REVIEW: Taemin, there's a girl in the lobby claiming she's your sister.
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Review Request!
Requested by: MissToronto
Reviewer: dubumints
Story: There's a girl in the lobby, claiming she's your sister.
Title: 8/10
Title is definitely catchy! I must tell you that this is both good and bad. Good, because it attracts the reader. Bad, because it gave me the feeling like, oh, cliche again. D:
This is of course, just my first impression, although as I read on, I was so glad that your title didn't state your whole story as normally long titles do. (such as 16 and pregnant with ____'s baby, blah.)
Description/Foreword: 6/10
Your description is short, yes. But the sad thing is, it gives the story plot away [actually, starting from here: But what happens when Taeyun has no other option that live with all the Shinee guys, in the old house? Will she be able to keep up her hard facade, and why is it so hard hating Kim Jonghyun? ]. As in I know she will live with SHINee and she and Jjong will fall in love. I advise you to just leave your first line:
Taemin, there's a girl in the lobby claiming she's your sister.
That was the sentence that started it all.
Believe me, that in itself will pull more readers in.
But if you do want to say more, maybe you can replace the short summary with something more intriguing.
Like oneliners that only partly gives an idea on what the story is about.
This is better if you want to keep on surprising your readers!
Like maybe you can mention that Taeyun and Taemin are twins, they haven't seen each other for a long time, but what would happen if their paths suddenly cross?
Would it be unavoidable?
Inevitable?
Or just plain destiny?
For once, reunions definitely don't seem fun.
Something like that. You don't need to follow this, but I just think that this would be better to keep your readers guessing and anticipating the next events. ;D
Another thing, please never, never, never put in character profiles in your foreword.
You should let your readers know your characters for themselves.
Stating your characters' personalities that way once again makes me know what the story is about and makes everything predictable.
We don't want that, do we?
If you still want to put in your characters in your foreword, you can do so with just a oneliner (or even just one word!) to describe them.
For example:
Lee Taeyun: The twinsister.
Kim Jonghyun: The temptation
(or something like that. Lol.)
Characterization: 12/20
On Taeyun: I understand that she's a feisty girl. That she has this deep hatred for her twin brother and his groupmates.
So why did she give in so easily to them?
Why was she so quick to warm up, to forgive, and to accept them?
Hatred that has been harboring inside for years should be given some time before it totally cools off, right?
Don't worry, these are the only flaws I saw in her.
Otherwise, she's sarcastic, funny, and lovable.
Keep working on the feisty side, though! ;)
On Taemin: Taemin is so inconsistent here.
One second he's the cute, scared, maknae, the next, he's this mad, throwing-a-fit maknae. One second, he's shouting at his mom, then at the next, begging Taeyun to accept them. :/
Work on showing his emotions more in a detailed way (most probably in his own POV), this will help justify his actions and will also clear the story more.
On Jonghyun: Our loverboy is sweet and fluffy. I like it.
One thing though, he falls so fast. I can understand having a crush on the first sight, but Jjong's feelings for Taeyun seems to develop quickly.
Make him discover her more. Which means you can make more fluffy moments for these two before Jonghyun finally confirms to himself that he likes Taeyun and vice versa.
Besides, creating this kind of scenes is always fun, right? ;D fluff ftw!
On SHINee--
On Key:
Key umma does what he's best at.
Although you know, you could have made him a little bit suspicious on Taeyun at the beginning. After all, she was being mean to his poor baby Taem the moment they first met. His protective umma mode should've kicked in first, then maybe you could have made him switch to natural umma mode by being nice to Taeyun slowly. Like coldly (but with an undertone of concern) asking Taeyun if she had dinner yet. Then once you built more friendly moments between these two, that's the perfect time for Key to be an umma to her. Right? :D
On Onew:
Not much on dubu here...his famous sangtae and adorableness adds flavor to some chapters, so that's still good. :)
On Minho:
Bodyguard Minho is just right. Protective and competitive and not overdone and not undermentioned. Good work on him as well. ^.*
On the parents: I ing hate the mom. Stupid, good-for-nothing b*tch. LOL XD The dad is detestable too. He doesn't have enough balls to protect his own children. Stupid jerk. LOL. Good job on them, although I was confused if they just wanted the money or uhh...the fame?
