It was never a great idea. Not one bit when it comes to appeasing Jiwan for it will mean that Sol would be hurting. The round table was vast yet she can clearly hear the squeals and excitement of the people around her. The only consolation was Nabi and Bitna’s presence, their familiarity at least soothing. She doesn’t know most of the people anymore. Her well-aware fault for disappearing suddenly.

 

 

 

“Hey, you okay?” Nabi’s concern trickling. Sol’s food, untouched and unnoticed.

 

 

 

The taller’s eyes emerged from it’s solemn, meeting worried ones. No voice made. Just a simple nod and a faint smile. Sol was already regretting this decision.

 

 

 

“Want to go to the bar?” Bitna joined in. Sensing the tension.

 

 

 

Sol just chuckled already forming an excuse but the two knew better and held both of her elbows forcing her to stand up. That earned all looks especially one pair of inquisitive eyes. The taller bowed and excused the three of them. They headed to the bar and ordered their poison.

 

 

 

Liquor downed and conversations progress. Bitna telling crazy stories about Gyuhyun, Nabi and Sol just passively listening. The bitter sweet liquid calming the tallest Korean’s nerves. She was genuinely enjoying herself, away from the table. For a moment, she felt guilt for leaving unannounced. They were her friends after all.

 

 

 

“So Sol, are you dating anyone?” The quirky girl questioned, intrigued. Honestly, Bitna was the most observant of their bunch. But she doesn’t stick her nose to where it doesn’t belong. Doesn’t pry nor bulldoze. Until that night. The first time she saw this tower of a girl shed hot tears and the first time she saw her defeated. Her tall demeanor deflated, crumbling.

 

 

 

“No.” Sol dryly answered, a swig of vodka after.

 

 

 

“What? 3 years in Paris and you didn’t snag any french ?” Bitna retorted, not surprised a bit.

 

 

 

“Yah yah. Stop pestering, Sol and just entertain us with your stories.” Nabi joined in, one hand with beer.

 

 

 

“Well you know, I did try. It just doesn’t work out as well as I hoped.” Sol reasoned, half-truth in the words she said. Because in every person she had dated, one face always seem to appear. One face she longed to forget but seemingly can’t until she didn’t try anymore. It was a waste of time. All of her energy and passion went into her art instead. Her sculptures. Her muse. Passion and pain undoubtedly produce amazing art anyways so it did work out in some ways.

 

 

 

The three were making small talks about their lives and career, a soft caress caught Sol’s attention. Maybe she shouldn’t feel the tingles, shouldn’t feel the warmth, still she allowed herself. Basking in the presence of Seo Jiwan.

 

 

 

“Hey guys, having fun?” Jiwan’s head popped beside Sol’s shoulders, all smiles and stunning that she couldn’t help but savor it in while she can.

 

 

 

Sensing that Sol would not be talking soon, Nabi answered, “Yeah. It’s a nice place, Jiwan-ah.”

 

 

 

Eyes turned to crescents and dimples deepening, Jiwan was contented with the answer. She then turned to Sol, examining her. Giving her the warmest beam, filling Sol’s chest with this inexplainable delight.

 

 

 

“Sol-ah, I have a favor to ask you.” Jiwan said. Sol anticipated the next words. In her mind, whatever favor it was, it would be done. Because it’s Jiwan. And she will readily give her anything. Everything.

 

 

 

“Would you be the maid of honor?” Hesitation was evident yet those words didn’t hurt less. A knife dug deeper as the meaning sinks in. She was bleeding dry but who was she to deny her. 

 

 

 

With every fiber of her being, she smiled. As forced as it was, she gave her the answer she wants to hear. “Sure, Jiwan-ah.” Anything for you.

 

 

 

The last drop of vodka gone signals it’s time to leave. Why was she such a masochist? Because at least she feels, feels things because of Jiwan. Not just a shell of body like when she was away.

 

 

 

She bid goodbye to her three friends at the bar. Ready to just lay in her soft mattress and be embraced in the gentleness. Protests ensues, still she promises to make it up to them some other time.

 

 

 

Sol thought she was ready to just sleep but her subconscious betrayed her. She was now at her studio, dimly lit and a bit disorganized. Just how she wants it. It was like the tangible representation of everything that is her. How she is.

 

 

 

Hands carefully molding, curves and edges smoothening. She spent hours shaping her thoughts, unaware that streaks of sunshine lazily pierces the window. A lone drop of sweat falls, she drank her water. Admiring her creation. Imperfect but extraordinary. 

 

 

 

And with everything messy in her life, art always put everything into perspective. Her own type of therapy, escape. It was her sanity.

 

 

 

Heavy sighs, power drained, it was time to go home. She cleaned up and got her bag. A ding was heard and she looked at her phone. A smile crept unknowingly. Her best friend texted, a reminder of her duties as a maid of honor. As consuming as it is, she is willing.

