“Here’s to other late night drunk phone calls that you picked up;

Here’s to all the bad decisions that you didn’t judge;

All the ‘love yous’ and the ‘hate yous’ and the secrets that you told me;

Here’s to everyone but mostly us.”

~•~

 

“Chaeyooooung-ah”, I spoke on the phone, slightly giggling to myself when she picks up.

 

“Yah, Lalisa, are you drunk?”, she asks, and I can imagine her rolling her eyes and shaking her head, but I can still hear the concern in her voice.

 

Well, I may be a little tipsy. After all, Jisoo’s party was one hell of a party. I could’ve stayed longer if I wasn’t feeling the world spinning under my feet. Yeah, maybe I’m a little drunk and I left my car at home and I’m not in my best condition to even hail a cab, so I called my best friend while sprawled on Jisoo’s garden’s bushes.

 

Park Chaeyoung. My bestest best friend slash roommate since forever. Have I told you guys how wonderful she is? She’s sweet, and caring, and—

 

“Yah, are you still at Jisoo’s? I’m driving there now. Don’t move an inch, you moron. I swear I’m gonna punch you square in the face for waking me up at 2am”, she blurted and I can hear the engine of her car starting.

 

See? The sweetest, isn’t she? I may get scolded a lot for always calling her when I’m drunk, but I just know she can’t resist me because she’s Park Chaeyoung and I’m Lalisa Manoban and we’re basically soulmates.

 

You guys believe in soulmates? Naur? The heck are you living in the 10th century or something? Of course, soulmates are real. And me and Chaeyoung are the living proof.

 

We always have each other’s backs. We understand each other. We vibe together. I laugh at her lame daddy jokes, and she rolls her eyes at mine. She mocks me for liking peanut butter & jelly sandwich, but I always find one on our table when I wake up in the morning. And she always tells me to shut the up when I’m blabbering about something with food in my mouth, but crawls on my bed at night and loops her arms around me while asking me to tell her how my day went.

 

My bestfriend is the bestest and no one can change my mind.

 

“Are you done daydreaming or you want me to drag your drunk to the car?”

 

I snapped out of my trance when I heard her voice and realized I was spacing out, smiling to myself like a total fool while still laying on the bushes.

 

“Oh, hi, Chaeng”, I gave her a toothy smile and struggled to get up on my feet, “You’re here.”

 

I almost stumble and fall but she was quick to hold me. I was still a grinning fool.

 

“No, I’m not here. I’m just a figment of your imagination”, she says while looping my arm around her neck and starts half-carrying me out of Jisoo’s garden, “You are so dead tomorrow, Manoban”

 

We reached her car and that’s when I noticed she’s still wearing her pajamas.

 

“Chaeng, pfft”, I step back a little from her to properly look at her and I stifle a laugh, “You drove here in your pajamas?”

 

She gave me a what-the- look, “You called me at 2am, wasted, and I know just by the tone of your voice that you don’t have the brain cell to hail a cab. So, you expect me to dress up when I’m out there worried, thinking you’re knocked out in the middle of the street?”

 

I feel my lips form into a pout after hearing her speech, “Aww, Chaeng.”

 

“Don’t ‘aww Chaeng’ me, you pea-brained idiot.”

 

“Pea-brained idiot?? Chaeng, that’s redundant!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

I could only throw my head back while letting out a laugh. She hit my shoulder as I did.

 

“You know I hate you for making me worried”, she says after.

 

“But you still love me.”

 

“No, I still hate you for waking me up at 2am”, she pouted, and god, that was the cutest thing I’ve seen in my entire existence.

 

Maybe I’m a little tipsy. Hell, maybe I’m really drunk. But there’s no way I could deny how beautiful Chaeyoung looks right now. In her pajamas and disheveled hair. Under the light of the old lamp in this very street.

 

Maybe I’m really a pea-brained idiot for wanting to kiss her right now.

 

But I can’t.

 

So, I just pulled her in, and lock her in a hug. I was almost surpised when she didn’t say anything and just hugged me back. Normally, she would complain whenever I get clingy and touchy. She acts all cool and nonchalant, but I know very well how much of a softie she really is.

 

“Thanks, Chaeng”, I whispered just above her ear.

 

“For picking up your drunk ?”

 

I smiled and slightly shook my head, “For existing.”

 

Maybe I’m a little tipsy. Heck, maybe I’m really drunk. But there’s no way I could deny this thing I feel for her.

 

Park Chaeyoung.

 

She’s my bestest bestfriend.

 

And I am so in love with her.

 

 

~•~

“There’s a couple billion people in the world;

And a million other places we could be, but you’re here with me;

Take a moment just to take it in;

Coz every high and every low led to this;

I’m just so glad you exist.”

~•~

 

 

So, a couple of days after, I figured, I should confess, right? Because why the hell not? Why would you let a chance pass? Why would you not confess to your bestfriend of 10 years that you’re inlove with her all along?

 

I have been up all night thinking about what would hurt the most if things go south: Saying something and wishing you had not? Or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

 

Can I bear all the what ifs and could have beens if I stay mum? But can I risk our friendship if she ever rejects me?

 

Can my heart take that?

 

I have been up all night creating a speech in my head and memorizing them for Chaeyoung to hear today.

 

And right now, at this very moment, as I walk towards Chaeyoung who was already sitting at our spot under the old oak tree just behind the campus field, I can feel my heart pounding, wanting to jump out of my ribcage. 

