Why is this world so mean?

Why should I feel misery?

Why should I be like this?

Why is my heart always hurt?

These are all the questions in my head. I don't know why but they always linger in me whenever I'm alone which, technically, is everyday.

ALONE

Yes, I'm alone even though I'm living with my family. I'm alone though I have my friends.

Why, you ask?

I may be living with family all my life but that doesn't mean they are by my side. In fact, they are the no. 1 reason why I feel this way. Yes, my parents made me. Yes, they raise me and yes, they bought what I needed but I don't think they love me. Because if they do, they won't at curse me, they won't say any spiteful words to me like 'You should just die' or 'Just leave, we don't need you here'. Don't they know that these words hurt so much. Also, I understand that it's my job to take care of my youngest siblings as I'm the oldest but they never appreciated what I did. Not a single 'thank you for taking care o your siblings' nor a 'you've done a great job'. I feel like I'm just a nanny except a nanny is being paid.

As for my siblings, well, I think they take me for granted. I know that I'm not their 'ideal sister', I have imperfections, you know but I do my best to help them and take care of them but the same as my parents, no 'thank yous' ever crossed their mouths instead, they'll demand more and be angry if I can't help them in the slightest.

And my friends... I really do treasure them but I can't reach out for them because of long distance and this pandemic added, not allowing gatherings and travelling. And one is just faking being a friend. I can feel it. We're not what we are before.

It's so sad being alone, just by yourself. You don't have someone to turn to. You shoulder your own burden as well as the burden of your family.

I've discovered that I'm great at acting. I mask my sadness with a smile, I can fake that I'm happy and that I'm enjoying myself. I can even fake my laugh when I'm in the presence of other people, you know. But as soon as there are no one, my mask disappear and I'll stare somewhere blankly, I'll feel down, every negative thoughts will fill my head as well as my heart making me tear up, and eventually cry and make me want to just end my life so I can end this misery.

I know everyone of us is dealing with different kinds of problems and hardships. Some may say that what I'm going through is nothing compared to theirs. But what can I do? This feelings, this thoughts always linger within me. No matter what I try to distract myself, I can't just erase 'em all.I hate feeling this way. I feel so helpless, so vulnerable. I... I don't know what to do. It's hard battling with myself while not letting anybody else in my family know about this condition of mine.

Please... Just please... Leave me alone... Please let me be... Go away... Please... End this... I beg you, anyone... Please...