Part 1: |Perfection|

Perfection: /pəˈfɛkʃ(ə)n/

a person or thing considered to be perfect.

 

A tired yawn escapes the tired thirty-four-year-old mother. She trudges into her polished marble-floored bathroom. Her indoor slippers squeak a little when it rubs against the marble floor. She stands in front of her sink, staring down at her blurred reflection. Her hands reach forward to turn on the faucet. The loud rushing water fills the empty bathroom and Jung eun’s ears. She does her night routine, like she always does, quietly, savoring the peace she finally gets after a hectic day. Once she finishes washing her face, she grabs her face towel on the side and daps her face dry. When she pulls the towel off her face and looks up, she sees a very tired-looking lady staring at her. 

That’s me. 

Jung eun thoughts aloud in her mind. 

Since when did my eyebags get so bad?

Jung eun sighs out when she pokes the dark eye bags under her eyes. It’s very clear now that she doesn’t have makeup on. She’s so used to caking her eye bag with a thick layer of foundation to cover up the darkening circle around her eyes that she fails to see how bad it has become. She keeps poking around until she gets tired of it. She rubs her face using both her hands. She feels how rough her hands have become. It’s been a while since she last moisturized her pair of hands. She has been neglecting any self-care procedures. She would rather use the time to take better care of her kids and her work than herself.

Deciding it’s time to head to bed, Jung eun drags herself out of the bathroom and turns off the light behind her. She shuffles to her bed and slowly sits down. She doesn’t bother turning to the other side of the bed. It’s empty. It has always been empty after Yeojin was born. Her husband has never been home after Jung eun gives birth to their second child. Overtime and business trips excuses have slowly evolved to nothing. She knows her husband is out there sleeping with his mistress, but she won’t kick up a big fuss on it. She doesn’t want her children to know about their father’s unfaithful deeds and she doesn’t want to destroy the picture-perfect family life that she has painstakingly built throughout the years. 

Jung eun slides her feet out of her slippers and leans back to lie on her bed. A soft contented sigh escapes when she feels her stiff muscles finally relaxing. Splurging on a good expensive mattress is by far one of the best choices Jung eun has made in life. She turns to rest on her side and reaches over to switch off the night lamp. She sees the time on her clock, and it makes her sigh.

‘2.30 a.m.’

Yet again, she’s going to have another three hours of sleep before she wakes up to start everyone’s day. There’s so much on her plate, so many things to do, but she can’t seem to do everything. She places her phone down and lies on her back. Draping an arm over her eyes, she tries to fall asleep quickly to catch as much sleep time. How she wished she’s not plagued by a disease called ‘Perfection’. It makes it hard for Jung eun to do the things that she wishes to accomplish. She wished...she was normal. Like anyone else. Their life looks so perfect in Jung eun’s perfectionist eyes. Her life looks perfect to many too. However, that’s because she has been the one pouring all the effort into creating that image. 

It’s not good for her. Jung eun knows it too. However, it can be hard to change. Especially since she has always been forced to be the ‘Perfect’ daughter by her parents. It’s only in this manner that she brings honor to her family despite the many achievements she has. It’s awful for her, but that’s what makes her parents give the attention that she wanted, and the face that her parents have always wanted during family or friends’ gatherings. 

-

Growing up and being raised in a family where success is extolled, and failure punished, Jung eun has been placed with a huge responsibility to be perfect. Since young, her parents have only sought perfection from their only child in every aspect of her life. Perfection in her academics to her as a person. Whatever things can be done to perfection, Jung eun's parents make sure their daughter does it. Her life has only revolved around the word perfection and nothing else. It's meaningless living for her. However, she has no say in it since her parents were constantly butting into her business. As much as she hates it, it’s only during such a time that her parents showed her their genuine concern and affection which was something she’s not going to pass upon. It's sad, but what could Jung eun do? Every kid longs for their parent's affection and attention. It's just the method to get it is different for everyone. 

