"It's only gonna get better from here, babe."

Hyukjae's drunk. He hadn't intended to, but once he started drinking, he couldn't stop. The alcohol is chipping away his defenses, and all the hurt he's been feeling and desperately denying the past few days came to resurface with every jug of beer he drank.

It's New Year's day yet he's spending this supposed momentous day getting wasted with his drunkard friends. 

He takes another swig from his beer and harshly wipes the froth from his mouth. He sneers at the brief summary of his year—he's drunk, single, almost 30, missing his childhood, and still stupidly in love with Donghae.

ing Donghae. He scowls at the thought of his name. But goddamn, his name is a hundred times more powerful and effective than the alcohol at intoxicating and warming him from the inside out. 

"The ing still thinks, after all these years, that what we're doing is fanservice." Hyukjae huffs and puffs like the big bad wolf who hasn't gotten its meal. "Fanservice, my . I've all been touchy-feely, flirty, sappy, romantic! I look at him like he's a ing unicorn who spits and s rainbow! I've done it all, but the idiot still hasn't got a clue. What more does he need?!"

Hyukjae looks around, breathless, after his long tirade. His friends are all knocked unconscious. What a mess. Now, he had to take care of these single es and bring them home to nobody. What a shame. Hyukjae feels a pang of loneliness because somehow, he's the same. He's going to get home and the darkness and silence are all that's going to greet him. And he's going to take care of himself until he gets sober—he's tired and sick of it all. Hyukjae's always been independent, and he hasn't tried to deny how comfortable he is with solitude. He's always been so self-sufficient and others admire him for it. But it's all just on the surface. There's more to him than that. 

Underneath his independence is a lonely individual who craves to be touched and pampered. He wants to be taken care of—to be held with such tenderness it'd be almost painful. He wishes to know how it feels like to be cradled to sleep because he's sick and tired of going to bed alone with his thoughts. In moments like these, when he's vulnerable and exhausted, all he ever wanted was to get home to someone. He could easily settle down. He has saved enough to last him and his future family for years. He's not the best looking but girls go cuckoo for him. He could snag any woman he wants, make her his wife, mother his children, and be his forever home. But no matter how many women he dated, he just couldn't lie to himself. He only wants one person. 

He wants Donghae to be his home. The thought is so beautiful that Hyukjae's always close to tears when he thinks about it. But it's impossible. Donghae made it painfully clear that they're just friends. If Donghae feels the same way as him, Hyukjae would certainly feel it. Sometimes, he's comforted at how the fans think that Donghae looks at him with so much love, and he'd start to think that maybe Donghae loves him, too. But that's the thing about Donghae—you can never know what that guy's thinking. And he basically looks at everyone with so much love, so he couldn't afford to hope that he's special to him. If he's special, then everybody is.

He misses his teenage years—back when he hadn't realized he had feelings for Donghae. Because then, he wasn't so anxious and cautious around him. He yearns for the proximity of their bodies before he found out he liked the guy. Now, he can't be close to Donghae without his knees buckling, his stomach doing somersaults, and his heart in his throat. He won't deny that he had imagined Donghae's hands all over him, touching and caressing him in all the right places, scratching the itch called lust and satiating his hunger for a physical and intimate connection. He wouldn't deny that he has fantasized about Donghae because he would be a saint then if he hadn't.

But God, he misses those days when he wasn't so conscious of his feelings being out in the open. He doesn't want to freak Donghae out and his devout . But what would he not give to bring back the past because now, when they do get together, all he could think about is how he wants to kiss Donghae until his lips bleed and the color magenta of his blood would look immaculate on him—as if the color was made for him. He couldn't stop thinking what it would feel like to dig his fingernails into his firm, muscled shoulders and leave bite marks on his neck, chest, arms, stomach, thighs. He wants to hear Donghae say his name over and over so badly, all through the night, until they both grow hoarse from saying each other's name. Hell, it's maddening to be with Donghae. That man could be a ing symbol if he wanted to be, and he'd readily build a shrine to worship him.

If only he hadn't caught feelings, then he could still talk and even live with him without malice. If only he remained ignorant of his own emotions, then he wouldn't have moved out of their apartment, and he wouldn't be trying his best to ignore him like what he's doing now. It's true what they say, ignorance is bliss.

Hyukjae sighs at the counter. He just paid their bills and has asked the staff to hail some taxi for his friends. He hasn't sobered up himself but he's the only one awake out of all of them. 

While waiting, Hyukjae feels for his phone in his pocket. His eyes almost pop out of their sockets when he sees the 48 missed calls—all from Donghae. Any other day, he would have felt giddy, but he knows Donghae too well. He's sure as hell that Donghae's inwardly raging right now. He feels bad for whoever is with him because that guy, despite being soft and kind like everybody pictured him to be, could get really sour and grouchy when he's in a bad mood… especially when his calls are not answered and returned. That guy's a control freak. Leeteuk was right—Hyukjae is Donghae's puppet, and he's letting the younger man play him like a marionette. Hyukjae's not even complaining, Jesus Christ.

Hyukjae feels another round of headache coming as he stares at Donghae's name registered on his phone. He decides to give him a call back because if he'll wait until tomorrow, all hell will break loose. He's about to hit the call button when the phone lights up, Donghae's name glaring at him. Hyukjae takes a deep, shaky breath before answering.

"H-hello?" he croaks. His voice was hoarse from all the alcohol.

An eerie silence greets him from the other line. Hyukjae feels the hair on his back rising. 

After a few beats, Donghae speaks, dangerously soft and slow, "And where the hell are you and why weren't you picking up my calls?" 

Hyukjae flinches upon hearing the cold voice from the other line. Donghae didn't shout, but his voice was laced with impatience. He was mad. And a mad Donghae is bad news. 

Hyukjae shuts his eyes and starts convincing himself that he shouldn't let Donghae scare him like this. He shouldn't let Donghae control him as he pleases. He should make a statement right now that Donghae's not pulling the strings here! He should be the one having Donghae wrapped around his fingers, answering to his every beck and call. He's a man! He's the man! 

But when he spoke on the phone, his voice breaks and he sobs. He ing sobbed like a wounded little kid. "I'm s—sorry. Please don't be mad," he whines in between hiccups. "I'm so drunk right now and my body feels so numb. Donghae-ah, I can't feel my face."

There's another silence on the other line. Hyukjae bites his lip. He's crying. Blame it all on the alcohol.

"Goddamn it, Hyukjae. We're supposed to spend the evening together. You're not supposed to get drunk by yourself," Donghae resigns. Hyukjae hears the exhaustion on Donghae's voice, and his guilt starts to take over the influence of alcohol.

"I'm sorry, I totally forgot about our plans. I didn't mean it, really." 

It's the truth. Yes, he'd been trying to avoid Donghae but he's not the type to break promises. And he's not the type to have the strength to say no to Donghae when he's pleading. 

"Forget it. I called you to tell you I'd be late and you weren't picking up. But that doesn't mean you could go prancing with your other friends." 

A funny thought creeps its way into Hyukjae's mind—maybe Donghae is jealous. The guilt is now slowly turning into hopeless thinking. Goddamn, Donghae really has him wrapped around his fingers.

"Where are you?"

Hyukjae hears a car door closing on the other line and some ruffling sounds that could mean Donghae's in his car.

Hyukjae reveals his address, anticip