REVIEW: Love Story
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Review Request!
Requested by: fiqadongwoo
Reviewer: dubumints
Story: Love Story
Title: 3/10
The title is so unoriginal.
101 out of 100 fics here in AFF is a love story, what makes yours different then? The title is very vital, remember that! Be more creative to invite readers in!
It is not catchy at all, and if I was a normal reader, and was looking for an infinite-based story, I probably wouldn't click on your story.
Would you like suggestions?
How about:
Four Proposals to Forever
I Choose to be with you...Infinitely.
The title is so unoriginal.
101 out of 100 fics here in AFF is a love story, what makes yours different then? The title is very vital, remember that! Be more creative to invite readers in!
It is not catchy at all, and if I was a normal reader, and was looking for an infinite-based story, I probably wouldn't click on your story.
Would you like suggestions?
How about:
Four Proposals to Forever
I Choose to be with you...Infinitely.
Description/Foreword: 5/10
First of all, I will tell you the difference of the description and the foreword, the description contains character profiles/chart, catchphrase, summary, and the credits (if you have any) while the foreword will contain your prologue and the author's notes, you did do the foreword correctly, but based on appeal, it doesn't look inviting at all.
The description && foreword is the base of your whole fic, make it look bright and pretty as much as you can.
Characterization: 12/20
To be honest, I find the characterization of your characters a bit vague and confusing.
To be honest, I find the characterization of your characters a bit vague and confusing.
Also, you committed one of the mortal sins here in AFF: using _____ as your OC's name. Please do not do that. Your OC is your own creation, you are the one that breathe life into her, her features, personality, and quirks, so why not give her a name? Not only would it look a million times better, it would also help the reader get more of a feel in your story. I understand that it's a YOU fic, but trust me, you fics that use actual names for their OC get more interest. The name doesn't even have to be very pretty or whatever, just please, give her a name!
Okay, what else?
Hmm... I understand that perfume designing is her passion, right? I mean, she went to Korea for it! So maybe you could have inserted that somewhere in your fic to make things a bit more realistic.
You also lack consistency. He's asking her to keep their relationship a secret yet he proposed to her (and even got Infinite to sing for her publicly) in the theme park, in everyone's plain sight!
Plus, I thought it was five proposals already? Check your story.
Also, it seems a bit weird that her parents, who are pure Malaysians, may I add, would speak to her in Korean and vice versa. Stick to English or else you will have your readers make this kind of face while reading O_O.
Dongwoo's character is very sweet but I feel like he's fallen in love with her too early on. I mean, I know she looks like his old flame but for him to easily see her as herself and not sa In Ha is quite odd. Especially because he was so attached to her. Maybe you could have made him treat her more for some time the same way he would treat his old girlfriend then you could've inserted some traits in your OC that's NOT the same with In Ha, so that Dongwoo could go, Oh, so this is the real ____, she's her own self, and it's new, I think somehow, I'm falling for her, and stuff like that. That would have made more sense.
The other infinite members are very nice and sweet and stuff, but you also made their character paces too fast, the way they warmed up to her that much after the first meeting? Hmm. You could have added more scenes you know. Especially with Myungsoo, seeing as how he was the ultimate oppa for her.
Sungyeol also fell too fast :/ I really wish you added more details and scenes.
Sungyeol also fell too fast :/ I really wish you added more details and scenes.
Plot: 13/20
The plot is cliche. Also, it is a little bit unrealistic...Sorry. :/
But what I mean is, a lot of fics here in AFF always have the main girl being chased by a minimum of three boys. It is so tiring, how is it that she so easily attracted these guys? I understand that she's probably really drop-dead gorgeous and stuff, but to have someone fall in love with her so deeply after a disaster date? (Yes, I'm talking about Ji Hoo) that...is a bit too much. :/
The cliffhangers were lacking too, I felt no excitement from them.
The good thing with your story though is you create really great scenes! I love the twists you put in, that it wasn't an easy happy ending for the two. You have a creative mind! But then, proper pacing, more details, and vivid description would have made your fic tons better.
The plot is cliche. Also, it is a little bit unrealistic...Sorry. :/
But what I mean is, a lot of fics here in AFF always have the main girl being chased by a minimum of three boys. It is so tiring, how is it that she so easily attracted these guys? I understand that she's probably really drop-dead gorgeous and stuff, but to have someone fall in love with her so deeply after a disaster date? (Yes, I'm talking about Ji Hoo) that...is a bit too much. :/
The cliffhangers were lacking too, I felt no excitement from them.
The good thing with your story though is you create really great scenes! I love the twists you put in, that it wasn't an easy happy ending for the two. You have a creative mind! But then, proper pacing, more details, and vivid description would have made your fic tons better.
