— living, laughing, and loving, he whispered to himself that day.

 

And again today.

 

 

#END#