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Plasterpart one
Peaceful but eerie, floating in limbo, the still hours in the middle of night when the rest of the world sleeps, is when Hyungwon’s body loves to play with his sleep-wake hormones and prevent him from slumber.
Perhaps this is why he’s always so tired. Perhaps this is why his favourite hobby is snoozing in the afternoon, filling his daily activities neatly around his scheduled naptime, to catch up on the missed hours that night never allows him to have.
Perhaps his mind just knows he’ll be woken up anyway, so it keeps him conscious, because struggling to fall asleep is easier than being shaken awake. Perhaps he’s formed such a strong association between this time of night and the reckless disturbances that come with it that the preparatory response has integrated itself into his body clock, and slipping into his warm blankets only serves as a signal for Minhyuk’s inevitable entrance, noisy and careless as he barges into the room, blaring voice, full of energy.
“Hey! You awake?”
Hyungwon lets his eyes slowly drift open, the calm before the storm – or within the storm, as Minhyuk has wasted no time building up his tumultuous presence.
“I am now.”
“Man,” Minhyuk groans, throwing his bag on the floor. It lands with a painful thud. “My legs are jelly. It’s good to be home.”
Minhyuk switches on a lamp and collapses into his bed on the opposite side of the room, groaning loudly again before turning on his side to face Hyungwon.
“Drives me nuts when girls don’t want to change position. Three rounds! Three rounds of trying to keep myself up on my knees. I can’t feel anything below my waist.”
Hyungwon has become well acquainted with these nightly recounts. It’s somewhat of a ritual – Hyungwon lies awake, unable to sleep, his body waiting for Minhyuk to come bursting through the door, diving into bed and spending the next ten (or, God forbid, more) minutes graphically narrating his capades of the night. New night, new drama, often a new girl, but Hyungwon’s disinterest is always the same, though that goes unnoticed by Minhyuk as he talks through the dirty details, rambling himself empty regardless of whether or not Hyungwon has stayed awake to hear the end of the story.
It’s not that Minhyuk isn’t a great storyteller. His vivacious personality and talkative nature perfectly complement Hyungwon’s preference for listening over talking – just not about the one night-stands, every single night, and certainly not at two in the morning, with an early morning of work ahead.
Minhyuk hasn’t stopped rattling on, reciting a list of complaints about his muse of the night threaded between the enthusiastic descriptions of the hours of he just can’t seem to get enough of.
“…she kind of squeaks like one of those dog toys, if you hit it at the right angle, and I’m just not into that, you know, it makes me feel like I’m ing a rusty swing…”
“Yet you still went running back,” Hyungwon mutters.
“I know,” Minhyuk whines, slamming the heels of his palms against his forehead. “She’s just so hot, I had to go for another root. I’ll let her go after tonight before she gets too attached. Damn, I’m going to miss her, though.”
He turns his head to look across the room, and finds Hyungwon lying on his side, staring right back at him. Hyungwon’s eyes are bloodshot and tired, directed towards him but unfocused, his mind clearly elsewhere, or at least trying to be.
“You know what?” Minhyuk exclaims, pointing at Hyungwon suddenly. “I reckon you’d like her. Want me to set you up? You can ween her off me, so I don’t have to cut her off like an .”
Hyungwon releases a noise that’s somewhere between a laugh and a huff, short and sarcastic and dismissive of the offer. His definitive answer is given by turning over to face his back to Minhyuk, meeting eyes with the wall, a familiar sight and a familiar sign to Minhyuk that the conversation is over.
Days that begin before sunrise and end well after sunset leave little room for leisure for the team. Free time is scarce and often scattered throughout the day, so when substantial timeslots are freed up on their schedules, they never go by unspent.
Minhyuk took no time in coordinating his upcoming timetable with Hyungwon’s, delighted to find they both shared the same unlikely evening off, and promised him a meal and quality time with each other. Minhyuk is borderline insufferable, constantly on Hyungwon’s back with a chronic inability to process the meaning of “shut up”, but he’s still Hyungwon’s best friend, and the part of Hyungwon that never learns can’t wait to have him to himself.
Thinking of his night off drives Hyungwon through a jading day of work, the insufficient hours of rest from the night before making choreography seem ever so slightly more gruelling, but the freedom ahead lightens the load.
He arrives home before Minhyuk does and busies himself with a shower, a change of clothes, and a cosy cup of tea nestled in the corner of the couch.
“Hey, Hyungwon.” He looks up from his phone to find Jooheon standing at the door. “You’re free tonight, right? Want to come eat with Changkyun and I?”
“Come out, hyung,” he hears Changkyun yell cheerfully from another room. Hyungwon smiles gently and shakes his head, “nah, I’m waiting for Minhyuk. You guys have fun.”
Jooheon raises his eyebrows, astonished at the idea of Minhyuk spending his free time anywhere outside of a stranger’s bed, but nods and waves goodbye, heading off with an excited Changkyun on his heels, begging to be fed.
Minhyuk is never the most reliable when it comes to being on time, but his text updates are unfailingly dependable, so the silence of Hyungwon’s inbox raises his suspicions that something has gotten in the way between Minhyuk and his arrival home. A quiet few minutes of fingers hovering over his keyboard pass, and Hyungwon is about to send a concerned “where are you?” when Minhyuk finally bounds into the room – not from the front door, but from their bedroom.
Hyungwon’s eyebrows furrow, perplexed as to why Minhyuk wouldn’t have come looking for him, seeing as he’d been home the whole time. He stares in disbelief as Minhyuk skips right by, his carefully straightened and styled hair fluttering gently on his forehead, satin shirt rippling in soft waves against his chest, eyes focused on nothing else but the exit to the dorm. He’s dressed up, far too dressed up for just a casual dinner with Hyungwon, and that alone is enough to give away that Minhyuk has other plans on his mind.
“Minhyuk,” Hyungwon calls out to him, and Minhyuk jolts in surprise, spinning around to face Hyungwon, clearly not having seen him before. It takes him a few moments to comprehend why Hyungwon is dressed to leave, why he’s sitting up and halfway off the couch, and why his expression is slowly sinking into dejection. Hyungwon watches the realisation dawn on his best friend, panic scrawling atop the flawless touches of makeup adorning his guilty face.
He should have known not to make plans with Minhyuk so early in advance.
“Oh,” Minhyuk says. “Did we—we made plans, didn’t we?”
The crestfallen look on Hyungwon’s face affirms his suspicion. Hyungwon waits quietly, the look on Minhyuk’s face revealing his mental game of seesaw, tossing up between his best friend and the girl in a bed waiting for him across the city. Minhyuk is paused for a few long seconds while making his decision, but Hyungwon is already disappointed, because he knows without hesitation what the outcome will be.
“Can we get dinner after?” Minhyuk asks remorsefully, placing a hand behind his neck with a sheepish smile.
It’s already late, and by the time Minhyuk gets back home it’ll be far too late for dinner, but Hyungwon has no choice but to nod in defeat and let Minhyuk go anyway. Minhyuk perks up immediately, the half-hearted validation wiping the guilt from his face and from his mind, and he leaps over towards Hyungwon for a high-five. Hyungwon only responds feebly, wincing as Minhyuk’s enthusiastic hands sting his palms.
“You’re such a bro,” Minhyuk says. “I’ll see you later! Thanks, Hyungwon!”
Minhyuk prances out of the room without a care in the world, leaving Hyungwon sullen and despondent, standing alone in the living room that seems vastly emptier than it ever was without Minhyuk’s effervescent presence.
Though he’s not at fault, Hyungwon can’t help feeling foolish and to blame. The thought of counting down to tonight, when Minhyuk likely spared it no thought after planning it, puts him to shame. The disappointment is warranted, but it’s nowhere near the first time he’s been left behind as second priority, so it frustrates him that he’s letting himself feel so let down.
He sinks himself down onto the couch again, dismayed at the thought of wasting his priceless night off by sleeping the time away. Again.
“You’re free tonight, right? Want to come eat with Changkyun and I?”
Hyungwon glances out the window at the dark sky, and then down at his phone – Jooheon and Changkyun couldn’t have left more than twenty minutes ago; and he’d probably manage to catch up in time if he left right away.
