Gin and Math, Replay and Want

 

 

The recording ended at 2:24am.

 

Going home will take twenty minutes. Feeding Commedes and Garcons (if they haven’t consumed their bowls of kibble entirely), letting them out on the veranda to relieve themselves, and tidying up afterwards will take an hour. Showering, drying off, and completing his nightly skincare routine will take another hour. And when he finally slips under the sheets, if he’s lucky, his mind would be too tired to replay the events of the day: rehearsing their dance, getting ready for their TV show appearance, taping the episode, and watching Taemin during random moments. Unfortunately, Kibum’s mind is never too tired when it comes to replaying Taemin.

 

Kibum knows it’ll be morning by the time his body, mind, and soul surrender to sleep, so he might as well stay up and go somewhere, if only to alleviate the heaviness he feels inside.

 

“Kibum-hyung?” Taemin exits the basement elevator and walks over to where Kibum looks stuck between going to his car and going back inside the building.

 

“I assumed everyone has left by now. I had to stay a bit longer because the show producer’s cousin is proposing an endorsement deal. Why are you still here, hyung?”

 

“Uhm… I actually don’t know. I guess I was contemplating whether I should go home or not. Didn’t realize the contemplation was taking too long.” Kibum chuckles, happily. He’s happy to see Taemin again, even if they worked together all day. They’ve been meeting a lot because they’re promoting their new album, but somehow it’s never enough. Every time they would part ways at the end of the day, Kibum feels a pinprick of pain in his chest.

 

“What are your options for not going home?”

 

“Well—getting a drink at the bar near my place, I suppose. Or joining my friends, who are apparently still drinking at Soyou’s house after their dinner. But I’m more inclined to doing the first because I’m not in the mood to socialize.”

 

“Great! Oh, wait… So you want to be alone?”

 

“Yes. I mean, no. Well, yeah, but if you want to get a drink with me, I wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Awesome!” Taemin’s smile is so wide it’s about to rip his face. And Kibum’s heart.

 

 

--

 

 

Kibum’s happiness is overflowing, like the gin and tonic spilling over the brim of his glass as he dumps more ice cubes in it. He wants to stretch this night, which has technically ended because it’s already dawn. But he can call it night because it’s still dark. The same way he calls Taemin friend even if feelings of this nature have ended for Kibum a long time ago.

 

“How much alcohol content do you think this gin and tonic have, hyung?” Taemin is holding his glass near his eyes, studying it as if it’s a mason jar with a specimen or an insect inside.

 

“I never really care about the alcohol content. As long as it tastes good and hits me the way I want it to, I have no issue about it being too little or too much.”

 

“But it’s good to measure things than can be measured. I mean, our mind already has to deal with so many abstract ideas. It can get overwhelming. It’s comforting to have a sense of what can be interpreted in numbers.”

 

“This is how I know the alcohol’s hitting you good. You get either philosophical or mathematical. Oh, the last time, you went on and on about astrophysics.”

 

“I’m serious, hyung. Don’t immeasurable things overwhelm you?”

 

“Hmm… what is immeasurable to me? Faith? No, not faith. I have little. About a quart.”

 

“What about love? They say love is immeasurable.”

 

Kibum snorts. “Love is immeasurable? Then explain to me the pint-sized ones I’ve had in the past.” They both laugh.

 

They take a sip from their glasses after the laughter subsides. The slice of lime gets into Taemin’s mouth but he catches it with his lips. He pulls it out with his fingers and tosses it into Kibum’s glass before laughing again.

 

“Gross! I’m too exhausted to throw even a light punch, but don’t think I won’t get back at you for it.” Kibum feigns a disgusted face. Deep inside he’s elated that the piece of lime swimming in his drink has been inside Taemin’s mouth.

 

“But, hyung, those weren’t love, then. Since they were pint-sized.”

 

“I do realize that. But it was convenient to call it love during those times. I had to convince myself they were who I need in my life. Who I want.”

 

“Want,” Taemin says wistfully.

 

“Are you echoing my words or recalling your song?”

 

“You told me it’s your favorite title track of mine.”

 

“It is. And it’s the perfect song for this moment… The moment you drink, the more thirsty you’ll get.”

 

“I like it when you sing my songs. Except when you’re doing it just to clown me.”

 

“I live for clowning you, Taemin.”

 

“Ditto, hyung.”

 

“What’s your reason?”

 

“I like seeing you angry at me. Because I know it isn’t real.”

 

“How arrogant. What makes you sure I’m not really angry?”

 

“I can’t explain. I just know. I know you try to be vague or evasive at times, but I seem to be able to grasp your true feelings.”

 

“Arrogant and presumptuous.”

 

“What about you, hyung? What’s your reason for constantly clowning me?”

 

“I like, no—I love seeing you laugh.”

 

“That has got to be the sweetest thing you have ever said to me, hyung.”

 

“I wasn’t finished… I love seeing you laugh because you look like a goblin when you do.”

 

“Sure, hyung. It’s always saying one thing and meaning another to you. I wonder when you’ll get tired of it.”

 

Kibum gestures for the bartender to get him another glass of gin and tonic. He’s glad they decided to sit at the bar counter. There are just more ready distractions here than at the small round tables that are in the darker areas of the joint.  And sitting side by side is safer than sitting across Taemin, who’s likely to stare at Kibum until he responds.