 

Am I ready for this? Will I ever be ready for this?

 

Goddamnit, come what may.

 

“Chaeyoung”, I called out when I reached her, and I immediately noticed the smile on her face as she looks up to meet me.

 

“Hey, Lis!”, she calls out as well, patting the space beside her, motioning for me to occupy it, “Have you had lunch?”

 

But my loser self was too busy being nervous, so I stood on my ground and stayed still.

 

She noticed that, so she half-yelled, “Yah, the hell are you doing there?”

 

I did not respond. What the hell is wrong with me? 

 

Chaeyoung got impatient after a couple of seconds so she stood up and walked towards me.

 

“Hey, what are you up to, huh?”, she asks with squinted eyes as we came face to face.

 

She’s really cute when she does that. Especially now that she seems like she’s in a good mood.

 

She seems happy.

 

And I like happy Chaeyoung.

 

“Well, uh, um”, I slowly scratch the back of my neck, “I have...I-I have something to tell you.”

 

So, this is it. There’s no turning back. Be a woman and tell her, Lalisa.

 

Tell her.

 

“Oh my gosh, I have something to tell you too!”, she blurted, and the smile on her face widened, “But, go on first. What is it?”

 

She looks so excited and I didn’t want to prolong it, so I replied, “No no, you go first, what is it?”

 

“No, you first.”

 

“No, pretty girls first.”

 

I earned a light slap on my shoulder at that, but then she grinned at me and I couldn’t help but mirror her expression.

 

Her smile is contagious.

 

“Okay”, she takes a deep breath before speaking in the most high-pitched tone I’ve heard from her, “Jacob asked me out!”

 

The pounding in my chest stopped, and I felt like ice cold water has been splashed on my head.

 

What did I just hear?

 

I froze for a couple of seconds before I realized that I was making my reaction obvious, so I faked a smile and asked, “W-What did you say?”

 

I couldn’t have prepared myself for her answer.

 

“I said yes, of course!”

 

She lets out a small squeal and narrates the rest of the details excitedly. She was talking animatedly with hand actions, and she only does that when she’s really happy.

 

She’s happy.

 

But I couldn’t bring myself to listen to whatever she’s saying right now.

 

I feel my heart shatters into pieces while looking at her smiling face. I have never imagined feeling my heart break because of someone’s happiness. Especially hers.

 

We promised to always be there for each other. To celebrate each other’s success. To be happy for each other’s happiness. 

 

And I feel like I’m betraying her for feeling this way. I feel like I’m breaking our promise for wanting to break down.

 

So I smiled.

 

Like a good bestfriend would do.

 

“I’m happy for you, Chaeng. You two seem like a good match.”

 

I swallowed my bitter lie with another smile.

 

“Thanks, Lis”, her smile was never fading, “By the way, what were you about to say?”

 

Oh, that?

 

How could I tell her that now?

 

“Oh, w-well, I just wanted to say that...I’m planning to adopt a dog”, I lied again.

 

But her eyes twinkled and she looks extra happy right now.

 

“Oh my gosh, Lis. Why didn’t you think of that sooner? I’ve been planning to adopt one, too. Let’s go this weekend, yeah?”

 

I could only nod while my eyes linger at her smile.

 

She’s so beautiful.

 

And at this moment, I knew I could bear all the what ifs and could have beens if it means seeing her this happy for always.

 

“Hey, by the way, I’m not going home with you today. Jacob and I are gonna go out”, she announces while getting her things from the bench she was sitting on earlier, “But I’ll be home before dinner. Drive safely, okay? See you later, Lis!”

 

And then she turns back at me and starts walking.

 

I feel like she’s walking away from me for good. And god, the clenching feeling in my chest just won’t stop.

 

It ing hurts.

 

“Chaeyoung!”, I called out.

 

She stopped on her tracks and turned back around to face me, waiting for whatever it is that I’m gonna say.

 

Oh, I have a lot.

 

I have a lot of things to say to her.

 

That I’m not really planning to adopt a dog. I am a cat person for goodness’ sake.

 

That I have been in love with her for god knows how long now.

 

And that I am hurting so bad I feel like I’ll be needing a year supply of vodka to numb me from it.

 

But I pushed all the words I have been preparing to say at the back of mind. There’s no need to tell them now. Isn’t my ultimate goal to see Chaeyoung happy? Well, she is now. And I can live with that.

 

“Take care, yeah?”, was what came out of my coward mouth.

 

She just nodded and smiled, and waved me goodbye before disappearing from my sight.

 

Chaeyoung.

 

My soulmate for forever.

 

She’s still my soulmate, right? Nothing can change that. No one can take that from us.

 

It’s a label that only us have.

 

I smiled at the thought. Albeit a sad one. A smile that didn’t reach my eyes.

 

Maybe we’re not really meant to be together. And maybe I’d really live the rest of my life wondering how it feels like to have her. 

 

But for as long as she’s there, and for as long as I can see her smile, I’ll be okay.

 

Her existence alone keeps me going.

 

We are not a sad story. And this is definitely not a sad ending.

 

Because soulmates aren’t just lovers.

 

Me and Chaeyoung are more than that.

 

And despite the highs and the lows that led us to this, 

 

I’m just so glad she exists.

 

 

~•~

 

wrote this while thinking of someone. why are there tears in my eyes