and she was the moon.

most beautiful in darkness.

 -r.h sin

 

_____

 

There’s nothing more stressful than college coursework. Every single university student will agree on that. And the worst part of it all? It always feels like a surprise. During the first week, there won’t be anything to be submitted. And then all of a sudden, you have to submit three term papers for three different course subjects, an essay for a minor subject that’s too demanding (even more demanding than a major subject at that).

 

In a span of a week, different sorts of breakdowns, anxiety, and relief can be felt when it’s the finals week. It’s like going through hell and then back to living in just seven days.

 

Chorong wasn’t an exception for that. As soon as December first came, she was out and about to make sure that all her requirements were done a week before the declared “hell week”. That way, she was sure to be able to focus on her final exams.

 

“Hey, Rong!” she turned to see her blockmate Joohyun, or preferably Seohyun, called her name. “Have you finished your term paper for international law?”

 

She nodded and made space beside her, “Yeah, I just finished it last night. What about you?”

 

“I’m done as well. But I feel like I can make it better, you know?” Seohyun and Chorong were International Business students. Their degree program demands them to almost always bury their noses into books and computers to just get through an assignment. “Anyway, did you already think of what to give to the block this year?”

 

Chorong felt like she was caught off-guard. Of course! That was the reason why she felt like something was off the past few days. Eight days into December and she hasn't thought of anything yet. But Chorong would rather be swallowed by the ground than admit that she failed to think of something. “Yep! I did. What about you?”

 

Seohyun looked at her, confused by her sudden perky voice, “I got some personalized notebooks for everyone. Got their names engraved on it.”

 

That was something so smart! Chorong could have thought of it too if only she did not forget!

 

“What about you? What are you going to give me this year?” Seohyun was excited to hear what Chorong was about to say but she smirked.

 

“It’s a surprise!” she said to her close friend. “Where are Joohyun and Chaerin?”

 

“Don’t know,” Seohyun shrugged and then continued, “Maybe Joohyun’s with her gf again. And for Chaerin, I think she was drunk last night after finishing a whole bottle of bourbon on her own. Anyway, I need to go too. I’m looking forward to your gift Chorong! You always give the best gifts. Last year’s scarf was the best among the rest.”

 

“Sure thing,” Chorong nervously chuckled and waved goodbye. It was almost four in the afternoon and she needed to go home to think about what to give to her block. After grabbing all her stuff, she went ahead to the bus station.

 

Along the way, she spotted a familiar figure leaning on the bus stop sign. Her neighbor and childhood friend. Although they weren’t that close anymore. Chorong didn’t mind her and just stood in line, waiting for the bus herself.

 

Eunji, her neighbor, lives just beside their house. Although the girl was two years younger, their moms were sort of buddies in their neighborhood thus making them childhood friends and playmates. Chorong remembers how Eunji used to get into fights all the time because she would insist on joining the older people (Chorong’s school friends) and then when Chorong graduated, she found herself missing how close they were. Walking together to and from school, grabbing late night snacks on the roof, and even having sleepovers.

 

Chorong’s reminiscing was cut when the bus stopped in front of them. Eunji hopped inside and looked back, as if waiting for Chorong to do the same. So she did, she got on the bus and found herself a seat. She noticed that Eunji was sitting about four seats away from her so Chorong didn’t bother looking at the girl.

 

Honestly speaking, Chorong couldn’t recall why they drifted apart. But she was sure that it started when Eunji entered college. Coming from a small town, it was only natural that they would attend the same university (of course their mothers were also part of the equation). But to everyone’s surprise, Eunji took Multimedia Arts as her degree program and not architecture. Since her dad was a renowned architect, she was sort of expected to take the same steps. But things happened and Eunji insisted on that course. Soon after entering college, Eunji had her own peers.

 

And Chorong was busy with her own friends and coursework to begin with.

