Sometimes, Soobin felt like he was standing behind a veil, looking at everyone through the fabric. Like everyone was shining but him. He knew it was stupid but that’s how he felt. There was one time he felt like he wasn’t behind it but also like he was literally trying to hide himself behind it: when he was with Yeonjun.

Yeonjun was his best friend. They had met in primary school and had been friends since. They grew up together and knew each other better than anyone. A lot of people didn’t get how they could be friends. Yeonjun was confident and extroverted whereas Soobin was shy and introverted. But they both believed opposites attracted and they didn’t care what people could say. They were best friends, period.

Saying Yeonjun was confident meant that he was confident about everything. About his looks, of course, how could he not, but also about who he was. Yeonjun was openly panual and was never hurt by any word people could throw at him. Yeonjun always told Soobin it was because he knew the people he loved loved him nonetheless. Soobin wished he could feel like that.

You see, Soobin had been questioning himself for some time now. Looking at Yeonjun made him wanna know who he was too. He was Choi Soobin, a 17 years old male. He wasn’t too keen on taking care of himself but he still liked to look good. He never had a girlfriend but it didn’t matter because he knew everyone had their own pace. At least, it didn’t matter until he felt himself changing.

He was talking with Beomgyu when a girl walked by and Beomgyu stopped talking to look at her. He had been amazed at how beautiful she looked but got over it quick and resumed on talking with Soobin. Later on, Soobin saw the same girl again, talking with her friends and, after taking a good look, decided that Beomgyu and him had different tastes in girls.

After this event, Soobin noticed he’d become more aware of all the girls at school. He didn’t know there were so many, maybe because he wasn’t friends with any. But suddenly, girls were all he could see and he, albeit ashamedly, began to rate them. He hated doing that because he felt like he was objectifying them but he also couldn’t help himself. Some he found cute, others average. But the notes he gave them never went above 5/10.

Seeing this, Soobin thought about rating guys. the first one he rated was Beomgyu. He had unknowingly triggered this experiment so he had to be the first subject. Looking objectively at Beomgyu, only taking in count his facial features, Soobin could say he was a strong 8,5. That was the first time he had given such a high note. Keeping it in mind, Soobin began to rate other guys. HueningKai, 9; Taehyun, 7,5; Sunghoon 8. Soobin rated all his friends and all their notes went from 6 to 9.

When Soobin had rated everyone he knew, he noticed he hadn’t given a note to Yeonjun. As they were eating in the cafeteria with their friends, he stared at him. Black hair, perfectly sculpted eyebrows, cat-like eyes, a high nose, cute cheeks, plump lips, a sharp jawline. Soobin felt like he was checking a list of everything that was perfect in Yeonjun. Perfect, 10/10. Soobin gasped and, suddenly, Yeonjun looked at him.

“Binnie? Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?”

‘Handsomeness. You’re so handsome it’s actually ridiculous,’ Soobin thought.

“N-no. I was zoning out. Sorry,” Soobin quietly replied. Yeonjun smiled and kept on bickering with Beomgyu.

Soobin couldn’t believe it. His best friend, Choi Yeonjun, was a 10 out of 10. It did make sense though, he had been suspecting having a crush on Yeonjun for like a couple years already but he had been too embarrassed to admit it to himself. That brought another question though: was Soobin not straight then? If Soobin didn’t really think about it, he’d say no, he might be biual. However, after thinking about it for some time, Soobin realised that he never had a crush on a girl before. And Yeonjun wasn’t the first guy he’s ever had a crush on, he could remember a guy in middle school called Minho who looked pretty cute. So that meant that Soobin was gay, right? he wasn’t sure. Maybe he never met a girl to fit his taste. So many questions and no answer…

After a week of thinking alone, of questioning himself, Soobin felt the need to talk it out with someone. Someone who knew about the topic. So, of course, he went to the person he trusted the most in the world…

“Yeonjun-ah, can I talk to you?” Soobin asked Yeonjun.

Yeonjun was talking with some friends from his dance class. Sensing something was off, Yeonjun quickly bid goodbye to his friends and went with Soobin.

“What is it Binnie? Are you okay? You seem nervous,” Yeonjun said, linking arms with him and taking the way that lead to Soobin’s house.

Soobin felt his body warming up at the touch but didn’t say or do anything.

“It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I needed to talk to someone,” Soobin slowly began. “Can I ask some questions?”

“Of course. I’ll do my best to help you.”

“How did you know you were panual?” Soobin quietly asked.

Yeonjun smiled and began to think about it.

“Well, it was a long process. I realised it quite early as you know, but it wasn’t that simple.”

“What was the process?” Soobin asked, serious.

