"What time are you leaving?" Fukka asked as he fixed his shirt and laid besides Hikaru.  "A little bit later," he paused. "Are you asking me to leave already?" Hikaru asked. 

"No, I'm just asking," Fukka replied, hiding the fact that he was internally screaming and panicking. He isn't used to having someone stay for this long after doing the deed, usually after everything, they clean up, lay for 10-30 minutes max and go with their day as if nothing happened. Hearing Hikaru not giving any time limit for them gives him anxiety. "But for real, what time will you be leaving?" he asked again facing the younger, proping up using his elbow. 

"I'm not leaving anytime soon, unless you want me to leave already," he replied looking at the elder, having a hint of sadness in his eyes. 'Nope. Nope. Nope.' Fukka thought while fully sitting up looking down on the younger. "Okay. So here's the thing," he breathe. "It's not like I want you to leave, I'm just not used to having someone stay for me after 'this'," he said. Hikaru just looked at him with an understanding look, neither of them said anything and just went back to cuddling. 

3 hours passed of them just talking and cuddling, talking about different things like Hikaru's training in the school's basketball team and how Fukka is getting annoyed with Koji's favors. They even talked about Hikaru's girlfriend — how their relationship are and so on. He's used to this at this point that it no longer fazed him, eitherways he's mostly existing as someone's 'friends with benefits' and that works for him. 

It was around 20 minutes before Hikaru was about to leave when they went for another round. Quickly afterwards, Hikaru stood up and helped Fukka clean up. Giving Fukka three kisses, he left. The elder closed the door silently and stared at it. It felt weird for someone to stay with him for that long and it was oddly satisfying for him. 

He cleaned up the rest of the things they missed as Hikaru was in a rush. Putting the bedsheets in the washer. "It's probably just the hangover, this will be gone soon," he convinced himself. Like any other guys he slept with, he's still high on those oxytocin after thinking he fell for someone but it's really just the feeling of being close with them that gets him there. 

 

-

 

It's been three days since Hikaru came over. Even after what happened, Hikaru still kept in contact, checking up on Fukka, asking how's his day, casually slipping in their next meet up. It confused Fukka even more as he usually have no contact whatsoever until they hit him up again for a meet up. He stared at the ceiling thinking on how he's going to reply to Hikaru, "I shouldn't really be attached to him," he thought to himself. Thinking back, Hikaru's the third guy he ever slept with this kind of set up. 

It wasn't even a plan in the first place when Sakuma took them out on a club, meeting up with friends from the dance school. Fukka already knew Hikaru then, a close friends of Sakuma and they're somewhat close, hanged out a few times and were in the same wavelength on thoughts. So it was really a surprise when the next thing he knew he was already making out with this guy at the back of the club — only to get caught off with a disheveled Sakuma.

"Hikkun! I think I made a mistake with bringing Raul here!", he said, panicking, not questioning why the two were together in the first place and why Fukka's hand is still attached on Hikaru's neck. "Let me guess? The child didn't know his alcohol tolerance is two glasses of whatever cocktail you ordered him?" the elder said looking straight at Sakuma. Their pink haired friend just stared at them with a meep face. The youngest among the trio chuckled, "I'll go get the car," he said. "Hikkun you're a life saver, I'll tell them," Sakuma said before storming off, leaving a knowing look at Fukka. Hikaru looked back, having disappointed eyes. "Next time," Fukka said, leaving a kiss on the younger's cheek.

Next day, he just found himself staring at the guy he just made out with a day before, in front of his door with a shy smile. 

"I'm announcing my presence," Koji screams as he enters Fukka's apartment. "What's today's dilemma?" he asked as he made himself home, grabbing chips from Fukka's cupboard and plopping down the sofa. "FWB and the realization that I'm actually lonely in life and that everything that has transpired came from my trauma over Shoppi but I'm still not going to blame him for that," he said in one breathe, turning off his phone and just laying down. Koji choked on the chips he was eating, "You got another one?", the elder hummed and sat up. 

"I am definitely not gonna clean that up," he said as he pushed himself off the bed to get a glass of water. "Let me guess, this person is also dating someone — again,". "Yep,". "Fukka you need to stop hooking up with taken guys, it doesn't look good on you," Koji scolded. "What am I supposed to do? I'm good at hiding and keeping things in private and in secret all thanks to Shoppi," he replied angrily drinking his water. 

