“Ask again, when you’ve made a name for yourself.”

Han Dong sighed in front of the mirror while putting her final touch of makeup. She never went for something too extravagant but she liked when people noticed it. Tonight, specifically, she wanted Gahyeon to notice it. 

“I became the third most hired hacker in two years.”

“So?”

“Will you have dinner with me?”

She hadn’t chosen somewhere that was too fancy for their first date. She figured it would be weird. Weirder than it already was anyway. Two years. She had waited two years for this chance. By now, she was certain that Gahyeon actually wanted this, that she wasn’t acting out of some fantasy in her head. 

They had been close before, as close as you can be with a teenager four years younger than you. Han Dong didn’t think much of her then. She was smart and funny, and bold, way too bold. She believed Gahyeon actually didn’t think much of her either. They got along well and that was it. But something changed when she grew older. 

The car stopped on the side of the road, not right in front of the restaurant, a street before. Her bodyguards followed her at a reasonable distance. JiU was one of the two. She always was. 

A glance ahead and she immediately noticed the one she was looking for. Gahyeon always stood out with her pink hair. Sometimes she wore it in space buns but for the occasion she was wearing it down in a loose braid on the side. Beautiful. Everything about her was beautiful. Her mischievous eyes, her curled up lips when she saw Han Dong approaching, her confident and playful stand when they met. 

“Did I make you wait?” the oldest asked. 

“Don’t worry, I just got here.”

The hacker glanced over her date’s shoulder and immediately saw the bodyguards casually waiting near the entrance, as if they were ordinary customers. Han Dong saw and winced a little. 

“Someone like me can’t go outside unescorted. Does it weird you out?”

Gahyeon looked into her eyes, it was hard to tell what she was looking for in them but she smiled and shook her head:

“We’re right on time for the reservation. Should we go inside?”

Dong smiled back. First difficulty: cleared. She invited her date to go first with a courteous movement of the arm and followed suit. 

 

Gahyeon had dated women before. Men too. It had never lasted long though. Sometimes it was simply a lack of chemistry, one of them was too into it or not enough, they weren't on the same page. A few times it had been because of her. There were things she wasn't able to do even when she forced herself. When the other forced, it was her limit. When she said no, she meant it. 

Overall it had comforted her in her idea that she really wanted Han Dong. She couldn’t place back precisely when she had formulated that thought clearly in her mind. She knew she was around eighteen. She had “infiltrated” the Han mansion again and Dong was watching over her from the stairs with her amused smile, waiting for JiU to finish her scolding. Gahyeon looked up, caught the woman’s gaze and thought that she really wanted to have that smile in her life. 

“This place specializes in Chinese food, but they also have Korean dishes if you prefer.”

Gahyeon’s mind went back to the present. They were seated at a quiet part of the dining room, at the back near the wall. Jiu and the other bodyguard were at a table not too far from them but far enough to make themselves almost forgettable in the background. Han Dong had thought about everything, or maybe this was just natural to her at this point. 

“Chinese is fine. I figure that if you chose that place, it means the chef is decent.”

Her date laughed. It was always a charming sound: deep and slightly snobbish. 

“I do have high standards for approximately everything.”

“And every-one,” Gahyeon added. 

Han Dong kept her smile but a shadow passed over her eyes. 

“Is that about the bet?”

“Hmm Maybe ?” 

They both chuckled. At least there were no hard feelings. 

“I’m really glad you didn’t give up,” the mafia boss said. “And I’m sorry if it felt like you weren’t enough. It wasn’t that.”

Han Dong’s answer had surprised just about everyone she knew. No one understood why she had to phrase her rejection like that, except only Gahyeon understood it wasn’t a rejection at all. 

The hacker was eighteen, she had been at the Han mansion awfully often, and she had finally mustered the courage to ask her out. “Will you have dinner with me?” And then Han Dong panicked. She was twenty-two, she was at the head of a mafia and Gahyeon was her associate’s protégé. The hacker was also becoming a very interesting young woman. Still bold, but more mature. And that young woman wanted her. Why? Out of all her choices, why was she looking for danger?

