REVIEW: With who I REALLY want to BE...?
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Review Request!
Requested by: Haniismiling
Reviewer: dubumints
With who I REALLY want to BE...?
Title : 2/5
Okay, the reason why I gave your title this score is because it's not very catchy and it's gramatically incorrect. If you want to attract more readers, a proper title would be better. Although I do know what you're trying to convey, it will be better if you fix it :D
Try these (It's the same title but I just fixed the grammar):
- With Whom Do I REALLY Want to be with?
- Who Do I Really Wanna be with?
Some titles that would probably match your story:
- Sorry Oppa, He's the one I really want to be with~
- Oh no! I Love the Guy I Hate!
These are all just suggestions of course! ^_^ You may keep the title you have right now but I strongly suggest you fix the grammar. ;)
PS. I selected those titles because your story has a cute, romcom theme to it.
Description/Foreword: 3/5
This part was okay and it properly gave your readers a glimpse of what your story is about. Although I strongly suggest that you switch your foreword with your description.
Basically, your description should contain your catchphrase, (an attention- getter for the readers) your author's note, your trailer, your character list/chart, your credits and your disclaimer/copyright. (if you have any)
Your foreword should contain the excerpts you made for each character. For example, the talk snippet of Suzy and IU, the conversation of Yoseob and Wooyoung and all that jazz. :)
Thumbs up for the pictures though. They totally fit with what was going on! ;)
Characterization: 20/25
I have to say, I am really inlove with the mily couple so I'm glad when you paired them up here XD.
On IU: You did a good job in showing how much she loves music, how she's a good friend to Suzy (she even skipped school for her! aw!), her hatred-but-secret-infatuation for Yoseob, and her adoration for her boyfriend. I could totally imagine IU being like this so good job! ;)
On Suzy: Okay, Suzy is an alright character but I haven't seen much of her personality yet. I'm not sure if she's really suspicious with what's going on with IU and Yoseob, nor has she done anything significant just yet, (but I'm sure she will in the next chapters, right?) but you also did a good job with her worrying over Yoseob, given that she's totally inlove with him.
On Yoseob: I love his naughty, childish, and lazy demeanor. Yoseob here is very cute and it's squeal-worthy whenever he's so concerned about what IU thinks about him. Keke. Also, he's very funny here (which is a definite Yoseob trait in real life) so, good job in him as well!
On Wooyoung: Like Suzy, he too doesn't appear so much. I know he's a good boyfriend to IU but maybe you could make him more devoted? More sweet? It's a way to keep your readers intrigue, that IU has a totally sweet and cute boyfriend, and yet she seems to be falling for someone else. By making Wooyoung sweet, you will be adding confusion to the feelings of the reader as to who's the better choice for IU. (Which is always a good way to keep them interested!) ;)
B2ST: Okay, just only encountered them once but they're so adorable! Keke. I love how they were all flirting with the two girls at the start and how they charmed IU into washing the dishes for them XD Naughty boys. Lol.
Plot: 15/25
Okay, I've seen this kind of plot before so it's not very original, but I love how you put in cute scenes and twists to make it interesting.
For example, what happened with Yoseob and the gangsters, how Yoseob really got help and how he's truly a weakling and stuff. It was clever! It got me laughing ;) and you do keep the readers wondering on why Yoseob would want a part time job when he's filthy rich already. That's good, so just continue that.
Also, your story not only speaks of love but also of friendship, which is always a good thing. But do I sense a catfight over the boys?
Make this good! Because bestfriends fighting over one guy isn't really original, so if you're planning to put that in your story, think of a creative way to do it so as not to make it cliche.
Although if you're leaning on the switching lovers type, (Milky Couple to USeob and Suzy/Yoseob to Woozy) this would be good too, but think about the strategy you're going to use to make them switch partners.
After all, IU seems to adore Wooyoung and Suzy is head over heels for Yoseob. Develop scenes that will have your desired couples together so you can work on their future relationship. :)
Organization: 10/15
Switching of POVs is good. Although using bold for what the characters are saying is not really advisable since it will make them look like they're shouting or they're mad.
Spelling and grammar: 10/20
I am so sorry about this score, but you really do need to fix your grammar. Not so much on spelling though.
The main problem is the grammar.
I see mistakes on every chapter. D:
Although the thought is quite comprehensible, it could annoy some readers who wants to see proper sentence structures.
Don't worry, the mistakes you made are still quite fixable! Plus, you can get a proofreader to edit your chapters for you. :)
Here's the good thing though:
Your current chapter (chapter 10) has less mistakes than the previous chapters so I congratulate you on that, the less mistakes per chapter, the better! :)
Bonus: 5/5
The poster is cute, the trailers are awesome, (and you were the one who made them, right? They're daebak!) the pictures are great, and you even put links for the songs that IU sang, and that's really helpful!
But what really won me over was the Yoseob Phobia XD I seriously cracked up with that. Hehe.
TOTAL: 65/100
Don't feel discouraged about the score, that only means that there's room for improvement! :)
Thank you for asking me to review your cute fic! It's the first fic I read about the milky couple :) Keke. I wish you the best of luck and if there are parts in this review that you did not understand, feel free to ask me about it. :)
Shoot me, will you? TT^TT I greatly apologize for being so late! ;A; That is why I am putting this shop on HIATUS. Omfgad, I'm really really sorry! /shot
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