Wherever she goes, the word perfect follows her around. Like it's hiding in her shadows. Jung eun feels like she was chained on the legs to the word 'Perfect'. No matter how hard she tries to run away from it, the word 'Perfect' acts like an anchor holding her down that she feels like she was rooted to the word and the ground. It stops her from spreading her wings and breaking free from this hellhole. She was no different from a bird unwillingly trapped in a birdcage. Jung eun knows she cannot run away from it no matter how hard or much she tries. So, she slowly stopped trying. She stopped running away from perfection and going against it. Jung eun accepted her fate. Her fate of never breaking free from being perfect. Every time Jung eun woke up, her eyes were always greeted by the piece of paper stuck onto her wall. Jung eun would wonder why everyone was seeking perfection from her. It became so bad that it was draining her mentally, and she felt that it was her responsibility to be perfect. As time flew by, Jung eun grew up to be a perfectionist who was never satisfied with her own life and everything she did. 

Her room's bookshelves were filled with many sketchy books on how to be perfect. Some taught the importance of being perfect, while some praised perfection and dissed imperfection. Jung eun senses something amiss about the books her parents were putting into her bookshelves. She could tell from how sketchy the author's name sounded, but she did not question her parents on it. She did not dare to question them. She feared voicing out her opinions because she knew her parents would lash at her for it.  She was young and naïve too. Jung eun would lock herself in her room and read such books. She tries to pick up ideas from the book on how she could be even more 'Perfect' than she already is to satisfy her parents and make them happy. Those ideas that she has picked up all have proven to work when she does well in life, and her parents constantly boasted about her during gatherings. It's during these rare occasions that Jung eun hears her parents speak so fondly and nicely of her, it makes her feel a little better on the inside. 

Due to how 'Perfect' Jung eun is, she's no stranger to compliments. Compliments often come around for Jung eun on how 'Perfect' she was. Everyone talks about how they couldn't find a single flaw in her. Jung eun was an all-rounder. She was the school's valedictorian for her entire school year. She was also the president of the student council in her high school year and the president of the volunteering club that she joined in university. She was a single Ph.D. holder and a double degree holder. Jung eun was also a good mother to her children and a loyal faithful wife to her husband. She was living the life that everyone wished to have. However, nobody sees that her journey wasn't all rainbows and sunshine before wishing to be like her. 

Jung eun would always wear a forced smile on her face whenever she receives those compliments. She doesn't want them at all. They weren't from her parents too, she doesn't see herself worthy of those compliments. Those compliments don't make her feel proud about being 'Perfect' because none of them knew how Jung eun truly felt when she worked so hard to be 'Perfect'. There's only one special occasion where a compliment about being 'perfect' makes her feel proud. It was from her first and last girlfriend. 

“You’re perfect.” Her first girlfriend complimented her.

Her girlfriend's very first compliment about her made her feel proud for being 'Perfect'. She felt that someone whom she loved a lot finally saw her effort and appreciated her for it. It unknowingly became her fuel to work harder. To be even more 'Perfect' than she already was. Whenever things go wrong for the girl or are not up to her satisfaction, she would beat herself up for it. She would scold herself for being incompetent and useless for not being able to complete the tasks needed to do. Oftentimes, Jung eun would find herself berating herself in the mirror. She would start lashing at herself while crying like a madwoman. She doesn't know why she does that, but it made her feel better. That was mentally draining for Jung eun but she can't stop herself from doing it. She can't show any sign of weakness to anyone. So she chooses not to confide in anyone about her problems. It will make her look weak, vulnerable, and fragile. All of those are flaws, not good for her 'Perfect' image. That was what slowly led to her first heartbreak too.

Due to her need in seeking perfection , she started imposing her standards of perfection on her loved ones and expects them to uphold similar standards as her. It got so bad that everyone around her started leaving her side. Leaving only her parents to seek comfort. Jung eun can’t wrap her fingers around why someone would want to be like her, she’ll love to be anyone else but herself. She hates herself for being Perfect. It was something she wanted to erase from her life. However, she couldn't. Jung eun is no longer a child. She is a grown adult and a mother of two kids, her parents still treated her as a kid and still enforced the need of being 'Perfect' on her. She doesn’t want to be known as the girl who is Perfect in all ways. She wants to be known as the girl who liked girls and once aspired to be an Olympic Swimmer.