 

Getting off the same stop, Chorong always wondered why even though Eunji would get off first, it would always somehow end up with her walking ahead of the girl. Although Chorong didn’t give it much thought and just learned to live with it. As soon as she reached their gate, she looked at Eunji’s house and saw that the girl was also holding their gate. Eunji looked at her direction and nodded. She nodded back and went inside.

 

Now the real problem was: what should she give to her blockmates?

 

~

 

Chorong wasn’t able to sleep. Aside from finishing her last term paper for the semester, she was also thinking of a gift. She had a reputation to keep. She was the best gift giver of the block for the past three years and she wasn’t going to lose it!

 

The coffee she drank around four in the morning didn’t help much. She was dead sleepy and her body felt like it was slowly turning to rock. It felt heavy.

 

But of course, it was still a school day so Chorong got up from her bed, forced herself to take a shower (a cold one to try and wake herself up a bit), and got dressed. When she got out of their gate, she didn’t notice Eunji standing in front of their gate, on her way to the bus station as well. Chorong nodded, not in the mood for any interaction. For a moment, there was concern in Eunji’s eyes although she wasn’t sure because she was too sleepy for her own good.

 

Chorong was certain that Eunji was walking beside her though. Confused, she looked at Eunji, who looked at her, shrugged, and just said, “I don’t wanna witness someone collapsing. Just in case you decide to sleep on the ground.”

 

The girl brought out a chuckle from Chorong. Eunji always made her feel safe and just at ease. It was something she only felt when she was with the girl. Something she used to feel everyday for the past twenty two years of her life. Chorong remembered their Christmases together. Eunji used to jump over the balcony and just wait with her for Santa Claus to arrive. And then it hit her, “Hey, what do you want for Christmas?”

 

Eunji looked surprised, “What?”

 

“Christmas. Something you would want,” she repeated.

 

The younger girl hummed but didn’t answer. Not when they rode the bus. Not when Eunji made Chorong sit on the last seat available. And not when they reached their destination. Their conversation ended with Eunji just humming.

 

And that made Chorong sort of annoyed. Did Eunji really not want anything from her? After all the years of them being friends? It was just something that made her feel like she didn’t know Eunji at all.

 

Of course, her friends noticed why she was in such a bad mood. Joohyun even dropped her phone just to ask, “What’s up with you, Rong?”

 

“Nothing. Why do you all keep asking?” Chorong snapped.

 

Chaerin laughed, “You’re so snarky. It doesn’t suit you. You sound like a gangster.”

 

“Maybe I am! Just let me off the hook today. I haven’t slept a wink,” Chorong rolled her eyes. They were at their usual table at the students’ lounge. It used to be peaceful there until the Multimedia Arts students discovered that they could hangout there instead of the cafeteria.

 

“Urgh, the so-called cool kids are here again,” Seohyun complained under her breath. Chorong didn’t need to turn her head because she could hear Eunji laughing as if there was no tomorrow.

 

She wasn’t supposed to turn her head. Chorong wasn’t supposed to look at Eunji. But she did. And then Chorong remembered why she stopped talking to Eunji in the first place. Chorong felt it again. The first time she saw Eunji with her friends, Chorong felt like she was someone who was holding Eunji back. The way Eunji laughed made Chorong’s heart ache.

 

“Uh, Chorong, I think Eunji is staring at you,” Joohyun broke her trail of thought. Chorong met Eunji’s eyes, who was really staring at her. Somehow, Eunji was trying to say something but Chorong couldn’t understand so the girl stood up and started walking towards them. “Why is she walking towards here?”

 

Her friends kept quiet when Eunji smiled at them and then looked back at Chorong, “Chorong-ah.”

 

Seohyun’s eyes widened. Joohyun’s lips parted. And Chaerin? She was just chewing her gum with a smile on her face.

 

“What?” Chorong looked up, waiting for Eunji to continue.

 

“I’ve been thinking about you since this morning. What you asked me,” Eunji pulled a chair, twisted it so it was facing backwards, before sitting. She put a hand on her chin and said, “Cookies.”

 

Chorong stared at Eunji in confusion, “Eunji, what?”