His heart is dispirited, but his determination not to let this this valuable time go to waste wins over, jostling him out of his thoughts and up on his feet again.
“Changkyun. Hey.” Hyungwon nestles his phone between his shoulder and his ear, wrestling on his shoes. “Is it too late for me to come along?”
“ my ! on that, you little !” Minhyuk growls. “I’m gonna you up bad, just you wait, you ty little—”
“Watch your language,” Hyungwon grumbles, swinging himself around and pounding the buttons on his controller angrily. “Oh my god, Minhyuk! Seriously! Stop killing me!”
He flings himself back and forth desperately, shoving himself against Minhyuk to sabotage his blatant looming defeat, while Minhyuk cackles and fills the screen with blood.
Hyungwon has never been much of a gamer. Perhaps it’s due to his lack of interest, or perhaps he’s convinced himself that he has a lack of interest to cover up for the fact that he’s hopelessly untalented at it. Either way, Minhyuk has an unexplained passion for pixelated slaughter and violence (particularly inflicted upon Hyungwon) that almost supersedes his passion for casual hook-ups. Hyungwon would much rather hear Minhyuk’s screams of delight over the pointless game than listen to the tales of his new well-endowed pash partner he spent all night banging against a wall, so he made sure to suggest a game right as Minhyuk came home from his midday rendezvous, before the rambling could begin.
Minhyuk elbows Hyungwon aggressively in an attempt to distract him, eliciting an unhappy yelp that makes him giggle in satisfaction. As irritating as Minhyuk is, and as much as it wasn’t Minhyuk’s intention to do so; the light-hearted fun almost makes up for the many times Minhyuk has let Hyungwon down, almost undoes the suffering he’s repeatedly forced to endure – almost.
“Oh! I want to join!”
Minhyuk twists his head and hoots enthusiastically, waving Changkyun over before turning back to the screen.
“Here comes competition!”
“Am I not competition to you?” Hyungwon scoffs.
Minhyuk grins and cheers when the game finishes, as per usual, beating Hyungwon by a mile. “Not a chance. Changkyun, where’d you go?”
“In the kitchen, give me a sec.”
Hyungwon turns to greet Changkyun with a smile as he approaches them, but it falters slightly once he realises Changkyun is wearing his favourite signature at-home outfit, and he looks away modestly.
Changkyun flops down between the pair, shaking his head and spraying droplets of water from his hair across their faces. Minhyuk immediately grabs him around the torso and pulls him onto his lap, ruffling his wet hair affectionately.
“No clothes tonight? Putting on a show for us?”
“Underwear is clothes.” Changkyun snaps the waistband of his underwear, raising a cheeky eyebrow. “I can take them off.”
“You’re a show off,” Minhyuk fawns, running his hands across Changkyun’s chest and down his arms. “When did you get so beefy?” Changkyun smirks as he tenses his biceps, gaining a shout of praise from Minhyuk.
“Wow! Look at you, you’re all grown up, giving Wonho a run for his money. Hyungwon, feel his abs.”
Hyungwon looks over tentatively, eyes widening at the sight of Minhyuk’s hands caressing Changkyun’s unclothed body so comfortably. “Yeah, feel my abs, hyung.” Changkyun snatches Hyungwon’s arm and presses it against him, grinning proudly, and Hyungwon forces himself to laugh uneasily with an acknowledging nod.
“You’ve sure bulked up.”
“Where’s the extra controller?”
Hyungwon draws his hand back hastily once Changkyun lets him go to search for the gaming device, eyes flickering to his bright red underwear momentarily before he stares hard at the TV, cheeks burning the same colour.
“You’re such a prude, Hyungwon. Loosen up,” Minhyuk laughs, noticing his stiff demeanour. Hyungwon grits his teeth into a smile and extends his controller towards the two, shrugging off the comment.
“Here, Changkyun, use mine. I’ve got to shower, anyway.”
“Boo. You’re just scared of losing again.”
Hyungwon shakes his head and leaves the two to themselves, grabbing the back of his neck and sighing once he’s out of sight and earshot.
Despite how many years it’s been, living with a group of men who are far less conservative than himself hasn’t gotten any easier.
“Hey, Minhyuk, look at this.”
Hyungwon bumps the door open with his hip, eyes glued to his phone, a smug grin plastered across his face. He lifts up the screen towards Minhyuk, but quickly steps back upon realising he’s busy buttoning his shirt, crisp and white and just a little too form-fitting to be appropriate for the public eye.
“Hm?” Minhyuk pops his collar and smooths it around his neck, returning Hyungwon’s sunken smile with a genuine one of his own. “Message it to me. I’ve got to head out.”
Hyungwon nods, dropping his arm and switching off his phone screen.
“You’re not going on broadcast wearing that, are you?”
Minhyuk scoffs, turning back to the mirror and tilting his head in contemplation, before undoing an extra button to expose a sliver of his chest. “Of course not, I’m not filming a o. I’m off to meet…what’s her name again…?” Satisfied with his appearance, Minhyuk runs his fingers through his hair and turns back to Hyungwon, snapping two finger guns at him with a wink. “I’m off to get head.”
Hyungwon takes yet another step back, allowing Minhyuk to saunter past him, his hair sheen against the lamplight and bouncing on his forehead, a whiff of cologne trailing behind him. The shirt clings to his lean figure and stretches over his wide back as he picks out a jacket and swings it over his shoulder – Minhyuk’s years of experience have allowed him to master the art of looking so enticing and seductive, merely by his choice of clothes. Hyungwon stands a few centimetres taller, albeit a few kilograms lighter, but Minhyuk makes him feel pathetically, incomparably small.
“Don’t be too late,” Hyungwon calls after him. Minhyuk halts at the door and swings back around, eyes lighting up eagerly.
“I’ll bring back ice cream for us! So don’t sleep too early,” he sings.
Hyungwon stands in silence, listening to the sound of Minhyuk’s footsteps down the hall and towards the front door, keys turning, doors shutting, Wonho shouting warnings of “be careful” and “stay safe” as he leaves. Shoulders sagging, Hyungwon trudges over to his bed and sinks himself into the covers. Part of him considers leaving to bother someone else for entertainment, but the disappointed side of him that says you’re an introvert, you enjoy solitude is persuasive enough to make him stay.
“I’ve got ice cream,” Minhyuk announces, barging into the room just past two in the morning, hair dishevelled and shirt messily buttoned in all the wrong places. All the lights are off, save for the glow of Hyungwon’s phone screen illuminating his face. He doesn’t even spare Minhyuk a glance.
“Do you want chocolate or strawberry?”
“I’m trying to sleep,” Hyungwon mutters.
“You’re watching YouTube! Come on, take this. You wouldn’t believe this chick, man, I got so caught up ‘cause she got all mad at me when I pulled out and…”
Hyungwon shuts off his phone and turns away from the ice cream tub extended before him, facing the wall and leaving Minhyuk unacknowledged. Minhyuk presses his lips together and huffs in annoyance, too riled up to accept that it’s bedtime, and leaves to investigate if anyone else is up for sharing his snack and hearing out his escapades of the night.
He can’t help but wonder what could have made Hyungwon so grumpy. The light of the phone screen was unflattering on the dark circles under his eyes and made him seem more tired than usual, so Minhyuk accepts his crankiness as being impersonal, and the thought instantly vanishes.
The team’s dressing room bustles with staff and makeup artists, but late-night schedules bring peace to the crowded room. Most of the members are absorbed on their phones or nodding off to sleep on their chairs as careful hands style their hair and brush on makeup; but Hyungwon is staring at the mirror in front of him, partially focused on his own reflection, but most of his attention on the reflection 1of Minhyuk sitting beside him.
His eyes trace the gentle fingers that brush at Minhyuk’s face, his features glowing under the harsh lights. He watches as Minhyuk’s bottom lip slowly pushes out into a pout, and fixates on the sharpness of Minhyuk’s jaw that becomes all the more prominent when he leans his head forward towards his phone screen.