Plot: 14/20
The plot is not something that's very, very cliche.
But it somehow falls on the Almost Cliche category.
To be honest, the first time I saw it, read the foreword and the first few chapters, I really thought that it was going to be cliche. But you made some really interesting scenes that made me continue reading it.
Because if it was overly cliche, I swear, I wouldn't finish it at all. >.<
But it's not, so that's good! :)
I love the fluffy moments here. The kind of fluff you write author-nim, is one that will make your readers smile inevitably, and that signifies a very, very good job! Also, it even gave me butterflies sometimes soooo...yay! :D hihi.
Just one thing though, I know I mentioned this in the characterization part but I really think that you develop the story so fast.I honestly like your story line and it has so much potential (even enough for it to be featured) but you lack the details.
Details, details, and more details.
I swear, if you just put in more moments, more emotions, more scenes: drama, love, whatsoever, then you'd have a golden masterpiece.
It kind of frustrates me sometimes, because you make great scenes but you don't expound on them.
You could have made the anger between the twins last longer. You could have made Taeyun work more on getting a temporary house before you made her settle on Taemin's, after all, he was the very, very last resort.
You could have made her stay over at Jihye's first, even for like two weeks and you could have shown the readers how tight their friendship was, you could have shown them how much of a kpop addict Jihye was (and conveniently insert every now and then how Taeyun hates SHINee because Taem's there.), by showing everyone how tight these two are, you could have earned more gasps and sad awws when Jihye got mad at Taeyun for lying.
Oh. That reminds me. You could have also done more scenes where Taeyun almost gets caught by Jihye about her secret on being Taem's twin. By doing this, you could have really built the drama on their friendship over scene.
For the lovebirds though, as usual, more scenes would have been better before they finally decide to get together.
More singing up the tree, more alone moments, more jealousy and stuff before they both give in and finally admit that they can't live without each other.
Remember, details.
You can certainly write, so use that amazing talent of yours to make your fic even better! ;D
Sidenote:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait. You know where you did the details right?
When Taeyun refused to forgive her mom right away. When she stayed cold and angry to her mom for a few more chapters. That was really good work!
PS. Something confused me a little. Key and Jihye are going out, right? So why did Taeyun gave Key the girl's number from the grocery in her letter to Key? D:
Organization: 10/10
Organized. Easy to read. You didn't use large fonts or eye-blinding colors.
Spacing is correct.
I have no complaints here. :D
Spelling and grammar: 6/15
You know what your major problem is?
Not the grammar.
It's the spelling.
You know what's the good news?
You can easily correct a lot of your mistakes in MS Word.
Are you typing your chapters there first before you post them in aff?
If not, I suggest that you do so!
I do this all the time and it helps in getting rid of all the spelling mistakes and basic grammar mistakes.
So do not worry, your mistakes are totally fixable.
It totally breaks my heart that your story might get ignored just because of these mistakes.
A great story like this shouldn't be put to waste just because of that, right?
Also, you used some words in the wrong context.
For example, beamed.
You beam when you're happy or when you're excited.
As I've seen you use it in your story, scowled or frowned would have been a better word.
I saw some other wrongly used words but beamed was the most common.
Remember, even if the thought is comprehensible, correct grammar and spelling will always invite readers in! ;)
Aesthetics: 5/10
The poster could do better.
I know it's nice because it's animated but I wish that the background of the poster was at least changed. I think your poster maker took the original CLRide pictures and just placed a speech balloon with an animated title. Not very creative, to be honest.
Background is simple and cute, and not too distracting, which is always good.
Bonus: 5/5
Your author's notes clearly showed your love for your fic, your writing and your subbers.
I salute you for that. :)
You already have the passion, it won't take long before you take that amazing writing skills of yours and start making really awesome fics!
Also, thank you for being so cooperative and emailing me the copy of your fic, it really helped a lot :)
Plus, JongYun ftw! I love the couple name! ;D super adorable~
TOTAL: 66/100
Shoot me, will you? TT^TT I greatly apologize for being so late! ;A; That is why I am putting this shop on HIATUS. Omfgad, I'm really really sorry! /shot
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