To the love of my childhood, what was that?

Some people label it as love, but honestly, all the good things in life seldom have a label bestowed upon. In my defense, up until senior high I used to not believe in love, it used to be confusing, an abstract noun, it meant to be felt. But lucky enough in that senior high, for love I do think there are certain signs, like the way you feel around them.as if you’re lighter than air and you can just float or how you feel those butterfly flying around inside your tummy. But seriously, you could just talk to other or his twin about him all the thing you could adore for like 1 day straight and it’s not enough.

He maybe possesses a hundred thousand flaws but when you look at him, and all you see is just that cute-adorable-good kid with big intimidating eyes yes that’s love.  

For this story that I’m going to tell you guys, I pass the confusion of what was love, really, when his twin whose actually my lil dumpling (yes his twin is a girl and yes she’s friend of mine, yes this is so shus) telling me about the problem they face that time and how he protect her and her mom, I realize that I am way past that phase of confusion, and actually free falling in the air, silently hoping that he’ll jump too, but like what Wilson Fisk say life isn’t fairytale not everyone deserve a happy ending. 

Yes, it was around my kindergarten phase. I was labeled as the ugly one or so I thought (damn stop the insecurities), all the butterfly is there? Yes but on serious note, we were just kids playing around, so no biggie, it was just me adoring the eyes, those twin are so cute since I’m the first kid, I wonder how is it feels to got a brother that can protect you? that’s it. Oh and my agressive-stupid-a** did send them-NO-him a love letter? In elementary school (don’t judge me, keep on reading) the response? He said he doesn’t know me. I know I’m a freak, stop.

Allright, so it was curled up in senior high when I don’t know how I get close with his sister that time and yeah there you go the one sided love goes or so do I thought until now. Since his name is a galaxy related, I always conclude that maybe, I am the sun. One day when he out there watching man in black and we’re in an intense chat, out of nowhere he told me:

“don’t fall for me, let me fall first, I’ll catch you” 

my heart went badooom damn this boy, what funny is you can’t catch me even if you fall for me first right? Because the sun cannot touch the stars as they’re million of lightyears away from each other and I always terrified to burn you dear if you ever gets the chance to touch me. Silly me thought that day maybe ever since the dawn of mankind, maybe the sun has always existed beside the Antares, the brightest star of scorpio. 

It’s all thru social media and when we met actually after those kindergarten butterfly, he still the same, matching with his astrology sign, as terrifying  as his sign in a Greek legend that the scorpio stung orion to death, his eyes is  just as intimidating as his Greek legend. An alpha indeed but he move so slow that i thought maybe he doesn’t want this maybe as he meet me in person and after all the chat I’m not matching any criteria in his head, and if this turn out to be awkward, I better got the friendship renewed.

Yeah out of nowhere everything downhill, he never contact me and I never got the guts to contact him too. But hey scorpion boy you got place, a big one in my heart. You orbit around me big eyes. It’s just maybe the gravity around you is so much stronger than mine

You know if somehow you found this, I want you to know, the definition of love in that middle of the night you told me-after we talk about who is who in your photos-is wrong. You said about how love is just about a girl who will nag you,  how relationship is a complex things, and how you always though rather than felt love is a complex word, about a thousand apologies that were never truly felt and how defeaning love is

I want to tell you that

Abang, 

before shifted into grand declarations, bouquets upon bouquets of flowers delivered on val’s day, expensive gifts, planned dates, and always turned into way of proving to others.

love used to be whisper, giggles in the back of the class in between two classmates. Handwritten letters that were never sent to the boy with big eyes who always got everything in his hand. Love used to be silent, a secret something to keep within your heart that you’ll possibly open up as a substitute to a warm rainbow cake that your sister and I made that old rainy day. Love was warm, gentle and innocent, it didn’t have to be loud abang, didn’t have to be as complex as you thought, it just had to be felt.

Have a good 27 big guy,

untuk si paling terang dihidupku, 

si anak ambisius yang selalu bisa dapat yang kamu mau, 

si anak manis, 

si anak baik yang tatapannya bisa bikin perutku banyak kupu-kupunya bahkan sejak masih pakai seragam kuning-hijau

Kamu aku lepas, bukan karena kamu ku- ikat atau kamu ikat aku aduh yang benar saja kita di tingkatan yang berbeda, 

Ini lebih ke karena bayangan what if-nya sudah aku lepaskan, terbang yang tinggi, senyum yang terang.

nanti kalau reinkarnasi benar-benar ada, ketemu lagi ya? Kalau memang berakhir kita hanya selayang lewat lagi it’s okay, karena berarti kamu lagi-lagi jadi bagian indah keren ngga? di hidup orang yang kamu bahkan lupa mungkin ya? 

Baik-baik anak baik