“Ask again when you’ve made a name for yourself.” That was the best answer Dong could come up with. She regretted it instantly. She wanted to give Gahyeon a chance to back out, reconsider her choices. She hadn’t thought about herself. She never thought she would want Gahyeon to ask her out again that much. But the bet was on. 

“I know,” Gahyeon answered, this time much more seriously. “I was eighteen. You hadn’t considered me like that before.”

“I was surprised.”

“What changed?”

“You.” – Dong smirked when Gahyeon raised her brows – “You’re a brilliant woman Gahyeon. I rarely meet people as strong as you.”

She sincerely meant it and it showed. By some unexplainable strength of the mind, Gahyeon was able to keep some form of composure. Right on time for the waiter to come for their orders. When he left their table, Han Dong was looking at her, expecting and worried she had come off too strong. 

“I’m not strong compared to you, ‘Tiger of the East’,” the pink-haired deflected, although the red on her cheeks betrayed her emotions. 

“Please,” the other woman scoffed awkwardly, “that nickname is embarrassing.”

“No, it’s not!” Gahyeon protested. “It’s so cool! Why the East though?”

Han Dong’s eyes rested on her for a few seconds with a little spark of malice caught in them. 

“Hmm, so not as brilliant as I thought.”

“Hey!”

They both laughed again. Gahyeon’s pout was adorable when she faked anger. So far from the first time Dong had met her, crying in Siyeon’s arms, almost because she had just been saved from Wang Zhang Wei’s harem. That image had been stuck in her head for a while. 

Gahyeon was strong. She had survived so many things, endured so much on her own. Was she right to claim her love? The Han mafia wasn’t so different from the Wangs. She had stopped the family’s involvement in human trafficking when Siyeon became her associate, but it wasn’t enough. Gahyeon should run away from that world. 

The pink-haired was looking at her with a more concerned look now. Han Dong had been in her thoughts for too long. 

“It’s because of my name,” she picked up. “It’s written with the Chinese character for East.”

“It’s funny, because traditionally the White Tiger guards the West.”

“I take back what I said.” –Dong punctuated the sentence with a smile that was well received.– “But I don’t think my parents thought I would be in this position when they gave me that name. My brother was always supposed to lead our family. He was the Tiger of the West and I was the guardian of the East. Two inseparable forces.”

Gahyeon paused. She wasn’t sure she should say something after that. She had learned from others how Dong’s family had been murdered by their rivals. The young woman was supposed to be with them that night but claimed to be sick and didn’t go to the restaurant. It saved her life. But because of that, many made the hypothesis that she had orchestrated the murder herself to take the head of the Han clan. She hadn’t though. She suffered from that loss ever since. 

“You must miss them a lot.”

Han Dong’s eyes were shining with tears that refused to fall. She didn’t talk about that. She didn’t even know why she had brought up the subject. People needed her to act strong. Gahyeon was one of the rare ones who made her feel like she didn’t have to. 

“I do. I miss them every day.”

The waiter came again with their dishes and put the plates in front of them. His conversation was short-lived, strictly professional and he was out of their view before it could become too much. 

Dong waited and reached for her glass of liquor to regain some composure and chase those damn tears. Gahyeon grasped her hand and squeezed a little.

“See? You’re strong.”

 

When the dinner came to an end, it was well into the night. No one in the establishment dared to ask the leader of the Han family to leave her table at the end of the service. In the empty dining room, the two body guards became far more noticeable. They had moved to the counter, but this time it didn't do the trick. 

Dong stood up first, offered to pay for her date, but the hacker refused. She was the third best after all, money wasn't a problem anymore. Outside, the air was cold, not the kind of weather suited to walk the rest of the night away. Gahyeon was starting to shiver, a little hiss escaped .

“Do you want a ride home?” 

Han Dong wanted to ask her to come to her place, but after that night she didn't feel like it would be a good ending. Looking at Gahyeon's gaze, though, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. 

