I walked through the door with you

The air was cold

But something about it felt like home somehow

And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house

And you've still got it in your drawer even now

"This looks so comfy" I said as I entered the house. Joohyun smiled at me as I left my scarf in the front door drawer. Her steps were so endearing, her hair moving a little bit as she started walking towards me. My hands firmly holding the edge of my coat. And all I could do was stare at her, so graciously, so close yet so far from me even if we were standing inches apart. 

I, without thinking, started making my way towards her. Just as she stepped closer to the window, closing the curtains. 'You're too precious for other people to see' she used to say. Was I, Joohyun? Or did the thought of people finding out about us, terrified you so much that you had to make sure our kisses and touches would never see the light of the sun? 

In those moments, I would totally believe Joohyun. Why would she lie to me? She had been nothing but nice. Nothing but the kind of woman I was so scared to fall in love with but that I fell in love, indeed, and so hard that I could never forget her.

Oh, your sweet disposition

And my wide-eyed gaze

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

And I can picture it after all these days

She started the engine as I sat in the passenger seat. Her gaze fixed on the road but her right hand leaving touches in my ear, my hair, my shoulder. "I want you to listen to this song, I'm pretty sure you will like it" I nodded as I watched her playing something on her phone. 

"It's really nice" I wish I could say I liked the song but all I could think of was her side profile, her eyes darting between the road and me. I, tentatively, left a kiss on her cheek. She smiled and my heart felt like it was burning. Like it always felt whenever Joohyun would leave a door open for me to think our feelings were on the same page. 

When we arrived at the place, a forest in the countryside of Daegu, getting out of the car, her hand never left mine. My heart was racing like crazy because of the looks Joohyun was giving me. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time, it feels like I can't remember a thing that we did or said, apart from the moment her arms sneaked around my waist and she kissed me so passionately that I felt like if I could die at that moment if it meant that Joohyun was the last person I saw. I would never forget when her hand guided me to a beautiful lake where Joohyun told me so easily, so endearingly about how her friends wanted to know me. She looked displeased though. And I was happy, not minding the look on her face, because it meant something, right? It meant she talked to them about me, at least. 

Those moments, I still remember, felt like magic because whenever my hand brushed hers, whenever her lips ghosted over mine, whenever she decided to be too close for it to be only a fling I knew she could also feel it inside, couldn't she? 

'Cause there we are again on that little town street

You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me

Wind in my hair, I was there

I remember it all too well

"And then Seulgi tells me 'C'mon Joohyun you did not just swear at the one and only CEO of SM Entertainment' can you believe it? Trainee days were surely a pain in the " I laughed because she was just funny like that. It was getting cold in the car but one look at her and it was the only thing my body needed to get warm again. 

Her hand caressing my thigh because we were almost at that point, and I was, oh, so ready, to give it all to her. She her plump lips as she looked at mine. The car was still riding. "Oh my! Joohyun is red!" She stopped the car abruptly. "Just in the perfect moment" she said, as she closed the gap between us, kissing me, again, in an isolated place. 

As we entered her house, her hands were all over me. As she tenderly laid me in bed, her eyes asking me if it was okay but all my body and heart could give her was a passionate kiss as an answer. My right hand caressing her hair, my left hand on her cheek making her look at me, trying to find any traces in her eyes that what we were doing was that thing that people called making love. And it did feel like it, even more so when it was all over and she embraced me leaving sweet kisses all over my jaw. At that moment, the unspoken words burned in my tongue like an old wound she dared to scratch open again. 

And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team

You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me

Opening another album, I could see her cheeks burning. "Doesn't my Joohyunie look the cutest here?" A pic of her with pigtails making a funny face when she was around 5 years old was in front of me. And she was so cute, and my mind drifted to other places. Like, would our children look like that if we had any? I shook the thought, thinking of how silly it would have sounded if I voiced it out. Because what was I other than a 20 year-old girl who has fallen over heels for someone she looked up to?

I helped Joohyun carry the tea pot and the cookies that were left untouched. "You know, sometimes I think you fit better here than any other person that 's been around" I smiled shyly and I knew that she could perfectly see the blush spreading all over my face. Because she had that effect on me, just like that. I stepped closer to her as she stepped backwards. "Not here, Yerim, my mom is there"

I smiled, nodding. Because you were right, weren't you? Your mom was here and that would mean that someone else could see us, even if the kitchen door was closed and your mom was too occupied thinking about which photo album she should show me next. 

And the next day, dinner with her friends came. I was not surprised to see her show all her charms to them. The food I helped her prepare was delicious, her friends were the nicest, and Joohyun kept everyone entertained. Then, why was I feeling uncomfortable? Only speaking a few words back and forth with them. Just some casual introductions, in which company I was training and why they had never heard of it. Even if that was kind of mean, she shrugged it off with a smile. Feeling a bit uneasy, I tried to hold her hand on the table, only to feel Joohyun dropping mine. And it was at that exact moment, that my heart started breaking a little bit even if at that time I tried to deny it over and over again. 

When Joohyun's friends left, I was feeling so bad because of the way she treated me during the dinner. It felt like I was nothing but a mere friend or, even, like if I wasn't there at all. "Oh, c'mon, what's now?" Were you mad because I was mad? I couldn't really tell all I know is that her next words only infuriated me more. "They were all so nice to you, I don't even understand what you are so angry about, they could help you with their connections." 

I dropped a plate on the counter. "It's not them, Joohyun! It's not about them, it's you! Because I felt like you were leaving me out and... and..." She looked at me, daring me to continue "and you dropped my ing hand! I needed you and you just dropped my hand! Did you know how that made me feel?" 

And Joohyun shook her head, not believing what I was saying. "All of this because I dropped your hand, a moment I can't even remember. All of this fuss is about that? A moment I can't even remember?"

I couldn't even look at her because I felt so, so small. Joohyun was not only denying what happened but, also, making it seem like it didn't happen at all. My head and heart were hurting and I didn't even know when I started crying. But it was the moment she said 'I'm sorry' and the way she wrapped her arms around me that I could feel like dying inside because how is it even possible that a person can make you be at your lowest points and the next second at your highest? Maybe, I should have seen it coming. 

And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now

She's gonna say it'