Hyungwon pays no heed to the makeup artists surrounding him, indifferent to the fact that they can clearly tell where his attention lies. He only turns away when Minhyuk finally looks up towards his own mirror, not wanting to be noticed in its corner.
Minhyuk carries himself with exuberant confidence, stirring energy among the tired members as they prepare to face the cameras. His laugh echoes across the set as he entertains himself pinching cheeks and smacking butts of the unsuspecting others – but he never reaches Hyungwon, because Hyungwon’s gaze never shifts away from him.
Minhyuk finally turns to Hyungwon with a smirk, throwing an arm over his shoulder.
“Why are you staring? Do I look extra good today?”
Hyungwon shakes his head ever so slightly, brushing off the interrogative comment.
“No? Am I extra ugly then?”
Hyungwon sighs when Minhyuk playfully punches his shoulder, his perfectly gleaming smile widening as he relishes in the pleasure of teasing his friend.
“You always look good,” Hyungwon mutters, finally shrugging Minhyuk off and pushing his hands away.
“Hey. What’s wrong with you?”
Hyungwon feels slender fingers cup his chin, and suddenly his head is tilting up and they’re eye-to-eye, just a few breaths apart as Minhyuk steps a little closer.
It all happens in a fraction of a second, and Hyungwon has no time to comprehend the sudden proximity, his mind occupied by the mischievous twinkle in Minhyuk’s eyes and the glossy bow of his lips that knocks the breath out of his chest. He’s frozen in place for what feels like far too long, mouth agape as he waits for Minhyuk to move, and only breaks from his stupor when Minhyuk taps his chin disapprovingly.
“Someone forgot to cover that pimple properly,” Minhyuk comments, and only then Hyungwon realises Minhyuk was scrutinising the spot on his chin, and not staring down at his mouth.
Minhyuk moves back before Hyungwon can, gesturing towards a staff member to quickly fix the mistake before they begin filming. Hyungwon tries his hardest to stay still as they fly in beside him and work at his chin frantically, but the thumping in his chest begs for more oxygen and his breathing turns shallow, overrun with sudden nerves that he knows isn’t just from the camera shyness. He can only hope that those around him don’t catch on to his unease, too.
Minhyuk comes barrelling into the dimly lit room and launches himself straight onto Hyungwon’s bed, attaching himself to Hyungwon’s back and capturing him in a web of arms and legs. Hyungwon barely flinches, but grunts in discomfort as Minhyuk shifts his weight and half lies on top of him.
“Good evening,” Minhyuk sings, straight into Hyungwon’s ear.
“Get off me.”
“Come on, let me have a cuddle. Just a little one. I didn’t get enough tonight.”
Hyungwon groans and twists his shoulders in an attempt to loosen Minhyuk’s stifling grasp. “Then you should have stayed out longer.”
“I couldn’t,” Minhyuk sighs. He gives Hyungwon one last squeeze before swinging himself off the bed, trudging over to his side of the room. Hyungwon has left the blinds partially open, and though still hazy in the darkness, he can make out Minhyuk’s slender frame as he tugs off his clothes and stretches his arms above his head before collapsing on his mattress. “She kicked me out early ‘cause I left her on read for a few days to get with that dancer I met last week. Would you believe it? She kicked me out! You wouldn’t think I’d be the one asking to hang back for some canoodling. Anyway, whatever, I don’t care about the affection, I ed all over…”
Hyungwon tunes himself out, letting Minhyuk run his mouth as he settles himself into bed. He watches through lazy eyelids as Minhyuk fluffs up his pillow and kicks himself around in the blankets to get comfortable, letting the jet of words float straight through his mind, past the sea of thoughts that replay the feeling of their brief embrace over and over again.
“…she’s a bit of a freak, but I’m kind of getting into the whole domination thing now, actually. It’s still weird though, I wouldn’t go back to her every night, maybe just once a week, but she’s really attached, you know? Hyungwon?”
Minhyuk frowns, staring across the room at Hyungwon, who gazes back at him wearily. Despite the darkness, he can see that Hyungwon’s eyes are glazed over, face hollow and strewn with misery. Minhyuk falls silent, waiting for Hyungwon to respond, but a few moments pass and Hyungwon simply rolls over and fronts the wall, leaving Minhyuk hanging.
Minhyuk blinks at the mop of hair on the back of Hyungwon’s head, his gloomy expression embossed on his mind. Hyungwon has been using the display of his back as a signal of rejection for years, but lately, he’s been turning away from Minhyuk a little more often than usual.
“You’re such a grouch lately,” Minhyuk mutters, flipping over to face his back to Hyungwon’s. He acquaints himself with the murky texture and colour of the plaster wall in front of him, and wonders how Hyungwon manages to lull himself to sleep looking at nothing all night, every night.
The icy surface of the cups has numbed Minhyuk’s hands, so when he barges back into the dorm, he makes a beeline for the nearest table and drops the iced chocolates, cursing under his breath as he tries to shake the risk of frostbite out of his fingers.
One for him and one for Hyungwon. He’s almost certain Hyungwon will refuse it, but ordering just one drink didn’t sit right with him.
Wiping the condensation dripping from his hands onto his pants, Minhyuk cheerfully picks up the drinks and makes his way to their bedroom, teeming with news and hoping Hyungwon is awake to hear his spiel about the killer of a bang he’s just had.
He swings the door open, grinning, but the room is empty, and Minhyuk’s smile quickly drops off his face. He sets down the drinks and pokes his head out the door, looking down the corridor at the bathroom – the door is open, so he’s not there, either.
The bedroom and the bathroom, Hyungwon’s two favourite places. The only place else he would be is in the kitchen, a rare sighting for the skinny boy with no appetite. Minhyuk backtracks to look back in the kitchen too, and to his bewilderment, Hyungwon is nowhere to be seen.
Puzzled, Minhyuk makes his way back to their room, wondering if he had simply missed the sight of Hyungwon bundled up in layers of blankets – he has been losing weight recently, but surely not enough for Minhyuk to mistake his lanky frame for a lump beneath the covers.
He freezes in his tracks at the sound of gentle talking behind a bedroom door. It’s late at night, and Jooheon’s room is normally silent.
Curious, Minhyuk quietly sidles himself up to the door and presses his ear against the wooden panels. He hears blood rushing through his ears and the thumping of his heart, but the room has gone silent again…
A few ruffling sounds ensue, like that of moving blankets, before a short gasp – no, a sharp draw of breath, like that of a sob.
“I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
Minhyuk’s heart drops at the sound of Hyungwon’s trembling voice, weak and broken and caught in his throat as he cries. Jooheon’s soft voice follows, offering gentle reassurances in barely audible whispers, words of “things will get easier” and “it’s going to be okay”.
Flattened against the door, Minhyuk’s palms begin to sweat, and he curls his hands into fists as if to force back the unavoidable wave of shame that overcomes him. It manifests as an aching lump in his throat that he chokes down in a painful gulp, as the sound of Hyungwon’s crying and whimpering continues relentlessly.
“I just—I just want to be normal.”
Minhyuk hears the words emanating through the door, and he hears Hyungwon’s voice, but the two are disjointed in his mind. Hyungwon has never been the expressive type, particularly during moments of sadness, so Minhyuk is aghast knowing something has shaken him to the point of such vulnerability. Minhyuk scrambles to make sense of the sorrowful remarks, resisting the urge to bulldoze through the door and find out for himself.
Hyungwon’s empty eyes, the tired rings of darkness underneath them and the lethargic expression that he wears so well; Minhyuk retraces his memories and feels himself go breathless with humiliation as he finally realises that it may have been right in front of him all along.
He hears Jooheon hum and murmur consoling words under his breath, but the noises fade into the background as his mind crowds with guilty realisations that he should be in Jooheon’s place. He pictures Jooheon taking Hyungwon into his warm embrace, rubbing circles into his back, comforting him in ways that apparently, being Hyungwon’s supposed best friend, he can't.
Minhyuk bites his lip, wondering why he ever let Hyungwon roll over to face the wall and ignore his chatter, why he ever left him alone to enjoy his freedom while Hyungwon was wallowing in bed, why he didn’t think to ever ask if he was okay. He despises his arrogance, for boldly assuming Hyungwon would comfortably come to him in times of need, and for not reaching out first.