“Or you can come over? Just for a drink,” she added quickly. “There's no obligation.”

“Just for a drink,” Gahyeon answered, still unsure. 

Dong nodded immediately and asked her guard to get the car. When he was gone, she felt a hand grasping hers, fingers entangling with hers. 

“But before that, there's something I want to do.”

Gahyeon moved closer to her. Her eyes went from Han Dong's own, to her lips. She was smaller, so she needed to stretch to get access. When the Chinese woman felt the warm breath against her skin she bent to reach the expectations. Their lips met. Gahyeon moved faster, she took all she wanted and Han Dong let her. 

They only separated when the car stopped in front of them. There was not an ounce of embarrassment when they looked at the driver who opened the door for them. Dong's arm moved around Gahyeon's shoulders on instinct. A gesture that meant both “must protect” and “mine.” The hacker looked slightly dazed. She let her future girlfriend lead her inside the car and let the driver take them into the night. 

 

***

 

Han Dong was not always the perfect partner, she was perfectly aware of that. She had been afraid many times to not be able to do the right thing. The first time she ever got scared happened a few weeks after that dinner date. 

She and Gahyeon had gone on many dates and kissed many times. However, one night they felt like they were ready for more. The hacker's kisses became more insistent, her hands wandered on the buttons of Han Dong's shirt. It all went fast. The other took the lead. Their clothes were off and tossed quickly. When all that was left was Gahyeon's pants, her girlfriend stopped. 

“Are you sure?” 

The pink-haired looked deep into those blue eyes staring at her. If she had said no, Dong would have stopped right away, no questions asked. That was the reason why, on that night, she wanted to say yes. So they continued. 

However, Dong would always remember how Gahyeon’s body froze under her kisses that went lower and lower near her stomach and below. How she stopped responding and closed her eyes so tightly as if she was readying herself for the worst. It felt wrong.

“Gahyeon? Are you all right?”

“C–Can we stop?” the weak voice of her girlfriend answered.

“Of course,” Dong blurted, embarrassed and confused. “Oh my God, Gahyeon, of course!” 

 She got off the shorter woman in a rush. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She knew she hadn’t. She had asked. She had stopped. So why was she feeling so powerless? Why was everything feeling like it was falling apart? 

“What’s happening?”

Tears were streaming down Gahyeon’s cheeks uncontrollably. 

“I just– I’m sorry, I can’t. I just can’t.” 

The girl’s voice was broken by her sobs and her gasps. Her chest moved fast as if she was constantly looking for air. Dong watched, tried to advance a hand on the other’s shoulder, only got her to sit further away, gave up. 

“Gahyeon, please talk to me,” she pleaded.

“I need to be alone. Please, Dongie.”

Her girlfriend paused, trying not to show she was hurt. There was nothing more shameful than being unable to help the one she loved. For the mafia leader it was a confession of weakness, a fault. Failure had never tasted good on anyone’s tongue, but on Han Dong’s it was the most despicable flavor. 

She remained composed though. She stood up, watched as her girlfriend collapsed in front of and away from her, tried to repress the bite she knew was coming in her next answer and managed in a blank voice:

“I’ll leave you alone then.” 

Dong got dressed, took a few things from the room that was originally hers and exited silently. 

In the middle of the night, Gahyeon didn’t know exactly what to do after she managed to calm down on her own, which by itself took her an hour. Going back home alone didn’t seem like an option. There was only one thing left. 

 

***

 

Siyeon and Bora’s apartment bell rang in the night. They weren’t expecting anyone, so, of course, Bora got her heavy pistol ready, slightly hidden along her thigh. She dropped it the second she saw Gahyeon. 

 

“What happened?” Siyeon asked eventually. 

Gahyeon was sitting on the couch between them. She hadn’t said a word except for a weak “can I come in” when she passed the door. The blond didn’t really know what to do. Neither did Bora. They could see she had cried. She knew where she was supposed to be. Some connections were forming in their minds but nothing was for certain, nothing could be for certain, until the hacker spoke. 