 

“Cookies. I want cookies. The one we used to bake. I want them for Christmas,” Eunji gave her a smile and Chorong’s heart, again for a long time, raced. “Okay, gotta go. See you around, Rong Rong.”

 

And just like that, Eunji disappeared. She left with her friends. Chorong? She was now in the middle of an interrogation session from her friends. 

 

“Hey! An answer would be appreciated,” it was Seohyun who snapped her fingers in front of her face.

 

Chorong looked at her friends, completely out of it, “What was that?”

 

“We’ve been asking you! Like, for the last five minutes?” Joohyun sighs. “How did you know Eunji? What did she mean by ‘used to bake’?”

 

“Ah,” she blinked her eyes to think of a proper explanation, “We grew up together. She’s my childhood friend. Best friend, even.”

 

“You two are best friends but you never told us? And you never talked to her until today?”

 

Chorong felt guilty about not telling her friends but what was she supposed to say? Was she supposed to go like ‘hey, you know Eunji? Yeah we used to be friends until I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her and stopped talking to her entirely?

 

She stopped her thoughts. “It’s a bit complicated.” Chorong didn’t want to push the topic further so she took her bag and said, “I gotta go.”

 

Before her friends could say anything, she didn’t have any idea. But she did know what she needed to get.

 

~

 

It wasn’t until her mom called her that Chorong realized that she was already out late. It was past nine in the evening and she was still shopping for ingredients. “Sorry, Mom. I just needed to drop by the grocery and lost track of time along the way. I’ll be on my way home now.”

 

To Chorong’s surprise, she saw Eunji by the bus station, sitting and just playing with a stick. Chorong fought a chuckle because Eunji looked like a puppy.. She approached the younger girl and waved, “Hey, why are you still here?”

 

Eunji looked at her and yawned, “I waited for you.”

 

Chorong gave it her all to hide the embarrassment so she scoffed, “And why is that? You don’t have spare money right now? For the bus ride?”

 

“Not really,” Eunji waved her thick wallet and chuckled. “But I thought about the way home and it’s pretty dark. Auntie wouldn’t want you travelling alone so I waited.”

 

“What if I already went home?”

 

“Unlikely possible. The first bus on the way home is the one we ride in the afternoon. I have been here since then and not a single Chorong has been here. Except now,” Eunji said, rather too proudly.

 

“Fine, whatever,” she said under her breath and struggled to carry the paper bags which contained the ingredients she bought.

 

Eunji took the bags and handed her the thick wallet she was flexing earlier, “My money’s there.”

 

“So?”

 

“Obviously, you need to use it for the bus fare. I thought you’re supposed to be smart?” the girl teased. “What’s all of these anyway?”

 

“Baking needs. I thought about what you said and it was actually a good idea. I’m gonna give my blockmates some cookies. Thanks for the suggestion, by the way,” Chorong smiled. She noticed that Eunji was going to say something but stopped herself and just got on the bus when it came.

 

Just a block away from home when Chorong realized that she might have said something to hurt Eunji’s feelings. “Hey, Eunji,” she called.

 

“What?”

 

“Are you mad at me or something? You’ve been awfully quiet and I feel like I offended you,” she asked. Eunji shook her head and stopped in front of their gate. Chorong opened the gate and Eunji handed her the bags.

 

Then the younger girl smiled, “I’m not mad. Don’t worry.” Eunji reached out to mess Chorong’s hair, “Night, Rong Rong.”

 

~

 

Two days before Christmas and Chorong was already dead tired because of baking. She had been baking all night just to make sure that all the cookies she was going to give out were fresh and perfect in taste. Joohyun was the first one to receive her gift. Upon receiving it, Joohyun opened it immediately and took a bite.

 

“Chorong, this tastes amazing!” Joohyun exclaimed. It was slightly terrifying to see Joohyun’s pretty face bite off a reindeer’s head and even Santa’s head but it just showed that Chorong did a pretty good job baking. After years of not baking, she still has it.