"Okay so let's do a recap," Koji said standing up and sitting infront of Fukka who was already at his dining table/counter. "You hooked up with Shoppi because you liked him for the longest time and you were dumb enough to agree to be a mistress for his three relationships in the span of two years," Koji said, "Now if you said it like that, you're making me sound like a hoe or something," he was nearly fuming at this point. "Now the only reason this ended was because he moved somewhere far enough for the both of you and also because he pissed you off so badly during your birthday that you cried badly and just flushed 7 years of feelings down the drain," he continued. "Yes, but we're still friends," Fukka rebutted. It's true, he was dumb back then to be fine with being a back up whenever Shota's relationship is being rocky. For two years he changes relationships with three different people and Fukka was never an option for him. It started with simple kisses turned make out and turned jerking one another off one random afternood and even after that Fukka was still not an option for him. Even after all of those sessions too, Fukka just texts Shota 'I'm home' texts but the latter didn't reply to any of it. The only time they talk is when Shota calls him up to come over and it's a cycle of them just doing things and casually talking once in a while. 

Out of all that, Shota was fully aware of Fukka's feelings but he was very clear of not wanting to do anything serious with him other than their current set up. The elder wanted to defend Shota by saying that he was still a good friend who listens to his rants and gives good advice, but that's just his ego refusing to believe that he was absolutely used and rejected by the guy he liked for so many years. Neither of them actually said they were friends with benefits, or when that relationship ended. It started off with silence and ended with silence, and Fukka was fine with that, not having any closure. 

"Next one was that genius guy right? Abe Ryohei?" Koji said, muffled by the chips he was munching down while waving the other chip around. "Yeah, Abe," he said feeling a little more glummy. "Yes, the genius guy who suddenly had a girlfriend and left you to stay loyal to his boyfriend — which by the way if you friend Sakuma," the younger continued, drinking water to wash down the food and continued speaking."But you absolutely fell for him — or so you thought because he ended your relationship right after having with you, so you were, quote and quote 'high on oxytocin". At this point the elder was really red, either from fuming or blushing neither of us will ever know. Koji wasn't lying, he did feel like he fell for Abe, it was another 2 years worth of FWB relationship with him that started off when they both found out their Fukka's boyfriend and Abe's boyfriend were cheating off their backs and the best possible way of revenge they took was sleep with one another. In Fukka's defense they were both drunk but Abe was fine with that set up as well and verbally agreed they're friends with benefits after they both break it off with their boyfriends. 

Abe is actually a good guy in Fukka's opinion. Better treatment, very observant, good listener, and also good in bed if he's going to be honest. Takes consent a lot seriously too and wouldn't do anything Fukka doesn't agree with. They talk atleast once a week, twice if Fukka was extra sad. The elder finds it comfortable around the younger too but the only down fall on this relationship was that Abe usually turns cold or be excessively busy right after every sessions. One time they only had around 10 minutes aftercare because Abe needs to run down at a classmate's house for a thesis and Fukka didn't have much choice than let him go because the younger cannot be bothered for another 20 minutes of cuddling. Their thing ended when Abe met Sakuma through Fukka and not long after they started dating. 

Imagine the shock in Fukka's eyes when Abe suddenly hits him up after Christmas and they ended up sleeping together again and leaving the hotel literally 20 minutes after doing it and then him dropping the bomb that you guys are officially ending your FWB relationship because he wanted to stay loyal to Sakuma and it was, more or less, a goodbye . It was already late when Fukka realized he fell for the younger but he couldn't say anything even after that. They remained friends even after that, talking once a month to catch up with each other's life, so it still was all good for Fukka. Besides he wanted both of his friends be in a happy relationship so he doesn't chat Abe other than their usual monthly updates. Either ways, him sleeping with Abe while he just recently dating Sakuma was a secret that's gonna die with him on the grave. 