“I said no.”

“To what?”

The awkward lack of answer told Siyeon all she needed to know. Oh. Her arms folded around Gahyeon and drew the girl close to her chest. It was similar to what she did when Gahyeon was younger. A lot had changed since then but at the same time a lot had stayed the same. She still felt so small in her arms. 

“Did she force you?” Bora asked this time, barely containing her anger, already imagining the worst.

“No!” Gahyeon jumped to tell. “No, she didn’t do anything wrong. She stopped and she left me alone.”

“She didn’t hurt you?”

“I swear…”

“Because if she did, I don’t care who she is, I will lodge a bullet between her eyes…”

“Unnie, I swear, she didn’t do anything.”

The two older women both sighed in relief, but it didn’t mean it was the end of their worries. 

“How bad was it then?” Siyeon asked softly. 

She was talking about the panic attack now. It was something they had taught Gahyeon not to be ashamed of, but sometimes it's not easy to go against oneself. The girl was ashamed. Every time it happened she had this sinking feeling of not being enough for the other person. 

“It was a really bad one. I couldn't control it so I asked her to leave. She seemed so hurt. Her eyes… Her eyes were so cold,” the girl felt tightening. The tears were already so close. “Unnie, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know – I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be with someone.”

Siyeon let out a few words of contestation before settling Gahyeon’s head in the crook of her neck to kiss the top of her head. Her long fingers ran through the girl’s pink hair, gently, slowly. Her skin was soon wet by tears, she only hugged tighter. Bora was there too, placing a hand on the hacker’s shoulder, warming her back with her presence, whispering reassuring words. Telling her to let go. 

“She’ll understand,” Siyeon soothed. “If she doesn’t, she’s not the one.”

“It’s always a shock the first time, you know,” Bora tried to comfort her in a very sweet voice. “I didn’t really know how to react either.”

Gahyeon switched position to glance at Bora. 

“Really?”

The solo’s eyes perked up to meet her lover’s. Siyeon was looking at her with an agreeing expression, the validation to go on. It was funny in a way that they never told the younger one before. Or maybe “funny” wasn’t the right word. It was stupid. Bora felt a little stupid for never telling that story before. 

“Maybe it was because it wasn’t the first time we were doing… it.” They all knew what she meant, she still couldn’t say it. “So I was taken aback when it happened all of a sudden. And, I know it was really stupid, but I was hurt because I felt rejected. And I know that’s not what was happening, but at the time… at the time that’s how I felt.”

Her eyes were looking into Siyeon’s again with so many regrets trapped in them. She felt the blonde’s hand holding hers, her thumb caressing her skin. It didn’t matter now. It wasn’t her fault she was only human. They all had their failures, their moments of doubt that made them fallible. Whether they loved each other despite that or because of that, it was hard to tell sometimes. 

“How did you resolve it?”

“We talked.”

Siyeon heard some tears in her voice as she said those words. She composed herself. 

“We talked,” she said again in a much more assured voice. “And you’ll have to talk to Han Dong too. But not right now. Just rest first, ok?”

“Ok,” the girl muttered.

“I don’t know how it will go, but you’ll be fine. No matter what, you’ll have us.” 

 

***

 

“You seem troubled, Ma’am.”

It had been an hour, maybe two, Han Dong wasn’t counting, since she had sat at her desk and accomplished absolutely nothing under the quiet scrutiny of her bodyguard. In ordinary circumstances, Minji would have never dared to question, even less remark upon, her boss’s unusual behavior. However, the atmosphere in the room wasn’t the atmosphere of ordinary circumstances. Nope. The bodyguard was sure of it, this had all the characteristics of brooding. 

“Minji, I think I screwed up.”

The purple-haired couldn’t remember the last time something like that had happened. Just the two of them — her employer and herself — dropping the masks. 

“What happened, exactly?”