 

“What’s that?” Chaerin took one and opened it. “Cookies! And I got a christmas tree,” she took a bite and practically moaned (kind of inappropriately to be honest).

 

Chorong sighed, “Chaerin, don’t make that sound again. I want to have a peaceful Christmas. Please.” Joohyun chuckled and compared her cookies with Chaerin’s.

 

Seohyun sat beside her and mumbled a thank you for the cookies, “Have you given Eunji her share of cookies?”

 

“What?” Chorong felt like she was caught red handed but of what?

 

“You didn’t make any for her?” Joohyun chipped in. Chaerin was also looking at her with confused eyes.

 

Seohyun shook her head in disappointment, “You asked for her opinion and you didn’t make her cookies? That’s just rude, Chorong.”

 

“I mean, Eunji doesn’t like this type of cookie,” she trailed off. Chorong clearly remembers how Eunji would always put too much cinnamon on the cookies they would bake.

 

“You should give her cookies, Chorong. She’s the one who gave you this idea in the first place,” Seohyun said while chewing the cookies she received.

 

Chorong thought about it. She was thinking very hard when she heard Eunji’s laugh. She looked at Eunji who was laughing with her friends, “She prefers it with cinnamon.”

 

~

 

It was December 24th and Chorong woke up early to see her parents before they left for Christmas shopping. Just as she closed their gate, she saw Eunji’s parents leaving as well. Chorong thought it must be the time for their annual pre-Christmas date.

 

Chorong prepared the stuff she needed for baking. She took out the cinnamon extract she bought before she went home last night. After that, Chorong ran to her room and opened her window. Just in front of her window was Eunji’s. She rang the makeshift doorbell they made when they were kids and waited until Eunji opened her window as well.

 

“What? It’s eight in the morning and I’m kinda drunk,” Eunji said with her eyes still closed.

 

“Are you busy?”

 

“I just woke up, you think I’m busy?” Of course, Chorong knew that Eunji was cranky during mornings.

 

“Come over. Help me with something.”

 

Eunji frowned, “Can’t it wait, Rong?” that was when Chorong noticed that the kid she used to play with when they were just young was already a full grown adult and she was fit. She realized that Eunji was wearing a sports bra to bed and just her PJ bottoms. Technically, Chorong saw how ‘fit’ Eunji was. And it was just eight in the morning.

 

“Come on, Meung,” Chorong looked away but crossed her arms. Eunji was surprised that Chorong called her that. Her heart softened and she took a deep breath. It’s been a while since Chorong called her that. The nickname that Chorong made just for Eunji.

 

“Fine,” Eunji turned around and grabbed a clean shirt from her dresser. “Give me five minutes, I’ll brush my teeth.”

 

“Faster,” Chorong sat on the edge of the window and looked at the strings she and Eunji placed when they were young. The drawing of the dolphin and lion holding hands was still there. Chorong unconsciously smiled.

 

At some point, she felt like she wasn’t good enough for Eunji. When Eunji ‘bloomed’ during her college days, Chorong realized that Eunji was like the sun and that people were naturally drawned to her. And even though Chorong wanted to keep Eunji to herself, she couldn’t. She didn’t want to restrain Eunji so she just stopped talking to the girl. Eunji still tried to reach out but eventually stopped when Chorong did not return any means to communicate.

 

“You okay?” Chorong got startled when Eunji spoke. “What did you need my help for?”

 

Instinctively, she moved to the side so Eunji could cross from her window to Chorong’s. When Eunji reached inside her room, Chorong stood up and briskly walked to her bedside table. She quickly hid the photo of her and Eunji when they were young and then walked towards the door. “Come, let’s go downstairs.”

 

Eunji followed while yawning. When they got to the kitchen, she was surprised to see baking ingredients all over the counter, “You woke me up because of baking, Rong?”