She would often let out a sad chuckle whenever she reflected on her life. She is stuck in this vicious loop of Perfection. She's sinking deeper and deeper into this. She could barely see any light from how deep she had sunken. It's starting to drive her mad. Her husband once called her a lunatic, but she didn't mind because she felt like she was one already. She went berserk when there's an imperfection shown in her life. She was scared of it, scared that it would suddenly mess up her perfect cycle of life and everyone would shun her away. However, she chanced upon someone who offered their helping hand. That, someone, didn't understand her at first but they tried putting themselves in Jung eun's shoe. That, someone, started seeing things from Jung eun's perspective and she slowly understood the girl. They became Jung eun's guiding hand and showed the girl that being perfect was impossible and that being imperfect was perfectly normal.

-

Jung eun drops onto her armchair when she finally gets the time to rest. She relaxes into the armchair, and a contented sigh escapes . She’s glad she listened to Yerim’s words and got this armchair for herself. The armchair is bringing her a lot of comforts. Jung eun rubs her temples quietly as she savors the peace in her house. She has just put the kids to sleep. It wasn’t something easy to do. She hasn’t been sleeping well the past few days. She’s been surviving on less than four hours of sleep the past few days. If she keeps this up, she’s going to collapse anytime. 

Heaving out a sigh, Jung eun turns to look at her empty bed that has not been made. She could not be bothered to make the bed whenever she wakes up nowadays. The other side of the bed remains untouched. It reminds her of her useless husband who had not been home since God knows when. Her resentment towards her husband fills her mind and grows inside her like a tumor. Her husband was never home. Never home to help her with the kids or taking care of the household chores. She has to do all of them single-handedly. She's no different from a single mother. Her husband comes home as he wishes or when he wants to play with the kids. After he gets his share of fun and finishes his parenting duty, he leaves the house and never comes back until many weeks later. 

Jung eun quickly wipes away the warm tears forming in her eyes. She is super exhausted and she feels super disorientated. Her body system has started to malfunction, and her immune system is also weak now. She has not been feeling very well recently. She takes painkillers here and there to cope with the headache caused by the untreated flu that she caught. With no extra help at home, Jung eun has to do everything on her own. The idea of getting a babysitter does flash in her mind, but she stops herself from getting a babysitter because she still wants to uphold the picture-perfect mother image that she has created for herself. Not only that, she’s scared that she’ll drive the babysitter away because she would push all her expectations on them. She can’t even stop herself from pointing out the mistakes her kids make, so what makes her able to stop herself from pointing out the mistakes of a stranger who will be caring for her kids. Just as she’s fretting over this issue, a soft voice coming from the door catches her attention.

"Mommy? Are you asleep?"

"Hey," Jung eun greets softly as she rushes to sit up, "I'm not asleep, what's up?"

Yerim rushes to her mother. Her walking turns to a sprint. Jung eun welcomes her daughter into her arms, giving the girl a warm hug. Yerim snuggles closer to her mother and melts in her mother's embrace. The two savor this intimate moment with one another before Yerim asks something in a whisper.

"Is daddy not coming home again today?"

"Not today baby," Jung eun says softly as she combs her fingers through Yerim's hair. She does it gently and lightly scratches Yerim's scalp and it makes the girl let out a contented sigh. She looks down and sees a dejected look on Yerim's face. 

"Do you want me to read your bedtime story instead?" Jung eun asks, hoping to distract Yerim for a bit. 

"Yes!" Yerim beams, but the smile drops when she sees how tired her mother is. She looks down at the teddy bear in her hands and asks, “Are you sure? You look tired though. I don’t want to trouble you…”

"You're never a trouble to me," Jung eun assures softly as she tightens her hug on Yerim, "Anything that you want me to do is not a trouble at all."

"Okay, thank you, mommy. I love you," Yerim says as she cups her mother's tired face using her small hands. Jung eun's melt at that act. She shut her eyes and leaned into her daughter’s touch. Yerim has always been the sweeter one and always the one supplying Jung eun energy to continue. She is also the most understanding one because despite the numerous times Jung eun has accidentally caused a drift in their relationship, Yerim would always forgive her. Yerim has unknowingly become Jung eun's pillar of support. Jung eun wouldn't know what to do or how to cope if Yerim wasn't around in her life. 