The sound of a doorknob turning jolts him out of his daze and he stumbles away from the door. Fortunately, it’s only the door next to him that opens. Kihyun raises an eyebrow at Minhyuk as he stands in the middle of the hallway looking stiff and disoriented, but walks by without a word.
Minhyuk knows Hyungwon is safe in Jooheon’s care, so he trundles back to their bedroom with slumped shoulders and the unshakeable pain of guilt enshrouding him. He collapses into his bed and stares across the room at Hyungwon’s empty one, messy sheets and unmade covers, picturing Hyungwon’s tired face looking back at him.
He finds himself rolling over to face the wall, shrinking into himself, and wonders if this tormenting feeling of loneliness is what Hyungwon feels every night when he sleeps to the sight of painted plaster.
Hyungwon, for once, retires to bed after Minhyuk, finding him already curled up and fast asleep. He’s unsure if Minhyuk came back early from his one-night stand, or if he’d just spent long enough bawling in Jooheon’s room to beat him out on the late-night returns.
Hyungwon sleeps restlessly, wakes early, and crawls back into Jooheon’s bed in the hopes that it will help calm his tormenting, relentless thoughts before he has to face the day ahead. Minhyuk rises to the same empty bedroom he fell asleep in, and the same emptiness in his chest that he attributes to the lack of from the night before, because it makes him feel less guilty that way.
Hyungwon looks a little more dishevelled and eats a little less than usual at breakfast. Stares and uncomfortable lengths of eye contact aren’t uncommon coming from inquisitive Minhyuk, so nobody pays attention to his firm gaze on Hyungwon, not even Hyungwon himself. Minhyuk wonders if Hyungwon’s sadness is the reason he never has an appetite. Watching him pick at his food, Minhyuk considers how, over the many years he’s known him, Hyungwon’s eating habits have never changed, and it brews fears that perhaps he’s been concealing this misery for much, much longer than he initially thought.
As the group clambers into their van, Minhyuk makes a firm decision to put extra effort into cheering up Hyungwon, determined to win over his trust again. He makes sure to barrage past the others and slip into the seat beside Hyungwon, grinning in response when he looks up apathetically.
“Seems like you were out for the night instead of me this time,” Minhyuk jokes, nudging Hyungwon playfully. “What’cha been up to? Who were you seeing?”
Hyungwon sighs and turns to face out the window, propping his chin into the palm of his hand. “Was just busy.”
Minhyuk frowns, and reaches to tickle Hyungwon’s waist, receiving a yelp and a slap on the wrist in response.
“Busy enough to make sleeping beauty get up earlier than me?” Minhyuk continues to tickle Hyungwon, who loudly protests, but eventually breaks into giggles when Minhyuk doesn’t stop teasing him.
“Stop it—Minhyuk, stop, I’m not in the mood—”
“You’re smiling!” Minhyuk cries. “You’re laughing! Don’t lie!”
Hyungwon shoves him away, crossing his arms to protect himself, but despite pressing his lips together he can’t contain the smile that Minhyuk somehow can always bring to his face, when he tries to.
It warms Minhyuk’s heart, fulfils his possessive need to be Hyungwon’s source of comfort, and fuels his desire to prolong the happiness between them. The guilt has been hacking away at him all morning, and he’s adamant to redeem himself after being ignorant to the signs for so long, to prove to Hyungwon that his wellbeing is just as important as everything else that’s unintentionally been placed above him.
“What’s the matter with you?” Hyungwon giggles, wrestling away Minhyuk’s fidgeting arms that persistently squeeze him into stifling hugs and threaten to tousle his meticulously styled hair. The stylists on standby – and everyone else on set – glare in disdain, but Minhyuk couldn’t care less, propelled forward by the creases around Hyungwon’s eyes and the glow of his cheekbones as laughs.
The cameras start rolling and as always, Minhyuk leads the interview with ease, sauntering through witty conversation and lighting up the room with his upbeat personality and lovable charm. Soft-spoken Hyungwon has always been content living in his best friend’s shadow, but this time round Minhyuk pulls him into his spotlight, boasting their friendship for the world to see. Hyungwon is flustered, wondering how many coffees Minhyuk had drank to be acting so much more lively than usual, but the hands resting affectionately on his knees, his thighs, and shoulders are warm, and he melts into every touch.
“You’re such a nuisance,” Wonho jokes when they finally leave the set. “Don’t you ever get tired of talking?”
“I’m just helping you conserve your pretty voice,” Minhyuk croons back, pulling him into the chain of linked arms he’s formed with Hyungwon.
Backstage, he watches with delight as food averse Hyungwon scans the table of complimentary drinks and sits beside Jooheon with a bottle of juice, his unfaltering smile a pleasant contrast to the night before. A job well done, Minhyuk thinks to himself in approval, but he’s still buzzing with energy and cheer that he wants to share.
“Hey,” Minhyuk chirrups, collapsing onto the couch beside Hyungwon and gesturing towards a group of staff on the other side of the room. “What’s up with you and the one in the red skirt?”
Hyungwon blinks a few times in apparent confusion, as does Jooheon.
“You two seemed to be hitting it off,” Minhyuk clarifies, beginning to smirk. “You and the pretty makeup girl. Go on, slip her your number, or I’ll steal her from you.”
The smile on Hyungwon’s face has slowly slipped away, and he continues to stare dumbfounded at Minhyuk, struggling to form a response.
“Uh…you can talk to her,” Hyungwon mumbles. He drops his gaze to the half empty drink in his hand, and Minhyuk watches in dismay as he slowly places it down on the table in front of him.
An uneasy silence falls between them. Hyungwon keeps his head low and Jooheon stares at the wall with his lips pressed together, and the turn in atmosphere leaves Minhyuk feeling terribly out of place.
Crestfallen, he makes another half-hearted joke to end the conversation and promptly leaves the pair to themselves, remembering that Hyungwon is an expert at feigning happiness to the camera, and perhaps he hasn’t achieved that much at all.
Minhyuk spends the rest of the week making futile attempts to humour Hyungwon, receiving mixed and inconsistent reactions that he can’t seem to solve. Some days he effortlessly laughs along, but most days he’s tough to budge, and offers little more than a feeble, colourless smile.
The last straw is drawn when they’re discussing their plans for another rare upcoming afternoon off work, and Hyungwon is only interested in using the time to catch up on sleep. Minhyuk is astounded, particularly considering that Hyungwon spends more time in his own bed than anywhere else, but he’s cast aside with disinterested shrugs with every attempt to change his mind.
Minhyuk finishes his day of work to face a phone inundated with messages, reminding him that, yet again, he’s triple-booked himself with three different girls – all of whom normally take his interest, but right now the only thing occupying his mind is the thought of Hyungwon at home, alone, and miserable.
He spends a few minutes juggling between his three potential mistresses of the afternoon, before settling on a surprise visit home to keep Hyungwon company.
With a smirk on his face, Minhyuk sneaks through the front door and slinks over to the bedroom, fizzling with excitement at the thought of ambushing his friend and scaring him awake. However, when he tiptoes inside, Hyungwon is nowhere to be seen.
Minhyuk’s immediate, dismayed reaction is to assume he’s hiding away in Jooheon’s room again, but he finds Jooheon’s door wide open, and instead, the computer room door shut. This puzzles Minhyuk, as Hyungwon doesn’t usually game in his free time, but Hyungwon has been doing quite a number of unusual things lately, so he shrugs off the bemusement and graces a jovial smile, slamming the door open and bursting inside.
“Guess who’s home!” Minhyuk cries.
The sight of Hyungwon slaps his toothy, sparkling grin straight off his face.
Hyungwon immediately spins around, slamming the laptop screen shut with one hand, the other splayed against him, feebly covering the bare skin that Minhyuk has already seen far too much of.
They stare at each other, wide-eyed and mouths agape. Hyungwon’s face is riddled with dread but he’s stupefied in place, unable to move.