 

Before they stopped talking, their parents would always get mad at them for climbing over the balcony and sleeping in each other’s room. Oftentimes, it was Eunji who’s always sleeping beside Chorong. A lot of their highschool friends were still confused as to why Eunji never used honorifics with Chorong but they didn’t mind. They’ve always been like that. Eunji’s always been around where Chorong was.

 

Chorong nodded, “Let’s bake today, Meung.”

 

“I didn’t realize we went back to high school,” Eunji commented. She went beside the counter and took the flour, “I thought you didn’t like talking to me anymore.”

 

“It’s not that,” Chorong started mixing the wet and dry ingredients in one bowl before putting it in the mixer. “Just thought you preferred other friends.”

 

Eunji put chocolate chips on the bowl and then sat on the counter top. She took some of the chocolate and ate it before saying, “I don’t think I need other friends. You know I only want you.”

 

Chorong stopped scooping the batter and looked at Eunji, “What?” She 

 

“I’m still sad that you suddenly stopped talking to me,” the girl said.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chorong placed the cookies inside the oven and then turned to face Eunji, “What do you mean?”

 

Eunji grinned and used the candy cane and hooked the pocket of Chorong’s apron to move closer to where she was sitting. “I don’t want to be your friend,” she said.

 

It hurt Chorong to hear those words, “Okay. Sorry if I ruined your morning.”

 

“You didn’t,” the girl said softly. “You made my whole year when you talked to me asking me what I wanted for Christmas. But you also kind of broke my heart when you didn’t give me some,” Eunji pouted.

 

Chorong’s heart was beating rapidly inside her chest and it was also painful. “I thought I wasn’t good enough to be your friend.”

 

A husky chuckle escaped Eunji, “Really? I never thought of that.” She tilted her head and made Chorong look at her. “I think you’re the best.”

 

She would have said something but the oven dinged so Chorong found an excuse to turn around and escape Eunji.

 

“Come on, Rong,” Eunji hopped off the counter top and leaned against it. “I never thought you weren’t good enough for me. You were always more than good.”

 

Chorong left the cookies on the cooling tray. She wanted to escape from whatever Eunji was trying to say but the girl followed her to the living area. “You can go home now, Eunji.”

 

Eunji sat beside her, “Say, Rong Rong, do you really not feel anything from me?”

 

“You really have to ask that?” she tried to look away. Chorong fidgeted her fingers and saw her dry skin caused by the cold weather.

 

“No need to answer. But can we meet later? Before the Christmas eve dinner. Just want to spend a bit more time with you before you start ignoring me again,” Eunji smiled and patted her head. Chorong watched as Eunji went to their door by the garden and jumped over the fence. Her heart was still racing when Eunji left. Somehow, Chorong knew that they weren’t going to be best friends anymore.

 

~

 

Chorong told her parents that she was going to meet Eunji at the mall to do some last minute gift shopping. Of course that was a lie since she didn’t have a single clue of what they’ll do.

 

“It’s good that you two are talking about. I was getting tired of Eunji always dropping by asking if you slept,” her mom said nonchalantly.

 

“What?” she stopped moving and turned to her mom.

 

“She was always worried so I just thought you two had a fight. But Chorong, it’s Christmas. Make sure you make up with Eunji. Okay?”

 

She just nodded and went out of their house. Chorong decided to go to the mall first. She kept the cinnamon cookies safe inside her bag as she strolled. She tried very hard to keep her mind from Eunji and her words. It’s been around two years since she accepted that they would only be just friends. Again, Chorong thought she wasn’t good enough for Eunji. Maybe that’s why she just stopped talking to her best friend. Because she realized she liked Eunji more than that.

 

“I’ve been calling you since earlier,” Chorong was surprised to see Eunji behind her, trying to catch her breath and sweaty. “Why do you always ignore me, hmm?”

 

Guilty, she took her handkerchief and wiped Eunji’s forehead, “Sorry. I was lost in my thoughts.”

 

“No harm done,” Eunji smiled and stood straight. “Want something to eat?”

 

“Nothing,” she replied. There was that familiar feeling again when Eunji kept her hand on Chorong’s arm. “What did you want to talk about?”