There was one incident that happened which caused a strain on her relationship with Yerim. The guilt she felt that day still eats her alive until today, how she wished she didn't behave that way on that day. 

On her bus ride home, Yerim can't help but feel scared. She's coming home with her report book today. She didn't do well because of a project that pulled her overall grades down. It wasn’t Yerim’s fault that her groupmates weren’t helping her with the project, she carried the whole group on her back and they all got a better grade than Yerim. Yerim tried to explain to the teacher in hopes she would get a better grade but her teacher shakes her head saying that she should have gone to her instead of doing it all alone. Yerim cried in the bathroom alone that day because of the big fat F in her report and also because she knew her mother would flip out if she saw her grades.

Yerim has never once met her mother’s expectations of her and it always bothered her. She wants to be the best for her mother but she just couldn’t do it no matter how hard she tried. With how Jung eun was pushing her and being harsh on her whenever things didn't go her way instead of being understanding, it made it so much harder for her. She rubs her sweaty palm on her jeans and stares out of the window, counting the trees she sees to distract herself from ting herself in the bus. Halfway into counting the trees she sees, she feels a tap on the shoulder. Yerim turns back and sees Hyejoo and her other classmate looking at her with concerned eyes.

"Are you okay Yerim?" Hyejoo questioned worriedly.

"I'm okay," Yerim says with a forced smile before turning to look away. Hyejoo didn’t buy it and moved to sit next to Yerim.

"Is it about your grades Yerim?" Ash asked as she leaned over Yerim's headrest to look at the girl.

When Yerim doesn't answer the girl, Ash and Hyejoo know Yerim is worried about facing her mother due to her grades. Hyejoo doesn't know what else to say but to hold the girl's hand tightly in hers. Ash lets out a soft sigh and ruffles Yerim's hair while comforting the girl. Yerim is thankful to have Hyejoo and Ash by her side, she would have cried silently to herself on the bus if they didn't come and comfort her when they sensed her distress. 

The bus comes to a slow stop when it reaches her place. She waves her hand goodbye weakly at Hyejoo and Ash before alighting. She looks up at the high-rise apartment building in front of her. She's not ready to go home but she has to face the music someday, so she enters the building with a loud sigh. She opens her house door softly, silently praying to herself that her mother is not home. She peeps her head through the gaps of the door and heaves out a relieved sigh when she doesn't see her mother. However, her joy comes to a quick end when she hears a familiar voice.

“Yerim?”

Yerim's face turns pale when she hears her mother's voice. She stops in her movement, her fingers stuck in the back of her shoe. She was taking off her shoes when her mother called for her. She slips her finger out of her shoes and stands by the door with her head down. She does not dare to lift her head to look at her mother who is walking to her.

"Why are you still wearing your shoes? Take them off and see me in the living room. I want to see your report book." 

Yerim quickly slips out of her shoe and places it back on the shoe rack. Her heart beats loudly in her ears with every step she takes. She's nearing her mother who is sitting peacefully on the sofa, waiting for her report book. Her palms start sweating profusely again, she wipes her hand hastily on her jeans. 

"Let me see your report book Yerim," Jung eun says as she holds a hand out, waiting for Yerim's report book. She chews on her inner cheeks, wondering if Mrs. Bae has called her mother about her grades. 

"Mrs. Bae hasn't given us our report book yet," Yerim lies with an awkward chuckle, "I'm going to go back to my ro-"

"Today is Report Day Yerim," Jung eun interrupts quickly, "I'm sure Mrs. Bae wouldn't be late in giving out the report books back to you."

"I should drop a text to Mrs. Bae to ask," Jung eun says as she reaches for her phone by her side. Yerim's eyes widen and she quickly rushes to her mother. Numerous apologies come flying out of Yerim's mouth. She begs her mother to not call her homeroom teacher.

"Give me your report Yerim," Jung eun says again and this time Yerim complies. Yerim lets out a soft sniff as she shrugs off her bag to take her report book. Her hand trembles when she slowly passes her report book to Jung eun. She uses the back of her hand to wipe her tears away while she awaits her impending doom. 