Living in a home of seven men means seeing each other is a relatively common occurrence. Their close friendship allows them to be raw and open with one another, so as uncomfortable as it is, walking in on one another during times of privacy is just something they’ve learned to live with and move on from. They live under a silent agreement that their lewd habits are normal and nothing taboo – but Minhyuk has yet to encounter a situation like this.
Minhyuk’s mind scrambles for solutions. His automatic response is to try for a witty remark, a joke to shatter the atmosphere, but the image of men on the screen in front of Hyungwon has imprinted itself on every fissure on his brain and he can’t think, he can barely breathe, let alone speak.
It’s unclear who recovers first. Hyungwon finally feels his muscles move to properly cover himself, but Minhyuk has already stepped back, grasping the door handle and shutting it hastily behind him.
The hot water burns, but not enough to strip away the searing thoughts playing on a loop in Minhyuk’s head.
He’s seen plenty of bodies in his short lifetime, and plenty of Hyungwon’s over the many years they’ve known each other, far before they even lived together. Hell, it’s not even the first time he’s caught Hyungwon in the act, and Minhyuk’s openness in front of Hyungwon makes it clear how comfortable they are sharing details with one another.
It wasn’t so much the sight of Hyungwon with his pants down that shocked Minhyuk, as it was the video playing behind him, and he knows the reason for Hyungwon’s mortification was just the same.
Minhyuk squeezes his eyes shut and scrubs his eyes with the heels of his hands in a futile attempt to remove the woeful encounter from his mind. The steam that fills the shower only makes the humiliation all the more suffocating.
He wishes, more than anything, to feel confused; but the more he thinks about what he’s seen, the more it all makes sense. The way Hyungwon immediately lowers his eyes when the other members unclothe, despite the years of sharing rooms and showers and crammed accommodations. All the times he’s faced his back to conversation about girls, his disinterest in Minhyuk’s women – his disinterest in any women. His trembling voice emanating from Jooheon’s room, begging to feel normal, to be like everyone else. For so long, Hyungwon has managed to bottle up and bury away such an enormous part of him, and Minhyuk has never suspected it, not once.
He tilts his head back with an exasperated sigh, letting the water stream over his skin, hoping for it to wash away the tormenting barrage of thoughts that just won’t leave him alone. He’s embarrassed, ridden with guilt; the realisation is too much to handle all at once.
Eventually the cubicle becomes far too small to hold his swarm of thoughts, so Minhyuk retires to the bedroom; disappointed yet simultaneously relieved that Hyungwon is nowhere to be seen. He’s concerned – Hyungwon can only be taking this a hundred times worse than him – but he’s not quite ready to face him yet, anyway, so having a little extra time to settle his mind is much needed.
Minhyuk perches himself on the edge of his mattress, hands clasped, studying the floor in front of his feet. He tries to ready himself for the inevitable conversation ahead, but his mind is a labyrinth of rumination, and somehow he always ends up back at the memory of Hyungwon in front of the laptop, no matter where he turns.
He waits for what feels like hours, and, when the stillness becomes unbearable, prepares to find and confront Hyungwon himself; but eventually the door opens ever so softly, and Hyungwon’s shrouded, meek figure finally walks in.
Minhyuk stares as Hyungwon silently approaches his own side of the bedroom, facing away from Minhyuk and kneeling before his bedside drawer. He begins searching through it for a few seconds that roll into many, just to give his hands something to do.
Minhyuk watches him mess around with his belongings, anticipating that he will speak, but it becomes apparent that Hyungwon is perhaps doing the same – waiting for and wanting some sort of validation, any indication that what Minhyuk has seen won’t ruin his life forever.
Minhyuk has never put so much thought into how difficult it is for him to find the right words to say, so he falls into default mode and does the one thing he knows he can do best, and cracks a joke.
“So five p.m. is your prime time, huh?”
Hyungwon doesn’t respond and continues sifting loudly through his belongings. Minhyuk tries again.
“I’ve seen your before, you know. It’s really no big deal.”
Hyungwon’s hands don’t stop moving, and he starts shuffling items around more aggressively than before, using the sound to cover noises that he can’t choke back and escape his mouth. His shoulders tremble as he struggles to hold in his emotions, squeezing his eyes shut, praying for the tears to dry. Minhyuk bites his lip, watching Hyungwon shove his things from side to side – he knows jokes just won’t cut it, because getting caught in the act isn’t really what Hyungwon is so upset about.
Minhyuk swings himself off the bed and crouches behind Hyungwon, wrapping his arms around his chest gently. Hyungwon tries to continue his imaginary search for nothing, but his arms fail him, and he gives in to Minhyuk’s embrace and hangs his head, letting himself cry in shame.
“Hyungwon,” Minhyuk murmurs softly. “You know it doesn’t matter, right?”
He cranes his neck to catch a glimpse of Hyungwon’s face before he turns away. It pulls a knot in Minhyuk’s chest, seeing the tears form rivers down Hyungwon’s cheeks and drip from his nose and his chin, seeing his face screw up in pain and hearing those pitiful, heartbreaking sobs, gentle yet deep from the heart, much like everything else about Hyungwon.
Minhyuk pulls him in closer and presses Hyungwon’s back to his chest, resting his cheek on the nape of Hyungwon’s neck.
“You didn’t need to keep this from me,” Minhyuk mumbles.
Hyungwon snivels and chokes on himself. “I’m sorry.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t accept it?”
“I—I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying sorry,” Minhyuk sighs, rubbing his hands up and down Hyungwon’s waist to comfort him. “You did nothing wrong.”
Hyungwon covers his face with his hands, forcefully wiping away the tears that won’t stop flowing. He feels ashamed, stupid, exposed and helpless, and something about Minhyuk’s warmth and tenderness almost makes it worse.
“I thought you were depressed, you idiot,” Minhyuk says, finally releasing Hyungwon and moving to sit beside him, forcing Hyungwon to face him. “I heard you talking to Jooheon, and—” Hyungwon’s eyes immediately widen in panic. “I—I mean, I wasn’t eavesdropping. Well, I was, but, I mean, I didn’t hear much.” He places a hand on Hyungwon’s arm to reassure him as the look of alarm takes over.
“Is this what you were talking about? Because there’s nothing abnormal about you, Hyungwon.”
Hyungwon stares at the floor in shame, wringing his hands, wanting to respond so as to not disappoint Minhyuk, but nothing that comes to mind seems like the right thing to say.
“This is why you’ve been so down, isn’t it?”
“I guess,” Hyungwon whispers. Minhyuk shakes his head and grabs Hyungwon by the shoulders, pulling him in aggressively for another hug.
“You stupid idiot,” he mutters. “You stupid, gay idiot. I’m your best friend. I can’t believe you told Jooheon before me.” He props his chin up on top of Hyungwon’s head. “You don’t need to hide anything from me, okay?”
Hyungwon lowers his head and rests it on Minhyuk’s shoulder, wincing as his throat begins to constrict, tears threatening to spill once more. He can’t bring himself to agree, so they sit in silence, barriers broken, listening to each other breathe.
After a while, Minhyuk manages a smile, because he finally feels like he’s found the solution to getting his best friend back. Yet, despite having stopped crying, and despite losing the weight of having to hide his forbidden secret from Minhyuk, Hyungwon doesn’t feel relieved at all.
Despite his innate carefreeness, Minhyuk finds the next couple of days to be particularly light-hearted and airy; he breezes through work and has no trouble enjoying his free time, with little troubles on his mind to spoil his fun in the bedroom.
Hyungwon remains somewhat unforthcoming, but Minhyuk sympathises that being outed has shaken him up, and is mindful of his patience as he waits for his best friend to warm up to him again. As difficult as it is to contain the endless list of potential jokes – which he still makes in the privacy of their shared room, away from the other members of the group – Minhyuk maintains the normality of their friendship and treats Hyungwon just the same; nettling him to infuriation, riling him up and keeping him up late at night against his will.
“I seriously think girls have better pain tolerance than guys. Like, I thought leg and armpit waxing sounded bad! I don’t know how she handled it. Imagine having hot wax poured all over your hairy and then getting it ripped out, I think I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a fork. Apparently she got her s done as well? I didn’t even know girls had hair?”