“I thought about it a lot. I watched movies, I read books. It was always a heteroual relationship. It didn’t bother me that much, I just wanted more homoual representation. It was hard to find this kind of content but I managed. And, one day, I stumbled upon a panual character in a book. The girl was the protagonist and I found myself relating to what she was feeling when meeting a new love interest. She looked at the human being, not at the gender. She didn’t care if her significant other was a girl, a boy or non-binary. She just loved them for who they were, for their personality. And I found myself thinking the same,” Yeonjun simply explained.

Soobin nodded in understanding.

“But you never dated though,” he stated.

“Because I haven’t dated don’t mean I never felt anything for someone,” Yeonjun said, giggling.

“You’ve had crushes?” Soobin asked, surprised. “But you never told me anything!”

“But why are we talking about this? Are you questioning yourself?” Yeonjun said, changing topics.

They had arrived at Soobin’s and entered, going straight to Soobin’s room.

“I think I’m done questioning to be honest.”

“So, what’s the answer?” Yeonjun asked, curious.

“I’m gay,” Soobin said, lying down on his bed.

A little silence took place before Yeonjun smiled.

“Welcome, Choi Gay Soobin,” he said, lying down next to Soobin and making him laugh. “How did you know?”

Soobin hesitated. Should he be honest or should he leave the moment he actually acknowledged his feelings for Yeonjun out?

“Some weeks ago, I was talking with Beomgyu and when a girl walked by, he stopped talking, apparently amazed by her beauty. I saw her again later on and thought she wasn’t that beautiful. After this... I began rating girls around campus,” Soobin explained, wincing at his own words.

“You didn’t!” Yeonjun exclaimed, a wide smile on his face.

“I did. I also did the same with boys and... well, let’s say guys are prettier than girls. I also discovered something else...” Soobin said, unsure.

After some moments of total silence, Yeonjun spoke.

“Don’t tell me you have a crush on someone...” he tried.

Soobin noticed his voice sounded weird. He turned to look at him, Yeonjun’s face was too expressive for his own good. Yeonjun couldn’t lie so did his face. Seeing how disheartened he looked as he stared at the ceiling, Soobin knew something was wrong.

“What if I said yes?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper. He was afraid that by talking louder he would break the kind of bubble that had appeared around them.

“I don’t know. If it’s mutual, I’d be happy for you, of course,” Yeonjun replied, a smile on his face. Soobin winced once again. It felt wrong to see the fake smile on Yeonjun’s beautiful face.

“You tell me, then, if it’s mutual,” Soobin stated, looking at the ceiling and closing his eyes.

He heard Yeonjun take a sharp intake of breath and waited. When he felt tears coming, sure that he had ruined their friendship forever, he felt Yeonjun grab his hand and squeeze it.

“We grew up together. We know each other better than anyone, I don’t think our parents know us as well as we do. I am deeply touched that you trusted me enough to tell me first about your questioning and what you discovered about yourself. You’ve been honest with me and I owe you the same now,” Yeonjun said, holding Soobin’s hand a bit tighter. “There was this boy in middle school when I read that book which made me realise I was pan. I pictured myself as the protagonist and I pictured the significant other as that boy. He was the sweetest, kindest, loveliest person I’ve ever met and he was so precious to me. When I finally listened to my heart, that thing which was about to burst every time I was close to him, I was terrified. Terrified of what my feelings could do to our relationship. He was my best friend, my soulmate. And I was so in love with him, it was actually ridiculous. But he never told me anything about how he felt. I knew he loved me but like a brother, and only like a brother.”

Yeonjun’s voice wavered at the end, from the emotion Soobin knew it. He squeezed Yeonjun’s hand back and felt the tears fall through his closed eyes.

“I love you. I love you so much, like a brother but also like a man. You are the best thing that happened in my life and I’m sorry it took me years to see the light. Looking at you, seeing how bright you were shining was both fascinating and scary to me. Because you look so beautiful, shining like you do, being unapologetically yourself. I’ve always envied you but was also afraid to be like you. Now, I know that if you’re here, by my side, I can be myself, unafraid because you’ll always support me, just like I’ll always support you. I love you, Jun-ah.”

Yeonjun turned towards Soobin, made the latter face him and left a chaste kiss on his lips. Soobin smiled widely and opened his eyes. Yeonjun was wearing the same silly smile he knew he had on his face. His eyes were sparkling and Soobin knew it wasn’t a dream because he could never picture Yeonjun’s face so perfectly in his dreams.

“I love you too, Binnie,” Yeonjun replied, leaving another chaste kiss on Soobin’s lips. And on his nose. And cheeks. And forehead. And everywhere on his face until Soobin was a giggling mess.

Sometimes, Soobin felt like he was standing behind a veil, looking at everyone through the fabric. Little did he know that, getting rid of the veil was so much better than he ever could have imagined. How good it felt to know yourself and to shine, letting the world know who  you are.