Organization: 1/5
The foreword/description looked messy, so do the other chapters.
I noticed that you kept on using ellipses (...) a lot, please refrain from doing so unless you really need to.
Also, proper spacing in each paragraph please!
Lastly, using narrative then suddenly switching to script at the last few chapters was a bit unsightly. If you're going to use narrative (which is the more preferable one out of the two) then stick with it until the end.
The foreword/description looked messy, so do the other chapters.
I noticed that you kept on using ellipses (...) a lot, please refrain from doing so unless you really need to.
Also, proper spacing in each paragraph please!
Lastly, using narrative then suddenly switching to script at the last few chapters was a bit unsightly. If you're going to use narrative (which is the more preferable one out of the two) then stick with it until the end.
Spelling, Grammar, Context and Usage: 8/15
You have understandable sentences, but there were a lot of mistakes.
As usual, running it through MS Word or with a proofreader should correct your mistakes.
Also, you used some words in the wrong context.
For example, 'monologue', monologue is used when the character is speaking.
The better word would be 'thought' as in:
As usual, running it through MS Word or with a proofreader should correct your mistakes.
Also, you used some words in the wrong context.
For example, 'monologue', monologue is used when the character is speaking.
The better word would be 'thought' as in:
Original: Dongwoo just looked at my excited face and felt a slight butterflies in his stomach.. ' Why am I like this? It's like I never seen a beautiful girl.. But she's different.. She's unique..' he monologued..
Fixed: Dongwoo looked at your excited face and felt slight butterflies in his stomach. 'Why am I like this? It's not like I’ve never seen a beautiful girl before. But…she's different. She's unique.' He thought to himself.
There were some other words too, but not too major.
Plus, I noticed that you were using Korean words throughout the story, there's nothing wrong with this but I suggest giving translations after. Oppa, Unnie, Annyeonghaseo, Jagiya, etc, these are common, so it's understandable not to translate them. However you used a lot of Korean phrases such as Chagiya, manhi bogoshipeo..that normal readers who are not very much yet familiair with the Korean language would probably not understand what you're trying to say at all. You can do it this way: Chagiya, manhi bogoshipeo.. (Jagiya, I really miss you) or you can just stick to English all together.
Also, one last thing, you were using 'you' throughout, right? I found some sentences and paragraphs wherein you suddenly switched to 'I', ‘Me’ or 'We'. Please stick to one possessive noun throughout so you won't confuse your readers.
There were some other words too, but not too major.
Plus, I noticed that you were using Korean words throughout the story, there's nothing wrong with this but I suggest giving translations after. Oppa, Unnie, Annyeonghaseo, Jagiya, etc, these are common, so it's understandable not to translate them. However you used a lot of Korean phrases such as Chagiya, manhi bogoshipeo..that normal readers who are not very much yet familiair with the Korean language would probably not understand what you're trying to say at all. You can do it this way: Chagiya, manhi bogoshipeo.. (Jagiya, I really miss you) or you can just stick to English all together.
Also, one last thing, you were using 'you' throughout, right? I found some sentences and paragraphs wherein you suddenly switched to 'I', ‘Me’ or 'We'. Please stick to one possessive noun throughout so you won't confuse your readers.
Aesthetics: 4/10
No posters and no background. It's best to have one, although not really necessary.
I suggest you request one from graphic shops such as Bitnanun, we have many talented graphic designers that could easily create a fantastic poster for you! :D
I appreciate the gifs though, they liven the fic up a bit.
No posters and no background. It's best to have one, although not really necessary.
I suggest you request one from graphic shops such as Bitnanun, we have many talented graphic designers that could easily create a fantastic poster for you! :D
I appreciate the gifs though, they liven the fic up a bit.
Entertainment Value: 5/10
I'm not an Inspirit, but somehow, I still managed to finish your story. As I've mentioned before, you create great scenes, the only thing you need to complement that with is writing those scenes with more details and propriety.
I'm not an Inspirit, but somehow, I still managed to finish your story. As I've mentioned before, you create great scenes, the only thing you need to complement that with is writing those scenes with more details and propriety.
TOTAL: 51/100
[I wasn’t too harsh, right? If you need more help or you don’t understand some of my points here in this review, feel free to ask me. Good luck in your fic! ;)]
[I wasn’t too harsh, right? If you need more help or you don’t understand some of my points here in this review, feel free to ask me. Good luck in your fic! ;)]
Shoot me, will you? TT^TT I greatly apologize for being so late! ;A; That is why I am putting this shop on HIATUS. Omfgad, I'm really really sorry! /shot
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