Jung eun nods her head when she looks through Yerim's report, she's satisfied and proud of Yerim's good grades. Her joy lasted for a short while when her eyes saw an 'F' on the report sheet. 

“Why is there an ‘F’ in your report?” 

Yerim flinched when she heard her mother's angry tone. She shut her eyes and tried to calm herself down before talking to Jung eun. She knows her mother hates her crying and talking at the same time because Jung eun wouldn't be able to understand her and it would frustrate Jung eun even more. 

"M-mo-mommy," Yerim starts slowly.

"I got the F from...from a project that I was doing with a-a g-group of class-classmates. Th-they never do much and I-I had to do everything b-but I got a failing grade wh-while they got a good grade out of th-this project!" Yerim explains in between hiccups. 

Jung eun frowns when she hears Yerim's explanation. She sees Yerim struggling to not break out crying loudly. Instead of being an understanding mother and contacting Mrs. Bae regarding this issue, Jung eun does something that she regrets until today.

"Yerim!" Jung eun yells out angrily as she raises her hand at Yerim. She brings her hand back down with force and the sound of the tight slap is heard loudly in the quiet living room. Yerim's hand trembles as she touches her reddening cheek that is stinging in pain. Jung eun's face flushed red from anger.

"You could have done better! That’s why Mrs. Bae gave your groupmates better grades even though they did nothing! You could have told Mrs. Bae earlier and she would give you a better grade but instead? You kept quiet and let all your groupmates take all the credit while you failed on their behalf?!” Jung eun says exasperatedly. She stands up angrily and starts pacing in the living room. She runs her fingers angrily through her hair before she turns back to Yerim and continues berating the girl. 

"But mommy! You have to un-"

"No! I don't want to understand!" Jung eun interrupts Yerim's reasoning angrily, "I've had enough of your half-assed work! You’re never putting in your heart and effort in doing your work! Your grade just proves it!” 

"Why can't you just do even better for this project? Why must you shoulder everything alone? I've never seen anyone as stupid as you to do such a thing!" Jung eun scolds as she throws Yerim's report book onto the ground. Yerim flinches when she hears the loud thud of her report book hitting the ground. She balls up her hands into a fist on her lap. She stares at the report book thrown onto the floor in front of her. Her tear droplets fall onto the report book and stain the pages which makes the ink run. Before Jung eun can say another word to Yerim, she hears a loud frustrated yell coming from her daughter. Jung eun looks at Yerim with wide eyes when she sees the girl screaming and yelling at her with tears rolling down her face. 

“Yes! I will never be good enough! I’ll never be as perfect as you are! It's sickening and tiring to be constantly trying to meet your crazy obsession with Perfection! You're a freak!" Yerim screams as she pushes Jung eun away when she tries to approach her. She grabs her bag and report book before running up the stairs to head to her room. She pants out angrily and slams the door shut roughly before hiding underneath her bed covers to cry herself to sleep. 

The sight of a crying Yerim snaps Jung eun out of her unreasonable unburst. She rushes after Yerim, wanting to apologize but the door gets slammed shut in her face. Jung eun bangs on the door and calls for Yerim, wanting the girl to open the door. However, to no avail. All she gets is a loud 'no' and 'go away'. She heaves out a sigh and rests her head on the door, she has messed up. She lets her emotions get the best of her. She steps away from Yerim's door and leans against the wall, she slides down the wall slowly until her hits the ground. She sits there with a troubled look on her face. She covers her face when tears fill her eyes. Yerim's words hurt her so much. It's like the girl said it to twist the knife in the wound. However, she's also at fault. Her words were like a knife stabbing Yerim's self-esteem and heart multiple times. 

"Would you like to sleep with me tonight?" Jung eun asks suddenly and this makes Yerim turn to look at her with wide sparkling eyes. 

"Really?! I can?" Yerim asks and Jung eun nods her head.