It happened a lot more often at the beginning of her contract though, these kinds of situations. Han Dong had been raised cold, calculating, fearless, all in the sake of the organization, but she had never expected the unthinkable to happen. She had never expected her father and brother to be assassinated. She had never expected herself to be the only heir left of the Han family. Twenty years old, it wasn’t too young but it certainly wasn’t old enough to shoulder everything alone: the duty, the pride, the hate. 

She had asked Minji personally if she wanted to work for her. One thing Han Dong had always been, even outside her upbringing, was smart. The bounty hunter known as JiU was a legend, one of the three individuals who eliminated Odd Eye, the City’s biggest threat in recent history. Having her on her side, it meant something. It was a threat to the other groups, a statement: “what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.” She had lost a father and a brother, she had gained rage. 

At that point in her life, Minji had stopped fighting for something. She was just murdering freely instead. Almost freely anyway. She still had the bills to pay. Bora used to say that in their line of work people go numb or they go nuts. Minji had gone numb first, after that, she was afraid she was going nuts. 

Then, Han Dong came, found her real identity, showed up in her apartment, didn’t bother to openly threaten her with weapons –when you go that far, you don’t need to– and asked her to work for her. The solo couldn’t tell what drove her to accept back then. A survival instinct. The fear of drowning.

She was made the heiress’s personal guard and never left her side since. She grew attached. People would mock her loyalty, but not everyone can say they saw their boss cry the way she saw Han Dong cry. Her determination to avenge her family, to restore the Hans at the top of the mafia world, caused her to burst sometimes. Frustration of not being enough. Fear of failure. Just the resentment of being the only one left. It took a lot of strength to show those to someone else and to hide it from the rest of the world. 

“Gahyeon left. She didn’t say anything, hasn’t tried to contact me. I don’t know what I should do.”

As her personal guard, Minji had had plenty of time to get a good idea of who Han Dong was. The mafia leader had certainties that she disguised as doubts and doubts that one had to read between her certainties. Most of the time when she was asking a question she had already found her answer and when she was exposing facts she was waiting for someone to make another proposition. 

“What did she say?”

“She said she wanted to be alone.”

The bodyguard waited.

“I should let her contact me first.”

It was a good conclusion but it sounded incomplete. The purple head studied her boss more carefully. Maybe she needed a little push this time. 

“Ma’am, you do remember who Gahyeon is?”

The Chinese woman casted a no- glance at her guard which didn’t destabilize her at all, because it wasn’t the point she wanted to make. 

“This isn’t against you. This has probably nothing to do with you.”

Han Dong paused, something she had already done, but not really. She had stopped thinking properly approximately a night ago. This wasn’t about her. It was about Gahyeon and about what had been done to her. This was about what she needed now. 

The mafia boss sighed deeply. 

“I really screwed up.”

 

***

 

            What happened next was an excruciating wait of five days. It was nothing compared to the two years she had already waited, but it felt way worse. Until finally:

Gahyeonie: Can we talk? 

The Chinese woman didn’t answer right away, although she could have. She waited about ten minutes to cool off and then texted back: 

Our place, tonight, 8pm. 

Their place was Dong’s private suite within the Han mansion. One of the safest places in the City, not even exaggerated. Gahyeon came precisely on time, extremely nervous, even with the guards whom she had never cared about before. 

Han Dong wasn’t sure if they should have their conversation in the bedroom or not, considering what happened. But it was what felt the more intimate, the less threatening. The mafia boss sat on the bed, her girlfriend followed. She hadn’t looked her in the eyes yet. Dong could hear her harsh breathing. It was painful to wait. 

“I’m sorry,” Gahyeon began.

“Don’t ever say those words to me.”

It sounded too much like an order Han Dong realized. It always did when she was upset. Out of habit perhaps. 

“You did nothing wrong,” the Chinese woman picked up with a softer voice. 

“I panicked,” Gahyeon started again but couldn’t go further.

What she wanted to say was stuck in . It was so simple though. When she revised it in her head it flowed perfectly: “I panic when I have and I'm sorry I can't do better for you.” That was all she wanted to say. Her girlfriend observed and decided to put an end to the struggle.

“I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized how fast this was going for you. I should have been more careful. I should have known.” 

