the city lights are bright, almost hurting the girl's eyes if she is not used to it. but being a celebrity for almost ten years the experience is not new to her, be it in paparazzi cameras or a shoot. it is a friday night so the city's buzzing even at this hour. 12:57. youngsters strolling down everywhere, laughing with their groups. it reminded the celebrity of her past, before her glamorous state, there was a karina who, like the youngsters, was just living her life freely but traded it all for her dreams. being in the spotlight, she thought by now, cost a lot of price to pay and she wished to have known back then. that way, things wouldn't turn out this way.

her car stopped exactly in front of an enormous building. she instructed her driver not to bother  to wait for her and just head home instead. as she stepped inside the building, her heart triple its beat. she always hated places like this and yet she was standing inside looking at every hall for a hope. the people she encountered were very different from the people outside. they did not recognize her, which is a relief for her side. as she was about to hit the elevator, everything finally sinks in to her; it made her freeze at the spot. the realization of what was happening was too much to her to handle, she could not even breathe properly with her heart burning that way. it almost feels like the world has stopped for a minute but everything in her sight is still spinning. the sight of lights from earlier had begun flashing in her mind is ten times brighter. it was awful, much worse than her occasional panic attacks. instead of getting in the elevator, the celebrity ran out of the establishment as fast as she could to find air to breathe. 

after running out, she found herself in an empty alley. located near the back side of the building. when one walks straight ahead there is a river is waiting; it is responsible for the gentle cool breeze. it was kind of odd and maybe a little out of place to see a river in a place like this, but there was it and karina walked into it. it was not scary as there are some lights, like they have been decorating it. though it was not a very scenic spot, she thinks that people went here to hangout. she had settled herself under the big tree at the bank and calmed herself with some breathing techniques she used to learn in her training days. back then she had no use of it as she was comfortable facing a large crowd. but it all come handy now. 

"pretty much like our place, right?" she glanced upward upon hearing that voice. although not hearing it for a long time now, she still recognizes it like a long forgotten childhood song. it sounded a little bit deeper than the last time she had heard it, but the same gentleness remains. her heart broke at that moment. 

the girl in front of her had a very peaceful expression in her face. "winter," she uttered her name, making the girl smile. it was not like the same smiles she used to give her back then. there was no indication of excitement this time. the sparkling glow is missing that always accompanied winter's famous smile that she only had the privilege to see back then. it was a smile of recognition now, the one you give to an old friend when you accidentally bumped into a grocery store. "i'm glad you still recognize me." and then she chuckled. it still makes the other girl feel things. it was her favorite sound. her lover's chuckle. ex- lover, to be exact.  

"what makes you think i can forget you?" she whispered but enough for them to hear. a hummed follow before her reply, "maybe it has been so long since. i even stopped counting it. how long has it been? 8 or 9 years?" and there she was, like the usual, busy comprehending her own thoughts. winter even started counting in her fingers their wasted years. karina never wanted anything but just to hug the girl standing in front of her. she wanted it to do so badly that her heart started aching all over the place. just one hug again. but she knows damn well she cant. 

"ten years." she simply answered the younger's struggle. 

"oh." that's when their eyes met. the warmth in winter's eyes was nowhere to be found; there was only her reflection. the distant feel that spreads all over her eyes makes the celebrity's body cold. never did she imagine that winter was capable of giving her that kind of stare. but after leaving the poor girl to chase her dream without any words, she deserves that kind of look, even worse. 

"are you happier now, rina?" it is  that question that broke karina entirely. has she been happier after everything? she thinks about her hollow mansion, the people proclaiming her love for her, the achievements she holds, the success she swims. her answer should have been automatically yes, but even could not utter it. for all that time without winter by her side, she felt like she's been wasting her time. a grasped dream without no one to celebrate with was more depressing than not reaching it because all she could say to that question is "no. i never felt happier with you in my side."  