Yerim jumps out of her mother's embrace to do a little small celebratory dance before running out to her room to get her favorite storybook. Jung eun takes this chance to go wash up for bed. She stands in front of the mirror and stares at her tired self. Her sunken eyes say it all. She looks so old and miserable, it makes her choke on her tears as she tries to not cry again.

"Mommy...are you okay?" Yerim questions softly when she sees her mother slouching over the sink with her hands covering her face. She places the book down on the floor before rushing to her mother. She hugs her mother tightly at the waist, hoping that can comfort Jung eun. Jung eun looks down and sees Yerim hugging her tightly. That sight makes her mask crumble and her heartbreak.

“You don’t have to read me a bedtime story mommy, you can just hug me to sleep tonight.”

Jung eun pulls Yerim away and squats down in front of her daughter. She pulls Yerim into her tight hug as she cries on her daughter's shoulders. Tears formed in her eyes and sobs could be heard coming out of , the perfect mother image she carries is breaking. It's breaking so fast that she can barely register what's going on. This is the real Jung eun that Yerim is seeing. Not the mother who would flare up at her when she didn’t reach her expectation of being the perfect daughter Jung eun wants her to be. This is the most vulnerable and fragile moment Jung eun has ever been in, and her daughter is witnessing this moment with her. 

“I’m so sorry Yerim, I’m so sorry!” Jung eun cries out on her daughter’s shoulder, "I don't want you to see me like this too."

Tears keep flowing out of her eyes and Jung eun doesn’t know how to stop it. She hates herself for not being able to contain her emotions. Her crying so hard right now must be scary for Yerim to see since she hasn't shown anyone this side of her. She doesn't want to traumatize her daughter with this sight of her. Yerim starts tearing up too, she pulls her mother into a tighter hug and the two spend their time crying away in the bathroom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a while, their cries stopped, and silence filled the bathroom. Yerim has fallen asleep in Jung eun's arms. Jung eun sits on the floor of her bathroom with her sleeping daughter in her arms. She looks down and wears a small smile when she sees how peaceful Yerim looks when she's sleeping. The impromptu crying session helped her a lot, it brought her a lot of comfort after crying it all out. She has been bottling her struggles for a long time.  However, she feels bad for pouring it all on her daughter. Yerim doesn't know her struggles and what she's going through, she doesn't want Yerim to be concerned for her. She doesn't want to be a burden to Yerim. 

Jung eun tugs the loose strands of hair off Yerim's face and caresses her face gently in her hands, “I’m so sorry that you have to see me like that.”

Nobody has seen this side of Jung eun. She refuses to let anyone see her in such a vulnerable state. She has always been the stronger person. Furthermore, showing anyone her vulnerable side shows that she is weak and has flaws in her. That would show that she's imperfect. Before she gets to berate herself, even more, she feels Yerim stirring in her sleep. Yerim faintly shakes her head 'no' before snuggling closer to her. Jung eun leans down and kisses Yerim on the forehead. She stands up slowly and carries Yerim to her bed. She gingerly places Yerim down on her bed and tucks the girl in bed. 

A soft sigh escapes when she decides to head outside to rest on her couch. She stares at the big family portrait that hangs above her television. The family portrait was taken recently. It was another family portrait that doesn't contain her husband. He hasn't appeared in any of their family portraits after Yeojin e. It was like he slowly disappeared from it and doesn’t seem to belong in the family anymore. He slipped out of the picture so smoothly and effortlessly that Jung eun didn't seem to notice until she looked at her family portraits. His presence in the photos that they took as a family gradually became lesser and lesser until none of the pictures in the picture book had him in it. 

Jung eun knows about his mistress that he has been keeping the past few months. She guesses they are probably getting it down in bed at this instance. She doesn't bother confronting her husband about him having a mistress. He does a good job of hiding it from her family members and friends, but not good enough for her not to find out. She doesn't know if her finding out was a good or a bad thing. Jung eun is too busy and tired to care about her unfaithful husband. He isn't worth much in her eyes. At least her husband still remembers his parenting duties sometimes. He would come back home for the kids during the day and leave during the night to go back to his mistress's arms. Jung eun never sees him at all when he does that. She's busy at work and taking care of her parents, who are sick from catching the flu from Yeojin. 

