“A quarter for your thoughts?” Hyukjae asked in the gentlest tone he could muster.

Donghae sat still, almost refusing to acknowledge the other man's presence. His eyes always appeared melancholic, which ultimately became his trademark that most people find endearing and captivating, but right now, his brown orbs looked even more solemn, stowing away feelings, keeping them at bay in fear of appearing vulnerable or childish.

“I’m not a mind reader, you know,” Hyukjae muttered under his breath, slightly pissed off at Donghae’s silence. The exhaustion from his demanding schedule was catching up to him.

Donghae’s heart hammered against his chest. This was what he feared the most—disappointing the man he loves with his every fiber. But he just didn’t know where to start. What could he say? Could he even speak his mind when he knows it would only cause a rift between them? Does he even have the luxury and the courage to tell him that he’s slowly getting weary of keeping up the pretense that they’re nothing more but business partners, groupmates... friends? For how long would he keep on composing songs about Hyukjae without letting the world know that it’s about him? Could he really afford to tell Hyukjae what’s consuming him? 

He thought otherwise, so he replied after a long sigh, “Nothing. I’m just tired. I did not have enough sleep.”

“You’re lying,” Hyukjae responded in resignation but the irritation in his voice has vanished.

Hyukjae scooted closer to Donghae who even looked more downhearted upon hearing the concern and fondness in his partner's voice. The warmth of Hyukjae’s voice has always been his weakness. He always found himself giving into it. 

“I’m tired,” Donghae whispered, his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his beautiful face. His tears were threatening to fall, and once they do, there would be no way to stop them.

“Hey…” Hyukjae leaned into Donghae, wrapping his arm over his lover’s shoulder in a reassuring hold. “Look at me,” he said while shushing and gently removing Donghae’s hands from his face.

His heart jumped to his throat when he saw Donghae crying, his face contorted from stopping himself from sobbing. The first time he saw Donghae like this was when his father died. The heartbreaking image of Donghae’s crying and aggrieved face made its way into his dreams, which woke him up countless times in the middle of the night, breathless and terrified out of his wits. He always prayed that he may never witness the most important person in his life in that state again, but here he was, looking straight into Donghae’s eyes that had haunted him for nights. His own cluelessness even made him feel worse. He did not have a single idea why Donghae was acting this way, more so on how he could make him feel better.

“Hyukjae-ah,” Donghae uttered in between sobs. “I’m sorry but I’m tired.”

Not wanting to appear so oblivious in front of Donghae, Hyukjae answered, “Is your knee hurting again? Shall we cancel today’s plans? I can tell the production crew that you’re not feeling well.” 

Hyukjae was about to stand to find someone from the production crew but Donghae caught the hem of his shirt,stopping him from leaving.

“It’s not about that,” Donghae whispered, trying—but failing—to compose himself. Hyukjae sat back and took Donghae’s face in his hands to wipe another batch of tears that had started to fall on the face which he adores beyond words.

“What is it?” Hyukjae replied in a note that says he’s willing to hear everything Donghae has to say—that he’s ready to take whatever it is.

“Shall we stop?”

Hyukjae’s hands froze and he let out a nervous laugh. “You know that could mean a lot of things, right?”

“We have to stop pretending.” 

Donghae looked up straight into Hyukjae’s confused eyes. Despite his attempt to look resolved and firm, Donghae couldn’t stop himself from shedding tears yet again because of the pained expression taking over Hyukjae’s face. He hated seeing him hurt as much as he loves his cheery, gummy smile. But he has to do this. For both of them. Even if it hurts. Even if he wouldn’t recover from the pain.

“I’m not quite sure what you mean, Donghae,” Hyukjae said, his voice was tinted with fear and he tried to cover it up by letting out a soft laugh. He always does this. He always tries to hide his sadness by smiling, his pain by laughing. 

“We both knew from the very beginning that there will be an end to this, Hyukjae. We were aware but we chose to turn a blind eye.”

“An end to what, Donghae?” Hyukjae asked while shaking his head, as if begging Donghae not to say whatever he’s thinking.

“Whatever we call this thing between us,” Donghae whispered, his hand spanning the distance between their chests. 

“You call it love, Donghae. You can’t stop love,” Hyukjae answered firmly.

“I know you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I know what you mean but I do not understand why. Why all of a sudden? Why now, Donghae? We’ve been in this kind of set-up for 20 years. So why the hell should we stop now when it’s getting better?”

“That’s the point!” Donghae half shouts, standing in the process.

"Because I know how wonderful it can be. And the more wonderful it is, the more painful it will be when it ends."

"It doesn't have to end," Hyukjae said. The gentleness in his voice coming back as he went after Donghae.

Donghae turned his back on Hyukjae. Shaking his head, he replied, "Don't say that. We both know that's not a certainty."