"i guess, i am satisfied." her words were quiet as the night. "but i am really sorry, winter. for leaving you that night. for leaving us behind." the words she'd been meaning to tell the girl for years finally came out. a tear drops in her eyes, but she clears that immediately. 

the first time they've met each other was when they were 18. too invincible to care how the world works; so when the world decided to take a swing on them, they did not know what to do. one kept her dream; one decided to give it up. that night when karina decided to let go of winter's hand, without any signs is the night when she celebrated her birthday, after the small celebration winter surprisingly managed to pull; the younger girl was knocked out that she slept heavily that night. karina hoped that the younger would notice her packing as she purposely made noises, in hopes of the younger girl would wake up and stop her. but winter tired body didn't budge at all and so is karina; tired from waiting for winter promises. so she went that night to chase her dream alone.

1:28am. there's a cloud of smoke coming from a discarded cigarette on the ground.

"it was never your fault." winter smiled sadly to her. she looks like she's about to cry but no tears in her eyes that threating to fall. like a clear gray skies. it was winter's last pain that karina witnessing now. the mark of her actions from before. it was heavy for her to feel, she imagined how winter survived it all.

 "i guess i am sorry too. i'm sorry you have to leave, Rina. i am sorry i couldn't be the person i promised you to be. i've tried, i hope you know that. i really tried the hardest for you, but being a film director is just too out of league for me, love. will you forgive me for not having a film where you should star in? and for all the things i did not. i know this a little too late to say but i am very proud of you, Karina, for choosing your dreams and achieving it. i guess it is safe to say that i am glad that you ran away from me that night. you don't need to think about me now. it is alright now, Rina. we are alright now."
 

karina started to cry. she can't do anything now but cry. there were so many things she wanted to do like pull winter close to her and hug her pain away and never let her go again but she just stood there and cried. how can you make a very tired person stay? she broke her heart once; now all she wanted to do was give her peace. the one winter's waiting for, and that is her goodbye. 

exhaustion was already painted in winter eyes; she looks pretty sleepy. she remembered a twenty-one year old winter, with tired sleepy eyes roaming around the room of their apartment because her cat was missing that night and they ended up looking for the feline all night. she would gladly spend her fortune in order to go back in to that time again, when everything was simple and just the of them against the world.

"you know, i am really happy that i've met you be it tonight or the first time we met." winter whispered, while closing her eyes. 

"i am too. more than you know." karina's voice sounded so rough when she uttered it but she did not care. "and winter, it is not your fault. with your love, i am the happiest version of me. forgive me too, love, for breaking your heart." she inhaled, before giving her own goodbye. "don't worry about being a film director, forget those films and me and just go peacefully."

it was the time winter smiled at her for the last time. a smile she will never forget. winter always looked pretty when she smiled, part of the many reasons why she fell in love with her. but that smile, was beyond beautiful for her to comprehend. it was like a sunset. it was a pretty kind of haunting; the one that will always linger with karina because all beautiful things demand to haunt you even in just memory, to be remembered. it was beautifully tragic. 

"thank you, karina. let's meet again in some other time?"

"we will. have a good sleep now, my love."

1:59am

when her phone constant buzzing in her pouch became very busy she had already a premonition of what it was. seeing her screen ringing with giselle and ningning's name taking turns in calling her had just made her idea's chance high. she answered ningning call, and a beeping machine greeted her. 

"where are you? she already gave up." ningning did not receive an answer to her question as karina dropped the call. the moment she saw winter in the bank, she knew something is not good, because how is it possible for someone who's lying in the hospital fighting for life to wander in the riverbank. she knew winter came to her to say goodbye, even though she did not deserve one, after all she left the girl that night without saying one. she had it all along that winter isn't gonna stay for too long, but hearing her friend confirmation that she was gone tripled the pain. it was unbearable. there wouldn't be a winter she can secretly gaze from afar. 

karina spent that night just in the same spot where winter left her for good. she did nothing but cry and stare at the river. she felt lifeless, all her energy was drained. she couldn't even call her driver to pick her up. giselle and ningning came to take her home that night, and both her friends agreed that it was the miserable karina they ever saw. that night also karina swears one last promise to winter despite not being around anymore. 

"i will forget you, but that doesn't mean i will replace you. i'll continue to be in love with you until we've met again, my love."