Jung eun doesn’t let anyone know this information. She doesn’t want to destroy the perfect family image that she has painstakingly built throughout the years. She often would ask herself. Was it her expectation of her husband too much that he decided to leave the family and start a new one behind her back or was it that he didn’t love Jung eun as much as he used to do in the past? She lets out a soft sigh. It’s probably the both of them. There she goes. Crawling back into the hole of blaming herself again and again for every fault found in her family. Jung eun is starting to think that she is the problem in this family. 

Maybe things would be different if I'm around...

Maybe things would turn out differently if I'm not like this...

Maybe...I'm the problem...I'm the cause for everything that has happened in this family.

Jung eun sighs again, she has been sighing a lot recently. She averts her gaze to the family portrait on the wall. She has Yeojin on her lap while Yerim stands next to her with a big smile on her face. A smile forms on her face when she remembers that day. The fond memories made during that day would be forever etched in her mind. That day was perfect. Everything went smoothly, because they were all up to her standards, and they looked like a perfect family because her husband decided to bring them all out for dinner and bring the kids to the local park to play. Her children smiled the brightest when they played with their father. The smile that her husband wore when playing with his children was the same smile that Jung eun liked when they were first together. They were together for two years before they got married, and ten years later, they had two children together. Jung eun could remember how her husband would be home every day as they cared for their children. Until one day, Jung eun became not as perfect as she was.

Jung eun can remember that night vividly. She and her husband had a huge fight. Screaming and yelling filled up the house, the sound of Yeojin crying soon followed after. Jung eun was sick of her husband’s antics. He started coming home super late at night, and completely forgot about his duties as a father. She has confronted her husband about it many times, it often goes on deaf ears but not tonight. She got a tight slap in the face when she was confronting him about this issue. She watches her husband swipe everything off the dining table. Her perfect family image went down with the plates and cups. She watches the ceramic plates and glass cups fall onto the ground. The loud shattering sound and her husband's angry yellings filled her ears. She stands there, rooted to the ground while she stares at the shattered pieces on the ground. 

Jung eun looks up and sees her husband go berserk in front of her. She never knew she would get to see this side of that man. She looks past his shoulders and sees Yeojin and Yerim huddling up close to one another. Yeojin wouldn't stop crying, which earned her a loud 'shut up' from her husband. Jung eun frowns at that, he has no right to raise his voice at her kids. She storms to him, avoiding the pool of shards on the ground, she needs to give this man a piece of her mind. Before she can even reach him, she feels his hands on her shoulders. She got pushed back roughly and it made her lose her footing. She falls back and lands on the pool of broken shards. Her painful screams filled the room and it snapped her husband out of his outburst. He looked flustered as he desperately tried to find ways to help Jung eun. Pain shoots through her body when she moves, she cries out in agony. The paramedics came and they were horrified to see Jung eun's state. Blood was oozing out of the cuts profusely, it was like a bloody murder scene. 

When Jung eun wakes up, she finds herself in the hospital. She doesn't even get to say a word when she wakes up, her parents start berating her for being such a disgrace to them, scolding her for not being able to keep her emotions in check and staying out of trouble. It wasn't even her fault. She didn't do anything wrong, but she's getting the end of this. So she sat there, listening to her parents, letting her parents scold her and teach her how to be a perfect mother and daughter. She doesn't bother fighting back, she's too exhausted to do it. Once they were done, they left her room without saying a word. She sees her husband sitting at the corner with a guilty look on his face. 

"get out," Jung eun says weakly, pointing her hand at the door, "get the out of here."

"but-"

"no! I SAID GET THE OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU!" Jung eun yells out, waving her hand aggressively to tell her husband to get out of her room. Her husband quickly stands up and leaves the room, but he makes sure to say sorry before he shuts the door. Jung eun falls back onto her bed panting in anger. She hates herself and her life a lot more now. She wants to end it all right now before she goes berserk like her husband did the night before. 

