sometimes jiwan wonders if it was just a figment of her imagination that sol’s eyes flickered down to her lips at times. 

 

other times a single touch that lasted just a few seconds too long had her head swirling with ideas.

 

but of course it was just her and her mind.

 

especially when jiwan had been too caught up in the taller girl’s beauty and couldn’t help to point in out, reaching closer in awe.

 

it took all she had to pull her hand away, instead of closing the small gap.

 

she had to, despite how her body screamed at her every time ever since the first time.

 

but it continuously got harder.

 

years after years of jiwan slowly coming to the realization that her feelings towards sol were very different from the others.

 

for it to click that she may have fallen for her best friend. 

 

to see sol smiling goofily at her with that familiar pack of gummies in hand and find out, “oh.”

 

“i like you.”

 

and then the following years where effects sol had on her worsened to the point where jiwan wasn’t sure what to do anymore. 

 

“i love you.”

 

she tried to deal with it, though.

 

through her own means.

 

it pained jiwan for sol to bring up her little dates. the dates that didn’t matter to her.

 

call her twisted, but they were only a futile attempt at getting her mind off of sol, to try and forget how sol would often make her breathless and aching for something more. 

 

it could be wrong to say they never meant anything and never would.

 

but she always ended up in the arms of one certain person at the end of the day.

 

it was a cycle for jiwan, a cycle in which she ended up losing anyways. 

 

a cycle that was bound to end eventually, whenever that time came. 

 

yet these thoughts disappeared for the night as jiwan sat in a circle with her friends, watching an empty soju bottle spin. especially after she had drunken herself to oblivion.

 

the bottle spun around and around, everyone chanting loudly in excitement and waving their arms wildly. jiwan held her breath as she watched, until it finally came to stop right between her and sehun, the bottom pointing at sol.

 

a kind of giddiness filled her and she shoved sehun away, making the boy topple over with a yelp.

 

“it’s me,” jiwan’s bubbly voice rang out as she started to move forward on her hands and knees.

 

“sol,” she would call out through her drunken haze, slowly making her way as she crawled towards the girl staring with widened eyes at her.

 

all of their friends could be heard cheering and yelling in the background, being loud as they usually were. yet the noise faded in jiwan’s ears as her only focus was right in front of her, only a few feet away. 

 

to the only person that mattered to her.

 

it was too daring, too risky of an action, but jiwan let the buzz of alcohol take over the rational part of her brain as she puffed up her cheeks with a dreamy grin on her lips and approached sol, eyelids drooping.

 

but what was she really expecting?

 

sol was quick to grab her drink and down the whole cup in one go, immediately halting jiwan in her tracks. 

 

the burn of rejection.

 

sol was right there, so close that jiwan could easily reach out and touch her. but it felt impossible, something she could never dream of reaching in her lifetime.

 

and even in her state, she felt the familiar dreaded sinking feeling, only for her to ignore it as best as she could and cover with a playful pout and whine. 

 

a crack.

 

it hurt inside. 

 

it only got worse when she saw sol get up and grab her jacket to leave, stating she was going outside for a smoke.

 

jiwan watched the taller girl’s quickly retreating figure until she was no longer visible and a door click followed shortly after.

 

was it really that uncomfortable for her?

 

jiwan moved her gaze back to her lap, where her hands lay, clenched in frustration. 

 

it was her fault again, wasn’t it?

 

jiwan regretted it, but one look to her side and she fought back the scowl meaning to be directed at a certain boy.

 

sehun nudged her, “look what you did.”

 

it made her grit her teeth together. 

 

‘stop.’

 

jiwan had liked sehun, she had no problem with him after all. that was until she found out that he harbored feelings for sol and was trying to make a move on her, something that she was unable to do throughout the years of knowing the girl.

 

bzztbzztbzzt.

 

jiwan glanced over at where sol had previously been sitting.

 

in her rush to get away from jiwan, sol had left her phone and it was now ringing from a call by someone’s name that jiwan didn’t recognize as she snatched it off the ground.

 

her brows furrowed together, meeting in a crease.

 

there was an uncomfortable churning in the pit of her stomach.

 

who was juhyeok? 

 

another person to be scared of?

 

jiwan was left to wallow in her spiraling thoughts until sol came walking back in, to which she hurriedly got up from her seat and padded over, arms that were outstretched easily caught by the taller girl. 

 

she tried to make it casual, asking the questions.

 

it backfired.

 

“you don’t.”

 

jiwan wanted to laugh, her whole expression falling down.

 

nevertheless, she faked a smile.

 

you really like to hurt me, sol.

 

it was even worse when told with a smile. as if unaware of the effect.

 

another crack.

 

but it wasn’t anyone’s fault other than her own. she was just too much of a coward to do anything.