"When did you know that it was over?" Irene asked for the nth time today.

 

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin sigurado kung kailan ko narealized na wala na talaga.

 

Is it the mornings that I no longer wake up with her by my side, smiling at me, and waiting for me to open my eyes and tell me that I look pretty early in the morning?

 

The random heart-fluttering messages I get that were no longer there after a year of living together?

 

No more constant updates that I don't ask, but she still does so. So, I don't worry about her?

 

Or is it when it felt that living together was no longer the way it was before….. that we only stayed in those four walls, solely because it already became a role that we needed to portray— and no longer because we were preparing for more… like settling down.

 

It's the smallest things that you get used to, that tells you when a person was no longer the person that they were, when you first met them.

 

Change is constant.

 

You can't stop something or someone from changing their ways. But nobody told me that they might turn into a completely different person— right before my eyes.

 

"Hindi ko talaga alam, but it hit me that night. That last dinner we had together, before she moved out of our apartment."

 

She went home late that night, which is naging madalas lang kasi panay ang aya ng mga kaibigan niya after class. I knew she'll be hungry pag-uwi niya kaya I skipped dinner and waited for her, so she won't be eating alone.

 

 

It's 10pm, and she's still not texting me. I tried calling her, nagr-ring pero hindi sinasagot. Hinahayaan lang na magring yung phone niya hanggang sa dumiretso 'yon sa missed calls.

 

Lisa was never like this. She used to update me whenever she can, aniya'y para hindi ako nag-aalala sa kaniya. But these days, she's starting to change.

 

I asked her friend, si Seulgi. Turns out, Lisa has changed her circle of friends too. They no longer hang out together. She found friends that are…. well, the exact opposite of her old friends.

 

Her old circle doesn't tolerate going out on a weekday night. They believe that the perfect time for going out is when you don't have any backlogs that you have to worry about the morning you wake up after a long night.

 

This one, the more she's hanging out with them. The more she craves to the freedom that she has with them. They don't put her to limit, which she really likes. She likes having full control of herself.

 

It's already quarter to midnight. Dinadial ko ulit yung number niya nang bumukas yung pintuan ng apartment. Mabilis na kumalat yung amoy ng alak pagpasok niya, kaya agad akong napatakip ng ilong.

 

She still has a class tomorrow. For pete's sake!

 

"Baby, why did you drink a lot? May klase ka bukas 'di ba?" Agad ko siyang nilapitan kasi mukhang matutumba siya.

 

"Minsan lang naman, Jen." tumatawang sabi niya.

 

"Minsan? That's three in a row this week. Just this week, Baby. Minsan pa ba 'yung ganiyan?" Inalalayan ko siya papunta sa bathroom para hilamusan yung mukha niya at pag toothbrush-in siya.

 

Nakatingin ako sa salamin habang tinutoothbrush-an ko siya. She still looks the same, pero somehow…. she feels different.

 

She's now far from the Lisa I knew. So much has changed in a span of few weeks. Was it only a week? or a month? or is it in a span of a year?

 

I helped her change her clothes, and sat her down para makakain siya ng dinner. I gave her a cold water first, para mahimasmasan siya. I waited for her to cool down, saka ko hinain yung ininit kong dapat ay dinner naming dalawa kanina.

 

 

The silence is killing me.

 

 

I'm not used to her not talking. Kahit pa sabi ay bawal ang maingay sa hapag. But Lisa used to tell me stories on how her day went during dinners. We took up different courses, kaya naman dinners are usually the only time we got to talk about our day.

 

She's just munching her food. Not even bothering to look at me, or at least glance at me.

 

Sana pala hindi ko na lang ginustong tignan niya ako. Because the moment our eyes met….

 

 

I feel like I'm looking at someone I have no idea who.

 

"Who are you?"

 

 

"Hello! Earth to Jennie! Bakit natulala ka na diyan?" Irene snapped at me.

 

"Wala naman."

 

"How is it going pala? 'Di ba nanliligaw sa'yo 'yon? For how long na nga? Grabe ha! Her audacity to want you back after what she did!" Halos ma-murder na niya yung inorder niyang steak sa inis.

 

"Two. It's two years already." I smiled.

 

"Two years na pala. I wonder kailan siya titigil, it looks like wala naman na talaga e. Kasi you won't make her wait that long kung mayroon pa." saka siya uminom ng champagne niya.

 

"I told her already, Rene. That I have no plans on going back to her. Siya lang talaga 'tong mapilit."

 

"I'm still furious that she chose to break up at the most inconvenient time ha! Gusto ko pa rin siyang sakalin dahil sa mismong finals niya ginustong makipag-split. Like?! You almost failed the exams kaya non! Graduating na tayo non! Hindi ba siya nag-iisip?" she said hysterically.

 

Muntik nang hindi pumasa. Muntik hindi grumaduate. All because I was too wrecked to function.

 

 

It's two days away ng final examinations namin. I want to pass, I want to graduate on time.

 

We stayed in a relationship even after Lisa moved out of our apartment. It became more difficult to handle after she moved out. She became more rebellious— if that's the right term to call it.