Known what? It was hard to tell even with the emphasis. She should have known it wouldn't work? She should have known Gahyeon would panic because of all the abuse she already received? Where was she going with it? 

“If you don’t feel safe with me after that, I’ll understand.”

This one sounded like a lame break up line. Gahyeon stared at her with wide questioning eyes, not knowing if she should fight for her or let her go. Was it really going to end like this? At least this time she didn't have to force herself to do anything. At least this time the other person stopped. If she had to go, at least she wanted to say that. 

“Do you know that most of the people I’ve been with didn’t even bother to stop? They didn't even notice something was wrong as long as they could get what they wanted.”

Han Dong listened. That news infuriated her beyond measure, but she said nothing. 

“Do you know how relieved I was when, the first time you invited me over, it was actually just to have a drink? Do you really think that I don’t feel safe with you? When you ask every time if I'm ok? When you don't mention my nightmares even if I'm sure you’re wondering why I scream in my sleep?” 

It was true. Han Dong had to wake her up from her sleep a few times because she was screaming. Gahyeon never said anything about those nightmares. She just cried in her lover's arms until the storm had passed. The Chinese woman was afraid to ask. She just hoped that the younger one would tell her if she felt comfortable.

“If anything, I wanted to please you.”

Dong felt her chest tighten. Those weren't the words of a lover. She wasn't looking for someone to just please her. She had never thought of Gahyeon for that, she would never think of Gahyeon just for that. 

“Stop.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want.”

“I don’t want you to be my slave, Gahyeon!”

There, she had said it. It had created a shock, a tidal wave of sorts that was still running behind Gahyeon’s eyes, ricocheting. They were the words none of them had used but they had always been there, like a shadow in Gahyeon’s existence.

The younger one hadn’t realised until then that a part of her had never left those guest bedrooms where she was expected to comply to anything that was asked of her. No matter what she did, she kept going back there. Now, she could even less understand why someone like Han Dong would want her. Their time together resembled a farce. A stupid hacker with the White Tiger of the East.

They should have stayed as they were. Gahyeon shouldn’t have tried to be more for her. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t.  

“I’m just too damaged.”

The words escaped the hacker’s lips on their own. She had never formulated it like that but if she was saying it now it must have been true. That was how she felt. She was damaged beyond repair.

“You’re not damaged.”

“Don't lie.”

Gahyeon's lips were quivering. It was hard to contain the sobs. Her teary eyes pleaded for Han Dong to stop. Stop what? She didn't know. Stop pitying her. Stop accepting her. It was easier to throw her away. Like her parents did. Like her clients did after they were done. Just throw her away and give her to someone else. She didn't deserve the affection she received. 

“You're hurt. You're wounded, but you still fight.”

“Stop.”

“You’re beautiful. And you don’t have to please me or do what I want. You just have to be you. I want all of you.”

This was impossible. No one should want her after what happened. No one had wanted her after what happened. 

“Even the scars?” Gahyeon asked in a broken voice. 

“Yes, even the scars,” Dong answered softly, wiping the tears from her lover’s cheek with her thumb.

“And the nightmares?”

“I don't care if you wake me up, as long as it's next to you.”

A laugh escaped between the tears. Gahyeon stumbled weakly in her girlfriend’s arms. Dong held her tight, breathing in the fragrance that perfumed her lover’s hair. A note of Vanilla mixed with orange. It was very soothing. Gahyeon was hers. But not in the way she had been Wang's. Not in the way she had been anyone's. 

“Can this be real?” the girl asked between the older one's arms.

Han Dong's grip on Gahyeon's back got tighter. She burrowed her face in her lover's neck to hide the tears that were already rolling down her cheeks. All the tension and doubts were leaving her body. She was so drained. 

“To the other's we might have to be the Tiger of the East and one of the best hackers in the City. But you're just a girl who was sold by her family and I’m just a girl who lost hers. We can be together like that, just the two of us.”

“Just the two of us,” Gahyeon whispered back between her sobs.