Why did he.

I thought everything was going as perfectly planned.

But why.

Damnit.

He can’t just leave me like this!

I can’t just let him go like this.

Please.

The faint and low sound of the clock ticking is the only thing that I can hear, everything is just blank, everything is just empty. I have to find him fast. I can't let him pass like this. It will be too much to bear, my JaeJoong. He can't leave me like this, not like this, not without any kind of reasons why, how and when. He tells me he loves me, and without any given warning, he leaves me without a trace. And as I stare at the blank paves of our home, I can't help but wonder why.

Things and circumstances pass through our lives faster than we can move on, heading to the point where we can barely keep up. I've divorced my wife, a battle that made endless tears fall, emotions unravelled and shaken, but at the end of it all, I ended up with him. And silently, we proclaimed to each other as husband and wife. JaeJoong and I, against all the odds, and we've passed through the odds of the divorce together.

Every day I would wake up with JaeJoong’s silent breaths and soft snores, and every morning, I would stare at his passive face as he's in deep slumber. He looks so serene, so innocent. His beautiful eyes, nose and lips that I kiss every day. And every day, I try my best to heal his broken heart by feeling the holes and gapes with warm hugs and soft kisses.

From that moment on I treat him as my everything. From that moment on I treat him as if he was the most precious thing in the world because that is truly what he is. He is my JaeJoong and that’s it. No more. No less. Needless to say I was all his, and his was all mine.

The start of our love, all we did was laugh and make jokes, love each other as if we were those hormone filled teenagers who’s just experienced first love at first hand, we cuddle and we touch each other constantly just to say silently how much we love each other, tease each other to the point that we reach our limits and piss each other off but at the end of the day we still make up knowing that we can’t live without each other, and we make love to each other passionately while whispering soft wishes to the future.

Everything was perfect. Because he was perfect. Even his most imperfections makes me love him more, his weird expression when he sleeps, his weird accent whenever he got too excited or angry, his odd love for spicy foods, his for hands and feet, his loud laughter that seems to infect me every time he does, his odd jokes and cute faces whenever he did something bad but can’t tell it to me directly. Everything about him makes me fall hard constantly.

For months it’s been like that… We explore each other and seek more and seek for more hidden weaknesses. We see through ourselves and each and every day we learn to accept each other’s differences more and more…

In short… Our love was blossoming to the fullest. But then.

But then it was stopped when JaeJoong and I decided to shop for new appliances for our new furnished apartment, we decided to color the apartment since we made a binding promise to start thing anew, a new love, a start and a new life.

But then all of those plans crashed before me like a shattered glass when I saw my ex-wife talking to both of my parents in a small café in that district. Immediately my heart starts racing at the view of my wife laughing genuinely happy with my parents.

Something in me suddenly fell apart. And I didn’t like that feeling, not even one bit.

And then things got much worst when she looked at me.

Our eyes met and what I felt was something I felt for her before.

At that moment… When I looked at her I knew that she felt the same.

Suddenly my feet dragged me away from that place knowing that it would be dangerous. Knowing that I already made a choice and that someone makes me happy everyday. But then. Why is my heart. NO!. It can’t be.

And then I crashed in a bench near a park where I started to cry all of a sudden. Then the sky started crying with me. It started to rain hard… Things were perfect but then she had to show up again. She had to appear when my life with JaeJoong is already perfect. Why all of sudden?! Why now?!

I can’t take it anymore…. After minutes of crying at the rain my life has flashed right through me instantly. Her. I’m still in love with her. After all this time I still love her. But. This is getting stupid. Fate keeps on playing with my heart and I don’t like it!

After long minutes of endless tears and rain drops I heard JaeJoong calling my name.

I looked at him.

And then. And then I saw concern painted in his face.

 It makes me feel guilty now that I felt a sudden urge to crawl back to my wife.

And now for the second time in my life I was being indecisive about my feelings.

And then. It started….

I’ve had secret meetings with my ex-wife. We both decided to remain things to fool ourselves that keeping things casual would not change anything, we were both fools to push ourselves that everything would go just fine but it wasn’t. We still have feelings for each other and it shows.

It shows because I was acting colder to JaeJoong.

I was smiling at him less and ordering him more.

I was appreciating him less and drinking more.

I was hugging and talking to him less and ignoring him more.

And the worst part is that whenever I make love to him. Sometimes I imagine that it’s her.

I was a fool! A complete fool! A complete and useless idiot who is blind to see all of the things that is served around him and is yearning for things that I know that I can’t have forever!