 

He decides he wouldn’t comment on what Taemin just said. There is no point in baring himself, since Taemin claims to have the ability to read his feelings. Kibum will have to preserve his dignity by not acknowledging anything. In spite of Taemin’s confidence, Kibums knows that Taemin knows there is still that small chance (measurable chance!) that he is wrong about whatever assumption he has about Kibum this very moment.

 

Kibum takes a gulp and not just a sip from the new glass that was just laid on the counter in front of him. It was a good call because Taemin’s next question would come to him like a whole bucket of ice cubes thrown at his alcohol-soaked consciousness.

 

“Is there anyone you want, Kibummie-hyung?”

 

“There is no one,” Kibum replies quickly and fixes his eyes on the slice of lime in his glass. Grandma used to say green relaxes the eyes and mind. It doesn’t help him this time, but of course he doesn’t give himself away.

 

“Aren’t you going to ask me the same question, hyung?”

 

No. I don’t want to. I’m afraid to ask. Because I think I know the answer. I know there’s this girl you constantly chat with through text. But I don’t want confirmation. I just want us to promote our album in peace. I don’t want to see you and feel pain. I can accept parting with you at the end of the day and then feel pain. But not when we’re together.

 

“Hyung?”

 

“I’m sorry, I just remembered I didn’t leave enough kibble in my children’s bowls. Let’s finish our drink and call it a night?”

 

Taemin looks down at his almost empty glass and sighs. “Sure.”

 

 

--

 

 

The darkness is starting to fade outside. Kibum raises the collar of his coat to ward off some of the cold.

 

Taemin’s phone beeps with an incoming message. It must be her.  Kibum thinks he had too much to drink and just too much bottled up inside of him because he suddenly wants to weep.

 

“Hyung, I--“

 

“I’m going for a walk, Taemin. To get some fresh air. You can call a cab from here.” Kibum turns around.

 

“Wait, hyu--“

 

“Just go, Taemin! It’s morning, for ’s sake!” Kibum starts walking but Taemin takes giant steps to block him. Kibum sighs. He knows Taemin wouldn’t let him walk away like this. It always bothers the boy when Kibum is visibly upset at him. This has always been the case, and it also bothers Kibum why the other hyungs can get away with it but not him. It must be his fault why Taemin is invasive even when he needs to pull away from everything and everyone. The voices of Jinki, Jonghyun, and Minho echo in his head— “Just be upfront with him about wanting space.” “You spoil him too much.” “That keeps happening because you allow it.”

 

“Kindly move out of my way, Taemin. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m just really tired. Thanks for having a drink with me. It was fun.”

 

“Hyung, I was just going to say that I received a notification for a Valentine’s Day discount at my favorite restaurant. We were so preoccupied with work that we forgot it’s Valentine’s.” Taemin smiles at Kibum. Kibum hates how lovely Taemin is even after a long, laborious day that ended in drinking liquor.

 

“Oh yeah, right. Happy Valentine’s. Do you want me to call you a cab?”

 

“I wish you had asked me the same question earlier.” Taemin is speaking a little too softly. Maybe he’s tired too.

 

“What?”

 

“You should have asked me if I want someone.”

 

“I thought you could figure me out. If that were true, you’d know I didn’t ask because I don’t want to know.”

 

“Here, hyung.” Taemin extends a closed fist to Kibum.

 

“Huh? What-what’s this?”

 

“My fist. Measure it. It can be measured, right?”

 

“Taemin, are you drunk? You don’t look smashed but you’re sure not making any sense.”

 

Taemin takes one of Kibum’s hands and wraps it around his closed fist.

 

“This is the size of my heart, hyung.”

 

“Uhm, okay?”

 

“It fits inside your hand.”

 

“I guess. So?”

 

“You can take whatever fits inside your hand.”

 

There’s a dirty joke threatening to slip out of Kibum about what else could fit inside his hand, but he knows this compulsion is due to disbelief. It’s a defense mechanism. He’s afraid to reconcile Taemin’s words with what his bright and analytical mind is saying. It can’t be true, right?

 

Kibum tries to replay meeting Taemin for the first time. They were practically just kids then. He wants to measure the length of time from that day until the day he fell in love with Taemin. But like the immeasurable feelings that have grown, he couldn’t put a stamp on time. He can at least be thankful for this because he won’t have a count of the number of days spent in painful pining, in pathetically seeking solace in the arms of lovers, and in dreading the end of their schedule for the day and bidding Taemin goodbye with pretend casual nonchalance.

 

Today is Valentine’s Day. He will mark his diary calendar. He can now start counting the days he has Taemin’s heart. He looks at Taemin, who’s blinking nervously but never looks away, not even for a second. It is true. Taemin is giving him his heart.

 

Kibum grabs tightly on Taemin’s fist and pulls him flush against him.

 

“There is something I want to measure, Taem.”

 

“What is it, hyung?”

 

“How long you can go without breathing.” Kibum wonders for a second about the distance between him and the boy he has loved practically all his adult life. How many centimeters, he thinks. The mental calculations stop when Taemin goes ahead and closes the distance.

 

It’s the best kiss of his life, Kibum gushes within himself. And immeasurable. Because from here onwards, their kisses will be countless.

 

 

 

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