Minhyuk scrutinises the socks in his hands, indecisive over whether or not to wear them to bed. He finally looks up and across the room at Hyungwon for the first time since he began shooting his mouth off, finding him swathed under the covers and staring right back at him, noticing the discomfort and hurt written across his face.
Minhyuk takes a long pause, examining Hyungwon’s stiff expression, before gasping in realisation.
“Oh! Stupid me. Girl stuff bothers you, doesn’t it? Okay, okay, I’ll stop. But hey, since your secret’s out, you can share your love life details with me now, you know?” He crosses his legs excitedly and leans forward, gripping the edge of his mattress. “Have you been getting laid behind my back? Is that why you’re always staying home when we all go out? You didn’t in this room, right? If you’re gonna do that then at least have the decency to do it in Changkyun’s bed.”
Hyungwon shuts his eyes with a sigh, defeated by Minhyuk’s relentless quizzing. Every word pains him, like knives straight through his ears.
“No, Minhyuk. It’s not like that.”
“Come on!” Minhyuk insists. “Surely there’s someone you’ve got your eyes on. Who is it? Huh?”
Instead of responding, Hyungwon silently shuffles himself around to lie on his side, fronting the wall, and the cheeky smile on Minhyuk’s face plummets.
Minhyuk immediately thinks back to how secure he felt having Hyungwon tucked away in his arms just days ago, a signal to the end of an era of sleeping with their backs faced against each other. The simple motion of dismissal rips a hole in Minhyuk’s chest, shattering the illusion that whatever went wrong between them had been fixed.
Minhyuk is baffled – not just at Hyungwon’s cold reaction to the light-hearted joke, but at his blatant, frigid disregard of Minhyuk altogether.
“Why are you acting like this?” Minhyuk retorts, the cheerfulness stripped from his voice. “You’re still all miserable.”
“I’m fine,” Hyungwon says shortly.
“No, you’re not,” Minhyuk retaliates. He pushes himself up onto his feet, too frustrated to stay seated. “You’re supposed to be comfortable talking to me. I’m your best friend. Why don’t you trust me anymore?”
Hyungwon clenches his teeth and his jaw goes taut, shoulders squaring, fingers curling into fists to grip onto the last of his patience. The callous words ring loud in his ears, teeming with entitlement, the same entitlement Minhyuk has always carried around with him. Hyungwon had hoped that his coming out would have made things different, but logically he knew it wouldn’t – he knew that Minhyuk’s belief that he has every right to Hyungwon’s feelings was too deeply rooted within him to change.
It bewilders him that Minhyuk could be so ignorant to not realise his overbearing nature is what stifles his ability to open up and comfortably allow him to see inside. The boldness Minhyuk possesses, to shift the blame away from himself, makes Hyungwon seethe.
“I found out your big secret, Hyungwon, but I feel like you’re still hiding things from me.”
The words burn like embers. Hyungwon’s anger ignites in rippling flames.
“Maybe I am,” Hyungwon snaps.
Minhyuk’s stare bores holes into his back, so much so that Hyungwon can almost see the circles forming on the wall in front of him, or perhaps he’s punctured them onto the paint himself, for all the times he’s spent looking in the same spot to avoid letting Minhyuk re-open his same wounds.
Mouth agape in disbelief, defeated by the barricades Hyungwon has reinstated around himself, Minhyuk curses under his breath and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
He steals extra pillows and blankets from Kihyun and sets himself up on the couch for the night, refusing to sleep in his bed knowing that Hyungwon would be across the room. He makes a mental note to remind Hyungwon in the morning that if his precious secret is that of a love affair, then he’s already figured it out, because his intimate relationship with the bedroom wall is hard to miss.
As much as it hurts to have Hyungwon blankly brush him aside again, Minhyuk’s clueless annoyance overpowers the logic that tells him to be a little more sensitive, and stifles his desire to make amends.
Instead, he drifts through days of work and nights of affairs mulling over Hyungwon’s inconsistent behaviour, stitching together messy threads of thought in an attempt to connect the dots; but the more he thinks, the more they tangle.
Hyungwon is never the sort to make a scene over a mood disturbance. Most of the time, he fronts his characteristic easy-going nature, laughing in the face of taunting and teasing even when the forceful presence of cameras isn’t there. He’s resilient to most of Minhyuk’s jokes – for their friendship to last, he’s had no other choice but to be – but his sensitivity almost always seems to flare up at the same time of night, in the short time brackets between Minhyuk leaving and returning home. His episodes of fragility occur on most nights, but not all, and sometimes during the day, always seemingly unprovoked, and Minhyuk’s attempts to unravel his matted ruminations go round in hopeless circles before eventually collapsing of exhaustion and failing miserably.
He’s standing at the mirror dressing himself for his date, blindly fumbling with his shirt buttons while his eyes are occupied by the hunched over figure behind his reflection. Hyungwon, curled up to his phone on his bed, has taken no notice of Minhyuk’s smouldering stare through the glass.
Minhyuk – all-knowing, always-gets-his-way Minhyuk – is infuriated by his inability to make sense of Hyungwon’s temperamental attitude. The only commonality threading his unpredictable mood flips together is the female-centred conversations that precede them – but even still, the evidence doesn’t hang together, because Hyungwon never seems to act up when listening to the same things come out of someone else’s mouth. Minhyuk is only able to muster one logical explanation for this: that perhaps Hyungwon is hurt by the feeling that his best friend is abandoning and rarely making time for him. But Minhyuk is troubled by an unsettling intuition that there is something more to this – a disguised feeling of bitterness, an unexplainable jealousy. It seems implausible, Hyungwon isn’t the sort to get jealous, but the gnawing sensation of suspicion unhinges a need to get to the bottom of it all.
“Hey. What do you think?”
Hyungwon looks up from his phone, slightly taken aback by Minhyuk’s demanding tone. He meets Minhyuk’s eyes through the mirror, glancing over his attire, unsurprised at how breathtakingly irresistible he’s fixed himself to be.
The snap in Minhyuk’s voice tells Hyungwon that he’s asking for something more than just approval of his outfit, but Hyungwon plays dumb in the hopes of diverting his intentions.
“You look fine. As always.”
Minhyuk raises his chin, staring into the fierce gaze of his own reflection as he drinks in the empty response. Unsatisfied by the bland reaction, he allows his frustration to take the forefront of his thoughts that end up tumbling out of his mouth recklessly.
“Alright. Just wanted to know if I can have the same effect on guys as I do on girls.”
He busies himself smoothing out his waistcoat and cuffing his sleeves, watching dumbfounded Hyungwon in the corner of the mirror, staring right back at him.
“Why would that matter to you?” Hyungwon retorts.
A sick, smug sense of satisfaction kindles in Minhyuk’s chest, knowing he’s finally managed to pique Hyungwon’s interest. There’s more to Hyungwon’s tone than his usual tired indifference, an edge of annoyance; the spark of indignation on his eyes exposing the hidden emotions he so fervently works to suppress. It’s unlike any reaction Minhyuk has garnered from Hyungwon before, a difference he can only attribute to the single distinguishing factor of a prospective male, rather than his usual female, hook-up.
He’s simultaneously pleased by his ability to predict the reason behind Hyungwon’s bitterness, and yet unsettled by the flock of unanswered questions that stem from it.
The unfriendly tension from the past few days remains suspended between them, now more strained than ever, and Minhyuk can sense the threat of it snapping if he pushes Hyungwon much further. He hesitates momentarily, but he’s far too consumed by the gratification of securing Hyungwon’s attention, and the temptation to play his mind games is too much to resist.
“Because I’m seeing a guy tonight.”
The menacing words hang in the air, caught in the thick web of heavy atmosphere. The frost in his tone makes the room go cold.
Minhyuk lets the silence settle in for a few lengthy moments, before slowly turning around to meet Hyungwon’s dumbstruck face.
So?” he continues coldly, “what do you think?”
Hyungwon’s jaw hangs slack – no, completely unhinged; a tortured look of bewilderment plastered across his face as if Minhyuk had slapped it on with his own hands.