 

Eunji hummed, again. It should have annoyed Chorong but the smile Eunji gave her really does the trick. There were a lot of people and Chorong was having a hard time keeping up with the person she was with. To her surprise, Eunji looked back at her and reached out her hand. “Want to go home now? There are too many people already. Might as well just go home.”

 

It was actually a good idea. But the holding hands part? She wasn’t sure. So Eunji put down her hand and just walked beside her. Somehow, they decided not to take the bus and just walk home, a more peaceful option. The night was obviously cold since it had been snowing for the past few days and it was just luck that the snow had stopped right before Christmas. But it didn’t change the fact that it was cold.

 

“Oh, right,” Eunji stopped walking and took something from her bag. “Since it’s snowing, I got you this.” she gave the paper bag to Chorong and scratched her nose while wearing that shy smile Chorong loved the most.

 

But Chorong was confused as to why Eunji would give her something and then it hit her. Eunji got her a gift because Chorong initially asked what she wanted for Christmas. So meaning Eunji was half expecting to receive cookies. The thought made Chorong guilty beyond imagination.

 

“You didn’t have to,” she opened the paper bag and saw beige knitted mittens inside. Along with a pair of socks.

 

Eunji cleared , “You’ve always complained about how the cold makes your hands and feet immovable so I got you those. And you’ve always worn scarves so giving you another one would be useless.”

 

She felt embarrassed, touched, and just warm inside. Chorong fished out the box she had been keeping safe inside her bag since she left their house, “I didn’t give you the cookies I baked before because I knew you wouldn’t like them.”

 

“What do you mean?” Eunji took the box and opened it. “Ahhh, cinnamon cookies!” she smiled so happily and then looked at Chorong. “I thought you didn’t add cinnamon while we were baking earlier.”

 

She didn’t. And then Chorong remembered, so she baked another batch when Eunji went home. But she wouldn’t tell Eunji that.

 

The way Eunji stepped closer and hugged her to the point where she was lifted off the ground, “Eunji!” she laughed, “Put me down.”

 

“Thanks, Rong! I really love the cookies you bake and it’s the only thing I look forward to when it’s Christmas season,” the placed her down and ate one cookie. “The best. Ever!”

 

She had to admit, Eunji looked too cute for her heart while eating. And then it started to snow. Chorong saw how a snowflake landed on Eunji’s nose so she reached out to remove it. What she did not expect was for Eunji to look straight at her with eyes so loud that it was almost as if Eunji was shouting something.

 

As her hand touched Eunji’s cheek and her thumb rubbed the girl’s nose, Chorong felt her breath hitch, “Snowflake.”

 

Eunji hummed and leaned towards Chorong’s hand. “Warm,” she said.

 

Chorong never wanted to be Eunji’s friend. That was the reason why she stopped talking to Eunji. She wanted more. Chorong always craved for more when it comes to Eunji. She loved the warm feeling only Eunji was able to give her.

 

“Are we friends again?” she mumbled. Internally, she wished for Eunji to say yes because she didn’t want to miss the warmth again. But a part of her also didn’t want to be friends with Eunji. It was a paradox.

 

Eunji shook her head, “I don’t want to be friends with you, Chorong.”

 

Her heart dropped. Chorong removed her hand and just smiled, “I know. I’m sorry.”

 

They started walking again. This time with an awkward silence between them. Chorong nearly got a heart attack when Eunji took her hand and interlocked it with hers. “I want something more, Rong.” Eunji spoke but still not looking at her.

 

“Ah,” was all she could say. She was speechless, surprised, euphoric, and everything in between. But she just smiled, hiding the blush spreading through her cheeks. “Okay.. more than that.”

 

Eunji grinned and squeezed her hand a little before sliding it inside her coat’s pocket. It was always like that with them. They do not need extravagant gestures or grand confessions. Being honest was always their thing. Chorong understood what Eunji meant. And of course, Eunji understood her better than anyone ever did.

 

It was enough.