 

I heard from Seulgi na she barely passed any of her subjects kasi palaging absent. As much as I want her to stop whatever she's doing, to tell her to focus on her study at hindi yung palaging lumalabas kasama yung mga kaibigan niya.

 

 

She wouldn't let me.

 

 

She told me na when she walked out of our apartment. She was no longer my responsibility— that I no longer have control of the things she can and can not do.

 

She craves for that freedom, that she walked out of the relationship we built together. And it started to fail nung pinili na niya yung mga kaibigan niya kaysa sa akin.

 

Lis:

Jen, can we talk?

 

Lis:

Jen, we need to talk.

 

Lis:

Jen, hindi ko na 'to pwedeng patagalin.

 

 

Hindi ko pinapansin yung mga messages niya. I already know what she wants us to talk about. I am not numb. Gusto ko lang munang matapos 'tong exams.

 

I need to pass. I need to graduate on time.

 

But it looks like, she doesn't care if I pass this semester or not. If I graduate on time or not.

 

 

"Jen, I'm sorry. But I no longer want to be with you. We were fine at first, I'll give you that. But in the long run, you started to be just like Mama. You control the things I can and can not do. And it's suffocating me. I want to be free." she took a deep breath. "Gusto kong lumaya, but I stayed kasi I wanted this first 'di ba? I wanted us to live together. But now, I wanted more. I crave for more freedom, Jen. And I can't have that if I'm still living with you."

 

We were fine at first….

You started to be just like Mama...

You control….

It's suffocating me….

I want to be free…

I can't have that if I'm still living with you….

 

 

Nagkita kami sa favorite spot namin inside the University. She just won't stop texting and calling me, hindi ako makapagreview nang maayos, kaya nakipagkita na ako.

 

"Lisa, bakit ngayon pa? Hindi ba pwedeng after finals na lang? After graduation? You think I can still function after this? Lisa naman. I'm on the brink of failing this semester. This is my last chance para makabawi, gusto kong grumaduate." frustrated na sabi ko.

 

Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto ko siyang sigawan. Gusto ko siyang saktan. Gusto ko siyang maglaho na lang sa harap ko.

 

"Ayoko nang patagalin pa, Jen. I want us both to be free. I know you almost didn't pass the prelims and midterms because of me. You can't keep doing that, Jen. I was no longer your responsibility."

 

"No longer my responsibility? Lisa, naririnig mo ba 'yang sarili mo?! I am your girlfriend. Nakalimutan mo na rin ba? 'Yan ba dulot sa'yo nang kakasama mo sa mga barkada mo?!" I yelled.

 

"I let you be with them, kasi I never saw you that happy when you were with me— with your old friends. It hurted na lagi mo na silang pinipili over me, but nagreklamo ba ako? I didn't. I let you, kasi you were the happiest when you are with them. And I promised to make you happy 'di ba?" I saw how she wanted to wipe my tears ng isa-isa na silang nagbagsakan but she stopped herself from doing so.

 

"I didn't leave. Even when it felt that i was no longer in a relationship with you— when it felt that i was now left with myself. Kahit may 'tayo' pa. I waited for you to come back to me, kasi ganun ka dati 'di ba? No matter how long you hang out with your friends, you're still going home to me." Nanginginig na ako sa galit.

 

"I watched you turn into a complete stranger right before my eyes, Baby. It hurts so ing much, but I don't have a choice, right? Change is constant. Wala akong laban doon." I laughed sarcastically. "The only thing I can do now is to let you go, right?" I smiled bitterly.

 

 

I wiped my own tears. I need to learn that now, to do things on my own.

 

 

"You were mine just yesterday. Now I have no idea who you are, Lis."

 

I moved closer and hugged her tight. If this is the last time I'd be close to her like this. Then I want to make the most out of it.

 

"Go after your freedom. Be free, my Love." I whispered in her ear.

 

And when she was about to hug me back, I pulled out. I don't want her to hug me back— I don't want to miss the feeling of being hugged by her.

 

"Go." I mouthed to her when she stood still, staring at me.

 

 

 

"I passed, Rene. I graduated on time. Iyon lang naman ang importante 'di ba?" napainom ako ng tubig.

 

"You passed, yes. You graduated on time, yes. But you missed something because of that , Jen. You were supposed to graduate with latin honors. You worked hard for that. All for it to go down the drain dahil sa gagong 'yon." gigil na sabi niya.

 

"Rene, it's okay. It's all in the past now. That was four years ago, already. Masaya na ako sa kung na saan man ako ngayon." Pagkalma ko sa kaniya.

 

"It's all in the past." She scoffed. "Pero nagpupumilit bumalik yung nanggago sa'yo sa past." She rolled her eyes.

 

I chuckled.

 

"Ako na." Pagpupumilit ni Irene nang mahatid na sa amin yung bill.

 

"No, it's on me. Ang tagal kaya nating hindi nakapagdinner ng tayo lang. Seulgi's always with us, kaya siya lagi ang nagbabayad." Agad siyang natawa.