And then one night my weakness strikes again. After a few drinks on the bar. A few giggles and short talk. My ex-wife and I got drunk… Something happened.

We had .

I betrayed JaeJoong.

My JaeJoong. This was a mistake all along! I shouldn’t have.

And then when I woke up with her hands encircled around me I panicked about what I’ve done, she cried to me saying that I need to come back to her. She’s saying that she still loves me. She’s saying that we belong to each other. But when she said those words like a maniac I remembered someone who was waiting for me back home.

Back home where I really do belong.

I’m so stupid to let it reach this point. I know that I can’t undo this damage but I have to try. I begged her to not tell anyone about what happened.

I trusted her.

That was another stupid mistake.

One time when I reached my law firm building I saw both of my parents. They both spat out words of venom saying how utterly stupid I was for making constant mistakes. They told me that she told them everything. About the secret meetings. The hidden feelings and the regretted .

They forced to get back together with her. But I said no.

I have JaeJoong. And I love him.

I was just too stupid to get mixed feelings with some stupid thing that fate decided to throw at my face and I stupidly took the bait.

I said no to them. And then. They disowned me saying that I was a disgrace and that they want me out of their lives completely. She also told them about JaeJoong. That I was in a forbidden relationship with a man. She told them everything. And they said that from that moment on. From that moment on I’ll lose everything.

And I again. I believed them.

I believed that I was a loser. That I’ve lost everything.

I lost my parents. My dignity. and now I’m losing my career because I’ve lost my will to fight for myself and for my clients. I’m losing every will to live whenever I get back home.

And the most painful part is that I can’t hide all of these from him.

I refuse his warm hugs and touches because everything I feel him all I can remember was my infidelity towards him. I can’t kiss him because my lips were tainted with her venom and I fear that this too will taint his light with darkness.

I can see him being hurt with every denial but I just don’t know what else to do.

I’m breaking down every day and I feel more worthless every day.

And then one night I couldn’t handle all the pain anymore…. I called my best friend KhuHyun and told him to drink with me. I told myself not to drink too much because all I wanted was a companion to share my burdens with but that didn’t happen, instead I drank my heart out and exploded all of my anger, sadness, depression, deceit and pitiful excuse for a life with him.

And after a few more drinks.

Everything went dark.

After that I woke with him lying on my shoulder but I froze at the sudden dampness of the cloth, I didn’t realized that he cried until I saw that puffy eyes, I questioned myself if I did something wrong but when I asked him he just smiled at me brightly and told me that everything was fine.

That I can feel something terribly wrong. everything was quiet and too calm. And whenever I touch him he shudders and I can notice his tears every moment that I caress his pale cheeks.

I wanted to tell him that it’s all my fault.

I wanted to beg for his forgiveness knowing that he’s the only who really did love me.

And I wanted to tell him how much of a fool I am that I ever did doubt my love for him and his love for him.

But that chance didn’t happen because when morning came he disappeared completely. I looked for him everywhere but he was nowhere in sight.

And then I saw a folded paper in our bed side table. And when I red the contents my heart dropped and my knees suddenly collapsed on the floor.

He’s leaving me. KyuHyun told him everything. Told him things that I would never say to him. Told him that JaeJoong was worthless, dirty, disgusting and the cause of all my problems.

He told JaeJoong things that would cause the point where our relationship can no longer be mended.

Why?

Why are things happening so quickly that I can’t keep up? Why are things leaving me so quickly that I don’t even have the time to chose whether I’m ready to be left.

Seeing things crash all at the same times makes me want to kneel down and just surrender, I just want to throw all these things away so that our lives can be all much better but why can’t I? JaeJoong is all I have now that I’ve lost everything.

He’s my life and my world revolves around him, he’s like the sun in my life and without him everything in me is left dark and cold, and utterly lifeless.

It shouldn’t be this way. But everything around me. Everything I touch. Everything I love. Everything that I have is slowly slipping through my fingers like dust. JaeJoong. He can’t. No. It would be too much.

I never thought that our perfect love would be crushed like this, it was crushed to the point that he left me a letter of goodbye, I won’t let him slip off my fingers like those other things that doesn’t matter in my life anymore. No. He’s too precious to me.

I can’t lose him. I’d rather die.

He should.

I just.

But still.

Here I am now standing on the middle of the crowded airport, I’m looking for him like a maniac, begging and silently praying that to God that he hasn’t boarded on the plane yet and when I saw his lithe figure on the information counter I rushed towards him. It’s like a cat and mouse chase again. The only difference is that this time he’s my target and I’m the hopeless romantic who’s begging him to stay.