 

 

 

She can endure this. Because one thing she learned after the years, it was better to have Jiwan in her life than no Jiwan at all.

 

 

—————————

 

“Okay. So as your maid of honor, what can I help you with?” The bitterness lacing her tongue. She bit off the snicker threatening to come out.

 

Two friends sat across each other inside a mundane cafe. It was a lazy afternoon. The place cozy and casual. 

 

“Don’t you think we should start with the venue?” The shorter girl’s brows crumpling, thinking on where to start. Sol’s heart somersaulted at the sight. Thinking Jiwan was adorable. Her hands almost reached out to smoothen the creases. Almost. But it was not her place so she held back.

 

The taller agreed. She’s just basically there for support and a helping hand if needed. Allowing the petite to lead.

 

“There’s a popular event place near here. Let’s check it out.” Jiwan added, listing their to-do list for the day.

 

Sol sips her coffee, about to habitually agree with Jiwan when she realized something. “Event place? Didn’t you say you wanted a beach wedding when we were younger?” She carelessly exposed. Stating as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

 

Jiwan looked up, surprised Sol remembered such detail. And for a second, the taller swore she saw a glimmer in those round eyes she used to see before. A look only she sees. The second it came, the next it disappeared. Even Sol was unsure if it’s mere illusion.

 

A chuckle coming from the other, obviously hinged at the information even she had already forgotten. “Oh yeah. I did, didn’t I?”

 

“Yes. You can’t stop talking about how beautiful it would be when the sun sets as you exchange your vows.” Sol continued, vividly recollecting the moments the other girl forced her to be the groom in a make-believe ceremony. If she only knew, Sol would have cherished them more.

 

Observing the other, she noticed her fidget in deep thought. Eyes looking anywhere but her. Maybe she wants a different place now. “So?” Sol added, trying to elicit a response.

 

 

“Oh. Uh. Well Soohyun requested to just keep it simple. I agree with him. Let’s just go to the events place.” Jiwan beamed, reassuring her best friend. Sol can only nod, accepting the choice. As long as she’s happy.

 

 

Strolling side by side, their hands lightly brush with each other, in sync. Sol being hyperaware of everything Seo Jiwan, enjoys it with purity. The weather drawn with a certain solace, birds chirping and children laughing at distant parks. Simple feats with her best friend are always the best. Almost to perfection. Until they arrived at the building.

 

 

A suited man waiting in the corner, phone in ear, hair combed to flawlessness. Approaching with every step, Jiwan’s pace fastened, welcoming the man with a hug. A peck followed after. Redirecting her gaze elsewhere was Sol’s barren attempt to protect her heart.

 

 

The act of endearment ended, and they were introduced with each other. Sturdy handshake, a polite bow. 

 

 

“Let’s go in and check out the place.” Jiwan exclaimed, eagerness evident. No hint of enthusiasm on the other half. Attempting to get her fiance’s attention, Jiwan clung on his arm, pouting yet to no avail. He motioned for her to settle down, indicating to not disturb him.

 

Her face longed, she gazed at Sol. And there she was, arm at the ready, gesturing for them to go in with her most charming smile. All ready to welcome her, waiting ptiently. Hand and arms hooked, both pairs of eyes turn into crescents, they went into the building together.

 

 

-----------------------

The day was longer than she expected. After booking the place, the couple invited her to dinner. A decline unavoidable, her exhibition used as defense. A cloud of thoughts loom in her, she needed her therapy.

 

At the studio, a canvas in place and brush, her hands started dancing. Creating her magic yet again. The thoughts guiding every and hue of the portrait. She allows them to be transparent and by the end of the night, a rough picture of a sand and water meeting emerged in abstract. A smile crept, pride seeping at another piece for her exhibition.

 

 

Ringing invaded the silence. Answering it, she heard a soft tone asking if she got home safe. No amount of years can make her stop the butterlfies settling in her stomach. She let it be.

 

"I was just about to go home. I needed to finish something at the studio." Sol answered.

 

 

"Oh really? What did you make?" Shy tones, adorable for her ears. She can feel them heating, imagining how adorable Jiwan must be right now.

 

 

"Nothing much. Just a portrait." Truth in her words, incomplete but true for it was not just a portrait, but a memory that she'll forever treasure when the time comes. When the time comes that she no longer is Jiwan's favorite person. When the time he becomes her favorite person. A pinch at her heart at the realization.

 

 

Cab hailed, she sat at the back. She can hear the soft breaths on the other line. Jiwan must be tired too. Wanting the other girl to rest, she said her goodnight. 

But before she could hang up, Jiwan uttered words which rekindled the burning fire she tried to extuingish years ago.

 

 

"I'm happy you're back. I missed you so much."

 

------------

 

I MISS SOLJIWAN T.T