"Now who's the new guy?" Koji asked as he feed Fukka chips, moving back to the sofa for a more comfortable seat and played some movies as background noise. "One of Sakuma's friend, Hikaru, we're close enough to hit each other up for drinks," he said eating the chips Koji gave him. "You should really stop hooking up with Sakkun's friends — or boyfriend in Abe's case," he said, checking what is going on in the tv show they used as background. "I know, but anyways. He confuses me you know? He's like Abe but like 10x more greater and actually stays," Fukka said, harshly grabbing the chips from Koji. "Who stays 3 to 4 hours after?" he asked munching on the chips. "For someone who studies Psychology, you're actually pretty dumb," the younger looks at him in disbelief.

Koji's right. He already knows why he's like this too but he just doesn't want to admit it. He got used to feeling lonely and being the second choice that whenever someone gives him attention he falls straight and that scares him the most. Falling for someone you shouldn't be falling for and being disappointed when that person doesn't choose you back. That's why when he feels like he's about to fall he backs out, even if he stays, his walls kept standing still not letting anyone in his personal bubble. 

It only took one make out session and one night with Hikaru to realize all of this. How lonely he was and how much he craved real connection with someone and not because they were sleeping together and so on. Regardless, he still didn't want to fall for Hikaru's antics. "He's dating someone still. It's better for me to just stay as the second choice, always available for them when they need it," he concluded. Koji shookt his head and did not say anything, he knows whatever he say will just go through Fukka's ears from left to right and none of it would stick well enough for him to change. 

 

-

 

It's been half a year since they started and they gradually grew closer. Although, Fukka was still not used to amount of affection and attention Hikaru gives him that sometimes it makes him think about his feelings a lot more seriously. He still has his walls up refusing to put it down even just a little, knowing fully well that at some point they would stop all of this for everyone's sanity. 

They had a few cute dates here and there. At the museums, amusement parks, even in regular coffee/study dates on a Sunday morning. Hikaru gives a lot of attention on Fukka's thoughts and would listen to him a lot as well. What Fukka's heart gives more attention too is how attentive and careful Hikaru is on bed; how he would ask for consent, how Hikaru holds him softly like Fukka is a fragile vase that needs to be cared for, and ultimately how Hikaru would just shower him with love and affection afterwards. Giving the best cuddles and kisses, talking about almost everything. "Ah yes, I know what that look means," Koji says as he plops down the seat in front of Fukka. "You have officially fallen — again," he said proudly, stealing a sip on Fukka's iced coffee. "Wrong! I'm just thinking about the kids at the facility earlier," he excused. He just didn't want to admit it yet. 

A notification came up a few seconds later. Hikaru asking for another sesh to relieve some finals tension. Fukka sent a quick OK emoji and put his phone back on his hoodie before clearing all of the things laid out on the table.

20 minutes later, he was already at Hikaru's apartment, waiting patiently for the owner to open the door. "You know you can just enter. I gave you a spare key for that purpose," Hikaru said as he opened the door and ushering Fukka inside. "In my defense, I just didn't want to barge into anything I wouldn't want to see," he said, rushing in, closing the door, and giving Hikaru a bear hug.

'I wish we can stay like this forever,' Hikaru thought to himself, giving Fukka a small kiss on his head. He thought about it a lot: his feelings, how things are, and how he wanted things to be. He wanted to stop all of this and be official with the elder. He fell, deeply and hard. Hikaru didn't even knew when and how it started but he just gradually fell for the elder. Everyday he would just want to keep him and protect him and make him feel loved, not only because they were friends with benefits but because he actually want to love Fukka with all his heart. "Fukka," he spoke, resting his chin on top of the elder's head. "Hmm Hikkun?" the elder replied.

 

"I like you, Fukazawa Tatsuya," 

 

The elder's body froze him, breath hitched. He simply stares at the door frame refusing to look up. He slowly pushed himself off the hug and moved backward. "I'm sorry, I just can't," he said as he quickly left, not uttering another word. Fukka ran for as long as he could and eventually stopped. 

Everything feels blurry for him. Even if he wanted to say yes, or admit his own feelings, he simply can't. Fukka feels like he's unlovable and undeserving of love especially the kind Hikaru gives. He knew that Hikaru is still in a relationship and that he would never be the main choice. He already got acquainted with the feeling of being the second choice, an option, and it feels wrong having someone feel like he had the chance, that he is deserving.

Fukka ruffles his hair as he kicks a nearby pebble. Confused and scared. He does what he do best.

He ran.