“JaeJoong…..” I whispered as my feet slowly drags my body towards him. I can see that he already bought a ticket somewhere. It made my heart squeeze in pain of the reality of him going to leave me.

“JaeJoong…..” I said it louder as tears threaten to fall off my eyes. He’s staring at the plane ticket blankly and I can’t help but wonder if he is ever thinking about me.

“JaeJoong…” Suddenly my voice rang louder as a lone tear escaped my eyes. He’s really leaving me right? He can’t just leave me like this.

“JaeJoong….” I can hear people whispering while pointing at me. I was still wearing my pajama’s but what the do I care. All I know that the love of my life is leaving me with things that he’s accused of done and it’s all my fault.

“JaeJoong!” I screamed making some of the people flinch. I wanted him to look at me. To see me. That I’m here. That I don’t want him to go…. For him to see that I love him. That no other things is necessary.

“JaeJoong ing look at me!!!” I screamed harder making some people stare at me like I’m some kind of a crazy person. But as of now I don’t care. I just want him to look at me and see that I’m here.

I couldn’t take all of this anymore. As I run to him while screaming his name I knew that all of my emotions will burst this instant.

“ JAEJOONG! Would you just look at me….”

“What do you think you’re doing?!” He finally looked at me with a shocked expression, he wasn’t aware that I was here. Maybe he wasn’t ignoring me after all.

“ChangMin?” He voiced with pure shock making me ran towards him. “What THE do you think you’re doing here huh?!” was the only thing that I could say as I tried my best to not to break down in front of him with all this people around. Even though I knew it’s too late. It’s just.

“Min….” And with that whisper I couldn’t control myself anymore.

“Don’t Min me! Are you trying to leave me?! What the are you thinking?! Are you on drugs or something??!!” I pulled him by the shirt tightly making him cry “..Min… Let me go….” He responded as his voice shuddered and it broke my heart knowing that it’s me who’s constantly hurting him.

“Why should I? So that you can escape from me??!!” I screamed at him while pulling on his shirt making him cry louder. This isn’t what I want. I want him to stop crying. I want to comfort him. To tell him all of my sins. To tell him that I. “I… Please…. Please let me go….”

“Give me one good reason then!” I shouted at him making me laugh at myself inwardly. He’s the one who’s suppose to hurt me like this. He’s the one who’s supposed to be shouting at me after all I’ve done. But then “You’re never happy with me!”

He shouted those words out suddenly making a tinge of my sanity crawl back to my blurry mind “What?”

“I….. I said you’re never happy with me! You’re miserable with me! You’re life ended when you started to love me and now your life is completely ruined just like mine! I…. I don’t’ want you to suffer like this Min!”

He thinks I’m suffering because of him. He thinks I’m better off without him. That thought made me want to strangle myself to the point that even my own hand is shaking just to punch myself hard in the face, I couldn’t take all of this anymore. He is suffering too much because of my lies and stupidity. Because of my indecisions and infidelity. Because of my weakness and my frugality.

He’s suffering to much. I’m hoping that maybe I could take all of his pain away by resetting time and never meeting my ex-wife but I can’t so instead I kissed him hard and decided to man up in front of him for the first time.“If you think that I’m unhappy with you then imagine how awful and miserable my life would be without you!” I screamed my lungs out while crying as I caress his soft pale face with my thumb. All the emotions. All my love JaeJoong.

“If you think that I’m unhappy with you then I’ll die without you. If you think that my life ended when I met you then you can never imagine how dead I was without you. If you think that you completely ruined my life then imagine how crushed my life would be without you in it..” I paused and then pecked on his lips knowing that if I continue I might break down on my knees and ruin this moment for the both of us. “And if you can see me suffering now I need you to smile for me to make my sufferings pass even for just a while….”

“But Mi-------“

“No More BUTS!” I shouted at him while staring at his puffy eyes “If your smile is the view that I’ll see every morning then even if I suffer the same suffering as they receive in hell I wouldn’t mind”

“Min…..”

“Cause every time I wake up I’ll see heaven whenever I see your smile…..”

After saying those words out I kissed him tenderly, I wrapped my fingers around his nape to deepen the kiss that’s when I decided to go home with him….

This time I’ll tell him everything.

All of the secrets. So they’ll be no more misunderstandings.

All of my sins. So that I could tell him that it’s all my fault and not his.

Everything. To tell him that I love him and that I’m ready to accept the consequences of my actions.

And when he deiced to leave me. I hope that in time he can forgive my sins and start anew again.

END