Hyungwon remains blanked out for a few long moments until the whiteness of his shock recedes, though his mind is still clouded by disoriented disbelief. He can’t make sense of anything except that, by the hardness in his voice, his mind is set on achieving something much more spiteful than just an assessment of his appearance.
A twinge of guilt flickers in Minhyuk’s chest as he watches Hyungwon’s expression shift from astonished, to confused, to utterly hurt and torn apart. He’s unsettled by the thought that, maybe, he shouldn’t have pushed his little experiment so far, but Hyungwon’s features begin to twist in rage, and he knows it’s too late to back down now.
“Are you doing this to piss me off?” Hyungwon splutters.
Minhyuk raises an eyebrow unsympathetically. “Why would it piss you off?”
Hyungwon gapes, slack-jawed, at the response. Minhyuk’s cold stare is hardened by vindictiveness, the remaining malice from his words dripping from his pressed lips.
Too many times, Hyungwon has spared Minhyuk from taking the blame for his hurtful behaviour, justifying it by means of his inherent brashness and innocent intentions. Too many times, Hyungwon has consoled himself with reminders that Minhyuk is stupid and oblivious and just likes to play around, but this time he knows the cruelty is calculated, and it cuts deeper than any wound Minhyuk has ever scarred him with.
He’s completely taken aback, horrified and disoriented and crushed to bits, realising that whatever comforting words Minhyuk had said to him were only purposeful for settling his own selfish mind that he wasn’t at fault for Hyungwon’s misery. Searching for the non-existent empathy in Minhyuk’s eyes, it becomes glaringly obvious that he doesn’t care about Hyungwon’s feelings at all, and perhaps he never really did in the first place.
“You can’t…you just…” Hyungwon stammers helplessly. He wrangles to form his emotions into coherent words, but loses them in the fog between his mind and his mouth, and finally trails off in surrender, because he knows Minhyuk is unmatched and he’ll never come out of a disagreement with him on top, he never has.
“Forget it,” Hyungwon mutters.
Teeth gritted, jaw locked, Minhyuk holds his gaze firmly and waits for Hyungwon to angrily throw himself into bed and stare at his favourite spot on the wall; but Hyungwon is seeing red and his fury is suffocating. Trapped in a prison of rage, Hyungwon knows he has to escape right now, fearful that he’ll either boil over and start a fight, or break down crying.
Minhyuk watches guiltily as his best friend marches past him, smouldering, slamming the door behind him with only a draught of frigid air left as a trace. He waits for the wood to stop rattling, then looks across the empty room at Hyungwon’s tousled bedsheets and blankets, before facing the mirror and staring numbly at his reflection, blank canvas expression artfully disguised by an alluring palette of colours. He assesses the shadows on his eyelids and the hardened frown on his mouth, tugs the hem of his shirt to straighten it out one last time, before tilting his chin confidently and leaving the room.
When he slides into his car and closes himself in, rather than speeding off immediately as he usually would, Minhyuk leans back into his seat and sits in silence, drinking in the bleakness of the gloomy carpark as he waits for his hammering heartbeat to settle.
His mind in shambles, Minhyuk knows his night will be no more than unfulfilling, but, having far too much pride and nothing else to do for the evening, he reasons that he may as well try to get something out of it. At the very least, it’s an excuse to be away from the mess he’s left behind.
Days turn into weeks and the distance separating Minhyuk and Hyungwon grows into a lonely abyss, far too deep and dark to risk venturing into. Minhyuk fills the time that he’d usually spend talking to Hyungwon staring at him from across the room, stealing glances at his wounded expressions before he turns his back to hide them. Hyungwon hangs his head low and keeps his eyes to the floor to avoid sparking another confrontation, but Minhyuk is still brooding over their last, the memories stark and the discomfort unbearable. The strain between them isn’t apparent enough for the other members to notice, but it’s all Minhyuk can see.
They barely speak, and Minhyuk has given up on attempting to make conversation as usual. Watching Hyungwon amble in and out of rooms with bleary eyes and downturned lips makes Minhyuk consider bringing up their last altercation, to clarify that he never intended on meeting up with a guy, but he still can’t make sense of why that should make a difference, anyway.
He expends far too much of his mental energy on trying to piece together the puzzling clues, analysing the signs over and over again, flipping them on their sides and upside down and scrutinising every detail that his tired mind can recall. The warm glow of contentment that emanated from Hyungwon when Minhyuk would sit beside him, the way Hyungwon’s eyes never strayed from him, always watching with an undying glint of fondness, his growing bitterness and disinterest in Minhyuk’s romantic life, how utterly shattered he seems when Minhyuk comes back home late. The longer Minhyuk considers it, the less it seems like Hyungwon has a problem with Minhyuk’s female acquaintances, and more like the problem is with Minhyuk himself.
He returns grumpy and unsatisfied from his afternoon date, head clouded, thoughts scattered like a half-finished jigsaw. He’s wound up and b with unreleased energy, having spent the whole time wracking his brains for answers, more adamant than ever to shake the unshakeable mind disturbance that Hyungwon has become to him.
Minhyuk finds himself back under a scalding shower of hot water and blistering speculations, drowned by an uncanny sense of déjà-vu that paints the tiles surrounding him. He’s been here before, the night he thought he’d solved Hyungwon’s clandestine mystery, but this time around Minhyuk thinks his hunt for a resolution has opened a cosmos of secrets that he was never prepared to see.
The resentful glower that Hyungwon wore as he left their last disagreement, his spiteful reactions to friendly conversations, slamming doors, scowls and frowns and nights spent with his back turned to Minhyuk, all signs pointing to glaring, virulent jealousy. But Minhyuk knows enough now to be sure that Hyungwon can’t be envious of Minhyuk, for his lifestyle, for his endless inventory of girls; but unimaginably, perhaps he’s jealous of all of those things for the one common thing that underpins them all.
The sun sets in incandescent hues of orange and yellow, its warm glow luminating the bedroom walls like layers of gold. Minhyuk stands in the doorway grasping the towel draped over his bare shoulders, watching Hyungwon nap through the afternoon, so serene and cosy in the midst of Minhyuk’s chaos.
Minhyuk’s reservations are still swarming him, and it angers him to watch Hyungwon sleep so restfully through the torture of the past few weeks. Waking him from slumber seems a shade too cruel, but Minhyuk is exhausted from trying and failing to disentangle their mess, and too overcome by burning suspicion to wait any longer. He resolves that Hyungwon spends far too much time in bed sleeping away his problems, anyway, so he throws his towel to the floor and grits his teeth, advancing in.
He carefully climbs onto the bed and slides himself into the narrow gap between Hyungwon and the edge of the mattress, shuffling himself until they’re face to face. He takes a few quiet seconds to appreciate how peaceful Hyungwon seems when he sleeps, a gentle expression replacing his perpetual frown, hands balled up and tucked safely under his chin. For just a moment, the anger dissipates, and Minhyuk feels his brittle edges soften at the sight of his best friend finally at ease.
Upon reflection, Minhyuk realises he’s never really taken the time to appreciate Hyungwon’s lovely features and how well they fit together on his delicate face. From his long eyelashes to his pouted lips that look enticingly tender, everything about Hyungwon is enchanting, reeling Minhyuk in as he fails to suppress the desire to reach out and feel it for himself.
He raises a hand to Hyungwon’s face and places a finger on his inviting red lips, softly tracing the supple flesh.
Hyungwon’s eyes immediately fly open and their gazes lock. Minhyuk’s eyes are warm and curious, just centimetres from his face, and Hyungwon’s breath audibly hitches.
It’s been a long time since they’ve come so close, certainly the first time since Hyungwon’s coming out, but Hyungwon’s drowsy mind is unsure if that’s the sole reason why this feels so undeniably intimate.
Minhyuk continues brushing his finger back and forth across Hyungwon’s bottom lip, the sensation sending tingles down Hyungwon’s spine. He opens his mouth ever so slightly, fumbling for words to question or protest, but his mind goes blank when Minhyuk’s finger curls and gently pulls on his lip.
The air around them is still but the space between them is filled with unsaid words and thoughts. They lie in the silence for a few moments, until Hyungwon can’t bear it any longer and moves to escape.