“Then what do you suppose we do?”

Donghae’s hands flew in the air in exasperation. “Ask yourself that. Are we going to keep up this façade that we're nothing more but friends? We know that this is taking a toll on us both. What will happen next? Have you thought of that? We both know this is the end of the line, Hyukjae. There’s no moving forward. We’re stuck in this loop of pretending and hiding and only getting to love freely when it’s just the two of us.”

Hyukjae knew perfectly well that Donghae has a point but even so, he did not want to accept it or let the other man’s worries and doubts get the better of him. 

“I love you,” was what Hyukjae could only say. 

Hyukjae was never good at expressing his feelings but he rambled on as if his life depended on his every word. “And you know I tried to stop it, Donghae. We both tried to stop it. I wanted to stop loving you. I, too, wanted to stop all this. I, too, am tired from turning my heart into a prison cell that barred all my love for you, as if loving you is a crime, as if loving each other is a crime just because it’s something not everyone accepts and understands. Believe me, I’m exhausted as well. But what can I do, Donghae? I can’t lose you. I might die. I can’t fight this alone, Donghae. I can’t fight for the both of us. You promised we’re going to see this through, right? That we’re going to see where this will lead us and that even if we have reached the end of the road, then we’re going to walk on the same path all over again because it’s going to be fine as long as we’re together.”

Donghae turned to face Hyukjae, and he wasn’t mistaken when he heard Hyukjae’s voice falter. Sure enough, Hyukjae’s head was bent down, looking at his feet as if he dropped his words on the floor and he’s trying to collect them back.

“I’ll do anything. Yes, you’re right. We should stop pretending. We can tell everyone our relationship. I’m willing to risk it all. I’m willing to give up everything I have. Just don’t leave me, please.”

Donghae shook his head, sympathy and affection taking over his system while looking at Hyukjae who seemed so frightened, confused, lost, and choking up for words. It was not like Hyukjae to be irrational, but that’s what he’s doing now. A part of him was grateful that Hyukjae is ready to throw everything he has earned down the drain, but he felt bad as well, because he knew and has witnessed how glorious and radiant Hyukjae is on stage, how happy he is with what he does, and how much passion and vigor he has for his career. And hearing how he’s ready to give up all those to keep him tore his heart apart. Why couldn’t they have what they wanted? Why do they have to give up one to keep one? Hyukjae deserves everything he yearns for in this world. Why can’t they hold each other’s hand in public, lean their heads on the other’s shoulder, melt into each other’s arms, and get lost in their own little worlds without receiving scornful looks, judging eyes, and disapproving whispers? Why couldn’t they love without limits when that’s what they desire most? Why do they have to suffer because of other people’s indifference and hatred towards things they do not and refuse to understand? Why should their love suffer when it’s as simple yet wonderful and magical as the rest?

“Don’t give up on me, Donghae. Please. Not now. Not ever. You know I can’t…” Hyukjae’s voice trailed off as he began to cry, trying to imagine how he could go on without Donghae.

Donghae ran his hands through his hair in frustration but immediately composed himself to close the distance between him and the now sobbing Hyukjae.

He placed his hands on his shoulders, bringing to reality his shaken-up dried anchovy before locking him in a tight embrace, silently hoping his touch would be enough to sew them both together.

“We’re cursed, you know that?”

Hyukjae buried his face into Donghae’s chest, his breathing stabilizing and easing into stillness. “I know. But I’ll receive them with open arms. I’ll gladly accept them all because despite all those, I have you. You’re my greatest fortune.”

“And you are mine,” Donghae whispered back into Hyukjae’s hair. “I’m sorry.”

Hyukjae leaned deeper into the embrace, whispering, “Don’t be. Just hold me until the pain subsides little by little. We don’t have to think about anything right now. Just hold me.”

Donghae shook his head but a smile was finding its way into his face. 

“You’ll be the death of me,for goodness sake.”

“I’ve already died a thousand times because of you. But you also resurrect me each time.”

A hearty laugh escaped from Donghae’s chest from the unlikely sentimental remark of Hyukjae. 

“Well, isn’t that alarming?” He responded while holding Hyukjae at arm’s length to have a good look on his face. He breathed a sigh of relief when Hyukjae wiped his nose—charmingly—and flashed his favorite gummy smile.

“I know. But I’m in too deep. I told you before, right? You’re my drug and I’m addicted.”

Just as they broke off from their conciliatory hug, a member from the production team entered the room to announce that they’ll be starting the interview in a minute.

“You ready?” Hyukjae asked, his pinky finger tugging at Donghae’s.

Donghae tugged back and replied, “Ready.” 

And the two of them came out of the room, hope glinting in their eyes that someday soon they’ll get to brave the outside world as they are.