Title: 5/5

The title is interesting, simple, it leaves enough room for the readers to wonder what the story is about, and it relates to the story.

Poster/background/appearance: 6.5/10

I'm not a big fan of the background. As for the poster: I have an issue with that lamp-like object because I have no idea what it is, and thus, I spend more time looking at it, trying to figure out what it is rather than actually reading the story.

Description/Foreword: 6/10

Most people believe our “sacrifices” are simple things: leaving our homes, starving our relationships, even sacrificing our youth. And indeed, our niches as celebrities do involve all of this – that is, once we obtain it. <-- I think you should combine these two sentences; however, you do not have to. I just believe it'll sound and flow better to the reader if you do.

Otherwise, I love the description.

As for the forewords:

This story was created response almost a year ago in response to the our challenge from Music Chibi: <--you forgot the "in" before "response". In addition to that, you add a "the" in "to the our challenge", and my account name is one word (although the account name-thing I'm not docking points for).

We chose to write a story probably unlike any other about a Jaejoong who was a prince of his own... <--should be the start of a new paragraph.

In truth, this story was finished long ago however we at ObsidianTheatre were unable to create our own original poster. <--comma after "ago".

I would like to thank Sherinahime for the beautiful poster which is the sole reason why the story is finally up. I truly hope that you will enjoy this piece and continue to support us! <--comma after "poster" and before "which".

Creativity/Plot Twisters: 20/20

Honestly, I was not expecting such a twisted story, but I should've, knowing you and the stories you've written. Either way, I enjoyed it. The ending, we knew, but continued to read. It was enticing, and the fact that the little girl knew--even if that is somewhat common--was perfect for the story. Fantastic job!

Flow/Detail: 4/10

I'll admit I did not like the time skips. I think you should've had a few more paragraphs where he droned and babbled about his conflicting emotions, as well as body language and maybe a bit more of a back story. It would've been nice to have more information about the others, although that can be a choice of style, but--to be honest--this would be a great opening to a series.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/20

A hidden restaurant, almost like a secret oasis, stood undaunted by the hustle and turmoil of the streets of Tokyo. <--this is more personal preference, but I'd drop the "almost", since it does nothing for the sentence.

It was quiet, calm, and serene - despite finding its home on one of the busiest streets of the country. <--don't use a hyphen, use a dash.

I strode down the road leading to the restaurant, seeking a safe and undetected place from being recognized by Dong Bang Shin Ki Fanatics. I am Kim Jaejoong after all. <--should be a new paragraph and comma before "after all".

The family whom owned the small sanctuary, like the restaurant itself, were a kind… <--"were" should be "was" because, although "the family" is plural, it is treated as a singular object, and thus, it should be was.

…blissfully ignorant of the high stakes world around it. <--reword.

To be reborn in a family like them would be - <--use a dash, not a hyphen.

The girl blinked at me expectedly before resorting to a puppy-dog plea, “please Onii-sama?” <--capitalize the "P" in "please" since it's the start of a new sentence (so to speak).

“My name Yuuki-san? I don’t have a name” I teased, closing my eyes once again. <--you forgot to put a comma after "name".

I’m Korean am I not? <--comma after "Korean".

I’m a singer Yuuki-san,” I said, knowingly provoking a scowl out of her, “I came from Korea to sing.” Yuuki didn’t reply. <--you forgot a quotation mark at the beginning of your dialogue.

At a concert which the “they” ordered to take place <--drop the "the" before "they".

“He loves me too of course, but he said that it should be a boy to take over the restaurant.” <--comma before "of course".

I'm not going to go through it all, but remember to use dashes instead of hyphens in most situations unless you're combing two words together. I suggest doing research on the dash and the hyphen. You also have a tendency to miss some commas and little mistakes that you can fix by having a beta reader or proof reading your story, but other than that, the only mistake I can pick on is using passive voice. Everyone uses it, but the more you can avoid it, the better.

P.S. Sometimes, it's better to be informal and use common words rather than throwing your dictionary and vocabulary around so the sentences sound intelligent, but make no sense to the average reader, who will not look up words (and thus, what you're attempting to say is lost).

Characterization: 7/10

I saw the struggle and I thought you characterization of the 9 year old girl was great, but she seemed younger (the way you made her act). Perhaps lowering her age would be better. Another reason I docked you points, though, was because--again--I thought there should've been more of a conflict for Jaejoong, unless--of course--you weren't lying about him having done this multiple times. Then, the conflict should be gone, unless you wanted him to fight himself and think about all those murders he had previously done (so you could've mentioned his stomach leeching in disgust and so on and so forth). They're just minor things.

Writing Style: 6.5/10

I cannot! <--I think being formal in this case will destroy your flow, so next time, think about choosing between cannot and can't, since in this situation, can't would've been the better choice.

She was absolutely unaccountable to her fate. <--drop the extra words (in this case, absolutely)

I felt as though this was a little rushed. I enjoyed the fact that you developed a relationship between the two, but the inner turmoil that Jaejoong was going through was… worded awkwardly (for the lack of a better term) and I believe it's your style of writing. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that your vocabulary is so vast, but sometimes it is better to use the most common word, rather than the fancy words that you hear from Sherlock (or someone similar to that).

Extras: 5/5

I enjoyed this story. It was enthralling, even though I knew the ending. I continued to read, despite the forewarnings and everything; it was great. The ending, although abrupt, was perfect. Extraordinary job well done!

Overall: 63.5/100

Comments: I know the score is low, and I honestly didn't expect it to be so low, but I didn't realize all those little points I docked would take so much off. I enjoyed the story, it was a great read, but there were minor issues that I mentioned throughout the review, so I hope you understand. I hope you learn from this review, though. I applaud you on a job well done.

[A/N:  To be honest, Hisoka and I are both a bit disappointed with this mark, especially how instead of improving from out last review from MusicChibi, we dropped farther. Hisoka has been writing in a formal tone with the use of “fancy words” for many years now, it’s just part of who she is as a writer (and I can testify the fact that she doesn’t ever touch a thesaurus).  Nevertheless, we are thankful  to MusicChibi’s review ]