Minhyuk’s quick reflexes catch him and he grasps Hyungwon’s wrist before he can sit up, startling him motionless. He holds his arm tight, examining Hyungwon’s flustered reaction, before pulling Hyungwon’s hand in and pressing it against his bare chest.
Hyungwon feels Minhyuk’s slow heartbeat under his hand as the rate of his own picks up rapidly. Minhyuk’s slender fingers loosen their grip, as if he’s inviting him in, giving him permission to touch and come closer. Hyungwon feels almost dizzy, the horror and excitement and enthrallment coursing through his veins, terrified but in love with the feeling all at once.
Minhyuk’s skin is hot and smooth and frighteningly tempting, so much so that Hyungwon can’t stop the urge to roam, his hand beginning to explore the firmness of Minhyuk’s chest, the sharpness of his collarbone and the curve of his broad shoulders. Milky white, soft yet strong, the body that Hyungwon has been pressed up against countless times before, every crevice so familiar yet so electrifyingly new against his hands. The many years of silent infatuation with Minhyuk’s beauty makes this no less exhilarating – he’s hypnotised by the newfound closeness, wanting to discover every part of Minhyuk he’s never been able to have, to claim it all as his own and leave no place untouched.
Minhyuk’s body moves as he takes in a calm breath, and feeling it beneath his palm snaps Hyungwon out of his trance, causing him to recoil abruptly and look back up in fright. Minhyuk’s gaze is unfaltering, but his eyes are saturated with what initially reads as judgment but quickly becomes apparent to be rumination. Hyungwon watches in terror through Minhyuk’s warm irises, watching the pieces of the puzzle fall together, watching his best friend unravel the dirty, shameful secret that he’s tried so hard, for so long, to hide.
Minhyuk blinks slowly, composed as ever as Hyungwon lays next to him, cheeks flushed red, suffocating. The strangled look on Hyungwon’s face only confirms Minhyuk’s conclusions, and just like that, all of the unmet ends are strung together, and his questions are answered. He can’t help but think, if he’d listened to Hyungwon’s conversation with Jooheon just a little longer, he would have known all along.
Minhyuk pushes himself up and off the bed, leaving Hyungwon to himself, his reeling thoughts and the warm, empty space on the mattress beside him. He exits the room without a second glance, shutting the door quietly behind him.
It takes all of Hyungwon’s energy not to react when Minhyuk slips into the seat beside him around the dinner table. His lack of appetite is only exacerbated by his presence – the simple thought of sitting through an entire meal next to Minhyuk is enough to make his stomach turn.
As usual, Minhyuk shovels his dinner down like a machine, and Hyungwon barely touches his meal, picking and nibbling on singular grains of rice.
Eventually Minhyuk looks over and nudges him, and Hyungwon feels his heart clank at his feet, gingerly turning to face him.
“You didn’t eat any of your meat.”
He says it out of genuine concern, but a few long seconds pass and Minhyuk smirks, realising the potential to turn the comment sideways.
“You want some of mine?”
Hyungwon turns away to face his lap and he shuts his eyes, knuckles blanching white as he grips his spoon forcefully. He tells himself that Minhyuk only means well, he wants to break the ice with humour, but combined with their silent encounter in his bed earlier, he can’t help but think that Minhyuk is only pushing buttons and testing his limits.
“Why are you doing this?” Hyungwon whispers, hanging his head lower until his hair covers his face, afraid of causing a scene but far too vulnerable to keep his chin up.
“Did you two argue?” Kihyun asks bluntly, noticing Hyungwon shrinking into his seat and Minhyuk’s sudden frown. His voice overwhelms the mild tabletop chatter that quickly falls away, as everyone turns to face the pair curiously.
Minhyuk perks up instantly, shaking his head. “Nope.” He sticks his chopsticks into Hyungwon’s meal and snatches a piece of meat, grinning smugly, but Hyungwon doesn’t move.
Hyunwoo, seated on the other side of Hyungwon, reaches over to pat his knee, nodding towards the table when Hyungwon hesitantly glances over at him. “You should eat some more.”
Hyungwon nods with a quiet apology, forcing down a few painful mouthfuls to convince the others that everything is fine, that his head isn’t spinning and his stomach isn’t churning and his heart isn’t in pieces, shattered fragments rattling in his empty chest.
Their bedroom is awfully, uncharacteristically silent that night.
By now, with all the lights out and everyone else in the dorm asleep, Minhyuk would have made at least a comment or two, even if it were just to himself, because he seems to love the sound of his own voice to lull himself to sleep.
Hyungwon and Minhyuk lie wide awake in the darkness, an unsaid conversation waiting to be started, loud enough to keep them both from sleep.
It takes far longer than usual, but Minhyuk eventually finds the sound of Hyungwon’s unsteady breathing unbearable, and braves the tension.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable today.”
Hyungwon remains silent. He stares at the ceiling, allowing the words to penetrate the air and settle in, seesawing between acceptance and rejection of the apology.
He didn’t seem sorry when he was sneering at the dinner table. He didn’t seem sorry when he forced their intimate touch. He didn’t seem sorry when he was staring Hyungwon down, as if he was waiting for him to crumble.
“I just had to make sure I wasn’t being all egotistical.”
Hyungwon blinks at the murky silhouettes of the lights above him, just barely visible by the moonlight leaking through the blinds. He doesn’t want a conversation, but simultaneously, despises the suffocating undercurrent of awkwardness between them, and wants it cleared.
“What do you mean?” Hyungwon asks.
He hears the shuffle of blankets and sheets as Minhyuk adjusts himself, and his voice seems just slightly closer, as if he’s turned to face him. “It just seemed narcissistic to assume that someone as hot as you would have feelings for me, you know?”
Hyungwon’s eyes flutter shut and he releases a burdened sigh. The bantering words are piercing, and the pang lingers in his chest. The incidents from the day were so minimal and so brief, but Hyungwon is spent; drained of energy from waiting so many years for Minhyuk to finally think before he speaks, wishing and wanting for his babbling and careless mouth to just stop.
“Minhyuk…”
“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk blurts. “I—I should be more careful about what I say.” He takes a moment before continuing, a touch softer than before; “I’m just trying to figure this out.”
Hyungwon purses his lips together. His eyes sting as tears prickle at their corners, slipping down his cheeks, pattering softly onto the pillow beneath him.
“Just forget about it,” Hyungwon snaps. He tries to sound calm, but the anger seeps through his voice, anger from being provoked and having his heart and his identity toyed with while being helpless to Minhyuk’s games. Anger at how Minhyuk is always on his mind, he always has been, a blossomed seed planted in his chest that refuses to stop growing, forming vines of bleeding ivy that strangle his heart. Anger at how the only part of him left unseen, the most precious and vulnerable part of him, was torn open and infiltrated by Minhyuk, just like everything else in his life.
“Forget about it,” Hyungwon repeats, his voice quavering as he holds himself back. “Don’t try and figure it out. Pretend none of this ever happened. Go back to talking about all the girls you and treating me like your diary that doesn’t talk back, because it was—" his voice going hoarse, “—it was so much easier that way.”
He’s so tired of crying. He’s tired of swallowing back swollen lumps in his throat and burying his face into his pillow to muffle the noise, so nobody suspects that he’s broken. But the tears don’t stop, and just like usual, Hyungwon rolls on his side to face the wall, flattening the pillow against his mouth so the sound of his sobbing penetrates the space between them a little less.
And the silence endures. Minhyuk waits for Hyungwon to slate him again, to vilify him like he knows he deserves, but he doesn’t. Hyungwon waits for Minhyuk to open his big mouth and let the hurtful words spill, because he’s never learned how to restrain himself, but the words never come. Five minutes, ten minutes, time trickles away until they both accept that the conversation is over, and a sleepless night inundated by guilt and regret awaits them.
✏ { a/n } yes i know the monstas have separate rooms and hyunghyuk don't even live in the same dorm JUST GO WITH IT OK!!!! also please let me know if u spot any spelling/grammar mistakes i wont be offended!!!! not that anyone is reading this anyway!!!!! i am going to shut up now !!!!!!
word count: 12,185
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