 

Totoo naman e! Laging inaagaw ng girlfriend niya yung bill kapag kasama namin siya.

 

"Fine." Pagsuko niya, saka ako hinayaang ilagay yung card ko.

 

"How are you guys nga pala?" tanong ko.

 

"Going strong siyempre." Pagyayabang niya.

 

Dapat naman talagang ipagyabang. They've been together for how many years already?

 

"How long are you guys together na nga ulit?" I asked.

 

"Ten, Jen. It's been ten years already." Wow.

 

"A decade, huh?" I raised my brow. "What's the secret?" usisa ko.

 

"Let's say, consistency." nag-isip pa siya. "Communication, when I say communication— you listen, you talk, and you understand. Hindi pwedeng isa lang makikinig, magsasalita, at iintindi. You have to do both. Then compromise." Sandali siyang natigil kasi umilaw yung phone niya.

 

Nagtext yata si Seulgi.

 

"And of course, spice things up every now and then. To keep the excitement going." she winked. Gaga!

 

Paglabas namin ng restaurant nandoon na si Seulgi, nakasandal sa hood ng kotse niya. Yung sasakyan ko yung gamit namin on the way sa restaurant kanina, mabuti na lang nasa ibang lupalop si Seulgi kanina nung nag-aya ako ng dinner kaya nakapag solo kami.

 

"Madaya." Seulgi pouted nang makalapit kami.

 

"You get to eat with her almost everyday, Seul. I just want to eat with her, alone. Iyong kami lang. Grabe! Pinagdadamot mo na ba sa akin 'yang bestfriend ko?" Biro ko nang yumakap na si Irene sa beywang ni Seulgi.

 

"Hmp! I should start setting you up with everyone I know. Para double date na ang ganap natin, hindi ka na mukhang thirdwheel." Biro naman ni Seul.

 

"If there's someone that's just like you, on how you handle a relationship, then I'm up for it." Hamon ko.

 

"Jennie, not my Seulgi!" Pag-angal naman ni Irene, hinigpitan niya pa yung yakap kay Seulgi.

 

Si Seulgi naman tumatawa sa reaksiyon ng girlfriend niya.

 

"I said, someone just like her, Rene. Hindi siya mismo." I rolled my eyes.

 

"I'll look for someone in my circle. May kilala ako dati, pero hindi pa rin kami friends ngayon e. Sinaktan ka kasi nang sobra, so I'm really thinking hard about accepting her as my friend, again." I rolled my eyes.

 

Lisa told me she tried to reunite with her old circle of friends, right after she graduated, a year behind them. She failed the whole academic year dahil sa pinaggagawa niya.

 

Nakakasama na niya ulit yung iba, maliban kay Seulgi. Seulgi and Irene saw everything, kaya I can't blame her. She saw how wrecked I was because of her friend.

 

"Kung si Jennie kayang magforgive, ako hindi. Kasi hindi naman ako si Jennie." Seulgi said. When I told them na Lisa's trying to win me back.

 

"Take care!" Seulgi waved at me before closing her door.

 

I watched them drive away, with a smile on my face. I feel like a proud Mom, I watched them grow from the immature Irene and Seulgi to what they've become now.

 

I want that for myself too. Someone I can grow with.

 

"Jen," I turned around.

 

Lisa, with that smile I used to love way back in college. Holding a bouquet of roses, a few meters away from me.

 

"Para sa'yo." She handed me the roses.

 

I refused to accept anything from her, kahit simpleng gamit lang or favor. Kasi sa totoo lang, accepting it makes me think na I'm getting her hopes up.

 

Baka isipin niyang pwede pa. Na may pag-asa pa.

 

 

When clearly, wala na.

 

 

"Lisa, please. Stop this already." I begged.

 

She looked at me, straight in the eye. Siguro tinitignan niya if i got hurt nung sinabi ko 'yon.

 

"Baby, I can't. I don't want to. I want you back. I want us back, Jen." I saw tear escaped her eyes.

 

Nilapitan ko siya at pinunasan yung mga luha niya gamit yung thumb ko. Kahit parang hindi rin naman nakatulong.

 

"I wanted us to start over, Lis. When I felt like we needed it. But that was years ago. That was before you decided to walk away from the relationship we built, and chose your friends— your freedom. I loved you, Lili." She tried to hug me pero umiwas ako.

 

"I hated that you chose to go after your freedom before, Lili. But now, I want you to do it again. I want you to free yourself from me again. To love anyone but me, because I can't do the same for you anymore."

 

That was the last words I said bago ako pumasok sa sasakyan at nagdrive paalis.

 

Iniwan ko siya roon.

 

I didn't even hesitate to drive away, kasi buo na ang loob ko, matagal na.

 

Hindi na ako nag-isip kung babalikan ko ba siya roon, kasi para saan pa?

 

Hindi naman na magbabago yung desisyon ko.

 

Dahil hindi ako katulad ng iba.

 

I can not do things twice.

 

If I got hurt the first time, then I won't do it again.

 

 

Nasaktan na ako sa kaniya, at hindi na ako babalik pa.