Jung eun stands on the ledge of the hospital building. She stares down at the brightly lit city, everything looks so small now. A sad chuckle escapes when she looks up at the starry night sky. This is going to be the last thing she sees before she plummets down the twenty-story hospital building. At least this sight is beautiful. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She slowly inches off the ledge of the hospital. Before she falls to her death, she feels a pair of arms wrap around her body. She falls back and lands on the person. The person falls onto the ground with a loud thud, and a groan escapes their mouth. 

"You don't have to do this to yourself," the person says as they tighten their hold around Jung eun. Jung eun can tell the person is a girl from their voice. 

"What do you know! My life is miserable enough for me to want to end it all! Everything that goes wrong is my fault. Nothing I do is right! This life is cruel and unfair to me!" Jung eun cries out as she tries to wiggle her way out of the person's embrace. However, the person tightens their hold around Jung eun which makes it hard for her to escape. 

"It would get better," the person says, "let us help yo-"

"How?!" Jung eun interrupts loudly. She knows she's beyond salvage, nobody can help her. 

"I’ve been trying to be perfect! Like what my parents wished for! I've been perfecting everything in my life that I've caused so much trouble for my family. I hate myself so much! I hate that I'm like this! I keep forcing everyone to be living up to my standards so we can be perfect, but when they can't do it, I would flare up at them and lash at them. I hate myself so much, you have no idea. You have absolutely no idea!" Jung eun cries out loudly, her wails make the doctor's heart wrench. 

"Yes I have no idea but that doesn't mean I can't try to understand you. I don't know what you have been through but all I know is that you need to talk to someone about it. Find someone who can help you, if not I can help too. I can be your listening ear. I'll be more than willing to listen to your struggles and help you," the doctor says. She looks down and sees how hard Jung eun is crying. It makes her think twice about what she wants to do in life. Jung eun turns around and returns the hug tightly. She cries onto the doctor's white coat, letting the doctor's warmth and soothing words comfort her. She can't believe she's showing a stranger this side of her. She wants to stop crying but she can't stop because she feels safe to be vulnerable right now. She feels comforted to know there's someone out there that she can go to for help. 

"It's okay to cry," the doctor whispers out as she runs her hand up and down Jung eun's back in a comforting manner, "let it all out, and you'll feel better."

"I hope you'll feel better. I'll be here with you, we can get through this together. Don't give up now," the doctor adds as she pulls Jung eun closer to her. She holds Jung eun's head in her hand and stays in that position until Jung eun calms down. Jung eun doesn't remember what happened after hearing the doctor's last sentence. She wakes up in her room, wearing a new hospital gown. She didn't get to see the doctor from last night. It's a shame that she didn't see the doctor's face, if not she can look for the doctor before leaving the hospital. Jung eun wishes to express her gratitude to the doctor someday, her presence and comfort helped Jung eun a lot. 

-

Jung eun woke up super early today since she couldn't sleep well last night. The memory from that day remains fresh in her mind. A sigh escapes when she remembers what the doctor tells her.

I'll be here with you, we can get through this together. Don't give up now

She lets out a soft scoff and shakes her head at that. She can't believe she finds the strength and courage to keep moving in those words the doctor said. She must be insane. However, it serves as a reminder that she's not alone in this. Jung eun's lips curl up when the idea of getting a babysitter flashes through her mind. It would help lighten up her load and help her better focus on her work. 

"Yerimmie and Yeojinnie," Jung eun calls out suddenly. Her two daughters look up from their bowl of cereal and see their mother struggling to say something.

"What is it, mommy?" Yerim asks out worriedly.

"Does it have to do with our studies mommy?" Yeojin asks curiously.

"no-no," Jung eun shakes her head quickly at that, "I was wondering if it's okay if I get a babysitter to take care of you guys when I'm not around during the day."

"What's a babysitter?" Yeojin questions.

"Babysitter is someone who will help mommy to look after you two when mommy is not around," Jung eun explains. She reaches over to hold Yeojin and Yerim's hand in hers and gives them a small smile, hoping they would want a babysitter. Her smile drops when she sees Yeojin tearing up, "What's wrong baby? Why are you crying?"

"Wh-why would you want to f-find a b-babysitter? You don't want us anymore? Are you going to b-be like daddy?" Yeojin asks out with a shaky voice, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. Jung eun's